deviantplum

[deviantplum]

Hey baby, are you a Christmas tree?

Because you look great after I top you.

[deviantplum]

Breaking News: Santa has been indicted on charges of falsifying the Naughty list after reportedly taking bribes from the coal industry.

Santa's lawyer declined to comment, but sources close to Santa, who wish to remain anonymous, have revealed that he has accepted upwards of 60 million cookies & 8 million gallons of milk from coal representatives this year.

[deviantplum]

I spend all Winter writing love letters to the sun, but by summertime I'm reminded that it is a toxic situationship. I know I'm gonna get burned.

[deviantplum]

If you're trying to get dates, stop trying to have chiseled abs, and start trying to be the goofiest creature in a five mile radius. I promise you, this is both more attainable and more effective.

[deviantplum]

Did you like it? (did I do good?)

Did it taste good? (did I do good??)

Do you want me to make this again? (did I do good?? did I do good?? did I do good?? did I do)

Dating me is 90% hugging me while I have an emotional breakdown and 10% eating the stuff I've cooked for you, while I stare at you with the wide eyed, pleading expression of a nervous dog.

[deviantplum]

Dating me is 90% hugging me while I have an emotional breakdown and 10% eating the stuff I've cooked for you, while I stare at you with the wide eyed, pleading expression of a nervous dog.

[deviantplum]

"the longest night of the year" uh huh ok and what good is it if I don't spend it getting accustomed to my new Cursed Existence??

If a hot vamp doesn't kidnap me on the night of the winter solstice, what even is the point?

[deviantplum]

If a hot vamp doesn't kidnap me on the night of the winter solstice, what even is the point?

[deviantplum]

Oh so when you put up a nativity scene it's "festive" and "a religious celebration" but when I beseech an Ancient God to choose me as their acolyte and become one with my flesh I'm "making a scene" and "dooming humanity."

[deviantplum]

I'd be a regular pal tergeist

If I was a poltergeist, I would reverse haunt you. I'd find all your lost objects and put them in obvious places. And close all the drawers and cabinets that you forgot to close.

And make soothing noises at night. Which tbh would probably still be deeply unsettling, but you'd know I was trying to help is the point.

[deviantplum]

If I was a poltergeist, I would reverse haunt you. I'd find all your lost objects and put them in obvious places. And close all the drawers and cabinets that you forgot to close.

And make soothing noises at night. Which tbh would probably still be deeply unsettling, but you'd know I was trying to help is the point.

[deviantplum]

Make Christmas Morning extra special, by forcing your children to perform in Squid Game style trials in order to earn their gifts.

Tell them the Elf spy was not impressed with their efforts & needs to see them fight for glory.

[deviantplum]

Genies are just Paranormal Wish: Their labor is coerced and the product you get is never what you're expecting

Me: Listen, if you take advantage of an obviously exploitative system, you can't expect me to feel sorry for you when you get scammed.

Them: So you're not going to help me undo the Genie's curse??

Me: Ok well first of all, you wished to be a "chick magnet" and now chickens are magnetically attracted to you, so it seems totally unfair to call that obvious adherence to technical accuracy a "curse." But second of all no.

[deviantplum]

Me: Listen, if you take advantage of an obviously exploitative system, you can't expect me to feel sorry for you when you get scammed.

Them: So you're not going to help me undo the Genie's curse??

Me: Ok well first of all, you wished to be a "chick magnet" and now chickens are magnetically attracted to you, so it seems totally unfair to call that obvious adherence to technical accuracy a "curse." But second of all no.

[deviantplum]

Ok, just bear with me here. So "Dear God" right? Becomes "Deer God" out loud, ok? So what if, what IF, the true form of God is really Rudolph.

Think about it! Is his story not also one of sacrifice? Of suffering for his fellow man (reindeer)? Also, much like Jesus, he's Jewish.

[deviantplum]

"Backrooms Style" is when they enter you, and their junk gets trapped in the endless pocket dimension inside your body cavity.

[deviantplum]

If you're in the mood to ruin Christmas with Uncomfortable Truths but the host said No Politics™, just share these fun animal facts:

Elephants have a prehensile phallus

A duck's is a corkscrew

A snake has two

An echidna's has four heads

Female spotted hyenas have a bigger one than the males & they give birth through it

Guaranteed to start some interesting discussions and encourage the host to reconsider which topics are really "inappropriate" for dinner conversations.