diaryofadeity

[diaryofadeity]

There's definitely something going on with me and psychopomps. It's so hard to tell if it's a kintype or a spiritual thing or a part of my deity life or what. But there's a very strong longing towards death related imagery, skulls, spirits, stuff like that.

And sometimes I get these visions. When I am walking late at night or am near the woods, it's accompanied with a certain feeling I cannot place at all. I guess some kind of nogstalgia but I really do not know. The visions are of a house in the woods, away from others, with a lot of Gothic and satanic imagery. And it feels like home. And it's so strong. It feels like a memory, but I have never been to that place, at least not that I can remember. But it also couldn't have been a past life. I don't know what it is. But I know it is linked to whatever I have going on with psychopomps and death.

I am also terrified of graveyards. Always have been. I sense death very well, and I sense spirits too. Graveyards overwhelm me. So many angry spirits. And it feels like they do not want me there. Which I am gonna respect because message received holy shit.

I also get extremely uncomfortable when people touch gravestones. Especially if they touch the inside of the letters to clean them or smth. It gives me a visceral reaction. The same reaction I get with anything involving eyes. Flinching and barely being able to watch. God even thinking about it makes me so uncomfortable.

It really seems like there is something that I am this close to figuring out, and as soon as I have it figured out I'll judge the hell out of myself for it taking so long. But right now, I am clueless what it could be.

[diaryofadeity]

For this Disability Pride Month, I saw a post that was shittybad and it made me angry. So have this

[diaryofadeity]

Arguing with sysmeds is genuinely some of the most mind numbing discourse you could ever get into. "But endos aren't recognized by science!!" Fam neither was plurality in general till very recently and in many places it's still not recognized. Also endo systems are most definitely recognized by science, even by the icd-11. "You must have trauma but are not remembering it", please keep your armchair psychology to yourself I am not interested. Also I remember my trauma I just know it wasn't what caused my plurality. "You're pretending to have DID" I am litterally fucking not. "How do you know your trauma didn't cause your plurality" that's none of your business.

Like come on people, would you act like this off the internet as well?

[diaryofadeity]

There is something so special about listening to your teenage playlist. Like goddamn I was on the brink of suicide but it sure did give me an awesome music taste.

On a more serious note. It's very bittersweet nogstalgia. Because yes it was a time where I was constantly fighting to stay alive, but it was also a time where I discovered so much about myself. My first ever relationship, so many past life memories, I was really learning who I am in this world. I miss that, but I definitely don't miss the depression and the stress. I would never choose to be 14 again, but I am very glad that year happened.

[diaryofadeity]

An expirience about being paleokin that I don't see talked about enough is seeing paleo art of your species or one you very strongly remember and it just being so wrong. Like no direwolves did not have short fur. We have a thick long coat. We're ice age animals after all. Also Sabre tooths had big feet. I hope at least the new baby Sabre tooth will help people get that right.

[diaryofadeity]

The hardest thing to deal with as a deity is knowing that no matter how much I want to. I cannot help everyone anymore the way I used to be able to. And the realization that sometimes the best I can do is just listen and support. I wish I could solve everyone's issues, or at least be as good at solving issues as I used to be. But I am just not anymore. I don't have any magic powers. I cannot teleport, I cannot make things appear out of thin air or heal wounds telepathically. All I can really do is tell people I am here for them

[diaryofadeity]

I've been questioning for a while if I might be a psychopomp or other kind of death related being.

From a very early age death has been one of my biggest obsessions. Right alongside fire and wolves. As a kid I would often ask about death to my parents, make ghost characters, I would worship the death almost like gods. It was just a topic that was on my mind a lot. (Side note, I feel like my parents should've been a bit more concerned about that than they were.) Now that I am an adult that hasn't really left me. It took a backburner for a while because I was focusing so hard on my firegod identity, but it never went away. And I really think there is something more there. I just don't know what it is.