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deev00 · 3 years

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So now here we are, January 2022. He's in another relationship right now. Things seem to be going pretty good for him, I mean after all he did take his girlfriend to meet his parents on Christmas. I can't tell you how much that really hurt to hear. But I knew. I could feel it. I still can feel his energy. I know that he's happy now with this girlfriend. And I'm happy for him. It hurts watching him be with somebody else but I have no choice. He doesn't really talk to me anymore. We have gotten into a few fights over things. He has also continued to tell me things that have given me hope that if I continuously stay sober that anything is possible in the future. I hold on to the little pieces of hope that he gives me. I hold on to everything that he says because it sticks with me. Because I've never yearned for something so bad in my life. I miss the life that we have. I miss the love. I miss the feeling of euphoria every single day. I miss the contentment in life. I miss waking up to someone that you love. I miss the affection. I miss making love. I miss everything about our relationship possible. We were lucky. You don't feel the butterflies for years. You don't get that sense of pure euphoria unless you are really lucky and you find someone super special. That is why I believe Nick is my soulmate. While he is with someone else right now, all I can do is hope that he found the same type of connection and love. Of course part of me is selfish and hopes that one day he comes back but that is just me trying to get through another day. My internal instinct and gut and soul tell me that one day we will be back together but I also don't know if that's just me being indenial.

He has told me several times that if I stayed sober for at least a year then anything is possible. He's told me that several times but I've had trouble staying sober off and on. I can go like 2-3 weeks sober most of the time but then I relapse. I am trying hard though but for myself. I realize now that the only reason wine it tells me those things is because he wants me to get better, not because he actually means it. Most recently he told me that I wasn't a fool for holding onto hope for us and that was a few weeks ago. I realized that I was just being stupid and I confronted him. He told me that he was sorry and that he thought that I wanted hope but that is best we shouldn't talk anymore. He said he didn't want to be friends with me and that there was too much heartache.

So now here I am... everyday is so difficult. I cry every single day. I feel so empty. I miss my husband. I miss our lives. People say that if we ever got back together that it wouldn't be the same and I wouldn't want it to be the same. Our lives had some issues that needed to be addressed that we didn't discuss. Now everything's out in the open and even though a bunch of stuff has happened I don't think that it's impossible to move on from trauma like this. I think that if you truly love each other then you can put the past and the past and move forward and create a better future knowing what you went through in the past. But that's just me being hopeful. It's not that I want Nick to break up with his girlfriend because if he's happy and she is the one and she really is his soulmate and makes him happier than I used to, then why would I want that to go away for him? I am selfish in many ways but I am not that selfish.

I'll be honest with you, I used to not want him to be happy because I was mad at him for not giving me a real chance to rebuild our relationship. I feel like I did mess up a lot and I mean I know I did but I feel like he didn't give me a real opportunity to get sober. Why couldn't he help me instead of ignoring me when I needed him the most? I do think about those things and I forgive him completely! There are things that I still get mad about when I drink that I bring up which I shouldn't but, I mean I shouldn't drink anyhow, But I bring up things that I shouldn't because I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he's with someone else. A very ugly side of me comes out when I drink. I act very jealous. And I admit that I am jealous but not in the sense that you would think. I have no idea what his girlfriend looks like. I have no idea what she does. I know nothing about her. I don't even know her name. I'm jealous that she gets to spend time with him and be with him. I'm jealous that she has an opportunity to build a life with him and now I'm out of the question.

I wish that I could say that I felt some sort of happiness and that I was content in life. But I'm not. I lost the person that I loved the most. It feels like I'm grieving death. I don't understand why he couldn't look past the things I've done but I can at the same time. He said he just fell out of love with me. It's not that he doesn't forgive me it's just that he views me differently.

I never doubted though that if he gave me at least two weeks of time with him that he would see all the changes that I've made within myself. I've set myself back so many times drinking but at the same time I'm not really sure. Although he says that was all he wanted after the divorce was for me to get sober and for us to rebuild our relationship I'm not 100% sure if that's true or if he was just gaslighting me. But I was so certain of myself that if he saw me and spent time with me at this point then he would change his mind. I know that I could give him a good life but he can't see that. He's scared. I'll never fully understand why he has continued to lead me on. Some people say because he likes the attention. One of my cousins who is very insightful told me that he thinks it's because he hasn't let go either and that he's still loves me but he's just stringing me along because he just doesn't know how to let go himself. That was my instinct. I don't think he is completely content in his relationship still. Like he is probably happy, things are probably going good, I wouldn't doubt it. But I'm sure that he seen that it's just different. I just wish that he could see that I would never hurt him again and that anyone can hurt you. Maybe it's easier for him to rebuild with someone new. I don't understand how that's easier but okay... I'm not really sure anymore. All I know is that I'm still not over him. I don't know that I'll ever be. All I can do is keep looking forward to the following day in hopes that it's better. I started a new antidepressant for the millionth time. I'm hoping that I can get over this pain because I can't do it anymore. I'm holding on to hope that likely isn't there. But I'm going to do what my gut tells me to... and I'm going to continue to work on myself and stay sober. I'm going to let fate do it's thing.

