digitallint

[digitallint]

re-sobering: an update

I posted that last update and seem to have completely forgotten about Tumblr. I’m sorry. Since that post, I actually got myself FOR REAL sober. Like...I attend meetings, sober. Yesterday was 22 months of continual sobriety. It was, indeed, the thing that needed to change in order to right everything else in my life. I can say it without a doubt, sobriety was the ultimate chiropractic adjustment to my soul. I am just out here doing it one day at a time, but I am not alone. I am never alone because of the fellowship in recovery. 

I am still an avid runner, and it has become a key part of my recovery and overall general well-being and mental health. In tandem, my recovery program and fitness are so powerful. 

[digitallint]

re-sobering, day 1

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that more focus on running and fitness leads to a serious internal debate about alcohol consumption. For years, a decade, really, I focused on a low-carb lifestyle, and lost over 50 pounds. My original intent was to lose the weight, then transition back into running and return to “normal” nutrition. Along the way, I realized I quite liked the low-carb menu and the incredible physiological and psychological benefits. My weight came off and stayed off, my mood was dramatically enhanced and I could eat and drink lots of things I loved. Consuming clear alcohol beverages like vodka or rum with a no carb mixer like soda water was zero carbs and all the intoxicating fun. 

About a year ago, I became rededicated to running, and ran headlong into a major nutritional dilemma: you cannot run long distances efficiently while low-carbing. You absolutely need fuel stored and ready to go, which is exactly what ketosis counteracts. In the state of ketosis, your body has used all stored glycogen, and has started to convert stored fat into energy. While you CAN do aerobic exercise like running, it feels like much more of a struggle, at least to me. So, you’ve got to figure out a way to fuel for runs without packing on weight. 

And then there is the issue of alcohol. While low-carbing, drinking vodka sodas was no problem. What I failed to realize was when one transitions out of ketosis, those alcohol calories suddenly matter very much. And, while sitting around day after day in quarantine, it was easy to put away a staggering amount of booze.

So, here I am running five or six days a week, averaging at least three miles a run, and I am not even losing a pound. I started logging my food and drink in an app, and the data, in black and white, made it absolutely clear: alcohol was accounting for hundreds of empty calories every single day. 

It’s time to stop drinking.

This time around, I am enlisting help from several new digital tools available. I am hopeful that having the additional support and resources will help me be successful. I am dreading the withdrawal headaches I experienced last time, but maybe I’ll get lucky this time around. I have also considered consuming a small amount of alcohol if that happens as a way to wean off without the severe physical pain of the headaches. Last time, I went over two weeks without much relief, and am not eager to revisit that. 

I am feeling hopeful, positive and a little trepidation today. 

In any case, here we go.

[digitallint]

fight or flight?

What would you do? Say you’d been in your job for about five years, and you’re feeling a bit...antsy...bored...unfulfilled. What’s next, and how do you figure that out? In my situation, I’m enjoying a very comfortable financial package that allows me and my partner to live relatively worry-free about money. With the exception of our mortgage and our car payments, we have very little debt. To be clear, I have no debt, he has a student loan he’s paying down, but not for long. We carry no credit card debt, and have started to create a decent amount of retirement and savings. Here’s my issue: I really am starting to hate my job. What started out as exciting, challenging and fulfilling has become just a job. I am nearing the point where I just resent it. I’ve been here before and I know what to do. But, I ask you...fight for it, or find something else? Besides the obvious financial upside, there is little reason to think I would progress any further in the company, so what do I do? Stay or flee?

There is another thing I haven’t told you. I have major wanderlust. I want one of those jobs where you clock out and don’t even THINK about it until you clock back in. In reality, how many of us can actually achieve that? I think I have a solution that suits me, but I am curious...what would you do?

xoxo,

me

[digitallint]

I’ve been standing right here, invisible.

A long time since we’ve spoken, you and I. It seems like I ventured off into the ether, but I’ve been here, silent, paying attention to other things.

Imagined crises. 

Confused priorities.

Being tired.

Needing something to be next.

Exhaling. Turning toward the sun.

[digitallint]

strawberry jam

Ugh. Still with the headaches. Thank goodness for Smuckers Natural strawberry jam. I keep thinking they should be dwindling by now, but they keep popping up. Easy enough to manage, but oh so annoying. On the positive side, I am on day 19 without alcohol. It feels like about a year or so, but each day gained is golden. Feeling introspective, grateful and hopeful. Peace and love. 

[digitallint]

some days in...things I realize

I passed the two week mark on Sunday. First things first, I think about alcohol every single day. It’s not overwhelming, but it’s in the background. I think about the withdrawal symptoms I’ve experienced, and it makes it easier to say “fuck off” to booze. Still, there’s the cozy, romantic vision of enjoying a cocktail and letting that intoxicating buzz take over. So, sober today, and counting the days as they pass. I’ve noticed that I am dealing with stress and anxiety better. I am not quick to anger. Things remain in clear perspective. Sleep is much better. I deal with each day as it comes, and I do not waste time worrying about what has been, nor what is to come. I am grateful every day for my clarity, health and sobriety. I am thankful to those who support and are patient with me. I am learning to be patient with myself.

