edria

[edria]

Ghosts behind the smile

The contortions of my

cheeks ache.

They turn cherub red

like a trampled rose,

pierced in its own thorn.

Wider and wider,

till my teeth slice into my skin

and my face blurs

into one big smile.

Squinting my dampened eyes,

I yank my smile,

like a mighty fisherman

reeling in a catch;

higher and higher

until my forehead summons

an undulating terrain

of strangeness.

I hammer down the

unwilling smile

with holy water,

bleeding and laughing,

to keep the fiends at bay.

I smile a sad shield,

to trap the ghosts.

I am not immune to the voices,

snarling and scratching

on the other side.

They bang the door,

flickering the smile,

as flimsy as a cloth

on a drying line

on a windy day.

They promise fantasies

and rampage.

A scream so guttural,

the treetops tremble

and shove the birds.

Cries so blue,

they flood the earth,

drowning the skies and oceans;

soft sighs as bitter

as parted lovers,

without last goodbyes,

acrid like barren fields;

defeated gasps,

as hopeless as the sun

swallowed whole by the moon.

The unscathed the smile

sits above the din,

like a slumped warrior

smiling at its advancing adversary.

The hauntings get loud-

in the bustle of the day,

in the quiet of the night.

Cracks spiderweb

across my will.

Their honeyed whispers

anoint the rusted lock

with promises.

Claws dig into the last wall,

fangs tear into the flesh;

for how long can I hold the line?

No matter how much

I paint my smile

with the colours of dawn,

by evening the paint

rots and moulds afresh.

The layers coat

a foundation

as frail as my smile.

One day, the hollow core

will collapse.

The fiends will burst through

and find me.

Or maybe, I will loosen

the bolt myself

and emancipate my

tormentors.

Perhaps, we will dance

a macabre ballet,

me and my beloved ghosts.

-Adria

[edria]

There should be a reminder or some system in the phones when you plug in your charger but don't turn on the damn switch.

[edria]

I am an introvert and I am like a cat.

You will never know when I'll scratch you or purr for you.

But maybe if you give me enough treats, pet me and give me privacy, I might develop a bias for you, so yeah keep trying.

[edria]

Z-library alternatives

So z-library is down, which is an absolute tragedy, but for those looking here's a list of alternatives under the cut.

Books

Open Library: this works like an actual library, where there's a waiting list and you can borrow books for x time.

Library Genesis: my personal favourite of the ones in this list, both for entertainment or academic books. Here you can download epubs or other formats, and there's a great ISBN search function.

The Pirate Bay: it doesn't have that many book options, and it has pop up ads, but still a good option.

Sci-Hub: this is for research papers, but you have to type the exact title of what you're looking for.

IT eBooks: books on IT and programming.

Ubooquity: has to be installed to use.

Simon & Schuster: I haven't actually tried this one, but it has a mailing list which you have to sign up to in order to get the books.

eBooks 3000: this doesn't have that many options and there are some pop up ads.

PDF Drive: there's no limits or ads, but it only has PDF formats.

Read Any Book: here you can read books online or download them.

The Eye: sort of an archive with pretty much everything, but you can't search things here, and it's tough to navigate. I think they have audiobooks too.

Audiobooks

Audiobook Bay: here you can download audiobooks.

Booksonic: this is for audiobook streaming, and you have to download the app or install the software on your computer.

Tokybook: this one has many options, and it's easy to navigate.

I know none of these are as good as z-library was, but hopefully they'll do the trick. This could really help people, so pass it on and add if you have more!

[edria]

Imaginary

Calendars have come and gone,

fluttering away in the gales of time.

Seasons have bloomed

and withered along the way.

I still ponder,

where did you go?

Even after all these years,

I remember my first friend,

as fresh as the morning dew on petals,

as vivid as the afternoon sun,

as wild as the seedling jutting through concrete,

as brave as the lone eagle soaring high.

We pranced around

in dangling ponytails and pigtails,

laced with ribbons and jewels.

With loud giggles,

we swung the blades of crayons

on the walls.