Does the pain ever go away? Do you ever stop missing someone? Everyone says to just move on and let go of the past but it's hard to let go of the past when it was so good. Create a better future, someone said...I'm trying. But it's hard. I don't want to be in another relationship because at this point I know that I'll be settling. I want to find true love. I know it's possible to have love at first sight because I experienced that with Nick. Nick told me that the butterflies and sparks can last for a month or two but that's really it. But what we had was not like that. So I'm not really sure I think he's just trying to convince himself because he knows that what we had was one of the kind. I do not doubt in my mind not over time with his current relationship that it will fizzle out. I don't want that for him but that's what my gut says. I have my timelines. And if what I think ends up being correct, I am going to know that there is something way more to us than there already is.

I wish that Nick knew how much he meant to me. I wish that he knew that I would do anything for him. I think he does but he just doesn't love me anymore. I wish that that sinking feeling in my stomach and chest would go away. I wish that I could get by a single day without thinking about him constantly and having flashbacks of our life. It's not easy. No day is. Everyone said that it would get better but it hasn't gotten better. I'm still too depressed to get myself to do anything really. I got out and I tried to date a bunch just to occupy my time and secretly hoping that I would find someone that I loved. That I would have that ultimate spark with. But it's yet to happen. 17 different guys I dated. 17. Not any stood out and made me feel anything at all.

Sometimes I do get scared that Nick will end up in a relationship with this girl forever. But my better half knows that he isn't over me... As much as he wants to claim he is. He isn't. He wouldn't still talk to me otherwise. We would have changed his phone number by now. Everything would be completely cut off. But he still cares about me. He may not be in love with me right now... he may have a girlfriend.... but he wants company. I don't doubt that they get along. I'm sure he is having fun. He doesn't want to be alone. And who can blame him?

I can't wait until like at least 6 months passes and I've been sober. When I have my life much more together, mentally. He is going to see me shine so bright. I know that once he sees me at my best then everything will change. And if it doesn't, Well then I'm wrong... But I'm going to chase my dreams. My dreams are to spend my life with Nick.

#lost lovers #i miss him #sadgirl #heartbreak #heart ache #hope #journal #journey #story of my life #soberliving #lost souls

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deev00 · 3 years

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The day that I got out of the rehabilitation center all I could think about was how excited I was to get home and to see Nick and our dog Nugget. I figured that we would work things out and everything was going to be okay. I was going to stay sober and I was going to change. But when I got home I had a fear of what was about to come.

When I arrived I went to the door and entered in the passcode and it was changed. I went to go unlock the door and the locks had been changed. I've already gone through this before one time with Nick. Except it was when he cheated on me. So I kind of expected it. I just was hoping that it would be different. He opened up the door and told me that I was not welcome there. I tried to plead with him and get him to talk but he didn't want to talk to me. He had this look in his eyes that I had never seen. He looked as though he wanted to kill me and he had so much hate in his heart I knew that there was nothing that I could do to talk him into letting me stay home and working things out.

I cried and I begged and I just wanted him to talk to me and he wouldn't. He then pulled out a restraining order and handed it to me. I couldn't believe what was happening but yet I could at the same time. My heart was so broken. I couldn't even grasp my breath. I read through the protection order and it was all lies. He made up all these lies about me to get me out of the house. Not one of the statements that he made was true. He brought up things from 2011 from when he cheated on me and he made me out to be the bad guy. I was devastated. He openly admitted that he lied about everything in the protection order in order to get me out of the house. I remember we ended up getting into an argument and the police ended up getting involved. I wasn't allowed to go back home. I wasn't allowed to talk to Nick. I stayed at my sister's house and the next several weeks were just pure chaos. I felt so low. So broken. So stupid. I felt so dumb. I couldn't believe that I put my life in this situation. I need that Nick was never coming back at that point. I had a glimpse of hope but the look in his eyes that day were look that I had never seen and it scared me. At this point I decided that I needed to stay sober and I wanted to this time. I made mistakes while I was sober yes, but 95% of them were when I was drinking. I was so heartbroken. I have the best life I could have ever asked for and I fucked it up.

I drove around aimlessly for hours and hours just trying to figure out what to do. Everyday I wanted to talk to Nick but I knew that I couldn't. I was scared of him. I didn't want to go to jail over this. I was mad because I couldn't get my belongings. And when I eventually did, I had a glimpse of hope that Nick would see me and realize that he made a mistake. But when I saw him he showed no emotion towards me at all. As I gathered my belongings from around the house, He just spoke to the sheriff as if nothing had happened while I was over here bawling my eyes out.

I understand I caused all of this on myself but I never really realized the damage that I was truly causing on my relationship. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't mean to hurt Nick. I didn't mean to cause all this pain. I just wish that he had forgiven me and talked to me about getting help. Why didn't I see things for how they were??? Why???

The next 2 months were very hard. The hardest times ever. I finally caved and I spoke to Nick after my cousin had passed away. I couldn't live my life knowing that if one of us died that this is how things ended up. We ended up speaking and meeting eventually a couple of weeks later but he was dead set on getting the divorce. He had no interest in being with me but I wanted to work things out so bad. I eventually moved into my own apartment and Nick and I talked here and there. Things were just different. I could tell he just had so much resentment towards me. I'll never know the full truth about why he continued to talk to me but everyone thinks that it's because he wanted me to not fight for anything in the divorce. Which I didn't. I had a lawyer but I ended up dropping her because my uncle told me that if I really loved Nick and I wanted to work things out then that would be the right decision to make so the next day I called my lawyer and I fired her. I figured it was show Nick that I was serious that I wanted to fix everything in that I wanted him to be happy. That I wouldn't hurt him again.

