dawn-at-40 - Tumblr blog

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Went for my yearly physical this week. Amazingly I was in and out of there in barely 30 minutes! Of course, going first thing in the morning helps (they can’t get too far behind at that point). But really, the fact that I’m feeling pretty damn good, keeping my BG numbers down and losing weight means I don’t exactly have much to talk to my doctor about. He ran through all the basic exam stuff (except the always fun internal exam, which thankfully is only every five years) and then told me to keep doing what I’m doing. He even gave me a “whoa!” when he looked at what my weight was at my physical last year.

So, basically, I suppose I get to say I’m in good health at this point. Sure, I’m still overweight, but what I’m doing about it is obviously working. And I will always be diabetic, even if my endocrinologist says my BG numbers are now pre-diabetic. (It’s like being an alcoholic - once it’s there, you can fall back into it if you’re not careful.) And I’m on a couple of meds, which I really don’t mind considering how well they stabilize everything. But I probably feel better than I have in a decade or two and that’s pretty damn amazing. It’s hard work at times, but feeling this way really does make it all worth it. 

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One thing I’ve learned about being diabetic (ok, technically, now pre-diabetic) and keto, is that even if I want to treat myself and have a little cheat, my body will let me know it was a bad idea. Now, my suspicion is that my reactions are due to eating keto for about nine months and my body becoming accustomed to not eating certain types of food. When that food suddenly shows up, my body revolts.

Take grains, for example. I’m really good at staying away from wheat (in flour and otherwise), oats, barley, rice and corn. But this week someone set up a “popcorn bar” at work, with a variety of flavors and toppings. So I checked the carb counts and took a couple of handfuls. Everything seemed fine at the time and for the rest of the day. Then I woke up at 3 a.m. sweaty and nauseous. And because I’ve felt this way before, I knew it was something I ate - and the popcorn was the only “foreign” substance I’d had. 

So I suppose this sort of thing “keeps me honest”. Because it’s really not a great feeling, even if it lasts for only an hour or so. But I’m content to let my body adjust to things that keep me healthy - I just need to remember what happens if I give into the occasional craving!

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One of those “non-scale victory” kind of days: I am down to a size 18 in jeans. It’s been many, many years since I was in a size that wasn’t in the 20s, so it’s sort of a big deal. 

It does feel great, but also a bit odd at the same time, to realize I’m “back in the teens”. I mean, a huge amount of my clothes no longer fit me and yet I haven’t gotten rid of them. It’s the mental thing at this point - I need to convince myself that I no longer need those larger sizes. Just another hurdle to get over.

And I’ll need to invest some actual time in shopping for new clothes. I’ve done a bit, but mostly online, which isn’t the greatest since things fit me differently now (not just by size). You don’t really think about it when losing weight - it’s just buying a smaller size and moving on. But your body actually changes shape and you don’t notice much until you try on the same styles your accustomed to... and they don’t look right. Reaching goals like this have a lot more pieces to fit together than you’d think!

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So the other day I was flipping through photos on my phone, looking at some from one year ago. I had a bathroom mirror pic (because it seems that public bathrooms are the only places with good size mirrors for taking photos) and figured I would go ahead and take another that day to compare. Well, what they say about not seeing the physical change in yourself is true.

I am down just over 50 pounds from when I took the pic last year. Obviously, I’ve noticed some changes, like smaller clothing sizes and rings fitting looser on my fingers. And yes, other people have mentioned seeing a difference. But because I see myself in a mirror at least a couple of times everyday, I didn’t really see the physical difference that sort of weight loss makes. I was genuinely surprised when I put the photos side by side.

It hasn’t been easy and I still have a way to go, but this little comparison experiment has provided some extra motivation to keep at it. I don’t want to go back to the first pic and I’d like to think that, in another year, I’ll be saying the same about the current pic. And odd as it may sound, I have diabetes to thank for this - I likely never would have tried going keto if it hadn’t been something that my doctor recommended for controlling the disease.

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A couple of weeks ago I had a check up with my endocrinologist. I last saw him in March (my first visit) and that’s when he recommended keto. I had some blood work done in July, so we were going to talk about those results as well.