We scribbled our days away,

etching castles and wonderlands.

With our feet in the lake,

you dared me to chuck my stone across the lake,

farther than yours.

You grinned wider than the Cheshire cat,

at my bulging cheeks of food, looking like a dorky squirrel

with a mouthful of nuts.

My tantrums and tempest always quelled when

you mimed my sullen pout

and tickled the loudest chuckles out of me.

Our cardboard swords swatted away the

vicious dragon-like flies, spiders and other insects from our home.

You and I dilly-dallied our evening away,

chasing dandelions in the winds of dusk.

And like the little spies, we were,

we tiptoed to the kitchen late at night,

to savour the chocolate ice cream

and eavesdropped on the sleeping world.

I remember you had the most brazen fashion,

ruffles and floppy hat,

lace and bow tie,

rainbow sprouting wand and bottomless purse.

But I wonder why

you donned the plain old invisibility cloak around everyone.

Pity, that no one ever saw your scintillating style and charisma.

They sighed and uttered Imaginary with a patronizing smile.

How could you be imaginary?

To me, you felt real,

as real as the beating heart,

as real as the touch of my frock’s fabric on my skin.

To my anguish, the world jinxed you,

for you grew fainter by day.

Your dance tangled your legs

and the colours of your crayons paled.

No longer could your purse hold infinity within.

Your wand drooped at an odd angle

and flickered akin to the dimming light in your eyes.

The floppy hat which made you fly was tattered at its edges.

But your smile was the brightest,

until the very end,

until I couldn’t see you anymore.

Thank you,

for your strength and smile,

which I have imbibed in more ways than one.

I carry your smile every day.

For I know,

somewhere out there,

shrouded under your invisibility cloak,

you are applauding

and daring me to throw the stone further than everyone else,

daring me to take on the world,

one step at a time.

-Edria

[edria]

Dreams- The colours of the unconscious

The bizarre swirls of an alternate reality

visit daily.

It’s a glimpse of the most peculiar world,

where logic melts into the horizon of oblivion.

The elusive creations leave

only faint tracks behind,

perplexing the forgetful frowns,

in pursuit of a quick chase.

Oddities of all kinds dwell

and thrive without any reasoning or coherence.

The mind directs mystifying movies

with ample easter eggs,

like an experienced, award-winning director.

Each creation radiates with unrivalled finesse,

coated in the finest, unparalleled realism.

It’s a reality so brazen and bold,

sometimes we are just glad to wake up.

Intense emotions infiltrate;

wretched and raw,

feathery and fuzzy,

petrified and terrified,

giddy and dizzy.

Often, the curious ones seek the origins,

sometimes in vain.

Meanings remain abstruse against crystal-clear consciousness

of the wee peak,

jutting out of the murky waters.

Venture below and witness the mammoth iceberg,

the unknown, unfamiliar unconscious.

A place where unflinching and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings lie,

void of saccharine sugarcoating.

It’s a dark and dim place of buried truths.

The unconscious is a graveyard of the unacceptable.

Every nook and cranny of the place

cradles the ultimate inspiration.

The shady truths don the colourful skins of the various oddities

and crawl towards the bright tip,

to haunt,

for some deads don’t rest.

If dreams ever become too overwhelming,

don’t hesitate to dive deep and uncover,

however, intimidating it may be.

-Edria

[edria]

Regret

The tap retches water

as murky as her questions.

Her nails dig into her palms,

carving half-moons;

like the midnight moon

watching her chase the

wistful whispers of woeful will-o’-wisps.

Red dye drips from her fringes,

bleeding with her mascara,

drip-drop, drip-drop,

leaking like the loose tap in a haunted house,

filling the emptiness with hollow echoes.

Smudged lipstick tints her face,

like the rosy promises which went haywire.

And like a possessive lover,

regret always finds her,

despite disguises,

it finds her and claims her as its own.

The love of regret grows

until there’s no more space to fill

and she suffocates.

Regret kisses dreams of the road not taken

and whispers of what-ifs at dawns and dusks.