We ended up getting officially divorced on October 7th 2020. Just a few months after the overdose. Him and I had been seeing each other and I thought things were working out really well. But there was an incident where he thought that I had been sleeping around even though I hadn't been with anyone at all except him. I won't go into details about what happened but after that, he started acting very different. He came to find that his accusations were incorrect. But at this point he still didn't want to work on things.

A month later I got into a car accident and our dog that we had been sharing had jumped out the window and got hit by a car. It was very devastating for both of us and it still is. Nick was very mean to me after this happened and I understand why completely. I take full responsibility for driving my vehicle and crashing it with our dog in it. It was my fault. After that... Nick was completely distant.

In December things had been so chaotic and just him and I had not been getting along that well. I suggested that he started dating. I thought that if he dated other people he would realize what we had and come back to me. But I couldn't have been more wrong...

I watched Nick date several people, he has had a total of three girlfriends now. I also dated and the first boyfriend that I had I did it, once again in hopes that Nick would chase me. See that he was losing me to someone else. This didn't work before why would it work now, right? But I was desperate. I looked back at our text messages from that time back in September and I realized that he was just waiting for me to get sober, at least that's what I thought. That he was just scared of committing to me and being with me because if I went back to drinking. I didn't blame him. But I wish that I had never gotten to a relationship with Ben. I didn't like Ben. Like he was okay to hang out with but he was not my type. We were nothing alike. It was just so stupid. And I did this again with my next boyfriend. Except for this one I didn't date him to make Nick jealous I did it because Nick was already in a relationship at this point and I wanted someone to be with. It wasn't even really like a relationship. All we did was play video games and get high. But I will say that he helped me stay sober.

By this time I have already gotten my first DUI on March 17th 2021. We are now in April. I'm dating Julian and Nick is dating some other girl. I ended up breaking up with Julian because first of all, he was 23. He just was kind of rude sometimes and I didn't like that. I didn't want to be in a relationship really anyhow... But then my next boyfriend came along. That relationship was super toxic. The problem that we had was that I continued to drink while I was with him. I wasn't supposed to be. We would get into fights and it was terrible. We just didn't get along about anything. Plus I was super depressed and I didn't really want to be in a relationship but I think I asked him to be together when I was drunk. Which was stupid. We ended up breaking up and I had to move out of my apartment. I went and live with my uncle for a month and a half and I kept myself to rebuild myself during this time.

I stayed sober for over a month while I was there. During this time though I was talking to Nick off and on. I ended up leaving him alone for a couple of weeks because he was telling me that he was pretty serious about his girlfriend. I didn't believe in my heart that she was the one. Him and I have this connection and I don't know why I had to feel everything that he felt but I did. I could tell the days when he was sad, I could feel when he was fighting with his girlfriend, I knew when he was missing me, I could feel it all.

One day I was sitting there on the porch smoking a cigarette and a voice came to me in my head and told me that Nick was going to break up with his girlfriend around 6 months into their relationship. That he was going to go on a trip or they were going to go on a trip together and something was going to happen and he was going to end up breaking up with her because she was too needy and that he didn't give her enough attention. About a week later I messaged Nick and I asked him how he was doing. He had told me that he broke up with his girlfriend. Which I had already knew in my head. Him and I started talking and we ended up going out to dinner.

I hadn't been this excited in so long that I can't even tell you. I went and bought new clothes and I got all dressed up to see him. I had to make an impression! I remember when he walked into the restaurant and I saw him. My heart just fell out of my ass. I was so nervous and I stood up and I went to hug him and he just looked at me like I was stupid and he said, "what are you doing? Why are you standing up?" And I told him I was trying to get him a hug and then he kind of laughed and gave me a hug and we sat down. He told me all about his ex-girlfriend and what he had been up to. We laughed so much and everything just felt so natural. I remember feeling so content with everything. I was thinking to myself there's no way that this isn't going to work out. And it was so crazy because he told me the story about his ex-girlfriend and what happened and my predictions were right on point. I had predicted their entire breakup. Everything that I felt about the relationship and how he felt was correct. He was like how do you know all of this? I told him it was because we had that connection. I think it made him think.

Him and I started talking a lot more and I thought like things were going back to normal. We went on a fishing trip together and it was a little bit different at first because he was so anxious and I could tell that he was nervous to be around me. Like he was scared. But everything ended up being fine and I will always treasure that fishing trip and that dinner.

Things seem to had been going well. He was sending me pictures. Texting me a bunch. Telling me how beautiful I was. Sending messages every morning telling me good morning and that he loved me. And then a few days later I woke up and something didn't feel right. I can't explain what it was but it was there. Nothing had changed, everything had been just going on as it normally was. Later in the day I made a fake Hinge account. Where I found him on there. I ended up messaging him on my account and he talked to my fake persona. I'm not going to go into details about what happened that day but it wasn't good. My heart was shattered. I confronted him within the account and told him that he was talking to me. Which I regret doing all of this because maybe things would be different. But I can't live in the what ifs because that's not what happened. He obviously didn't want to be with me and felt differently. How he went about things I think was a little bit wrong but we weren't together so I can't really say much. All I know is that it reopened a wound. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. This was like almost mid Octoberish 2021.

He just told me that he wanted to move on. That he wasn't in love with me anymore. I ended up moving into my new apartment and I began to drink. I didn't care about anything again. This totally fucked me up. All over again....