[digitallint]

Am I?

Am I sober, or just alcohol-free?

[digitallint]

sobering

Oh hi. 

I’m on day eleven here. Feeling pretty good, and getting used to not having evening alcohol. I still use the word “cocktails” for the drinks I have in the evening: soda water, Powerade Zero or Sparkling Ice. I am feeling good and sleeping better. Still having some issues with headaches, but have become more adept at managing those with carbs or sugar. The best and fastest trick really is a small spoonful of strawberry or raspberry jam. Boom! Headache GONE. Also, since I try to limit sugars and carbs, I’ve found that KIND bars also do the trick without overloading the system with refined sugars and other junk. 

[digitallint]

Sobriety vs Low Carb

Unexpected conflict. Getting headaches from alcohol withdrawal which can be mitigated by consuming some sugar - which I don't eat. Settled on a small spoonful of strawberry jam which worked within seconds but cost me about 12g of carbs (I eat 20-30 carbs per day). Competing objectives. Still, it's worth it.

**UPDATE**

I researched it and found out that the brain goes through some crazy stuff, and that the headaches are normal. And yes, sugar helps. Something to do with the brain dealing with the absence of alcohol sugars. Anyhow, I am appropriately stocked up on some fresh fruits, Kind Bars (lower carb bars) and some Cheez-Its - which fill the carb gap if needed.

So complicated.

[digitallint]

Brain battle

Part of my brain says, "I wonder how long this sobiety thing will last?" while another part says, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

[digitallint]

Just today

If I can just make it through today. One more day to add to the small, but growing, pile of sober days. Amen.

[digitallint]

Friday

I greeted the day with a small pinprick of a headache that wouldn’t go away. It persisted through two espressos, water and my morning protein shake. Is this headache thing normal? I haven’t had a drink in 5 days and wondered if it’s connected. Finally, I ate some lunch and the headache disappeared. Pushed through the rest of the day and finished strong with a visit to the gym. At home now, and it’s my first Friday without alcohol. Feeling okay for now. Drinking my favorite soda water and watching tv. 

[digitallint]

onward

Finishing up another day here without a drink. I feel pretty good. I have more clarity around my choices about using. I deceived myself into thinking I didn’t have a problem, but the way I think about alcohol is a problem. I see that today. I always saw it as a treat - something to look forward to. Eventually, it became the only thing I was looking forward to at the end of the day. That seems pretty telling to me. A very good reason to stop. I don’t think drinking gets better, does it? It just gets worse. If I am on a downward trajectory and I have the ability to get off, turn around and change, then that’s what I want to do.

[digitallint]

Hi from Day 3

Hanging in there, like that kitten on that poster. Feeling level - not craving too much. I am definitely okay for right now. And for today. Feeling better and better. It’s the social pressure that I worry about, but keeping myself safe from that for now. I will confront that later when I am feeling stronger. For now, content where I am. I breathe in, I breathe out.

[digitallint]

step one

Made it through my second day without alcohol. Feeling good, calm and even. Thankful.

[digitallint]

I am a runner, again.

It feels weird to think the words, let alone say them, but I am a runner, again. I first started running at the end of Middle School in an act of outright copy-cattery of my sister. She was on the cross country team, and I needed to do some of the exact same things she did. Not because I didn't have my own identity - but because she showed me that it was okay to try new things and push myself. Sometimes you just need to follow in the footsteps of your braver, cooler big sister. Running wasn't the only thing we shared. She studied Spanish and lived abroad in an exchange student program, so I signed right up to go live with a family in Spain for a few weeks. We had running and foreign languages in common, and by the time she went off to college, we were closer than we had ever been as siblings growing up in the same household.

I ran cross country in high school while she was on her college team. Sometimes, we'd even end up at the same invitationals, at least I think we did. I'm pretty sure. At least I know I saw her compete sometimes, and sometimes she saw me. The thing was, I was not a fast runner. I was, and have always been, slow and steady. I was also never one of those people who had cartoon hearts explode over their head at the thought of dragging myself out of a perfectly warm bed to go out in the darkness and run some ridiculous number of miles all in the name of training. I did it begrudgingly. I did it in spite of myself. I just kept doing it.

Our training was daily from July through the end of the season - sometime in November, I think. We ran rain, shine and even in the snow. Yes, in flimsy onion skin shorts we dashed through the woods like frightened and very cold rabbits, racing to the finish line to get back on the bus and put on sweatsuits and parkas. We ran 5 milers, 9 milers and even one 13 miler toward the end of the season so that we would "peak" just before Regionals. We'd easily put down thirty miles or more each week. Endless hours on that lonely pavement trained me to imagine and to not give up. Nothing feels quite like the end of a run, racing or not. Coming into the final turn or final stretch is a shot of joy and relief and exhilaration.

