ericwcharmon93

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

I just don’t see how that isn’t the ‘buy warbonds’ of 2022

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

Statistically, millennials have less stds than any other generation.

Probably because LimeWire showed us how easy it is to get a a virus from people who give it away for free.

[ericwcharmon93]

I stopped following everything awhile ago, so last night I figured I’d try to get current on everything going on.

I’m not feeling very optimistic. Things just keep getting worse; “patriots” rioting on government buildings but who are too afraid to be outside without masks, political leaders we can’t trust, and law enforcement gunning down innocent minorities…

I mean the first Purge movie was pretty good but how many fucking sequels do we need?

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

Kids are scary. I was outside with my son yesterday and he yelled ‘dad watch this’ so I looked. My 4 year old looked me dead in the eye, rock in hand and bashed a worm into paste. Never broke eye contact.

I don’t wanna overreact, but if I go missing, I want him investigated.

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

Look, I’m not saying I believe in astrology but…

1) I’m a Cancer and cried watching The Iron Giant

2) My ex is an Aquarius and a sociopath

3) I’ve never met a Scorpio who isn’t into buttstuff.

Could it all be a coincidence? Sure. But I’m treating that shit the same way I do ghosts. Is it real? I dunno, but I’m not risking it.

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

[ericwcharmon93]

Would love to connect with more comedians or comedy writers through Twitter!

[ericwcharmon93]

The BabyTrap: That weird pillow talk was her masterplan.

My girlfriend at the time made the 3 hour drive from her school in Kirksville to Kansas City almost every weekend so that we could spend time together but by the time she showed up at my apartment that Friday night, I had more or less already decided to break things off. I hadn't quite decided on the when and how of telling her, but had planned on sooner rather than later to avoid dragging it out all weekend. But after pushing me back through the front door and on to the couch in my living room, I decided ‘sooner’ was a relative term.   

Near the finish line, she leaned forward and whispered something into my ear; ‘I want your baby’. Yeah, it was off-putting and weird--but ignorable, and pretty much forgotten as we finished and put our clothes back on. 

I chalked the whole baby thing up as a weird kink and added it to the list of weird things she liked to say when we had sex like 'i love you' and 'you're amazing'--which were clearly all lies--and started to strategize the details of the talk we still needed to have. I heard a soft ‘oh shit,’ from the bathroom where she was cleaning up and figured she fell in the toilet again until she walked out holding purse. With wide deer-in-a-headlight eyes, she told me how she 'forgot’ to take her birth control pill. I dont remember much about what happened next other than the room spinning and the edges of my vision going dark as a ligament panic attack set in. Since I was clearly handling the situation so well, and my blood pressure was only NEAR emergency levels, she decided to go the extra mile and said that 'it wouldn't be the end of the world if I got pregnant' which successfully left me hyperventilating. 

It was Sunday, and she was heading back school in Kirksville later that day. We drove to the nearest pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test, which I begged her to take immediately --which was stupid and obviously wouldn't work after only an hour and a half, but I was in survival mode and rational thought was a distant memory. It was negative of course and I felt the twinge of relief and hope which she then set fire too by explaining that it would probably take at least a week, maybe two, before we could really be sure. I imagine that due to my sudden catatonic depression, she figured it was best to just head back to Kirksville that next morning.

For the next week I moved between panic and devastation at the thought of being stuck with a girl who, honestly, I thought was only okay at best of times and nearly impossible to be around at the worst until she came to my apartment that next weekend. We took another test and avoided looking at each other which I could present in court as evidence that the actual time for the result of a pregnancy test is in fact, a fucking eternity. She walked into the bathroom and returned with the pee-stick in her hands. It had a negative symbol and a little frowny face on it and told me that it was negative before explaining to me that, no, it wasn’t broken and that the negative result IS supposed to be the frowny face despite that making zero sense. 

I finally felt a sense of relief and told her that we had dodged a bullet. She became upset and yelled about how happy I was acting  before confessing that she had planned to get pregnant out of a fear that we were drifting apart.

 A week is still pretty early, but because she had proven that she was just a notch below Gone Girl crazy,  I broke up with her immediately and asked her to leave. After another week a vibrating induced jumpscare every time I got a text message, she sent me wordless message and a picture of another negative test. I flopped on my couch, releved that I didnt need to find a way for my dinning room to fit a baby crib and my estate sale bought pool table.

Fun fact, that girl is a lawyer now and I'm writing a story on Tumblr. 

F*** me