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deev00 · 3 years

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The day that Chris aka Fuck face showed up to my work, during our conversation in the cafe I had told him that I had no intentions of pursuing things with him and had absolutely no interest at all. That the only reason why I was talking to him was because I want it to hurt him like he had hurt me in the past. I told him that I knew it was wrong and I wasn't sure why I wanted to do that so bad but that I had a good life and that he needed to leave me alone. Looking back, At the time I didn't really understand what I wanted to do that to him... But now with a clear-headed mind and lots of time to reflect and analyze everything that had happened, I realized that I was hurting and I got satisfaction out of hurting him. It's very wrong and I know that, but back then I really didn't care. I was already acting carelessly by drinking excessively and being negligent towards my relationship with Nick as well.

I never intended to talk to Fuck Face ever again and I figured that he would leave me alone. But he didn't... the problem is that I fell for a lot of the bullshit that he fed me. I should have blocked him but I didn't and I don't really remember why. I didn't care about him at all and I think that I probably just figured he'd leave me alone after I told him all that I had. I really didn't want to associate with him. I thought he was trash for talking to a married woman the way he did (believe me, I am still disgusted with myself for my own actions too) I wasn't attracted to him. I thought he was super ugly. He was short and it bothered me. His voice annoyed me. I thought his head was too big for his body. Everything about him was just unattractive. There wasn't anything that I liked about him. Not one single thing...

So after the whole incident at my work, He ended up contacting me shortly after and tried to convince me that there was a reason we were in each other's lives. He brought up how our dad's both abandoned us in our lives and that he came into my life after my dad died for a reason and that we were meant to be there to support each other and he knew I needed support right now. I hadn't mentioned anything about my relationship with Nick as far as everything that happened when my dad got sick. He knew very little details about my life. So I allowed him be my friend And I told him not he had to really respect the boundaries and not cross them because I was happily married. He had convinced me that he really just wanted to be a good friend and that we go way back and that he was sorry for the things that he had said knowing that I'm married. That he didn't want to overstep and that he would respect my relationship. And I believed him. The sad thing is that I would always talk to him when I was drinking, So I don't even remember a majority of our conversations. I used to record my conversations, then I would go back and listen to them. Some of them are really hard to listen to because I was so drunk that I was slurring and repeating myself and I sounded like I was half mentally retarded.

In the beginning of all this, I told Nick that I want it to talk to Chris as a friend. He didn't like the idea but he told me that he trusted me. And I feel so stupid now because there were a couple of times where I went to his house and I had stayed the night and Nick called me crying one time telling me that he couldn't believe I was sleeping in another man's bed. But I didn't view Chris as anything more than a friend. And since I wasn't doing anything with him I didn't see myself as doing anything wrong....which now I look back and I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking?! How the fuck could I believe that I wasn't doing anything wrong since I wasn't fucking him? And I remember telling Nick that I don't know why I was doing the things that I did but that I was confused. That I just needed support and that Chris was there for me. My mind was all over the place and I don't even know what my thought process was really. I wasn't thinking straight. I would say that back then I was completely mentally unstable. I don't even recognize my own actions. If you were to ask me if I were to ever do something like that, I would tell you fuck no are you insane?! But back then, I just figured since I was being honest about talking to Chris then what would be the harm in me spending the night at my friend's house? Even though I knewingly went there knowing that he has made inappropriate comments to me that my husband disapproved of. I wouldn't have felt comfortable if Nick went over some chicks house who had made comments like that. But I never looked at it that way.

You probably think, wow...what a hoe. I actually didn't sleep with him. I had gone over there maybe like 6 times in total through out The entire time that I knew him. We had met up other times at restaurants. We even looked at cars together.

So anyhow, Nick didn't want me talking to him anymore and it was causing all of these problems. So I told Chris that I couldn't talk to him anymore. And this was like mid January. He said he understood and that he wished me well and that it didn't have to be that way and I figured okay everything's fine...

Then he showed up at my work...again. I was super frustrated that he had come to my work and was waiting for me until I got off. He talked me into going to dinner with him and told me that he really just wanted to talk. I called it Nick and told him and he really didn't want me to go but I went anyhow. At dinner Chris tried to talk me into being friends again and said that maybe I should just not tell Nick and that we weren't doing anything wrong since we were just friends. I thought you know he's right... But he wasn't right. So I took his advice and I kept him a secret. But that didn't last too long because Nick caught me talking to him right away. This cycle repeat it for a while. The only difference is I would get mad at Chris because I felt so much guilt for talking to him and I told him that it wasn't right and I want it him to stay out of my life. So then we would stop talking for a couple to a few weeks and then he would come back into my life. He showed up to my work on 6 different occasions. 2 of the times he was claiming that he was just looking to buy glasses. One of the times he actually did. But of course we know that it wasn't to buy glasses. The cycle kept repeating and Nick kept catching me until I finally one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I was super depressed and I hated in my life at this point. I had so much guilt for talking to him and for lying and being deceitful. Chris's intentions were not to be my friend. He caused a lot of turmoil in my relationship. He brought up things about my life with Nick that I had never thought of. He asked about our finances. Which I never thought too much of. He asked me how much money Nick had in his bank account. He asked me how much Nick made. He asked me how much our bills were. And these were all things that I didn't know. So then I brought it to Nick's attention and it end up turning into a big fight because it turns out that Nick hasn't been honest with me about our finances. Or how much he makes. Or how much money he has in his bank account. I held resentment towards me for this and in spite I continued to talk to Chris just to get back at him. What a poor decision that was, right?

At this point it's about April. I had seen Chris many times at this point. I even had made out with him when I was drinking at his place. I started to feel even worse than I already did. I knew I needed to get him out of my life. Nothing good was going to come of this.