When I ran back then, my imagination went wild and kept me entertained on this long, boring, never-ending, oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-I'm-running-this-far, where the Hell am I now kind of runs. Where I lived, you could find yourself in the middle of nowhere in no time flat. I often did. It was during those runs way out on Haskins or Stafford Road, that the imagination would kick in along with the endorphins, and I would think up scenarios like running in a marathon at the Olympics, or coming in first in one of our high school meets - something not very likely with my roughly 8 minute mile. Still, I kept at it. I ran all the way through my junior year. I stopped during my senior year because of other extracurricular conflicts, but to be completely honest, I was ready to stop running. 

Fast forward almost three decades. My company decided to register any willing participants in the Walt Disney World Half Marathon, and it would be a part of our health and wellness initiative. In a flash of stupid, I said yes and signed up. This was no small financial commitment, the company paid $750 for each of us to run in support of Covenant House. There would be no backing out, no excuses. This was going to happen, and I had better start running. This thing was, I wasn't sure I could really do it. Three decades does a lot to a body, and I was nowhere near the lean running physique I had in 1989. 

I tried running down my street and back. Just over a mile. I was heaving for air within the first 100 yards. This was going to be very hard. And boring. And require discipline. Ugh! Why did I do this?!? It didn't get much easier as the half marathon approached. I gave into the idea that I would show up and do the best I could, and that there was no shame in that. I had committed to this, and I was going to show up. 

I didn't realize that it wasn't enough that we were going to run 13.1 miles, we were also going to get up at 3 in the morning to gather and go over to the starting corrals together - a process that would take an hour or so. We were in our corral way in the back in the darkness with thousands of other runners waiting for our heat. There was a full hour of other corrals and heats starting by the time it was our turn. Some of the serious front runners were halfway through by the time we stepped up to the starting line. This was going to be a very long morning.

I am an enormous fan of Walt Disney World. That fact may be the thing that saved me for 13.1 miles. While I was not alone - there were lots of other runners and walkers around me the entire course, I was by myself - not running with coworkers or friends. Each mile, Disney provided some entertainment or distraction. At mile three, there was an entire pirate ship and the whole costumed gang from Pirates of the Caribbean. At one point, I don't recall which mile marker, I ran past Tigger and Winnie the Pooh. Sorry guys, no time for a photo - I am running a half marathon here. Wait. I AM running a half marathon here. At mile 8, there was the entire Reedy Creek Fire Department and a DJ spinning high energy remixes - something that helps propel any runner just a little bit further. Miles 9, 10 and 11 involved some run-walking and pacing to just try to get to the end, and as the numbers ticked by, I realized I might make it after all. I lost it rounding the turn into mile 12. I just knew I was going to do it, and the emotion welled-up inside me as I pushed to keep running through the backstage pathways at EPCOT. I knew I was close to the end. The glorious end was in the parking lot somewhere, and I was going to make it. I could almost hear a gospel choir singing the affirmation. As I came around the backside of Spaceship Earth, and back into the backstage area, there actually was a full gospel choir. We were all going to make it, just a few tenths of a mile left to go. I remember seeing the 13 mile marker as I dragged by slowly, certain my shoes had become anvils. The last tenth of a mile seemed like a struggle, but the finish line banner and cheering crowd kept me going. Finally, finish line crossed, I made up my mind to never do that again. Once was enough. I ran a half marathon. It was slow and not very pretty, but I finished, and now all of this running nonsense was finished, too.

That was January. I started running again in May. At first, just a couple of slow miles to kick myself back into fitness mode. Run a mile or two. Do the elliptical for a mile or two. Maybe go to spin class. Then, I was running 3 to 4 miles and focusing on that. Giving myself permission to be the runner I am. A slow one with terrible form and questionable stamina. I gave myself permission to do it my own way and in my own time. Running is great for personal goal setting. You can push yourself to be faster, run longer or go more miles. Every run is a win.

This week, I've been running 6 milers with about a half mile of warm up and cool down on either side. I'm not training for anything in particular, but I want to be ready if someone, maybe me, gets the great idea to sign up for another half marathon this year. I like the renewed sense of accomplishment every time I finish a run. I like feeling more fit and vital. Most of all, when I run, it has the power to take me all the way back to Haskins Road, down Stafford to Munn and back - when it was just me, my imagination and the long, dusty road ahead. 

I am a runner.

[digitallint]

The tiniest thing

Pondering the ebb and flow of friends in my life. There seems to be an equilibrium to these things. I've made decisions to not continue certain relationships, and I've also been on the other side of that, too. I understand the questions my actions have created, and they are questions that go unanswered. And these are the same questions which bump around my head and heart about friends who have distanced themselves from me. Sometime I wish to receive the tiniest gesture or glimpse into something that is no longer mine. I do understand it, though. Sometimes you have to make the difficult choice to weed people from your life, reconstruct your relationships and, in some cases, walk away completely. There are some people I genuinely miss, and some that give me no pause. It's a difficult thing, and we should give ourselves permission to do it. We should also give ourselves permission to recover, evolve and forgive.