enceladussx

[enceladussx]

I WISH I WAS GAY. AND ONLY GAY.

WHY. do i like m*n

[enceladussx]

You get what you want when you decide you have it. 

You get what you want when you decide you have it. 

You get what you want when you decide you have it. 

[enceladussx]

disillusionment.

i'm not entirely bitter over the fact anymore. i don't even know entirely what happened and how to translate it into words myself but i can admit it has left me a little hole, somewhere in my soul that was filled with love and excitement i have for you, and i have for us. the hole isn't detrimental to what we have curated amongst ourselves, we have great potential for something bigger, something greater that goes far beyond our imperfections but unfortunately for us *your* imperfections have left me an empty hole swarmed with a tamed storm of purified sadness and empty longing to who i thought you were, or rather, who i thought you stood, as an individual, a partner, a person, for me. i shan't dwell on the fact of betrayal and resentment i feel towards your actions as i am eager to move on and bury this. yet, although retrospectively small, it is going to take a lot to re-kindle that inexplicable excitement i had for you and i and our future. i shan't dwell. i can accept the very truth of what happened or moreover, what could've happened but ultimately that inkling of trust is gone and i need you to bring it back to me sharper and shinier than ever in order for our connection to re-spark into the infinities and further more.

[enceladussx]

You will find people who love you with the kindness you deserve.

[enceladussx]

I draw abundance from all corners of the Universe.

[enceladussx]

An ode to sunset

Sometimes I have to break my own arbitrary rules.

[enceladussx]

Comet McNaught

[enceladussx]

[enceladussx]

“Your identity should be so secure that when someone walks away from you they don’t take you with them.”

— Unknown

[enceladussx]

IM GOING TO LOVE THIS LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT

[enceladussx]

monstrous tweak

there is no need for me to find peace in myself by being someone else. it is not fulfilling. i am not this girl that exists solely in my head for someone else. for him. i am enough. he likes me for who i am and THAT is enough. i don’t need to spend countless hours subconsciously thinking to myself how i can mould my soul and person into this intricate girl that only exists in an alternative universe - far to reach. i am always going to be good enough. no need to stretch out and throw myself in circles waiting for an impossible moment of “sufficiency”. the day will never come. i accept from today and always that i prosper in my soul and consciousness. i have always loved who i am. i tread in hate, blood and weaponry when i force myself to believe i am this deity who shall not perish. live among yourself and don’t force your soul down. i am great. i am powerful. i am enough.

[enceladussx]

I AM ENOUGH

J’EN AI ASSEZ

YO SOY SUFICIENTE

[enceladussx]

love lust blah blah

how have i worked up the fortune to be present on this earth, this earth so full of love and possibilities, at the same time you pose existence on this earth alongside me. the existence of humanity has existed for 15,000 times greater than our lifespan. how is this possible? how have i wound up here, in the arms and grace of your arms where i could be anywhere. your soul grips onto mine when i so daringly look into your eyes; what can we do, what can we craft? what can be done in this short time we spend together on this rock of life. my soul leaps out of my being every time i feel your delicate skin so willingly press against mine as we so graciously share that singularity in time together, peace we have. habitually you stroll through my mind reminding me of how much of an addictive craving you are, yet, you will not summon immediately in front of me as i so please. this dependent longing for you has forced me to be patient for your touch, your gaze, your scent, your presence, although, it feels like a punishment every time you are afar. looking up at you, from down below - wherever that may be - assures me of great safety and innocent passion; so rare yet so pure. i must encapsulate this feeling, put in in a box and nurture with love and devotion so that i can watch it grow, so great and tall into an enchanting forest - living forever. i pray we seek fortune in the opportunity of possessing the chance of growing together like vines intertwining in together; through and through. i observe your person and as i do so it floods my entity with adrenaline for the future we may grasp luck of spending together; endless opportunities, exploring the beauty of earth together - not finished until we have explore every corner of this planet, we can see it all!! i hope so dearly at least. i feel so comfortable with you, like there are no problems prevalent at your attendance, you are my rock. you remind me of times where there were no troubles and things were easy; everything was okay. you cast such peace upon my aura - i cannot let go of it, we have plenty of things to do yn, i cannot wait for it all, you are my angel, my love, my pookie, my yn. i adore you so much.

[enceladussx]

“Two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.”