I don't remember what day in April it was but I remember Chris had asked me to go to the doctor with him. I hadn't seen him in a while at this point and he was just making excuses to see me. He had made it a point that he had to have some sort of stuff done with his heart because he was having all this trouble with it. Turns out that was actually all bullshit and his doctor was just checking his heart because his heart rate was fast one day when he went to the doctor. Yeah. At this point I know that Chris is a manipulator. I started to see everything for how it was. Him and my best friend had both been bad influences on my life and both had been trying to turn me against Nick. I just didn't realize it. My best friend was jealous of me and my life and Chris was jealous of my life as well. I feel so stupid for believing anything either of them said because I just didn't realize they were trying to hurt me.

That night in April, I told Chris he had to stay out of my life. I couldn't do it anymore. I had become severely depressed and my relationship was suffering. That night, like every night...I had been drinking. He text me shortly after and told me that he couldn't live without me and that he was going to kill himself. I told him he was being ridiculous and that he just needed to calm down. About an hour passed and he text me that he went to Home Depot and bought a hose to stick in his exhaust pipe and that he was going to kill himself.

Ok this is the part where I know I sound like a complete and total heartless asshole but if you were in my shoes, you would feel the same way.

I didn't call Fuck Face because I actually cared if he died. I only called him because him and I fought more than we got along and I had told him several times that he should kill himself and I even offered to pay for a gun for him to do it. That's how much I truly hated him. So the only reason that I called him and tried to talk him out of it was because his mom used to contact me all the time just to argue with me cuz she was one big stupid fucking cunt. She had told me that if Chris had ever killed himself that I would be held as an accessory to murder. My drunk self freaked out. I wasn't worried about him dying. That actually was a sense of relief if he did sadly I did feel that way. I was worried that I was going to get in trouble. As I was talking to him, Nick walked in the garage and caught me. He told me, "Good fucking job, Dej". We then got into an argument of which I do not remember. I woke up at Chris's house. I don't remember driving there but I did. I don't know why I drove down there but I've also realized that I can't ever question myself why did the things that I did when I drank because it will never make sense. I can't make sense of it when I'm sober. Who I am when I drink is not who I am when I am sober.

This was kind of like the tumble of the barrel... I know that if I hadn't made that call that night then my life would be a lot different than it was. I have a lot of regrets but calling Chris that night was one of my biggest. Nick was done at this point. He told me that he wanted to file for divorce. I felt alone and lost. None of it felt real. Well this entire time you probably wonder why I talk to Chris if I loved Nick so much, Well I will tell you...

I never had feelings for Chris. I used him. I used him for emotional support. I used him as an escape. I used him as someone to vent to. I used him as leverage to make my husband more upset. But the biggest thing that I did was I used him so that he could make my husband jealous and chase me. I felt such a disconnect in my relationship with Nick after I had started to drink very, very heavily. I thought that if he saw he was losing me that he would chase me. After all that stuff happened with Chris and his pretend-to-attempt suicide, Nick really was a goner at this point. I was at my ditch effort trying to get him back. I made stupid, stupid decisions. I would go to Chris's house to make him jealous and hopes that he would try to stop me. But he didn't. I started packing my stuff because we had discussed me moving out, in hopes that he would stop me. I remember one day he sat me down and he told me that he was really sad and he was crying, He asked me if I loved Chris and even though I knew the answer was no, I still said yes because I wanted him to see that he was losing me. I was so stupid. I cry as I write this... that was the stupidest thing I could have done. But I had already lost him at this point.

I did things so wrong but at the time they made sense. Secretly, I had been struggling with my own self worth. I had so many abandonment issues. I knew that Nick was too good for me. I didn't deserve him. I knew that continuing to talk to Chris but it would sabotage my relationship. So I continued to do it while at the same time hoping that Nick would chase me. That's all I really wanted.

All I wanted deep down was for Nick to be there for me. I wanted him to be there for me throughout my dad's death. And it's not like he wasn't completely, He just was very detached. He only went to the hospital with me once when my dad was in the ICU. But I never pushed for him to go and hopes that he would just know that he needed to be there for me. Because that's what relationships are about, being there for each other when you need the most. Even while in hospice, he only went to see my dad with me once granted my dad was only there for 2 weeks. And then he decided to just stop communicating with me after my dad passed and I became a raging alcoholic. All I wanted was Nick's attention.

I never meant to hurt Nick. I never put myself in his shoes. I was too selfish and caught up in my own addiction and feeling worthless and just worrying about myself and how I felt that I never stopped once to really think about how Nick felt. What I was doing to him. The pain that I was causing. What it was like dealing with me. Not once. Because I was too fucking selfish. And I will always regret that. I've never felt more guilt in my entire life. For all the things I've done to him. He was my favorite person and he still is. I'll be waiting until the end of days for this man to change his mind about me. I'm not sure if that day will ever happen. He currently has a girlfriend. But I feel he is my soulmate and I think that made me one day things can change. I think once he's in a relationship for a long while that he'll realize what we had and that how lucky we were to have been able to fill the love we did and how we felt the butterflies everyday for many years. And when those butterflies fade with his new girlfriend, He's going to realize that what we had was true love and that it's not possible to fill that way again unless with each other. And I may be crazy but I don't really care at this point. Everyone says to follow your dreams. That's what I'm doing, I'm following my dreams. My dreams are to spend my life with Nick.

