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You will find people who love you with the kindness you deserve.

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I draw abundance from all corners of the Universe.

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An ode to sunset

Sometimes I have to break my own arbitrary rules.

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Comet McNaught

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“Your identity should be so secure that when someone walks away from you they don’t take you with them.”

— Unknown

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IM GOING TO LOVE THIS LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT

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monstrous tweak

there is no need for me to find peace in myself by being someone else. it is not fulfilling. i am not this girl that exists solely in my head for someone else. for him. i am enough. he likes me for who i am and THAT is enough. i don’t need to spend countless hours subconsciously thinking to myself how i can mould my soul and person into this intricate girl that only exists in an alternative universe - far to reach. i am always going to be good enough. no need to stretch out and throw myself in circles waiting for an impossible moment of “sufficiency”. the day will never come. i accept from today and always that i prosper in my soul and consciousness. i have always loved who i am. i tread in hate, blood and weaponry when i force myself to believe i am this deity who shall not perish. live among yourself and don’t force your soul down. i am great. i am powerful. i am enough.

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I AM ENOUGH

J’EN AI ASSEZ

YO SOY SUFICIENTE

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love lust blah blah

how have i worked up the fortune to be present on this earth, this earth so full of love and possibilities, at the same time you pose existence on this earth alongside me. the existence of humanity has existed for 15,000 times greater than our lifespan. how is this possible? how have i wound up here, in the arms and grace of your arms where i could be anywhere. your soul grips onto mine when i so daringly look into your eyes; what can we do, what can we craft? what can be done in this short time we spend together on this rock of life. my soul leaps out of my being every time i feel your delicate skin so willingly press against mine as we so graciously share that singularity in time together, peace we have. habitually you stroll through my mind reminding me of how much of an addictive craving you are, yet, you will not summon immediately in front of me as i so please. this dependent longing for you has forced me to be patient for your touch, your gaze, your scent, your presence, although, it feels like a punishment every time you are afar. looking up at you, from down below - wherever that may be - assures me of great safety and innocent passion; so rare yet so pure. i must encapsulate this feeling, put in in a box and nurture with love and devotion so that i can watch it grow, so great and tall into an enchanting forest - living forever. i pray we seek fortune in the opportunity of possessing the chance of growing together like vines intertwining in together; through and through. i observe your person and as i do so it floods my entity with adrenaline for the future we may grasp luck of spending together; endless opportunities, exploring the beauty of earth together - not finished until we have explore every corner of this planet, we can see it all!! i hope so dearly at least. i feel so comfortable with you, like there are no problems prevalent at your attendance, you are my rock. you remind me of times where there were no troubles and things were easy; everything was okay. you cast such peace upon my aura - i cannot let go of it, we have plenty of things to do yn, i cannot wait for it all, you are my angel, my love, my pookie, my yn. i adore you so much.

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“Two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.”

— Jorge Luis Borges

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i see us in you.

when i come to think of you which i come to do so more often than not, i find my brain becomes a sink hole, emptiness, it turns into nothing. its like the sheer thought of you crossing my mind so abruptly causes my mind to go silent. quietness has come alas. i see myself dearly in you yet i ought to cherish this feeling before it erupts. i create you in everything that i experience; every song that i listen to, i feel you, every car ride i endure, i see you, every thing i consume, its you. now, i hope for what we have, so small and insignificant, for now, yet so daring and may well exceed our expectations, for later, lasts a journey to and fro beyond great lengths that allow for curious individuals such that be us. i allow for this feeling to bury itself under my feet and gradually grow through my body as i so greatly allow for you. i allow for you to explore and experiment for what may be a potential 'us', and so we will later see. my body sings out for you in a desperation for your touch and closeness yet my soul knows it will never be enough; i need to reach in and claim your heart as a product of our experiences for what will soon be our journey. your eyes allure me in like ropes round my ankles as i begin to walk inside you. i need you. i need you so i can cool off in the ponds of your eyes, treading, mindlessly. i pray to soon be carved deeper into your soul creating marks upon you, not to be forgotten. i crave your attention, all day, every day; wonder, i do of you, for what might you possibly be doing, or rather thinking of, without my presence at your hand following you at each step. i want your eyes on me, eyes in me and engulfing me until crystals roll down my cheek so cold, yet so bitter, stabbing me into my chest with what you use to pierce, alluringly. i lust after your longing for me, a maze, perhaps, in which we run circles and circles in until we plummet to the blades of grass which rest beneath us. i insist for you to trace your fingers along my mouth until my eyelids fall blank, make me implore for you, make me weak, for that i am rather culpable; your hands tempt me so gravely that i struggle to let go of the thought: what are they there for? whom are they there for? rather, what are you here for? whom are you here for? my heart slows down. it is you that i observe. i refuse to rest until i find pleasure in my existence aside yours, for what you make me feel.