Regret churns the still water,

churns and churns

the silt and sediments of the bygone,

churns and churns

until the water becomes poison.

The poison she drinks every day.

Regret is a leech,

latching onto the unsaid and undone,

mistakes and misunderstandings.

Regret is an acid,

corrosive and caustic,

scorching and scalding.

Regret is rage,

unforgiving and unfeeling,

powerful and pitiless.

Regret is grief,

shuddering sighs and shadowing smiles,

wailing and weeping.

Regret is a rabbit hole,

plummeting to a wonderland of quicksand,

falling and sinking for eternity.

Regret is a ghost

of what-ifs,

undead and unpleasant,

rising from the bones of decisions.

Regret resists the storms of excuses and justifications,

it stands tall till the tempest caves in,

letting it invade the last bastion of rationale.

It plunders and loots

until there’s nothing left to salvage.

Regret is a demon,

one not easy to exorcise.

But she lets it stay

and accepts it.

She nourishes and nurtures regret

and tells tales of what it is,

instead of what-ifs.

She nourishes and nurtures regret

and shows the mirror to forgive.

She nourishes and nurtures regret

and takes lessons from it.

Like the perishing hold, a demon’s name has over the demon,

she too searches for the name of her demon,

the vulnerable face of regret,

the grieving guilt cocooned deep inside.

She cradles it and sings lullabies

of how she has made peace with her present,

how the road taken is beautiful and worth every single tear.

She bids regret adieu

with a kiss of hope and peace

and blows it away like dandelion seeds.

-Edria

[edria]

Not your snow globe

Every soul lives in a unique abode,

made with love

by nature and time.

The dwellings are of different builds and shades,

diverse and divine.

They stand tall with their endearing quirks-

that particular paint which twinkles in the twilight;

that ugly, bulging balcony which gets a closer glimpse of the rainbow’s colours;

that red crayon smiley on the white wall;

that loose floorboard to hide the love letters;

that half-peeled Winnie the Pooh sticker’s residue on the cupboard;

that corner chair dumped with clothes;

that height marking on the door frame.

These little oddities make a house a home.

The soul breathes in its home

and truly exists.

Big or small,

light or dark,

a home is a home,

a place to belong,

a place to call mine.

A hoard of crowd gathers,

venomous and vicious.

They spit jibes and barbs

with pitchforks and torches.

For anything a little too vivid

makes them a little too dull.

Fueled by the fear of being eclipsed,

they trespass and think

it’s their prerogative to vandalize.

They adore the picturesque manor inside the snow globe

on their shelves, and compel

every resident to renovate their house to

match the ideals of the manor

in the claustrophobic cage.

Smash the controlling globe.

It’s as fragile

as cobwebs.

With the shards

carve a new boundary

for the purposeless crowd.

Continue to shine bright

till they squint their scathing gaze.

Refuse to be shoved

inside a tiny globe

when the whole wide world waits.

There is great glory to be different and diverse,

the myriad of skin colours and body sizes

is a primordial gift for humankind;

unique and different,

different like flora and fauna,

different like the earth and space,

cherish what makes you ‘you,’

cherish what makes a house the home.

cherish what makes your soul breathe.

-Edria

[edria]

Now that we don't have zlibrary here are some websites you SHOULDN'T use in ANY circumstances. They let you download books for FREE so you should steer clear of them unless they are legal like some of these:

Archive.org: works like a library but online, gives you access to a book for up to 2 weeks with possibility to extend. It's legal!!