Well now you know how much I love Nick, You see that I was just being unstable. Nothing makes sense and don't try to make sense of it. So now that Nick is done with me and he won't chase me this is where my life ended up getting just a million times worse.

During my time at Chris's house, him and I had been drinking and I hate talking about this but I have to just be honest with myself about everything. For a long time I blamed myself for the stuff that went down that night. And yes it is half my fault but what happened that night was not right and it shouldn't have ever taken place.

Chris and I had been drinking and I ended up passing out in his bed. I've done my best to try and block this memory out and how it exactly happened I'm not really sure anymore, All I know is the amount of fear and betrayal that I felt. Me feel betrayal? Yes, even though I was in the situation that I put myself in, I still felt betrayal. I was still pretty drunk and it was the middle of the night. Fuck face had lowered my pants down and begin to have sex with me. I was in shock and I didn't know what to say or think. I was scared, to be honest with you. I may have kissed him in the past and may have crossed some lines that I shouldn't have but I hadn't slept with him. He had tried in the past but I didn't let him. I got mad at him for touching me inappropriately. I should have left but I didn't. We ended up drinking. Which is funny because Chris claimed that he didn't know that I was an alcoholic but it was very apparent. Who could have not known? All the conversations that him and I had where I was really fucked up made no sense and was slurring and sounded like I was retarded, how could he claim that he didn't know I was an alcoholic?

While I was in his bed, as he was doing this to me I got up and I went to the bathroom and I sat down and I started crying. Hoping that he would come in and apologize. But 20 minutes past and nothing... So I ended up going in the kitchen and I took a few more shots. I thought I had fallen asleep on the couch but apparently I did not. Somehow I ended up in his room but I don't doubt myself because I was drunk. I woke up to the same thing, this time I was so upset with myself and still in shock that I just laid there. I let him do his thing. He didn't say anything to me at all. I didn't say anything to him. He just got up went and took a shower and went about his day. We didn't talk about it. I was still pretty drunk when I woke up so I waited until I sobered up to go home. I think I had been at his house for the weekend and I had lied about being at my best friends. I remember feeling so guilty for everything and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to go home because I felt so guilty. I didn't want to face Nick because I knew that I was going to tell him what happened. So I ended up staying the night again stupidly, out of guilt, shear guilt and the next day I went home.

I bought two bottles of wine on my way home. I was on my computer in the morning and I had chugged a whole bottle of wine. I don't remember the conversations that I had on my computer but I left my lid open and apparently I told Chris that I wanted to have sex in his truck which I am not sure why. I wasn't even attracted to him that way. My only thought is that I was just in a drunken state and not thinking about what had actually happened. I can't tell you because I don't know. All I know is that I didn't mean what I said! And I swear on everything. Nick ended up seeing the messages on my computer and he started yelling and we got into a fight and he asked me if I slept with Chris and I told him that I did. And I was mad when I said it, I was like, "yeah I fucked him and so what get over it!" But he didn't actually know the full details and I was mad at myself. I was taking it out on him. I couldn't even believe myself when I got sober and I realized how stupid I was. At this point, everything was broken and nothing could be fixed. I begged Nick. I begged him for days to forgive me and he wouldn't. He told me that we need it to get divorced.

On May 12th, a private server showed up at our house and left divorce papers on the door. I broke down when I read them and then I called Nick and I let him know that I was breaking down and I was begging him to forgive me. But he said that this needed to be done. I went to the liquor store and bought a bunch of Cinerator shots and I began to drink. I got my pills that I had been accumulating over the last decade and I poured them all inside of my hand and I took them all...

I woke up several days later in an ambulance transporting me to the rehabilitation center I would be staying at for the next 4 days. I had been in the ICU for 3 days. Where Nick never visited me once...

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deev00 · 3 years

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The day I met Nick was the most blessed day of my life. I'll never forget that moment we locked eyes. They sparkled so bright in the blacklights at the night club. He got the biggest smile on his face when I saw him. My heart immediately melted and I had that weak feeling in my knees. Something was different here and he made me feel excited and nervous at the same time. He used to travel for work often and every time I saw him after a little time apart, he gave me that feeling in all the years we were together and with time, the feeling of butterflies and excitement only grew stronger. I never thought it was possible to even feel that type of euphoria without drugs but even with each and every passing day, that excitement continued.

My problem through out our relationship was that I struggled with alcohol. But you know, Nick loved me unconditionally. There were times when he had become really frustrated with me and actually, after our first big break up, when we got back together and I moved back in I promised him I wouldn't drink anymore and I do remember quitting for some time but I am not sure how long. I was always up and down up and down with drinking. But there were lots of times in our lives where alcohol wasn't an issue and those were our best times.

I never truly wanted to quit drinking back then. I used to think it was fun. But I never saw how I acted when I drank. I had been told but it always went over my head. It wasn't until our, what I call "dark days" that I became abusive. I had some times in the past where I acted out but it wasn't a nightly thing. after my Dad passed away I changed a lot mentally and when I would drink, it's like a demon was being released. I have done things I don't remember and wouldn't normally do when I would drink in the past but this time around was different.

I didn't find out until Nick left me that I had become an abusive drunk. During the beginning of the dark days I had a few nights where I had been blacked out and mean but Nick never gave me details. He just said I was slamming stuff and mumbling stuff to myself. He later told me that I had started acting very different when I drank and had become extremely mean and started telling him I hated him and I wish we had never gotten married. Things that I never felt. This isn't the worst of my drunken black out stages. But I just wish I had known before and that he had confronted me but he never did. I like to tell myself it's because he didn't want to make me feel bad or because he was afraid I'd get mad. I had started drinking a lot, a lot like quadruple the amount I had been drinking around September 2019 and shortly after, I noticed a change in Nick's behaviors. He started distancing himself. Being short. But he still showed me love but it wasn't the same.

