everydayistheendoftheworld

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

the truth will always be that there's something fundamentally wrong with me. i was born unloveable. there are two kinds of people in this world: those who love easily and those who are easily loved. i will always be the first. my hands burn from carrying the love i have for everyone. and my heart hurts from knowing that i will never be loved the way i love. as the smiths put it, "i know i'm unloveable, you don't have to tell me. i don't have much in my life, but take it - it's yours."

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

literally been home for the summer for barely 2 weeks and im back to thinking abt cutting every second of the day. my blades r so beautiful.

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

aaaaaand we're back to cutting to survive

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

5 inches. 7 inches. It doesn’t matter. no amount of penis inches will ever be enough. Not after all that i’ve been through

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

Being okay with getting taken advantage of as long as it means I’m wanted

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

Trying to throw out that rusty blade you’ve been using for months straight is so hard for no reason like it’s part of me now

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

my beautiful dull blade, I'll always come back to you

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

sometimes i miss when i was in the hospital for trying to kill myself

i miss when my whole body was covered in cuts

or when i would starve myself for days

i think i miss when my mental health was so visable, i miss when other people noticably cared. ykk??

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

today i was hit with this very strange feeling out of nowhere - of being simply an observer of my family. in that moment, i felt both absent and hyperpresent. like i knew everything about their relationships and traits and habits but i was only a witness. i was playing a side role in their lives. i was a catalyst in their character development. i was there but i was invisible. it was both a terrifying yet comforting feeling. maybe i’m just insane

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

you might purge sometimes and cut yourself sometimes, but overall you’re alright, right?

does anybody else like feel numb to the point that you genuinely feel like everything is alright with your mental health? even though you might purge sometimes and cut yourself sometimes, but overall you’re alright, right? i don’t know if it’s just the antidepressants i’m on or i’m just going batshit insane for real this time

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

purging

How often does one have to be purging for their teeth to start rotting? 

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

it is all love.

sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.

was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.

but it was all love.

every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.

some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.

love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.

but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"

oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.

i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.

but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.

some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:

okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.

always, always: just one try more.

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

I’ll do anything to avoid having a thought

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

for the people who lost a friend who was more than a friend.

“i loved my friend” langston hughes // “happier” olivia rodrigo // @everythings-reminding-me-of-you // “all too well” taylor swift // “intimacy and midnight all day: a novel and stories” hanif kureishi // “p.s. i still love you” jenny han // “i loved my friend” langston hughes //

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

love and flaws

post by user gayassnatural | wild geese, mary oliver | the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, taylor jenkins reid | no one belongs here more than you, miranda july | coffee and cigarettes, sade andria zabala | OCD, neil hilborn | state of grace, taylor swift | the first bad man, miranda july | 300 arguments, sarah magnuso

[everydayistheendoftheworld]

cheek kisses…forehead kisses… hand kisses…. eyelid kisses… crook of the elbow kisses… shoulder kisses… collarbone kisses… thigh kisses….temple kisses…