fakecriswell

[fakecriswell]

Response to Tumblr guidelines change

Dear friends:

We at Fake Criswell HQ have been very happy up to now with our time on Tumblr. We have posted many predictions, covering about 40 to 50 percent of the known future in the few short years we have been here.

As you may already know by now, Tumblr is soon changing its guidelines to block “adult content” from its site. You may also be aware that many people who have legitimate reasons for posting adult content have been caught up in this ban, and many others who have no adult content are being inadvertently targeted by the policy change.

After a discussion about this policy change, we in the office voted unanimously to discontinue our Tumblr feed, posting no new content to this account (and leaving the archives available) until such time as when Tumblr clarifies this policy change to the satisfaction of the community at large.

So we will no longer make any new posts to this site. If you are interested in continuing to receive predictions, may I direct you to the Fake Criswell Twitter feed, where we will continue to post predictions. If and when we locate a new host for our predictions, we will alert our followers on Twitter. 

Thank you all so much for your appreciation of this site! We literally could not have done this without you all, my friends. I trust that we will see each other once again ...

... IN OUR INCREDIBLE FUTURE.

Farewell, The Fake Criswell

[fakecriswell]

The future of workbenches

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS. This #FutureFriday is a somber one, as we recall December 7, 1941, a date which will live in infamy.

And now to today’s prediction, which is all about the future of workbenches!

I predict that in the next 20-30 years the current “maker community” will be so prevalent that most families will have a workbench in their dining room, instead of a dinner table!

When it’s not being used for meals, the workbench will be used to create and repair various items around the house, such as doorknobs, stair steps, washing machines, cabinets, floorboards, etc.!

As a result I predict many people will be able to make small repairs around the house more often, causing a significant amount of money being saved from having to call a repairman!

So smile, my friends! You will have much more money in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of T-shirt slogans

One of the most popular reasons that people are wearing T-shirts these days is to loudly proclaim their beliefs on their clothing! From religion choice to preference in the opposite sex, everything appears to be showing up on a T-shirt these days!

Will this trend continue in our incredible future? I predict that it will!

In fact, in our future I predict that every single opinion that a person can have will make it onto a T-shirt, from their preference for colleges, to how they feel about "no right on red” signs, to what breakfast cereal they had that morning!

In fact, this opinion-sharing will be so prevalent that it will make government studies much easier! The census will be extremely easy to conduct, as nearly every citizen will have the answers to all the questions on their shirts! And elections will near 100% participation in the future, as T-shirt slogans are allowed by law to count as your vote!

So you see, you will have to choose your T-shirts very carefully in your incredible future, my friends, or else you might inadvertently vote for “Pedro” -- even if he isn’t running for office!

Mark your calendars, for I predict this will all start to occur by the year 2072!

[fakecriswell]

The future of awards parties

One of the most popular pastimes when any major awards ceremony is broadcast live on television is of course the awards party! People congregate as someone’s house, eat a lot of food, and take bets on which awards will be won by which people! (Note that betting on awards outcomes is illegal, so don’t tell anyone if you do it.)

Will this tradition continue on to our incredible future? I predict that it will!

In fact, as ratings flag for several awards shows, I predict the parties will become a significant part of the advertising campaign, as several show producers will set up live cameras at various fans’ parties, in order to generate a certain amount of interest in the event!

This tradition will continue as producers search for more ways to involve viewers in their programs. Some awards programs will hand out cameras to party-goers and have them broadcast “live” from various places in the country! (These feeds will of course be on a several second delay, in order to prevent unsavory content from being broadcast.)

Eventually the content coming from these parties will be so popular that many awards will be announced at these parties, prompting a huge decrease in people attending these shows live!

So if you ever wanted a chance to attend the Oscars, say, or find yourself at the Tony Awards, you might very well get your chance, thanks to the popularity of these parties in our incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of identity verification

It’s an age-old problem: how do you verify your identity during a business transaction? While we have seen many solutions in the past (passwords, government-issued IDs, secret handshakes, etc.) I predict we will see many more identification schemes in our incredible future!

I predict within the next 20-30 years a biometric scanning device will be made available to the general public. This device will take blood, DNA, and stool samples from the user in order to identify themselves when making online transactions! While this method will be very secure, I predict that many people will see these methods as too invasive, and the device will not be very popular.

For other transactions I predict a video feed will be required, during which the purchaser may be required to provide a voice pattern sample! However, these schemes will prove vulnerable to criminals simply playing back video recordings of the people they wish to impersonate.

Finally, I predict that by the year 2050 a significant number of online merchants will simply have enough of online fraud, and require all customers to check in with either a physical store operated by the vendor, or at an independently-run identity kiosk, which will be accessible in nearly every major city. Once you check into an approved vendor with your identity, the purchase information, and enough cash to cover the transaction, your online order will proceed!

