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What is Respect?

Today I was told that no matter how much love I show and have, that I have no respect.

Truth be told, I don’t think I know what respect is. I have an idea on my own self-respect, I guess. Or, are those interpersonal values? How do you respect someone? With boundaries, I listen to the grounds of them, and do my best to follow them. I care about people’s comfort and safety. I care about their feelings. Is respect understanding in action? I can’t read minds, however, I can hear what’s on the mind, and feel the heart.

Guidelines are intimidating. People, are intimidating.

I guess I feel like “respect” means “just follow and do as I say,” but I know that’s not it. I think. Maybe it’s about having enough thought and care to act on the expectations of others’ values and boundaries. I get that. I have an issue though with blindly following wishes, just because… just because. What confuses me, is, yeah, if I have love enough for someone, why wouldn’t I be considerate of their asks and needs?

I don’t know what blocks or compartmentalizes my actions compared to how I really feel. I certainly don’t want to hurt anybody or their feelings. That hurts my own feelings. Is selfishness my problem? I don’t know. It’s so overwhelming to think about and weigh out what is love, and what is respect.

Is doing the dishes so someone else doesn’t have to, respect, or love? Are love and respect one within another? And, if I love that someone, why wouldn’t I do those dishes, and things I know would lessen weight on their shoulders, and bring ease? Is that disrespect, or disregard? I feel like disregarding feelings is worse. It feels worse when I think about it that way.

But, again, I’m not sure I really know what respect is. I can look up the definition---

One of the things I read, said respect is caring about how the impact of words and actions affect others. Another says it’s about putting aside differences to live with one another without conflict.

With those two examples in mind, I absolutely get the caring about impact. I understand that. I guess with the other example, I have a hard time with the whole setting aside differences thing. My initial questioning deals with why do I have to set aside differences. Can’t I care, and have differences about any given situation too? Where’s the balance? I feel like I can care, and have my differences.

I feel like some ideas of respect are based on appeasing. I’m very oppositional and idealistic.

Setting aside differences… See, I don’t really feel like there’s many to set aside when it comes to my loved ones. Everyone knows them basically. But, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Especially unknowingly so. If someone asks me to please close the door for them because they need privacy, I DO care about that and of course, I will close that door. They asked me to, I know privacy is important to them, so I do it. Now, if someone tells me that I didn’t close the door a few times and that means I’m lacking “respect,” that makes me feel confused. It’s not like I schemed to hurt them by not closing the door.

I can see though how that would show a lack of caring or thought. I do care. Maybe it’s the thought part. Maybe the not closing the door like they asked shows a lack of caring about the impact itself. That they’re privacy and boundaries aren’t of importance to me or in general. Maybe thought, is care. I could understand that. Another thing, like the dishes, is the whole “I do this, so why don’t you do this for me?” thing. It feels like owing somebody. I don’t like that. I don’t like how it feels as if someone is guilt-tripping me and throwing me in my own face. That’s what it feels like.

And I don’t just wanna do things to avoid conflict. I could start thinking of it differently. I mean, like I said, I do care about my loved ones, so… if its reasonable and I have the capacity to do what’s asked, and be mindful of how any given example makes them feel, especially if I can do something that brings them joy, ease, and comfort- why wouldn’t I do something? What’s getting in the middle? Why is this concept so hard to act upon for me? Why is it so easy for me to understand, at the same time?

The doing part. I get told I'm lazy a lot. I do so much! It's just not what they do. It doesn't take the same time. Everyone has things to take care of; I understand that. I have empathy and sympathy for the fact life happens. I get the impression that anything I do isn't enough, and I guess I get stuck. If I do the thing that's been asked of me, especially if its been asked of me repeatedly, which I get is annoying in its own right--- I still get told that if I respected them they wouldn't have had to ask me so many times for me to do it. Or ask at all.

I just don't think that's... right? I never ask for some kind of applause for me finally doing whatever was asked. I feel bad cause I know I'm being thoughtless which comes off as not caring. SO thoughtless, I didn't even think about it being thoughtless. I care though. It pains me that I seem to hurt my loved ones without even knowing. It hurts. So what's my problem, y'know?