eliswoods-blog

[eliswoods-blog]

lunawyd:

“what the actual fuck, eli ?? does that mean you — okay, honestly, i can’t even bear to say it out loud. the real question is why would you ever share this story with anyone ? you’re literally ten years old, please have some chill and learn to control your hormones. the next time this happens, i’m suing whichever mom tries to fuck with my son !!” 

“ i think i’m in the clear, don’t worry. but at the same time... you never know. i’m bad to the bone, luna. bad to the bone. i have a reputation to uphold---the people need to know. i’m just the baddest ten year old on the street, obviously. you really have your work as one of my moms cut out for ya. “ 

[eliswoods-blog]

conniemags:

connie: Elbow deep in cherries or killed a man…?

eli: definitely killed a man ur suspcious

snapchat //open

[eliswoods-blog]

avdotya ⬄ eli

avdotya: did you leave your toothbrush in the shower???

avdotya: or whos fuckin toothbrush is the shower

avdotya: why is there a toothbrush in the shower

eli: it's... george dubya kush's

eli: bill clinton's??

eli: efficiency is key. just don't worry about it

[eliswoods-blog]

[text] You told them the TV just grew wings, unbolted itself from the window and threw itself at the ground, and then started to cry because you believed your own story and thought it committed suicide. I’m pretty sure the police were justified in drug testing you.

[text] fuck off this is all your fault

[text] i’m never hanging out with you again friendship over

[eliswoods-blog]

“ so did i, after that many tequila shots. sure, maybe if i was still wasting away my days as a dishwasher. but i’m moving up in the world now. i’m a ‘barista slash crew member’ aka one of satan’s minions. no more bleach for me. “ 

“Please stop, I feel like vomiting. That’s really not a mental image I need – oh – and there it is. Fantastic. Got any bleach I can scrub my brain clean with?”

[eliswoods-blog]

“ everyone wants pics of him, he’s a real charmer. shit, true. i meant actually meaningful, but i take it back. i just want a good story. “ 

“ i don’t want pictures of your - oh, meaningful? like your first milf experience was meaningful? or actually meaningful? ”

[eliswoods-blog]

raven ⇆ eli.

raven: i'm going to wear this really cute blue bikini i got last weekend under. it's gonna be good

raven: i am so disappointed like talk dirty to me, obviously.

eli: send pix ;)

eli: stop we havent even had our first date /: i dont care if i want you to end up with avdotya

[eliswoods-blog]

[text] I just finished watching Alice in Wonderland for the third time in a row. I’m starting it again. I’m eating cocoa puffs. I’m a grown woman. If you’re ever feeling down about yourself, just remember that you could be me. // [text] You told them the TV just grew wings, unbolted itself from the window and threw itself at the ground, and then started to cry because you believed your own story and thought it committed suicide. I’m pretty sure the police were justified in drug testing you.

[text] you’re my role model #goals #swag #peace #cool #like4like #follow4follow[text] why didn't you tell them i was being framed? or that i had a poppyseed muffin for breakfast?

[eliswoods-blog]

raven ⇆ eli.

raven: is it acceptable to just wear an american flag wrapped like a towel today

raven: freedom

eli: do it. otherwise what's the point of breaking up with britain

eli: i was going to say something more clever but everything just sounded too dirty

[eliswoods-blog]

“ people who are in control of their life. you wouldn’t understand. --dan, dan.. buddy. hold up. i understand i’m nice to look at, but i’m afraid the feeling just isn’t mutual. i’m afraid i’m going to have to hold off on sending you pics of my dick today. i want my first gay experience to be more meaningful. “

“ who melts peeps? and dude, seriously…pics or it didn’t happen. ”

[eliswoods-blog]

“ group consensus says no--although i do think i spent a good chunk of the evening taking tequila shots out of her belly button. strange, but oddly satisfying. maybe she’s not a mom--just one of those cougars looking for an innocent little jewish boy to party with. it happens. “ 

Ew, you fucked someone’s mom? Did she use the hand sanitizer before she–you know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know

. 

[eliswoods-blog]

[text] I am literally ashamed of what I would do for a Klondike bar. // [text] If she was stupid enough to believe that you’re a student at Harvard, she deserves what she gets if she dates you.

[text] no shame it’s just part of the game.. just no treason 

[text] the key point is she believed it. and that she might date me. the rest is just minor details 

[eliswoods-blog]

“ but don’t worry. remember, i can boil water. and use a microwave... to melt peeps--and cook ramen noodles or cook easy mac. sort of? i remember asking her about what she thought about the bill of rights. after that, it’s kinda sketchy. i definitely either puked on her heels, or she sucked my dick in her car. or both. don’t tell daphne. she’d ground me.. or piss her pants laughing. “

“ that responsible adult facade is crumbling so fast. did you end up remembering her? ”

[eliswoods-blog]

[eliswoods-blog]

muse memes; text message edition part one.

[text] Today I asked my mother to buy me smaller condoms by mistake, instead of smaller tampons. If she pitifully looks at your crotch the next time you come over, don’t be confused.