And while these methods will not completely get rid of the scourge of identity theft, I predict they will resolve a full 10 to 15 percent of issues! Just a few more schemes like these, and we will have complete coverage of identity verification in our incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of salad bars

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS. We begin the final month of 2018 with a look at the unusual world of salad bars!

Thanks to recent health scares involving tainted greens, I predict the salad bar of the future will include automatic water sprays and detergents to thoroughly clean any greens put out for consumption!

And in an effort to keep the offerings as fresh as possible, many salad bars will includes small plots of land with vegetable plants and lettuce growing right before your eyes! You can’t get fresher than pulling your salad right out of the ground!

Finally, I predict the fruits and vegetables that you encounter in the local salad bar will be genetically modified for a maximum of freshness! The average tomato will last a startling 45 days once it reaches maturity! And lettuces & other greens will keep for literally weeks after they have been picked!

So you see, my friends, it will be a very exciting time for salad bars in our incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of bath soaps

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS. This is the final #FutureFriday of November, and the final month of the year starts tomorrow! This has been a busy year, but I am glad for all of you who show up, day in and day out, for your small dose of future!

Today I bring you a prediction on the future of bath soaps!

I predict that in the future for maximum convenience, liquid soap will be kept in the shower nozzle in your bathroom shower! This will give you a cleansing shower without you having to do anything!

And in an age where we are looking for more and more shortcuts throughout our day, this will be a significant time saver!

So look forward to saving literally minutes of shower time in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of chess

While many people are still playing chess centuries after the game’s invention, the advances in chess technology continue to mount as time marches onward! I present to you these three predictions about the future of chess!

I predict the first person under 10 years of age to achieve the title of chess grandmaster will be a young child of 7 from the Southwest United States, who will win the title sometime in the year 2044!

I further predict the knowledge required to become a chess champion will become to great that many tournament games will simply be concluded after a handful of moves, because the two players will recognize well in advance of the end of a game how it will turn out!

I finally predict that chess will gain popularity in the 2040s, leading to a summer tour of chess champions playing all comers at various summer music festivals!

These things will, I predict, happen in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of wireless audio

Wireless audio! It’s the latest and greatest thing, and before too long it’s going to be the ONLY thing that you’ll be able to purchase! As phone manufacturers ditch the wired headphones in favor of the wireless audio headset, I predict wireless audio technology will continue to become more and more sophisticated in our incredible future!

In the next 20-25 years, I predict that scientists will perfect the “audio contact transfer” method of delivering audio, which is by transmitting audio through the user’s skin directly into the ears! Just touching the phone will be enough to have the audio flowing, which may be good or bad, depending on whether it’s winter or not (the technology won’t work through gloves or heavy coats).

Other phones will use a transmission method of delivering audio, where anyone standing within a 3 foot radius will be able to hear your phone! This will be similar to the audio contact transfer method, but instead the sound waves will be broadcast to anyone nearby, causing their inner ear to vibrate at the appropriate frequency to hear the phone! This type of phone will be illegal to possess around school zones, for fear of damaging children’s ears.

And finally, I predict that most phones will simply use nanotechnology to build a tiny radio transmitter inside the user’s ear, so that the phone can simply transmit audio to them! This will involve some minor surgery at the beginning, but within a few decades I predict the technology will be self-starting and will be safe enough to include in a consumer-usable self-surgery kit!

These advances, and many more, will be coming to deliver you wireless audio in YOUR incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of biopics

Perhaps you are familiar with the biographical motion picture, or “biopic” as it is sometimes abbreviated. Usually these pictures are about famous people, or people who have endured hardships, or both.

Well, I predict we will see many more such films in our incredible future!

In fact, I predict that several companies will exist that will turn your own life into a biopic -- for an appropriate sum of money, of course!

While most of these biopics will be suitable only for watching by one’s immediate family, I predict that a few films will be good enough to warrant Academy Awards nominations!

So look for several films in our future that will be biopics of people like you and me! They may very well be more interesting than your own lives!

Mark your calendars, my friends, for I predict this will all begin in the year 2057!

[fakecriswell]

The future of currency exchanges

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS. I trust that your holiday weekend was acceptable? Good! I ate too much, said too much to my relatives, and slept too much. Excesses for all!

And now I am back in the office, ready to give you a prediction on the future of currency exchanges!

I predict that in the future currency exchanges will be much more important to us all, because many states will print their own currency after significant fighting with the federal government prompts many of them to attempt to break off all ties from the Union!

At the very least I predict that these states will have their own money: Texas, Florida, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Tennessee.

