emenerd

[emenerd]

Doctor: What do you see in this X-ray?

Students: *collective gasp*

Doctor: Please don’t do that in front of patients.

[emenerd]

i’m using Internet Explorer, i hope this posts quickly. happy new year 2011

[emenerd]

PALPATINE: My dear boy. The only thing that we are discussing right now is what you want.

ANAKIN: Hm. Okay, world peace for Padmé, a Best Jedi mug for Obi-Wan - no, that's not me being bitchy, he literally will not accept a bigger gift...

PALPATINE: Yes, you shall have it all. Just -

ANAKIN: Oh, I'm not done. A billion... no, you know what, a trillion credits for Ahsoka, rights for the clones plus backpay and overtime for the war, full rights to their own genetic code, a special vode-only tribune that will investigate Kaminoans and natborn officers for sentient rights violations...

PALPATINE:

ANAKIN: ... slavery is to be abolished across the galaxy, I and any vode who want to join me will be sanctioned by the Republic to hunt down slavers, starting with Tatooine, hair cream for Windu - okay, that one is me being bitchy - and, well, I guess I'd want a fleet of the absolute best ships for me. As a treat.

PALPATINE: I see. Are you done?

ANAKIN: I guess. How soon can you deliver?

PALPATINE: Well. As it stands... it might... take some time.

ANAKIN: That's cool. You can get all the legal stuff done tomorrow, just call in a special session of the Senate, but I get that commissioning a fleet will take some time. I didn't even give you a list of models or anything.

PALPATINE: ... yes. I can't help but to think that you're disregarding your wife's safety here.

ANAKIN: Oh, no. I'm being smart.

PALPATINE: You are?

ANAKIN: Yup. Padmé is a completely healthy woman. Her pregnancy is very low risk. So, if she's going to die in childbirth, it's got to have something to do with the war, right? If we end the war, there's no danger to Padmé.

PALPATINE: Have you forgotten what I told you about Darth Plagueis the Wise?

ANAKIN: No, but if I use Sith Magic to save her, she's probably going to turn into a zombie or something. Trust me, Chancellor, I've seen it before.

PALPATINE: I'm afraid to ask, but where have you seen zombies?

ANAKIN: Eh, you can check my mission reports. Anyways, if you just hand me your credit chit, I can get to buying Obi-Wan that mug, giving Ahsoka the trillion and all that.

PALPATINE: Well, I...

ANAKIN: And if you don't want to go through with this, I'm definitely going to murder you right now. You being a Sith Lord and all that.

PALPATINE: Oh.

ANAKIN: Yeah.

PALPATINE: Well, here's my credit chit.

ANAKIN: Thanks, Sheev! Just one more question. What are you getting out of this?

PALPATINE: ... I'm going to declare myself Emperor and bring about the age of the Sith.

ANAKIN: Okay, that's cool.

PALPATINE: It... is?

ANAKIN: Sure. I mean, you basically are an emperor already, and we have freedom of religion. Just make sure that your Empire is strictly democratic, or else Padmé's going to be mad at me.

PALPATINE: I... what? The purpose of an Empire is to do away with democracy! Cut away the rot of bureaucracy!

ANAKIN: Chancellor, do you remember the conversation we had just now about me murdering you?

PALPATINE: Yes, but you hate the Republic too!

ANAKIN: I know, but work stuff can't come between me and Padmé. One of the rules of a successful marriage. Anyways, get it done. I gotta go buy a mug and some hair cream.

-------------------------------

BREAKING NEWS!

PEACE! Supreme Chancellor / Emperor-Elect Sheev Palpatine has announced the immediate cessation of hostilities between the Republic and the CIS along with a slew of other groundbreaking proposals. The Supreme Chancellor stated that with the death of General Grievous...

The Coruscant Herald spoke with Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, also known as the Negotiator.

"I've got this mug." said Master Kenobi, before launching into a protracted rant about the state of our democracy.

"I got back from Utapau, and Anakin tells me that he 'kind of' turned to the Dark Side. How do you 'kind of' turn? But now we have galactic peace. But we also have an Emperor. Well, in three days we will have an Emperor. But the Emperor is going to have less power than the Supreme Chancellor has right now, and they're the same person. Not to mention that he's the Sith. My entire life has turned into a philosophical nightmare on whether the ends justify the means, and it's all being personified by this blasted mug." ...

Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo had a brief conversation with the Herald.

