dearbunbun

[dearbunbun]

New Beginnings...

I never knew what failure sounded like but now I know all of its pitch and frequency. They always say “Learn from your mistakes”, “You will do better next time”, “Its not your fault”. But what if its not a mistake because mistake occurs only one time and I repeated it? What if it was the next time? What if it was my own fault? I did all this to my own self and now I cant even let myself to be sad on y failure. I brought this upon myself. But I am completely lost right now. There is not even a road present so how can I have a direction? I was not able to study for the entrance test into a medical college last year because I just cant! No matter how hard I tried to study and work hard, I was just unable to do it. I got 81% last year with only 1 month of study when I should have studied 3 months at least. Then I repeated a whole year, I mean 2021 for to study again and get into medical college because I am included in the toppers of my High school. Everybody’s eyes were on me. My teachers, my parents, my younger brothers, my uncles, my family, my friends, my everyone! But what I just did? I was not able to study at all. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I prayed. No matter how much I motivated myself. No matter how much I reminded myself of the dread that will happen if I wont get into the medical college and be a doctor. Yet I couldn't make my self study even a day! I spend all of my 10 months including 2020 December, just reading books online. Till the last day before test I tried so hard to study but still couldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I ruined everything including myself with all the expectations and my parent’s dream. Its 81% again this year but my parents and everyone believes I studied hard but bad luck got me. But they don't know I lied to them. I didn't studied at all. Because I couldn't study at all. I spend more than a year in my room. I didn't leave my room and house for almost 2 years excluding the grocery shopping I went with my mom and to the trip to my hometown 2 days prior to the exam this year because my grandmother passed away 2 days before my exam and I was devastated. I loved her a lot. All in all, I ruined myself. My 2 precious life years just spent in home. I remember last year when I wanted to get admission in College for any subject, my parents yelled and scolded so much that I want admission because I am finding ways to not do the exam for the medical exam. And i seriously don't know what is wrong with me? Since my childhood everyone taught me to be a doctor but still Why? Why I couldn't made myself study to this if it was my life long motto? I am so confused why I did that? Why I spend my whole year without studying but still giving the exam? Why I cant make myself clear that I don't want to go there. I think I subconsciously did all that but why? Because I know very well I still wont be able to choose my major in college too? I am so stupid and a looser who cant even understand one’s oneself. I didn't even cried. But I cried today. When the merit list for Microbiology appeared online and I was in the waiting list. I cried today because I found myself lost today. I cried today because I disappointed my parents for the third time in the span of 11 months when I spend my whole life since kindergarten making them proud. I cried today because I don't know what to do anymore. I cried today while writing this. I wanted to become a therapist because I wanted to help others and make their life less painful because there is no one for me. But my parents didn't let me do that just like they imposed my brain since childhood that “ You will become a doctor. work hard”. I have no choice in my life nor had but still I worked hard to make my parents proud but I couldn't work hard for this exam, why? I sometime think I am lazy and don't want to just study but I am not like this at all. I was always in top3 positions since forever. I don't like teaching. That's why I chose Plant Biodiversity and Geology as one of my major in college but my dad said they are stupid subjects. You will do only teaching n future so take the subjects who have scope in teaching and he very well knows I don't like speaking much. He chose Microbiology for me and now again I failed them because I appeared in the waiting list on 108 number when it closed on 90th seat. Still I will be able to get admission there because many people leave those seats and I will be in Microbiology. Classes will start from 22nd. I am so lost. I will start studying the subject I have zero interest in. But I know I will get the Gold medal because I don't want to fail my mother again. I want my parents to be be proud of me. I know I will live a life didn't thought nor I dreamt off. But Ii want to ace it to not be a failure of a person anymore. But these 2 years are the worst year of my life. Its still a mystery for me why I wasn't able to study when I always studied my whole life. I will start living a life I didn't wanted but gradually I will make this life just for me. I believe God will help me, I believe him. If all this happened, there must be a reason behind which I cant comprehend. So, I will do all I can to change the failure of a person I am. I didn't chose this but I sure will make this for myself onwards. My mother supports me so much but that's what I regret the most because I don't deserve to be supported now by the lies I told her. That's why I will do all in power to take that gold medal for her. My dad on the other hand is ready to disown me. My life turned a whole 180. If someone told my 3 years old me that I will be studying Microbiology and will be in waiting list to get the admission because I was not able to get good marks for the medical school. She would have laughed at you. We don't know what happens next and that's what is motivating me right now because we literally don't know what happens next and I want to believe and move forward. Leave the past and move forward. I hope this year ends with a slightly happier me.  I am lost right now but still I am fighting to discover the road so I may find a direction. Never stop.