If you need to travel to these states you may need to exchange your money in advance of your travel there, to avoid exorbitant fees for your transactions!

So keep an eye out for your local currency exchange; you’re definitely going to need it in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

Happy Thanksgiving!

A happy holiday to my readers in the United States, who celebrate Thanksgiving today! Our office will be closed today and tomorrow, so please return on Monday for the next look into your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of leftovers

Tomorrow is of course Thanksgiving for the United States, and in about 48 hours a significant portion of this country will have a large amount of leftover food and no place to store it!

This will be simple problem to solve in our incredible future!

For I predict that the kitchen of the future will come stocked with an instant freeze-drying device that can take all the moisture out of your leftovers, and allow you to store them for several weeks past their original shelf life!

Yes, my friends, in your future you may very well be eating your Thanksgiving turkey for at least a month after the holiday, meaning that one turkey may serve you well for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas!

And in a future where wasting food may very well be a punishable offense, it will be VERY important to make every meal count!

So worry not, my friends -- your food will last much longer in your incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of intelligent paper

Perhaps you saw this item last week about a prototype of illuminated paper -- that is, paper embedded with several lights and circuits that can illuminate various parts of the paper you are writing on!

While this has immediate applications for homework, crossword puzzles, and the SAT exams, I predict the prototype will soon evolve into a very sophisticated piece of technology used in our incredible future!

Yes, I predict that the paper of the future will not only light up, but also be able to mark itself up! Don’t feel like finishing a particularly hard Jumble? Let the paper finish itself!

This technology will also be exploitable by criminals in many ways, the most obvious one involves the forging of signatures. A criminal can record their victim’s signature, and then when he or she is asked to sign documents, they will simply surreptitiously switch the original document for some intelligent paper, and then direct the paper to display a flawless signature! 

Granted, this is a very narrow application for criminals, but then again I do not have a criminal mind. Who knows what these people will think of for this technology?

Therefore, it is very important for you and I to keep strict regulations on the use of this technology! For while intelligent paper can be a tool used for good, it may also be used for evil in our incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of pub crawls

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS. We are all interested in the future. We just are!

This week will be a shortened one, for we in the United States will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week! Most of our staff has already left for the week, so it’s just me and the office manager this week. This means a lot of long, late lunches and plenty of phones going unanswered!

But you aren’t interested in our office culture -- you’re here for the future! So here is a prediction about the pub crawls of the future.

I predict that in the next 20-30 years, once the personal jetpack is on the market and commonly available, pub crawls will not only span neighborhoods, but cities, and even states! 

Picture a line of several dozen drunk people coasting through the air, on their way to the next drinking spot! Some people vomit mid-air, some are so drunk that the autopilot on their jetpack kicks in and delivers them home to bed!

Yes, my friends, if you really want the ultimate in drinking, you WILL want to purchase in a jetpack in YOUR incredible future!

[fakecriswell]

The future of penmanship

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS. We appear to have survived the week, so for today’s #FutureFriday I would like to give you a very special prediction on what our penmanship will be like!

I predict that as it becomes less and less common for people to write as part of their jobs, the nation’s penmanship as a whole will suffer!

Fortunately I predict that science will provide a solution in a mechanized pen that automatically corrects your penmanship!

If you start writing with this pen, it can determine which words you are currently writing and offer several ways to correct your handwriting!

Some models will simply vibrate when you stray off track, forcing you to keep your hand straight and true when writing.

Other models will simply take over for you, and start writing your words through a clever series of motors and pulleys. You’ll only have to hold the pen as it writes for you!

And in extreme cases, there will be pens that deliver electric shocks to the most incorrigible of sloppy writers! A few shocks to the hand should correct most of the extreme offenders! Or at least ,one hopes so...

So fear not, my friends! You WILL be writing better in your incredible future, whether you want to or not!

[fakecriswell]

The future of mobile homes

While the mobile home currently is considered to be a housing option for only low-income people, I predict that a changing economy will force more and more people into mobile homes in our incredible future!

To reflect the changing demographic of mobile home owners, I predict the homes of the future will include more luxury features, such as swimming pools (atop the structure) and garages that can be constructed alongside the home!

There will also be homes that are constructed out of regular car bodies! They will contain two or three “stories” to allow different areas for living, sleeping, cooking, and bathing!

The great attraction for these car-size homes is of course that they may be parked on the street overnight in an ordinary parking space, thereby allowing the home owner to stay pretty much anywhere!

However, my friends, be careful if you go to park in a covered lot, because many of these homes will be taller than the clearance of your average parking deck!

So worry not about your housing issues in your incredible future, my friends! You will have many options available to you, and if you can’t afford any of them, well, there’s always a dry spot underneath the bridge on the outskirts of town...