"Well, I think of it like a retirement present. A lifetime achievement award. He is an older man, and no doubt he'll abdicate in due time. This will be an interesting footnote in the history of the Republic." ...

Spokesbeing for the Shmi Skywalker Foundation, Anakin Skywalker spoke at length with our reporter.

"Well, we at the Shmi Skywalker Foundation offer only two things: freedom to slaves and death to slavers. And sometimes imprisonment to slavers, because Obi-Wan and Padmé were pretty adamant about that. And also financial aid, legal aid, housing, therapy, et cetera. For the freed people. So I guess we offer more than two things, but they're all good things."

"Sheev? Sheev is great. A nice old man. I think he's going to abdicate in, oh, three years or so? [Editor's Note: Transcript is garbled due to the Emperor-Elect coughing suddenly.] [...Yo]u need a glass of water, Sheev? Get him - yeah, one of you red guys, get him a glass of water. You're not a young man anymore, Sheev. Yeah, I think he'll abdicate within three years."

Emperor-Elect Sheev Palpatine declined to comment at this time.

[emenerd]

Anakin Skywalker

- eats bugs

- is tempted by an eldritch master who promises him unnatural power (but only seeks to use him as a pawn)

- dies grappling with the same master to save someone he loves

R. M. Renfield

- eats bugs

- is tempted by an eldritch master who promises him unnatural power (but only seeks to use him as a pawn)

- dies grappling with the same master to save someone he loves

i Will Not elaborate

[emenerd]

Headcanon: When he hits his teenage years, Aang starts fucking with his friends by making up all sorts of wild stuff that totally happened 100 years ago. Toph always says "he's not lying", but at this point the Gaang knows that The Gremlin Supports Lying For Fun, so Aang always suggests going to Bumi to confirm whatever bullshit he's spewing this time. And he always does.

The Gaang figures that Aang must be somehow coordinating this with Bumi, because no matter how absurd the lie is, Bumi is always 100% on board and can elaborate on it seamlessly. They keep trying to find out how Aang and Bumi are coordinating the lies, going so far as to intercept Aang's letters to Bumi to check for secret codes, but they can never find anything.

And the truth is that they're not coordinating. Bumi just rolls with whatever Aang comes up with because it's hilarious and Aang is his buddy.

[emenerd]

Crackfic Idea:

30-year-old Zuko gets randomly flung back in time to his 16-year-old self. For a couple of hours at a time. At the most random times imaginable. Imagine the potential.

Zuko assumes that it's a dream or a vision, but definitely not real. He tries not to freak everybody out too badly, but he's also fully enjoying himself and seeing all of his friends as their young selves.

ZUKO, as he and Aang circle each other at the South Pole: I've spent years preparing for this encounter. Training, meditating. You're just a [Spirit Shwoop Sound] ... baby Aang!

AANG, confused: Well, more like preteen Aang. How do you know my name?

ZUKO, looking around: Wait, where are we?

AANG: Um... this is the-

SOKKA: Don't answer him! He's trying to get information out of you. You can't give away our location!

KATARA: Sokka, he's standing in the middle of our village. I think he knows.

ZUKO: We're here? This is so weird. I was just here for the Annual Penguin Race.

AANG: THERE'S AN ANNUAL PENGUIN RACE?!

ZUKO: Well, yeah, it was your idea... you gave a whole speech about cross-cultural cooperation and friendship, but I know you just wanted to go penguin sledding with a bunch of people...

AANG: Well, I-

SOKKA: Stop giving him more information! He already knows about the penguins!

Everybody else is confused, bewildered and even befuddled except for Iroh, who assumes that it's Spirit Shenanigans™️ and just fully accepts that his nephew likes tea and hugs and Pai Sho sometimes while being his usual shouty surly traumaball self at others.

ZUKO, stepping into the cabin: Hi, Uncle. I brought you some ginseng. How about a game of Pai Sho?

IROH, tearing up a little: I would love that, my nephew.

ZUKO: I wish we could do this more often, but you live so far away...

IROH, mentally calculating that he lives exactly three doors away from Zuko, and nodding sagely: The rat-viper may never climb the mountain that a hog-monkey can, but the monkey does not know what lies underneath it.

ZUKO, sighing sadly: I know, Uncle. I do appreciate my position in life, even if it has disadvantages.

IROH: Hmm. Your move, nephew.

The crew of Zuko's ship is terrified by the fact that whenever it happens, Zuko is somehow even more hyper-competent, seems to be weirdly calm about everything, and most unnervingly of all, he's polite.