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the incredibly anxious attachment style.

i’m quite aware that i have an anxious attachment style but it feels like this level of anxiety is flooding my mind almost all of the time. i barely even know you and my mind is coming up with harmful excuses for every behaviour i observe of you and yet it all still comes back to me. have i done something wrong. have i done something wrong. HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG. always pondering in my mind like steel shackles; what changed, what changed, what changed. i’m too observant of everything you say and everything you do and i wonder even on the smallest things. i wonder about your whereabouts, your texting habits. why can’t you be obsessed with me like i am with you. what CHANGED. this storm in my mind swarms my brain projecting fear of loss, fear of losing you. i’m always trying to stand in front of your face clapping my hands: LOOK AT ME! I AM HERE! why can’t you see me the way i’m making you see me. have i done something wrong. i’m always looking for a reason for everything and i never find a reasonable answer to anything. my mind will fixate on the most appropriate conspiracy and let that run laps in my brain until im worn out tired; floating in the lake my tears have created for you. why can’t i be seen and heard by you. why am i only at peace when i have your full attention. you just being there isn’t enough you know. you JUST being there isn’t ENOUGH. how can i change these agonising habits and have healthier thought processes and not have to worry about everything ever. how CAN I FUCKING CHANGE. even when i’m not THINKING about you this disturbing puddle of blood coated with my fears and insecurities lies at the pit of stomach engulfing my being. i am helpless. i want full control of the situation but i never get it and i lose everything when i don’t. there’s no one in my mind besides YOU. why is it always YOU. why is there always a YOU. i can’t keep falling into these traditions i just need unconditional love from you all i ask. my heart carves itself out for you to just admire and hold momentarily. why can’t you be closer to me. why can’t you come closer. WHY are we being like this. WHY WHY WHY.

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father daughter

you make me feel small and innocent again; once how my dad made me feel when i was a younger girl. the way you choose your vocabulary when you speak to me reminds me of when i was a naïve little girl. ive noticed that i crave that feeling of cluelessness and depending on someone to feel safe and secure. why do you make me feel this way so massively? despite your position in society and wealth, you are not much greater and different to me yet i see you as so much more smarter and knowledgable than me; almost like you know best, whats best for me. i could trust you with anything, even my fate of my life and that is only because you have such an authoritative figure over me that i have technically made up in my head via the words you have said to me. i am gravely obsessed with you my love and i am simply hopeless. i cannot sleep because of you as all i do is spend my time thinking about you. because to me, you are so so special and i want you all to myself and i do not know where i stand or what i should do to get you other than talk to you and keep playing along with this silly game until i can properly talk to you in person and get a proper latch and fixation of you. i am so emotionally vulnerable with you, yet i keep second guessing every word you speak to me because are you even real. you make me feel enchanted with safety and reassurance. i just want to bury my soft skin into your back; what can i do to deserve that, to deserve your full undivided attention all of the time my love what can i do. i have invested weeks and months of my time to form this obsession i have over you simply because you are simply a perfect partner for me, you are everything i want yet you may not be what my soul needs. although, i see you now, i want you now therefore i know i need you now in order to calm the cravings of my physical being that naturally allure towards that presence of yours. how can i be so tossed and turned by one individual i do not know but i do know that you are what i have to discover or i will downwardly spiral into never-ending obsession for you my love; if it isnt already bad enough, no-one can save me now love, only you. only you can make me feel like how i once did all those years ago, you make me feel special and included in your shitty life. i want you to acknowledge me how i once was as a small girl, i want you to take care of me and make me feel so important to you as if i were your top priority every second of the day. i need you more than anything cant you understand that my love.

