dumb-ashl

[dumb-ashl]

CHANGES

I’ve went through change

Everyone does

But getting reminded of before the change hurts

It pains me but I say I’m fine

I act like the cold reminders don’t stab wounds into me

I act like I don’t miss them

Cause I forgotten them.

But the cold reminders of their existence follow me in way I can’t predict

Then the thoughts flood my brain like the floods that I experienced as a child

All the what ifs, all the things that could’ve went better

Sometimes I think I just am loosing myself

But I just say

“I’m fine”

[dumb-ashl]

UNNAMED

How can I cry over some so trivial?

It’s stupid yet here I am

Saying that I’m fine, it’s okay,

But yet here I am

Standing in my pool of silent tears.

[dumb-ashl]

BURDEN

I can’t seem to hold myself up all the time

I’m slowly slipping

I need to be able to stand on my own

I need to stay strong to not worry the ones I love

I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems

They say it’s ok but I don’t feel like it is

I hold it to myself

A bottle of my clustered thoughts

Pushing and pulling

But I keep the lid shut, hidden away

So I can only burden myself with this issue of mine.

[dumb-ashl]

ITS HAPPENING AGAIN

The dark corners of my room stare back

As my thighs burn and throb

My heart breaking

The voice telling me to

Like a drug

Addicted to the feeling and can’t get enough

The color red shows itself

The color I’ve been given by a friend

Wanting to run

But having no reason to

Wanting them to listen

But they won’t ever

Wanting to sleep

Just to never wake again

[dumb-ashl]

UNTITLED

I want to be truly happy

I want to do things that make me feel alive

Do things that I want to do

Explore new things

Talk to others 

But there's always that wave

You learn to swim but the current pulls you back

Away from your goal

Drowning you

Your in pain

In despair

And what does the wave say?

Nothing.

No apology

Just keeps drowning you

Till you cant swim anymore.

[dumb-ashl]

My eyes opened

Burry and tired

I look around to see

Nothing but darkness

Darkness of feelings

Emotions.

They scream into the room

Echoing through the walls like waves of a tsunami

Loud and screeching

Like in agony and pain

Sorrow and cries

Wanting to end it all

As I listen

I hear a familiar voice

-All the voices sound like my own

[dumb-ashl]

CAN I GO AND FORGET?

Back at the beginning

I didn’t think much of it

But every now and then I get reminded

The things I heard but couldn’t see

That person the our kitchen

Same place you swore and had suicide of your mind

You off somewhere I’ll find out soon

You slamming the door

Now I fear that feeling and sound

You yelling at her every night

Now I’m sensitive to yelling and screams

This place maybe wasn’t the best for you

But you made it worse for me.

[dumb-ashl]

DECEMBER POETRY

—-game by smittenbypoetry—-

.

.

The ice of the winter

Reflective of your blue shirt

The stars of mars

We walked threw the snowy night

Feeling the cold December winds

The moon lighting our way

The cars pacing on the tar

The melodies in near stores loud enough to be heard across the street

We hold hands as you smile

Looking at you how the moonlight compliments you

All the scars of the past have faded while I’m with you.

•. Ash .•

[dumb-ashl]

How do i help myself?

with this sadness i hold in my heart?

with this anger i feel?

How can i keep myself happy?

how the burden doesn't fall over me

with them piling their words on my back

pushing me down from the weight

from being pulled and pushed

from noting bring able to trust since its been broken to many times

from being blinded with manipulated 

-Does it ever stop?

[dumb-ashl]

Brain II

I would if

I’m just a pawn in someone’s life

If I could be replaced as easy as meeting one another

If they would all turn against me and look at me in disgust as I try to remember

What I did

Why I did it

Why I can’t remember

Why my mouth moves before my brain has a change to think for a moment

How I feel

If they could just peak inside and see what’s wrong with me

If I’m even fixable

If I’m just a broken mess waiting forever to be clean & cleansed

While my brain wonders into a farming that will take more to get out than falling in.

Dark.

I want someone to be there and help me from this tiredness

This feeling of drifting off and never going back.

[dumb-ashl]

HATRED

I hate the mirrors In my house

Them staring back at what should be me

Them showing me what I think I look like

Looking like someone I don’t want to

Looking like that person who caused me the pain in my life I want to make into a ball and throw it away somewhere where no one can dig it up

Looking like them with hair up just like they did it

Even with it down

How my face is shaped

Will never escape me

[dumb-ashl]

LOVED

I want to feel loved

I want people to care about me

And how I’m doing mentally

For me to trust their words easier than I can

-It get harder to trust when it’s been broken to many times

[dumb-ashl]

NIGHT

I often enjoy the night

The moon shines down

Lighting wherever it goes

The stars

The quiet of the night

No one asking me for anything

I’m alone with only myself

It’s supposed to be peaceful

But I get a wave of sadness

That just won’t go away

When the sun fades and the dark rises

Rising is also a depression that I got at a young age

I never knew why it happens

I told myself “nothing is wrong with me”

Why was I feeling that way?

It just goes away in the morning

The night it repeats

And repeats

Not knowing the reason.

[dumb-ashl]

OBLIVIOUS

I wish I could go back

Help them who I’ve been oblivious too

To realize what was wrong soon enough

To help them not go through the pain they did

To look

And not being obvious

To say something

Be strong and help them

When it wasn’t right

So they could maybe be happier

Without that moment

Without those times

But dumb me let it happen

Sitting right there

Not paying attention but it’s happening

Only if I could go back and look up to see.

[dumb-ashl]

HIDING

I sit in my room

With my brain dreading something to think

Wanting to go out

Wanting to finally get along with her

Wanting to hangout with them

But my brain knows

It knows I want to stay in here

Not go out

Because of my fear of doing something wrong

Saying something stupid

Them looking

Looming over me

That look I see so often

So I say

I can’t

Even tho I know I can

This brain of mine

Telling me the worst

Taking over me

So I hide here

I am sick of hiding but don’t have the strength to escape and do something

I’m weaker than it.

[dumb-ashl]

HOW DO I?

One day

Someone died inside of me

Is it my longing for affection?

Is it my need for them to say those words

“I’m proud of you”

Is it my will to look for a reason

To stay?

Is it my need to tell people

Who I am?

The little girl

Who died inside of me

Now is a person

Who people would reject

Who people would burn me

Who people would do things if I told them

Now is a person

Who doesn’t feel they fit on this earth

An outcast among their peers

Who doesn’t know how to cry

They’ve forgotten how to let it out

Feeling the sadness properly

They’ve been told it’s good to let emotions out when you feel them

But what then when their parents told them to shove it down deep

To never show vulnerability

[dumb-ashl]

POKER FACES

Younger me

Thought all adults were nice

Thought all siblings and older people around me were nice

But younger me didn’t know

It was just poker faces

Being older now

Younger me had no clue of the world

Not a silly fantasy

Cruel people of the world

People who will like

Thinking they have you in the palm of your hands

That your so naive to believe their tricks

Hearing them spit out words that mean nothing

But lies

They may be kind if front of you

But then later hearing them fight

Then later acting

With their poker face

But you go along with it

Act along

I hear everything for myself and from others anyways

Guess I have a poker face too.