energyiseverything-blog

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What I've learned as of late

... Is that I need to let go of my emotions. For so long I kept them to myself thinking they would be shunned or I would be told how to feel. I alienated my friends. I became emotionally distant. I used to think that I didn't talk about my emotions because I only felt the raw pain of them for such short bursts that, when that burst was gone, my emotions went with it. 

No.

I have repressed my emotions, my anger and my sorrow, the feeling of burning and betrayal. Now, I am sick of them leaking out and hurting all but the few that deserve it. But further, what I have learned that even those who create these feelings in me don't deserve them. The satisfaction of reaction is too great. For these people I do not hate them, worse, I have no respect for them. I have no reason to acknowledge them and therefore the emotions attached to them have no purpose to me. This is my reason for letting go because, funnily enough, I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.

The most tired,

The most anxious,

but the happiest.

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Sweet Jesus hear my prayer Look down Look down Sweet Jesus doesn't care

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So ready for my birthday week to begin!

Saturday: Going to London. Seeing Les Mis. Going to dinner in China Town.

Sunday: Full day of shopping and a nice dinner with the family.

Monday: Levesdon studios

Tuesday: Meal and Cocktails with my closest friends

Wednesday: Meal with my grandparents and close family

Thursday: finding out I've wasted 2 years of my life Results and first proper night out

Friday: Recovery (much needed)

Saturday: Smashing the town!

SO FUCKING PUMPED

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I just want to scream

To tell everybody how I'm feeling

but my mind is still convinced that no one is listening

just shut up

and go to bed

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I hate that I can't get myself past this point. I am trying to pretend that I'm over everything. That I don't care that he decided to lose me, I go through long periods that I'm sure I have gotten over it. I still wear the things he gave me, have his poster on my wall and his charms on my bracelet. I see them all and I convince myself I feel nothing. I convince myself that they don't remind me of him, the him I loved. Though the part of me that used to love him still pines for the him that loved me. Checking whether he ever misses me like that twinge in my spine that still misses him. Yet the him that loved me no longer exists and the part of me that can not forgive him for all he has done has grown like a shield over the that part of my heart that still feels. That's where the pain and the confusion and the anger stems. Knowing that you shouldn't give it a thought but cursed to forever look over my shoulder at what used to be.

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I love early birthday presents

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Taken with Instagram

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SeaSideSuburbia

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[energyiseverything-blog]

Why should I give a shit?

When there are people obviously don't.

People who never did.

but you know what?

I also could not give less of a fuck about them either.

The world is full of pathetic, cowards.

You just have to take off the rose-tinted glasses to see it.

I'm not upset, just angry that I didn't realise all this earlier.

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Something . . .

Just doesn't feel right.