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that feeling

i thought we were done. i thought your intentions with me were over. or so you made it apparent that you see no more. despite there being an empty, yet, laid table in-front of us, i still had hope; i construed a plan. a plan that would swallow your gaze onto my being. i wanted you to yearn for me and miss my presence on your phone. ten days walked by and i still thought of you: you would sweep up into my thoughts with things i would associate you with; healthy lifestyle, wealth and a presentable face. my plan was not underway and i had not executed any formal actions to grab your attention from whatever it was already fixated on, but you still stopped by and stole my attention again. you hold so much pride in yourself so this was unusual for you; taking me by great surprise. what business do you have with me all of a sudden? despite the endless questions, my heart sank back into that pit of joy and giddy it once found with you previously through exchanging witty, flirtatious comments amongst each other. fuck. why am i feeling this way about you when we have successfully failed to meet each other in person despite going to a great length to do so. how have we come back here? you admit you missed talking to me and that we should have never of fallen out in the first place. i stall my feelings with an interrupting doubt of is this bullshit or not. i am still undecided. but as we have been talking for so long consecutively and even after you decided to 'put your foot down' you still came back to me. you make me question so so heavily all the time. mostly i ponder on what is real or not; regarding you and regarding my emotions. do i actually have feelings for you or does a high status man like yourself, pursuing me, give me a sense of self worth and boost my ego a bit? whats more?

in heavy contrast to my doubt and unsure feelings, i am sure that you make me feel like a child again; that innocent feeling, that feeling of wanting to be rebellious and break rules yet equally feeling safe, loved and comforted. its a sense of security and playfulness you bring to me and i find that extremely hard to let go of. i feel totally small when i talk to you. not in the degrading way but in the way that i am looked after by you. and all you do is simply talk to me. and i haven't even met you yet: how weird is that?

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you're admirably making me skeptical

i admire you; everything about you seems to be perfect and clean: from your lifestyle to your looks. your physical image shares no flaws and the way you use your words to craft a sentence manages to melt me down to liquid skin and bones, it works every time. you can spend a day paying me no attention, adding no fuel to the fire, watch me burn out, and yet, you still manage to relight my intrigues so effortlessly; you barely try. what hope do i have with you. i'm not attached to you, yet, despite all the great intent to meet you, i will not become latched on until i see you as a reflection from the sunlight we stand under. yet there is so much inner tension within my physical and emotional body when i come to think about you. its like i'm a pool of gasoline and my presence being casted near yours will alight a storm of a fire for my obsession. nevertheless, its brewing, all it needs is one exchange in our bodies and the rest will begin to unfold. you intrigue me. again, you intrigue me although there is such little that you say. your'e a diamond to me and i want you wrapped around my finger with commitment and intent. you make me want to put in the effort to drag my being through fires and breeze just so that i can get to you and make you become a part of me. we will see, you're not quite real yet, not just yet

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las americas

thats where we met. on the island of tenerife celebrating both new years and my birthday. its past midnight now and i am finally 18. but equally still just a girl. me and my friend have got our eyes on you and your louis vuitton model friend. youre the only good looking people on this island it feels like; you gave off this energy of wealth and cleanliness we had to get your attention. we walk over to you and your friend and to my shock you wanted to talk to us first. thank god. we start talking and as time progressed i felt more and more attracted to you. all of a sudden we are walking to the rocks on the beach and youre undressing me and you soon start fucking me. "lie on the rocks i wanna fuck you in missionary to see your pretty smile", you say to me. damn okay, im thinking to myself. your dick is greatly ramming me into the rock underneath me and your kissing me so gently and slowly whilst the rest of your body is going insane on me. i was so in the moment. waves were splashing on us and i just remember lots of laughter whilst youre still inside of me. who are you? it lasted what felt like a lifetime but i loved every second of it. we stopped eventually as i was in so much pleasurable pain and we kept on talking. so much laughter and joy surrounded us, you picking me up and throwing me in the air, so many smiles. i gave you a ring that i made and you wore it for the whole night. i took you back to our accomodation and before we slept your hands roamed my body, so slowly, so intimately and it felt better than anything ive ever had before. i remember looking at your eyes in the dim lit lighting and us softly smiling at each other. you're soft precious smile feels so comforting to me i cant let go of it i cant let go of anything. i couldnt help myself so we went to the toilet and stepped inside the shower where you proceeded to fuck me so hard. the way you handled my body felt so intimate and equally so so safe. i want so much of you this is so insane. you eventually finished, all over me even, and afterwards i just remember you embracing me so hard as we knew i had to leave so soon. you stayed with me until the very moment my taxi showed up, we hugged once more and kissed and that was goodbye.

i hate myself for this because maybe i am just so incredibly fucking delusional but that was easily the best fucking night of my life. never been happier. weve been in touch since and we are both so insanely obsessed with each other, we text each other all day and its looking very likely that i am going to sweden to see him next week or he will come here, who knows. but i just so desperately need to see him again and from his words, he badly wants to see me soon. this could be the beginning of something big (im delusional.)