SOLDIER: Here is a report on the best teahouses within three days travel of our current location, Sir. And, uh, Commander Zhao sent a messenger hawk.

ZUKO: Excellent. Thank you very much, Sergeant. I think we can ignore whatever Zhao has to say. In reply, I want you to send him a list of the most famous officers in Fire Nation history, and point out that none of them had sideburns. I want to see if he shaves them.

SOLDIER, sweating nervously: O-of course, Sir.

As a matter of fact, the whole fic could just be Zuko trolling Zhao. It would be glorious.

[emenerd]

Baby Bending

Animated by me.

[emenerd]

Little snippets of dialogue, showing what I think postwar redeemed Azula would look like:

AZULA: Admiral Asahi seems to be convinced that a return to the old regime would be in the best interests of the Fire Nation. He recently gave a speech where he accused the Fire Lord of being an impotent, cowardly puppet who was leading the country to ruin. Well, if he misses the old ways so badly, we should slather him with tar, put him in a boat at sunset and light the boat on fire after Agni's last rays have left the world, so his spirit will never feel the warmth of the Sun again!

EVERYBODY: [looks at her]

AZULA: But... we won't. Because. We're very moral.

SOKKA: Yyyeah, good save. Not creepy at all.

---

ZUKO: Princess Azula, what do you think we should do about the war orphans?

AZULA: We should train them to be an elite fighting force. They've already lost everything, so their feelings of hate and grief would be easy to twist to serve us.

ZUKO, sighing: Let's try that again. Remember that the Earth King's delegation is going to be at this meeting, so maybe try to avoid saying anything that could restart the war.

AZULA: ... give them jobs?

ZUKO: Child labor is bad.

AZULA: Even if it's-

ZUKO: Even if it's peasant children, yes. And don't call them peasants.

AZULA: What do you want from me? Should I say, 'oh, poor babies, we should fund luxurious orphanages where they can get the best education and care, and many hugs and kisses, where they can weave flower crowns and roll around in meadows of fire lillies?'

ZUKO: Yes.

AZULA: Oh. Well, that one, then.

---

ZUKO: Azula! What did you do?

AZULA: You're going to have to be a little more specific.

ZUKO: Admiral Asahi's estate burned down!

AZULA: That's unfortunate, but I don't see what it has to do with me.

ZUKO: So you're saying you didn't do it?

AZULA: Of course I didn't.

ZUKO: ... really?

AZULA: I hired someone to do it. I am royalty, after all.

ZUKO: Azula!

AZULA: Oh, lighten up, Zuzu. My operative made sure that everyone got out.

ZUKO: Everyone except for Asahi, who was trapped in his outhouse.

AZULA: Yes, well, that was unfortunate.

ZUKO: In his outhouse, where the fire started.

AZULA: A very tragic accident, but he survived, didn't he?

ZUKO: Yeah, but he was covered in... anyways, who did you hire?

AZULA: You know, I'm not entirely sure. She wore a mask, but I think she's called the Red Spirit.

ZUKO: What? You can't steal my secret identity!

AZULA: What are you talking about?

ZUKO: The Blue Spirit!

AZULA: The Blue Spirit was a myth, made up by Zhao to explain the Avatar's escape from Pohuai. Sure, there were some copycat bandits in the Earth Kingdom, but our own intelligence has repeatedly dismissed the possibility of the Blue Spirit being an actual person. Haven't you been keeping up with the reports?

ZUKO: I- you- argh! [stomps off]

AZULA: Bye, Zuzu.

[emenerd]

Further Excerpts From The Fire Nation Royal Palace Servants' (Unofficial) Handbook

Or: More Revisions To Normal Protocol After The Ascension Of Agni's Exalted Flame, The Dragon Of The Sun, et cetera, Fire Lord Zuko

Part 1:

7. If His Majesty offers you advice regarding martial arts, camouflage, theatre, or any other subject which he is commonly known to be well-versed in, accept it gratefully. If His Majesty offers you advice on emotional matters, listen politely and then disregard it.

7.1. If His Majesty uses the phrase "silver sandwich", you are entitled to a longer lunch break. So you can take a longer bite out of your silver sandwich.

7.1.1. Please do not vandalize the handbook, even if you think it's funny.

7.1.2. Especially if you think it's funny, Chikao.

7.2. If you share something tragic with His Majesty, and he replies "that's rough, buddy", it means he empathizes with your situation.