What I was feeling during that time is indescribable. I felt abandoned by my Dad and by my Husband. But deep down I feared it was because of the drinking he had started acting different but I wasn't 100% sure if it was because he was just falling out of love with me. I just remember he went fishing a lot and I would stay home and drink by myself. He'd ask me to go once in awhile but I'd always say no because drinking alone sounded more appealing to me apparently. I was extremely depressed and trying to deal with my emotions because I had already lost my Dad and I felt like I was now losing my Husband...which turns out, I was.

I figured I was drinking this much to just cope with my Dad being gone and that he knew it wouldn't always be this way. At this time in my life, I figured that after all my struggles with drinking that I had learned how to moderate since it wasn't talked about anymore and hadn't been for years. Obviously I was extremely indenial of my addiction. The only communication we ever had on me drinking at this time was that he hoped I'd quit but how much it was impacting his life, it was never mentioned at this point in life and I wish he had brought it to my attention. Every day I wish he had just sat my ass down and told me to get my shit together and all the things I've been doing. I swear on everything I would have changed but I can't prove that now.

In late December, whom I refer to as Fuck Face (Chris) came into my life and worst part...by accident. He was the curse of my life and I also refer to him and Satan.

I had been organizing photos on my computer and came across this douche bags photo. It's interesting because Nick got annoyed I had been spending so much time organizing my photos and told me to do something else but I didn't and like 30 minutes later I came across his photo. You know the background on him already so out of curiosity, I looked him up on Facebook to see if he had gotten his life together and I saw his photos and thought he had gotten married and I was like, that's surprising AF (turns out they were his sisters wedding photos). I accidentally friend requested him and he had sent me a message and I almost didn't reply but I did out of courtesy. Him and I had been texting and that was when it was brought to my attention that he had in fact not gotten married and was single. At work that same day, I accidentally butt dialed him and he told me to call him back after work so I hung up and tbh, I was still sickened by him from the past that I wanted to make him jealous of the life I had. So I called him just to rub it in how good my life was. And I did. For a few days and then he began telling me disturbing things over text that I am sure I played into while I was intoxicated. I honestly wanted to fuck with him. I was mad at him for the past. I'm not sure why I had so much hate towards him but I did. Unfortunately, shortly after talking to him, Nick caught me texting him and saw some text that honestly meant nothing to me. So Nick called him and told him to stay the fuck out of our lives.

The next day I was at work and it was my last day at that store and it was so busy. I just remember looking up at my best friends face and the most shocked look was on her face and she turned pale. I looked up and there was Chris, in his stupid ugly puffy yellow jacket with his dog in his arms and he was wearing these awful colored contacts.

I immediately pulled my manager aside and told him I had an emergency. I pulled Chris back into the food cafe and started started scalding him and telling him what Nick said and that I wasn't interested in him. He started crying and acting like a little bitch. He went on saying we were meant to be in each other's lives and trying to hold my hand and plead to me. I was so mad that he showed up to my work. Drove an hour and a half to get there. I was like, wtf!

As much as I wanted to tell Nick what happened, I didn't because I didn't want him to get upset. I honestly was just sparing his feelings and I felt stupid....

Anyhow, after him trying to feed me bullshit about blah blah blah, I don't even want to go into it because it's dumb (yet soon after I started eating up his bullshit) I sent him on his way and he left crying. To which, everyone at my work, including myself were laughing at.

This was the beginning to the crumble of my life.

#my life #story of my life #heartbreak #journal #journey

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deev00 · 3 years

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Everyday I woke up wondering if I'd ever feel normal again or if it would be the day I started to feel some some sort of happiness....but as the days and months passed...I began to feel more hopeless than the day before.

I walked around aimlessly and found myself constantly observing every person, couple and family wondering what their life was like. I wondered if the individual people were in a relationship, married or single. I wondered if they were happy, content or just as miserable as I was. As for all the couples, I wondered if they were madly in love like I once used to be or if they were just settling.

For months, I used to get sharp pains in my stomach when I'd hear people say husband or wife because it reminded me that I no longer had a husband...my amazing husband. Before in life, I used to wake up everyday just so happy to be here on the planet. I was so alive. I went to bed looking forward to the next and I viewed my life as a fairytale. Often people would make comments about my happiness or relationship because they told me I was only "Facebook happy" but it wasn't true. I was genuinely happy and I had the most amazing person in my life that I could have ever dreamt of. The type of happiness I felt inside was unexplainable and the only way I could describe it was pure ecstacy. I never felt unloved. I felt valued and cherished. I was his Princess, as he would call me and he was my Knight in shining armour. The feeling of true love is a high that no one can explain unless they feel it. Butterflies everytime you see the person. It's the best feeling in the entire world.. I didn't think life could get better than it was....until one day everything changed.