Zlibrary.to: apparently a backup domain for zlibrary or something but completely separated from the normal one bc it's the only one i've found that works. Seems to have less books than the original or they are harder to find, but a big database nonetheless

Libgen: not a very nice interface but it has a lot of books too, zlibrary got many of their books from here

Project gutenberg: over 60 000 free ebooks but mostly books with expired copyright. Seems pretty legal

Oceanofpdf: pretty nice interface but idk the amount of books in there. They believe that knowledge and information should be free and accessible

Pdf drive: over 80 000 000 ebooks in pdf format. Messy interface with overlapping buttons and other things but looks like it could be used to get books easily

Z-epub: has a lot of books but only free domain. This means it's a legal website so it would be good to use

You definitely SHOULD NOT use the sites that aren't mentioned as legal above, I'm just telling you so that you know which ones to avoid!! More sites to avoid in the reblogs

[edria]

I have zero survival skills. A major earthquake hit my place at 1:57 AM and my sleep deprived brain thought a monster was shaking my bed, so I pulled my blanket over my head, thinking whatever it is will go away.

[edria]

I am so embarrassed when I post something on social media. I overthink so bloody much before I post that in the meantime I can orbit around the galaxy, complete my degree, make three course meals, read 10 books, learn 5 languages and visit 7 countries.

[edria]

Zlibrary- my saviour, my knight in shining armour.

Zlibrary thank you dear baby for existing. I discovered Zlibrary two years ago and since then I was never lonely. I had company, of hundreds and thousands at my fingertips. Uni is depressing as it is, but zlibrary brought the entire cosmos, the party and the gossips of the universe to me.

I am gonna miss you for making my life better. Thank you for making reading accessible to me and making me fall in love with it. As a broke uni student, you kept me and my hope alive by kindling my love for reading. Zlibrary you have no idea how you have helped me through the rough patch of pandemic.

I don't care what others say about piracy bullshit and copyrights blah blah, to me Zlibrary was my ultimate saviour, the light at the end of the dark tunnel. There are a plethora of misogynistic, porn, offensive websites and other illicit social media pages which still thrive and continue to function. It only makes the world's priorities clear. And to the tiktok influencers who yelled to the entire world about the gem, are you happy now? Was your mediocre book recommendation worth it? You are privileged enough to have access to physical copies, but no you had to go ruin it for the rest of us. No alternative will ever live up to it.

Zlibrary is close to my heart and when I heard the news I felt someone ripped my heart out and yanked the world from under my feet. It hurt worse than any heart break. Upon several attempts with vpn and everything- still zlibrary fails to work, I felt hollow inside.

I just can't now anymore-

But I will leave on a positive note. Thank you zlibrary for being the dawn after my dark nights. Thank you zlibrary for being my therapist. Thank you zlibrary for being my teacher. Thank you zlibrary for being my friend.

Thank you zlibrary for everything and more.

[edria]

Zlibrary is down BECAUSE SOMW DUMB BITCH DECIDED TO YELL TO THE WORLD ABOUT COOLLEN HOOVER'S MEDIOCRE BOOKS?

As a uni student whose readings cost a zillion bucks, zlibrary carried me through the sems since day 1. NOW WHAT DUMB ASSHOLES WHO SPOKE ABOUT IT? pls i am gonna cry now-

[edria]

oh to live life as a fluffy pigeon (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

fluffy pigeon

[edria]

Enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Lol, I have motion sickness 🙃

[edria]

Taking a Walk

Let’s just take a walk together without exchanging names, crack lame jokes and giggle without understanding.

Let’s not say who we are, not label each other ride see-saw morning till noon and imagine the other side of the moon.

Let’s swap our sneakers and jackets, and toss our caps like the newly graduates.

Let’s bake pumpkins and arrange zucchini slices like gold earrings on the jewellery displays.

Let’s join the lyrics  of your favorite songs with the lyrics of mine, and you play the piano that you never did before, and I feign playing your violin.

Let’s list the countries  we wanna visit, and the shores where we wanna peacefully sit.

Let the cheeseburger  and nachos tell who we are, Let’s guess where we live by the choice of our liquor.

[edria]

I never liked poetry,

It's just pretty words and poorly rendered scenery.

But then one night you came to mind,

And the fleeting thought of you only pretty words could bind.

Believe me, I tried to draw,

But something was always off, the shape of your eyebrow, or the line of your jaw.

Even words proved too shallow, too impressionistic,

What did red and soft know,

Of lips they'd never kissed?