7.2.1 Alright, maybe he did need to learn that it's not a great way to respond to tragedy. But "rough like the boulders that crushed my father?" was a bit much.

8. Prince Iroh has advised the servants not to reveal to His Majesty what the meat in turtleduck dumplings is. Apparently, he thinks the name comes from their shape. The dumplings are not shaped like turtleducks.

8.1. Now that His Majesty knows, be ready to recite the names of all the turtleducks in the palace at a moment's notice, and also to reassure His Majesty that they are all safe, accounted for, and uneaten.

9. His Majesty should be kept apprised of any "sightings" of the Blue Spirit. The Blue Spirit is an entirely fictional creature. However, his belief in it is entirely benign (and as far as eccentricities go, we've all seen worse) and likely something he will outgrow with age.

9.1. Do not lie about any "sightings". If His Majesty is told that the Blue Spirit was sighted near his window, he will be extremely distraught for the entire day. The Fire Lord has too many real assassins to worry about already. There is no need to add imaginary ones to the mix.

9.1.1. And whenever he is distraught, his footsteps are even quieter than they normally are. It is hard enough to keep track of his movements as it is.

10. While His Majesty has approved the "Kick Ozai Retreat" for servants who were mistreated by Ozai of the Fire Nation (titles rmvd, dishon.), it will never be organized. Please suggest other activities for the Servant Wellness Day.

10.1. Yes, that is because Avatar Aang found out.

10.1.1. Specifically because of the very heartfelt and very long speech he gave on the matter. And the fear that he might give one again.

10.1.2. And no, we can not "simply tell the Avatar to shut up." He is the Avatar. And he is also a 13-year-old boy. His dragonling eyes are very effective.

11. Princess Azula is at the stage of her treatment where she will take regular trips to the palace, dividing her time between her island and here. We're all terrified, but there's nothing we can do.

11.1. Lady Beifong has offered to act as protection, should the need arise. On an unrelated note, the kitchens will now be serving a number of delicacies from the State of Gaoling.

11.2. At the specific and undeniable request of Master Toph, The Blind Bandit, her titles and styles have been updated and they will be enforced effective immediately.

12. If Avatar Aang is seen on a rooftop with no apparent purpose, that means that Fire Lord Zuko is also on that rooftop. Get him down.

12.1. If Master Katara appears to be discreetly looking for someone, that usually means that one or all of His Majesty, Avatar Aang, Master Toph, the Honorable Tribesman Sokka, or the lemur Momo are in some kind of trouble. Assist her. Before one of those idiots gets themselves killed.

12.2. Do not vandalize the handbook, even if it's true. Also, please do not call our Fire Lord, the Avatar, Master Toph, or the Avatar's beloved pet an idiot.

13. Any senior officials who wish to challenge Fire Lord Zuko to an Agni Kai should be directed to the Fourth Scribe's office. They should also be told that there is a waitlist.

13.1. If the Honorable Tribesman Sokka wishes to challenge the Fire Lord to an Agni Kai again, he should be denied. No matter what he tells you, he has not developed Firebending abilities by means of "Spirit World shenanigans" or by Avatar Aang "just giving them to him, Energybending style, like best buddies do, you know."

13.1.1. The Matron has made it known that if the Honorable Tribesman Sokka offers to demonstrate his so-called "Firebending abilities" again, servants are allowed one free kick. The last time he did it, the stench from his blubber bombs lingered for three weeks.

[emenerd]

What if Zuko was adopted by King Kuei? Like, immediately after his banishment?

I mean. The dude doesn't know about the war. Zuko absolutely would tell him that he's the former crown prince of the Fire Nation, sure, but Kuei is probably the only person in the world who would just go "huh! A fellow royal!" and leave it at that. "Your own father banished you? My. I suppose you'll be my ward!" (He read about kings fostering the children of rival rulers, to ensure peace, and just figured that it was a neat tradition.)

And I absolutely subscribe to the slightly-fanon-not-quite-canon interpretation of Zuko as a theatre lover. And from what we see of King Kuei, he is an extremely sheltered man. What if they are both exactly the same type of nerd? What if they bond over obscure plays?

Long Feng is obviously going to try and disappear or ransom Zuko the second he can, but he can't do it openly. Kuei is only a figurehead for as long as he doesn't know he is one. And no matter how dumb Zuko is, he isn't dumb enough to give Long Feng the chance... at first.