You see, I grew up in a broken home and broken family. My life was very dysfunctional and I never had the opportunity to even get a glimpse of what a normal life was. My dad was a dead beat alcoholic and always gone. When he was home, he was always drunk or passed out. My mom was also never home, usually out gambling. That was her way of making money instead of working. We lived like this for many years until my aunt died which was my mom's brothers wife. We then moved into their house so my mom could help him take care of my cousins and I went to school. The 4th grade. I didn't go to school prior. Just preschool or kindergarten and 2nd grade for a couple months. I was kept isolated the years prior. I had no social skills. No idea how to even interact with people other then how I saw my family interact with each other. I wasn't necessarily a bad kid but I treated people as if they were always against me and out to get me. By the time I was 12, I had been jumping from place to place since my mom had met a man, become an alcoholic and kicked me out and my dad was a drunk on the streets. I just wished I had a stable home, wishing I could go to school.

All I did was wonder what it was like to be happy. To just have parents and what it would have been like if I had a fair chance in this life. What school sports would have been like or to have the experience of going to school...so then at the age of 15, my uncle agreed to take me in and I was able to finally able to experience things in life that I never had before. But it wasn't what I expected, Since I lacked social skills and I was grades behin, highschool was too overwhelming so after 1 semester, I dropped out and began working my first real job at the local Safeway. There I formed my social skills and how to communicate better with people.

I wasn't sure what the point of life was and I had dreams but they were scattered. I really had no direction and never really thought about my future too much because I figured I'd die by 25. I cared but I had no idea what I could do and depression caused me to not really care too much.

I went through a lot of hardships in life and I figured if I made it out and got my own place and was able to pay my bills, that I would have a starting point. But once I got my own place at 17...I soon after lost a good friend and I had already been partying a lot since I had moved out of my uncle's but then I just got a lot worse. Trying to avoid the pain and hurt of losing the person that I had grown closest to in the year and a half that I knew him. I'd never really had the chance to bond with someone in that way and it was one of the most amazing experiences I ever had.

After losing someone so close to me, I became a bit closed off. I didn't know how to really deal with the pain so I started to drink alone and isolate. I literally had no one that could pull me out of the state I was in because all of my friends were doing the same things as me, partying and drinking to escape the pain. About 7 months later, a guy named Victor came into my life and we dated for a short while. I started taking a break from drinking and just started surrounding myself with a different crowd. I started to feel better and being around people that knew I struggled with drinking, they tried to help me find enjoyment in things other then partying. Drinking was pretty much all I knew. It's what I grew up around. I wasn't repeating everything I had witnessed growing up as I tried to be different but after my first drink, I lost my hold on ever wanting to even stray from alcohol. But there were people close to me that knew I had a problem. It was addressed only a few times and I tried to justify my actions because I figured I was just partying like most people my age.

I broke up with Victor 2 months after getting together after he confessed he wanted to start having children. It was something I had never thought about and it terrified me. Unfortunately, my falling out with Victor caused a lot of problems in my social life and my current group of friends ditched me, taking his word over mine after many lies were spread about me. As much as it sucked, I didn't let it break me and I picked myself up and just pretended nothing happened.

A few months passed by and I had been seeing random friends here and there and come Thanksgiving, I met someone at a party whose name is Chris. He was DJ'ing the party and my drunk self just thought he was so cool. He dressed very eccentric and it was different then pretty much anyone I had ever seen. I spent the next 3 months spending most of my time with him and his best friend Khrystie, who he was pretty much obsessed with. I had a thing for this guy but he used me for rides and treated me like absolute shit. I knew that, too but I allowed it because I liked him and I stoll don't know why. He was a loser and living with his mom with no job at 24. The truth is, I only liked him because he was a "DJ". It was entirely superficial. I put that bullshit to an end after 3 months of after he beat Khrystie for the front seat, I told him I never wanted to see him again for being a woman beater. His behaviors reminded me much like my Dads. I never heard from Chris again until I was 22 and he began hitting on me over Facebook after I had lost weight and started dressing really cute and looking sexy. Pig. I shut him down to which I was sent hateful messages from his at the time girlfriend.

After Chris, I stopped looking for a relationship and lost interest in men. I just lost hope of finding someone. I wasn't necessarily looking for anything long term, just someone to be a love bird with and be all in love, the good things from the relationship that I had with Matt. It just wasn't happening for me. Guys treated me like shit and its probably because I would sleep with them and I didn't really know much better. I figured that if I have them what they wanted, then they'd like me. Besides, as far as I knew...sex wasn't meant for women to have pleasure. It was just an act for men. I realize it's because I was raped when I was a Virginia at 16 years old. My mind was all messed up. Then again, in 2019 shortly after Chris exited my life. Now you would think that being raped again would have messed me up even more but it actually made me realize that sex isn't just for men to get pleasure and that men had just been absolutely awful to me at vulnerable times.

August of 2019 is when my life started changing. It was after one of my best friends Shiena begged me to go to Beta Nightclub with her on Hip Hop night, which was on a Friday. She wanted to get into Skylab for free and begged the promoter to let us pass out flyers to get into Skylar. So I let her talk me into it. Best decision I ever made because that was the night I met Nick...the love of my life. My soul mate. I remember looking into his eyes and I knew he was going to be the man I married. Its hard to explain the feeling but when you know, you know. This immediate spark was there, a connection of our souls. I told him he was hot and he laughed. We went outside to talk, I grabbed his phone and put my number in it and told him to call me sometime. I'd never asked a guy for his number nor approached one as I did him. I had zero confidence. I felt like I was fat and ugly. Why would anyone like me? But with him, I knew he wouldn't reject me. Even if I was out of his league. It was Friday, August 14th 2009...the beginning of the start of my life.

#story of my life #my life #finding #trying #addiction #alcohol #alcohlism #lost lovers #lost souls #soberliving #newlife #lifelessons #still life #i miss him #heartbreak #help

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