                                                                                                      ~Dearbun

[dearbunbun]

BULLOCK OF THE PERSIAN WHEEL

There is a Bullock moving around a Persian wheel, who has its eyes blocked and is continuously moving in circles. That bullock is just once patted harshly on its back and is ordered to revolve around that wheel to draw out water. Its eyes are blocked for help to not make it feel dizzy when moving in circles all day long. It has just one job “To move in circles without complaining”. And if that bullock is found to be a strong, healthy and perfect for hard labor; then it is made to do double work from a normal bullock. All in all, that bullock has no choice but to just work starting from dawn, eyes covered and move in circles, waiting for its owner and master to come back and fetch him, provide it with water and grass. That is its whole life until it is sent to butcher in its last days when it has no power to work anymore. You will be thinking why I told you a whole life cycle of a bullock working at the Persian wheel. Its because that bullock is me. I am that bullock. As long as my mind can recall I just heard one sentence in the most aggressively and passionately manner “ You will be a doctor”. My eyes were blocked, I was healthy, I was strong, I had intelligence. My parents knew it because of my grades. I was never number two. I was always on top of my class since the Kindergarten. I heard one more sentence when I got older “ You will go to [specific] High school”. I worked hard but when the time came my parents made me enroll into different High school.  Since that day; the first day of my High school I was being abused verbally and emotionally to work hard and go to a medical school. There was or is nothing on mind except “I have to become a doctor or else.... “ Because I am having threats from many years that I will marry you off, I will kick you out of my home, Wait for the day you fail and you will wish it never came. So, you see I have and had no choice but to revolve in circles with my eyes blocked. I saw only one career and my life moved around it.

                       But you can see, I used past tense in the last sentence. Because I am no longer that bull. I found my savior last year who took off that blindfold round my eyes but I am still moving in circles. I didn't got into medical college last year and I lost my whole 2021 just to study more hard, stay at home, reappear in that entrance test. I didn't studied at all. I couldn't study. I spent my whole year at home reading books and helping myself out of the depression and anxiety. I lied to my parents all year that I am studying but I didn't. It is not my passion. I cant study medicine. I cant study what I am asked to study. Music and books helped me see through my blindfold that the world is bigger than what I see, what my parents see. Hence I know I wouldn't be a doctor and there is a hell waiting for me but at least I will fight for what I want and that is to become a therapist. I am frightened to my bones in order to tell this decision to my parents. But I will fight for myself because there will be no one out there to fight for you. I have a long journey ahead. I wasted my whole year incase of my parents but for me I grew more in 2021 than I grew in my past 19 years of my life.

                     I just want to plead, don't be that bullock. Please don't be me. I wasted my whole teenage life wanting to achieve what I didn't wanted in the end. I was blind to many careers out there. I was blind to see my worth as a human. I was blind to see my own decisions. Hence, all I want from you, my dear Bunbun readers that if you have a blindfold then take that off right now! See what you want to be, not what you are allotted to be. There is a whole story about how that blindfold was took off but for now this is enough. So will you tell me if you are that bullock or you successfully took off that blindfold? There is a long journey ahead but we stop and lose our path right on the first turn. Please share your thoughts because I am not  a lone bullock nor are you. I am fighting for myself, finding my passion and making myself worth as a human first. Kindly do that too because all in all you are first a human than anybody else. No one has the right to manipulate you and make your decisions for you. You are you, you know yourself more than your parents or anybody else. I hope this helped you somehow to slightly takeoff your blindfold. Not completely because its not easy I took a whole year and we don't know how much you will take. Find your savior, I found mine and am deeply thankful to them.

                                                                                                       ~ Dearbun

[dearbunbun]

Welcome Bunbun readers!

Hello there!

                  If you reach here and find this; I hope this becomes a safe place for you as it became for me. I started this because there is no one with me to share what I feel or what goes in my mind. I believe words helps the most. We are not broken, there is nothing to fix. We are just lost. I am lost. I hope I find myself and hope you will too! Please share what you think after reading my blogs because in what I believe; words help, talking helps and ease some burden off your shoulders. Please be kind towards my words because these are actual feelings coming straight from my heart.

With love,

I