Kuei is a completely safe adult for Zuko - somebody who wouldn't hurt him, but also is not physically capable of hurting him. But if we look at him, he also did a complete 180 on Long Feng the moment he had tangible evidence. He reflected on his failures honestly, and actually did do better. He's not a bad person, and not even stupid - just sheltered and naïve.

Meanwhile, Zuko is exactly the kind of challenge a man like Kuei needs to shake him up. I give it, like, two weeks before Zuko (having been informed of The Rules by Long Feng) tells Kuei all about the war, and then something like six months before Zuko tells him about the war honestly. (You know, with the war crimes.)

There's intrigue! How does a banished Fire Nation prince navigate the complexities of a court he knows nothing about? (Badly. Long Feng tries to sabotage him at every turn.) Mysteries! Who are all these weird ladies who call themselves Joo Dee? Heartbreak! When Zuko is inevitably disappeared by the Dai Li for getting too close to the truth. Awesome non-action moments, when Kuei remembers that actually, he is in charge, and he would like his son back. Serendipity! When it turns out that Zuko's bad eye and ear make brainwashing very hard to do on him (it only sort of works). Awesome action moments, when Long Feng inevitably tries to kill Kuei, and Zuko snaps out of his half-brainwashing!

The epilogue is the Gaang arriving at Ba Sing Se. They find Appa brushed and healthy and good friends with the Earth King's adopted not-son and yes-bear.

[emenerd]

Tibanna Gaslighting

Anakin nodded, slowly, as Palpatine finished telling him about this Darth Plagueis guy.

“That’s… an interesting story, Chancellor,” he said. “Where did you hear it from?”

“...I beg your pardon?” Palpatine replied.

“Well…” Anakin said, waving his hand in a vague sort of way, mostly for emphasis. “I got to thinking about how… you know. You said that this wasn’t a story the Jedi would tell me, and it really got me to realize that you can’t just believe everything you hear without knowing where you hear it from. So, uh… if the Jedi tell me a story about the Jedi making mistakes, that’s something that’s more likely to be believable, that kind of thing.”

He shrugged, awkwardly. “So… where did you hear it from?”

“Someone?” Palpatine replied. “It was a long time ago. You wouldn’t know him, he’s dead now.”

“That’s a shame,” Anakin admitted. “But, still… what kind of person was he?”

“Oh, a businessman,” Palpatine answered. “I worked quite closely with him for a time, though we did eventually have something of a falling out.”

“Right,” Anakin nodded. “So I guess… it could be that this person who told you this was telling the truth. I don’t know him, so I don’t know if he’d be honest about it, and I guess I can’t think of a reason why someone would tell a story about this without telling the truth but that’s kind of the same for a lot of stories, right? And they can’t all be true.”

After a pause, during which Palpatine appeared to be thinking, Anakin had another thought.

“So this businessman,” he said. “What did you have a falling out over? I don’t hear much about what you were like when you were younger, Chancellor.”

“You seem very curious, all of a sudden, Anakin,” Palpatine deflected.

“I guess,” Anakin admitted. “Maybe I’m just kind of trying to think about something to distract me from the ballet.”

“Ballet is cultural,” Palpatine pointed out.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m trying to distract myself from it,” Anakin agreed. “I guess what I’m wondering is why someone would tell you a story like that.”

“It-” Palpatine began, then shook his head. “I suppose… you may have a point, Anakin.”

“It’s like with the way the Jedi talk about the Sith,” Anakin went on. “They said the Sith were extinct for nearly a thousand years, until this Darth Maul guy showed up, and then suddenly everyone realized the Sith had been hiding out for a thousand years instead. Just, you know. Not doing anything.”

Anakin chuckled. “Maybe that’s the thing! Because Sith use the Dark Side, right? And that’s all about instant gratification, not about being hidden for hundreds of years until eventually someone gets their revenge on the rest of the galaxy… it’s almost like it’d make more sense for these Sith to just be a new group who’ve called themselves the Sith. Sith is just a name, right? And it’s not like it’s impossible to use the Dark Side otherwise… but I guess the Jedi must have thought of that.”

Palpatine’s expression looked like he’d bitten into some kind of particularly sour fruit, and Anakin frowned.

“Are you okay, Chancellor?” he asked. “Do you not like the ballet either?”

“The ballet is fine,” Palpatine answered. “I do not mind the ballet. I am wondering if my entire life has been a lie.”