[text] You yelled at the kitchen sponge and asked for the Krabby Patty secret formula. I’m pretty sure you were drunk.

[text] I just finished watching Alice in Wonderland for the third time in a row. I’m starting it again. I’m eating cocoa puffs. I’m a grown man. If you’re ever feeling down about yourself, just remember that you could be me.

[text] It’s been twelve hours and I think I’m officially ready to enter into the slutty stage of the break up phase.

[text] The last time I heard someone say ‘YOLO,’ I ended up getting arrested for pole dancing in the middle of a shopping mall. Too soon.

[text] On a scale of 1 to I should go prepare a grave for [him/her] in the woods, how’re you handling the break up?

[text] So anyway, the moral of that story is that they actually have a tiny jail in malls.

[text] I caught him masturbating to the Mario Bros. theme song. I’m marrying him.

[text] I just remember a disco ball flashing in the bathroom as I finger-banged a drag queen’s cleavage.

[text] You ran around town with nothing but my sister’s barbie doll taped to your junk.

[text] FUCK. FUCK. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH. IT’S NOT SAFE.

[text] You know how I sent you that selfie of me peeing on a cop car? Burn your phone. And if the cops stop by your door, I have a twin named Miguel.

[text] THE BABY IS CRYING THE MICROWAVE’S ON FIRE AND THE DOG IS DRAGGING HIS NEUTERED BALLS ACROSS THE FLOOR. BABYSITTING IS EASY, THEY SAID.

[text] On the plus side I started dissolving vitamins into my morning bottle of whiskey.

[text] Please tell me you don’t know why the dean came to me asking why there was blood in our dorm.

[text] WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY! THE SKY IS GREEN, THE GRASS IS BLUE, AND THE TRESS ARE JUST BLOWING THROUGH THE LEAVES!

[text] You told them the TV just grew wings, unbolted itself from the window and threw itself at the ground, and then started to cry because you believed your own story and thought it committed suicide. I’m pretty sure the police were justified in drug testing you.

[text] Hyyypothetically, if you happened to run out of toilet paper and the only other people in the bathroom were the two people having sex in the next stall over, would you act like you didn’t know what was going on and just ask, or politely wait until you heard the chick swallow?

[text] I am literally ashamed of what I would do for a Klondike bar.

[text] His grandmother ripped off her clothes and started belly dancing. I couldn’t look away. I blacked out and woke up in a fetal position.

[text] MY FIRST GAY EXPERIENCE WILL BE DONE RIGHT, DAMMIT. IT WILL BE DRUNK AND MEANINGFUL.

[text] I remember my bellybutton getting licked, your toe getting sucked and your ex-boyfriend doing better at deep-throating a banana than both of the gay guys in our class. What happens in the back of the bus stays in the back of the bus.

[text] I just caught two people fucking in a bathroom stall. At my church. While there was a sex addicts support group going on. Maybe I’m wrong, but this seems a little counterproductive.

[text] She climbed on top of me and made out with me and then yelled at me when I got a hard-on. Bitch, nachos turn me on.

[text] If she was stupid enough to believe that you’re a student at Harvard, she deserves what she gets if she dates you.

[text] She told me she’d flash me if I tried to be happy. I thought she was joking so I laughed. Best mistake of my life.

[text] Don’t worry, if we end up getting chased by a murderer, we’ll just split up. Whoever he runs after, sucks for them. That means you’ve got like, at least a 50% chance of survival if you come camping.

[text] She called me a fuck twit today. I’m counting it as progress.

[text] The Trojan Horse shoved itself through the city wall, broke open, released a ton of little guys into the city and ruined everyone’s day. Explain to me how Trojan seemed like a good name for a condom brand.

[text] If you listened to the voicemail you got from me about how much I love [insert name here] … I totally didn’t mean you. I definitely meant this other person I know.

[eliswoods-blog]

“ so at work this morning, this lady came in looking more hungover than the irish after motherfucking saint patty’s day.which, yeah was relatable and all, but i was taking her order, you know, since i actually was doing my job for once---but then all of the sudden she won’t stop looking at me in the eye, you know, and next thing you know her shirt’s about three inches lower and she’s fucking winking, wining. she looked old enough to be my mom. but that’s not the worst part. after that she leaned across the counter and whispered, remember me? right into my goddamn ear. i guess i met her last night--i guess that would explain the lilac hand sanitizer i found in my jacket this morning. “ 

[eliswoods-blog]

mun monday !! i look like, twelve years old but that’s cool ~ random ooc facts ab me under the read more xo

so yeah yeah yeah im charlie !! 

im a senior in high school so that’s yikes hlep

i play field hockey && run track but im also like the laziest person alive lol

i love dogs & food

shrek is my life i dont even care if that’s weird, have u ever heard all star

i have webbed toes nd can make a dolphin noise so that’s coolio 

i lovelovelove the office and parks and rec so if u ever wanna cry with me im so down 

my dogs name is MARLEY ok i love him omre than myself 

swag swag like caillou im out

also shit u can follow my rp blog rigginswrites or just hmu on aim charizaridk