— Jorge Luis Borges

[enceladussx]

i see us in you.

when i come to think of you which i come to do so more often than not, i find my brain becomes a sink hole, emptiness, it turns into nothing. its like the sheer thought of you crossing my mind so abruptly causes my mind to go silent. quietness has come alas. i see myself dearly in you yet i ought to cherish this feeling before it erupts. i create you in everything that i experience; every song that i listen to, i feel you, every car ride i endure, i see you, every thing i consume, its you. now, i hope for what we have, so small and insignificant, for now, yet so daring and may well exceed our expectations, for later, lasts a journey to and fro beyond great lengths that allow for curious individuals such that be us. i allow for this feeling to bury itself under my feet and gradually grow through my body as i so greatly allow for you. i allow for you to explore and experiment for what may be a potential 'us', and so we will later see. my body sings out for you in a desperation for your touch and closeness yet my soul knows it will never be enough; i need to reach in and claim your heart as a product of our experiences for what will soon be our journey. your eyes allure me in like ropes round my ankles as i begin to walk inside you. i need you. i need you so i can cool off in the ponds of your eyes, treading, mindlessly. i pray to soon be carved deeper into your soul creating marks upon you, not to be forgotten. i crave your attention, all day, every day; wonder, i do of you, for what might you possibly be doing, or rather thinking of, without my presence at your hand following you at each step. i want your eyes on me, eyes in me and engulfing me until crystals roll down my cheek so cold, yet so bitter, stabbing me into my chest with what you use to pierce, alluringly. i lust after your longing for me, a maze, perhaps, in which we run circles and circles in until we plummet to the blades of grass which rest beneath us. i insist for you to trace your fingers along my mouth until my eyelids fall blank, make me implore for you, make me weak, for that i am rather culpable; your hands tempt me so gravely that i struggle to let go of the thought: what are they there for? whom are they there for? rather, what are you here for? whom are you here for? my heart slows down. it is you that i observe. i refuse to rest until i find pleasure in my existence aside yours, for what you make me feel.

[enceladussx]

the incredibly anxious attachment style.

i’m quite aware that i have an anxious attachment style but it feels like this level of anxiety is flooding my mind almost all of the time. i barely even know you and my mind is coming up with harmful excuses for every behaviour i observe of you and yet it all still comes back to me. have i done something wrong. have i done something wrong. HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG. always pondering in my mind like steel shackles; what changed, what changed, what changed. i’m too observant of everything you say and everything you do and i wonder even on the smallest things. i wonder about your whereabouts, your texting habits. why can’t you be obsessed with me like i am with you. what CHANGED. this storm in my mind swarms my brain projecting fear of loss, fear of losing you. i’m always trying to stand in front of your face clapping my hands: LOOK AT ME! I AM HERE! why can’t you see me the way i’m making you see me. have i done something wrong. i’m always looking for a reason for everything and i never find a reasonable answer to anything. my mind will fixate on the most appropriate conspiracy and let that run laps in my brain until im worn out tired; floating in the lake my tears have created for you. why can’t i be seen and heard by you. why am i only at peace when i have your full attention. you just being there isn’t enough you know. you JUST being there isn’t ENOUGH. how can i change these agonising habits and have healthier thought processes and not have to worry about everything ever. how CAN I FUCKING CHANGE. even when i’m not THINKING about you this disturbing puddle of blood coated with my fears and insecurities lies at the pit of stomach engulfing my being. i am helpless. i want full control of the situation but i never get it and i lose everything when i don’t. there’s no one in my mind besides YOU. why is it always YOU. why is there always a YOU. i can’t keep falling into these traditions i just need unconditional love from you all i ask. my heart carves itself out for you to just admire and hold momentarily. why can’t you be closer to me. why can’t you come closer. WHY are we being like this. WHY WHY WHY.

[enceladussx]

father daughter

you make me feel small and innocent again; once how my dad made me feel when i was a younger girl. the way you choose your vocabulary when you speak to me reminds me of when i was a naïve little girl. ive noticed that i crave that feeling of cluelessness and depending on someone to feel safe and secure. why do you make me feel this way so massively? despite your position in society and wealth, you are not much greater and different to me yet i see you as so much more smarter and knowledgable than me; almost like you know best, whats best for me. i could trust you with anything, even my fate of my life and that is only because you have such an authoritative figure over me that i have technically made up in my head via the words you have said to me. i am gravely obsessed with you my love and i am simply hopeless. i cannot sleep because of you as all i do is spend my time thinking about you. because to me, you are so so special and i want you all to myself and i do not know where i stand or what i should do to get you other than talk to you and keep playing along with this silly game until i can properly talk to you in person and get a proper latch and fixation of you. i am so emotionally vulnerable with you, yet i keep second guessing every word you speak to me because are you even real. you make me feel enchanted with safety and reassurance. i just want to bury my soft skin into your back; what can i do to deserve that, to deserve your full undivided attention all of the time my love what can i do. i have invested weeks and months of my time to form this obsession i have over you simply because you are simply a perfect partner for me, you are everything i want yet you may not be what my soul needs. although, i see you now, i want you now therefore i know i need you now in order to calm the cravings of my physical being that naturally allure towards that presence of yours. how can i be so tossed and turned by one individual i do not know but i do know that you are what i have to discover or i will downwardly spiral into never-ending obsession for you my love; if it isnt already bad enough, no-one can save me now love, only you. only you can make me feel like how i once did all those years ago, you make me feel special and included in your shitty life. i want you to acknowledge me how i once was as a small girl, i want you to take care of me and make me feel so important to you as if i were your top priority every second of the day. i need you more than anything cant you understand that my love.