“Oh, yeah, I do that sometimes,” Anakin replied.

That evening, in his office, the Chancellor glowered at his statues of the Sages of Dwarti.

Then frowned.

Why had he been doing all of this, anyway?

Power? He had that, and power was a means to an end, anyway.

The destruction of the Jedi? Maybe… but that was a means to an end. Not an end in itself. He wanted to rule the galaxy, and finally get revenge on the Jedi for what they had done to the Sith-

-and there, again, he ran into the problem Anakin had pointed out, perhaps without noticing.

Palpatine didn’t have any clue whether his master Plagueis had actually been… a Sith.

He could have just been a Dark-sider who had taken the name. Palpatine had thought himself an intelligent man, a dangerous man, a man who would never be taken in by trickery… but he had never questioned the idea that Plagueis was an actual Sith.

A Sith of a line of Sith who had lasted a thousand years, each of them intending to pass on their hatred to the next Sith, until some future Sith would actually take their revenge.

And that did not sound very Dark Side now that Palpatine actually thought about it.

How was it possible that a line of Sith could last so many centuries without breaking, without betrayal?

It didn’t seem possible.

And yet… and yet the plan was still working. It would allow him to turn the Republic into a new Sith Empire.

...no, not a Sith Empire. Just an Empire, where he could rule and do whatever it was he wanted. Like…

...he actually had trouble with that bit.

He’d spent his entire life pretending to be a kindly man to gain power, and what would he do with it then? He’d literally just been trying to recruit his newest Sith Apprentice by telling him about how he’d murdered his own Master. Anakin had already killed Tyrannus on Palpatine’s orders!

How long would Palpatine last if he became Emperor, the Jedi slain, and Anakin his apprentice?

Two years? Maybe three? If he killed off Anakin’s wife and avoided Anakin realizing why, that would get him a bit more time.

Or.

He could step down, with nobody any the wiser. The war won, Sheev Palpatine relinquishing his power, rich and honoured and able to do whatever he wished with the remaining several decades he could expect from his life.

It would even give him more time to do the closest thing he had to a hobby… manipulating people.

And, more than anything, it would mean he was not following the rut that a mere jumped-up businessman had created for him, decades ago, with his fanciful tale of a thousand years of Sith all finally �� conveniently – coming to their culmination just then, in Palpatine specifically.

Yes.

That was a much better plan.

[emenerd]

inspired by the ‘your afternoon was already ruined’ post

Death Star Stormtroopers: “Freeze!”

Han: (panicking, trying to come up with a lie): Woah there don’t shoot, uh, you can’t shoot us because—because this guy is Darth Vader’s son! You don’t want to be responsible for shooting Darth Vader’s own flesh and bone do you?”

Luke: *glares incredulously*

Stormtroopers: “That is the dumbest thing—”

Leia: (done at this point, absolutely done with this rescue, better than Han at lying) “Exactly! Why would we tell you something so phenomenally insane if it weren’t true! Why do you think Darth Vader is so obsessed with finding Rebels, huh? Call him he’ll tell you!”

Luke: (also done, much better than Han at lying): “Or you could just shoot us; I’m sure my father, Darth Vader, inventor of the lightsaber, would be thrilled to meet the men who killed his son and his son’s friends.” *waves lightsaber arrogantly*

Stormtrooper 1: “Maybe we should call this in. I mean—he’s got a lightsaber, so that’s—that’s Vader stuff anyway.”

Stormtrooper 2: “are you kidding me right now?”

Leia: *shoots them while they’re distracted*

Han: “…We’re friends?”

//

Tarkin: “The rebels said what? You incompetent fool, how could you buy such an absurd stalling—”

Vader: “My…son…”

Tarkin:

Tarkin: Oh fuck THIS.

[emenerd]

Okay. Okay. I’m rewatching ATLA and I just hit The Runaway and… new headcanon.

After the war, Toph pulls Aang, Suki, and Zuko aside and explains the whole “Sokka can’t remember what their mom looks like” thing and says she wants to do something about it, for both Sokka and Katara. So they put together a plan. They get Hakoda, Gran Gran, and any other Water Tribe members old enough to remember Kya to give them as detailed a description of her as possible, then with Zuko’s financial help they hire a top-notch portrait maker to put it all together.

Sokka and Katara aren’t suspicious when Zuko approaches them about having them sit for a portrait together - they helped save the world, they have quite a bit of fame and political attention now, makes sense to kind of capture them how they looked when they first defeated the Fire Lord for posterity. But with both of them sitting for the portrait for reference, and with the information from the Water Tribe describing her to work from, the artist is able to put together a damn good recreation of Kya. And when Sokka and Katara finally get to see the finished product r and realize what the artist was really working on, and what their friends did for them… Katara of course bursts into tears, both sad and happy, grief for her mother and joy to see her face so clearly again after so long, and full of love for the friends who went to so much effort to give her this.

But all Sokka can do is stare at the portrait. For so long, his image of his mother has grown murkier and less distinct in his mind. For so long, when he’s tried to picture his mom, all he could see was Katara, because it was Katara who stepped up and took on that role, Katara who made sure everyone stayed together and kept them feeling like a family. But now, he looks at this portrait of his mother, smiling and warm and alive in a way that she hadn’t been in his mind in so long, and instead of Katara in her face, he sees himself.

[emenerd]

Selected Excerpts From The Fire Nation Royal Palace Servants' (Unofficial) Handbook

Or: Revisions To Normal Protocol After The Ascension Of Agni's Exalted Flame, The Dragon Of The Sun, et cetera, Fire Lord Zuko

1. Agni's Exalted Flame, The Dragon Of The Sun, et cetera, Fire Lord Zuko should not be referred to by his full titles and styles, no matter the context. This appears to annoy him. "Fire Lord Zuko" and "Lord Zuko" are acceptable, as well as "your majesty" and "my Lord".

1.1 "Lord Hotman", however, is unacceptable.

1.2. Even if the Avatar specifically requests you to address Fire Lord Zuko as that.

1.3. In fact, any attempts by the Avatar, the Lady Beifong, the honorable Tribesman Sokka or even Master Katara to get you to address Fire Lord Zuko by anything other than his proper title should be disregarded.

1.4. Referring to Ozai of the Fire Nation (titles rmvd, dishon.) as "The Loser Lord", however, is acceptable.

2. Fire Lord Zuko is aware of the concept of mortality, but does not seem to understand how it relates to His Majesty. Following activities should be discouraged: Free climbing, glider usage, contact with exotic animals larger than a turtleduck (or smaller, if the animal is known to be venomous), amateur theatre productions, cooking, sailing, spelunking, botany, please see full list in the Matron's office.

2.1. It should be noted that His Majesty's belief that mortality does not apply to him does not appear to be completely unfounded. After several "close calls", it has been decided that upon his demise, Fire Lord Zuko should lie in state for at least two weeks.

2.1.1. We do not want another incident.

3. The turtleducks in the Western Pond do not need to be fed by the servants any more.

3.1. However, the turtleducks should be rotated out at regular intervals in order to prevent overfeeding.

4. At any official social functions, at least three servants should be vigilant in case His Majesty tries to tell a joke.

4.1. It should be noted that there is no concern for His Majesty's jokes being offensive, crass or otherwise contrary to good taste. They are simply very bad. His Majesty always ends up embarrassed.

5. Any children left unattended in the Royal Palace for more than 15 degrees can be retrieved from the Fire Lord's office.

6. Should His Majesty go missing, the following places should be searched: roofs and any high places, cellars and secret passages, the fur of the Avatar's sky bison (which is surprisingly deep), and every place that an ordinary five-year-old would think to hide in during a game of "Hide and Explode."

6.1. All of the Imperial Firebenders as well as any soldier who wears a mask during the course of their duties should be questioned.

6.1.1. Important note: Some of the soldiers who are especially close to His Majesty can perform a passable imitation of him. Efforts should be made to prevent an uneducated soldier from, say, conducting a meeting with the Minister of Agriculture.

6.2. After the recent incident, that list is expanded to include the Kyoshi Warriors and any other groups that might wear concealing full face paint.

6.3. If all of these measures prove ineffective, a letter should be sent to The Dragon of the West, Prince Iroh, asking His Highness to return His Majesty.

6.4. If a ransom note is delivered, it should be immediately checked against the handwriting samples from the honorable Tribesman Sokka as well as Avatar Aang, before any other actions are taken.

6.4.1. Replying "Good luck, he's your problem now" to a ransom note is absolutely unacceptable.

6.4.1.1. To further drive home the point, the Royal Archives are required by law to preserve every single piece of royal correspondence. That thing will end up in a museum.

This handbook will be updated should it prove necessary.

[emenerd]

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[emenerd]