First off, he was really happy with my progress... he actually told me I was doing a great job. Not only was my weight down (by 40 pounds), but my A1C is now at “pre-diabetes” level. Plus, all my other blood work was good, with only my vitamin B12 being a bit low (he suggested a daily supplement). He even cut down one of my prescription medications (the statin) from one a day to one every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I don’t have to see him again until the end of the year.

I feel good about things. I mean, I knew keto was working for me, I was losing weight, my daily BG numbers were in normal range. But getting a really positive reaction from my doctor kind of sealed the deal. Showing him I can handle this is a little extra motivation and that never hurts. 

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So today is my 45th birthday. A hell of a lot has happened over the past year. If you’ve been following along, you know most of it - my mom’s cancer diagnosis, treatment and setback; hubby’s medical issues and hospitalization; my diabetes diagnosis; starting on meds and keto. But we were also able to take a couple of trips, one to Atlanta and one to Memphis. Sure, there’s been a lot that hasn’t exactly been great, but I’ve come through it. And as odd as it sounds, I’m pretty sure I’m in a better place now than I was a year ago. 

Ok, so it’s not great to find out you have type 2 diabetes. But knowing about it and treating it has me feeling better physically and mentally. I don’t know that I would have given keto a try if my doctor hadn’t recommended it. And because of that, I’ve lost 40 pounds in four months. Plus, hubby is down more than 50 pounds - it’s made a drastic difference in our lives. It’s so counterintuitive to say something bad was a good thing, but it really was. 

Oh, and the one completely excellent thing that happened that I haven’t shared here? I got a new car a couple weeks ago - a 2018 Dodge Challenger. It’s great to be able to adult in a fun way! 

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I don’t know if it’s the meds I’m on for diabetes or switching to a keto diet or a combination of both, but my emotional health has improved over the past couple of months. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but I’ve had multiple symptoms of it for years and recurring low points. But I noticed recently that it had been awhile since I’d felt really down about myself or life in general. I mean, there are still times when I’m emotional and down, but the depth of it just isn’t there like it used to be.

I know that depression and other emotional and psychological issues are due to chemical imbalances. Obviously something I’m doing is balancing out my chemicals in some way. But because I shifted to keto barely a month or so after starting my diabetes meds, I can’t tell which is the culprit (though that’s too negative a word for a positive change like this). Both have changed things in me for the better, so I’m not sure it matters much!

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I’m realizing that I need to be careful in the heat now. It’s never been that big a deal for me to spend a couple of hours outside in hot weather, even if I’m exerting myself with some yardwork. But this is the first summer since I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes and it seems to be making a difference. I don’t know if it’s the disease or effects from the medication, but I start to feel bad after a short time in the sun now.

Based on what I’ve read, I knew that heat can be a bigger deal for diabetics - getting hot quicker, sweating more, etc. I didn’t know what that meant until we were walking around in the sun last week. It wasn’t even an hour before I was feeling really tired and light headed - I know I was on the verge of heat exhaustion and I’ve never had that happen before. Then today, I managed only 10 minutes of yard work before I had to go inside and rest because I was light headed. I did a little more later and broke out in a heavy sweat after just a few minutes. 

Yes, it’s been hot and humid, so obviously everyone feels it. But I’ve never had reactions like this before. In the past, I’ve done all kinds of yard work and gardening and not felt as bad as I did today. It really sucks! But at least I know to be careful and I’ll pick cloudy, cooler days to get things done.

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I was out of town for a few days, on a trip to see some family. I was concerned because I knew there was going to be some “cheating” when it came to what I’d eat - I was in the south, there was barbecue, there was good biscuits - it was bound to happen. But what actually surprised me was the fact that it wasn’t all that bad.

On keto, eating meat is never an issue, so the majority of what I was enjoying was no big deal. But, of course, along with good barbecue comes a craving for a little coleslaw, a little macaroni salad... and that’s what I had - a little. Plus, it was hot, like REALLY hot and I had a popsicle one day and a little ice cream another day (with caramel sauce... yes, basically pure sugar). But considering all the potentially horrible choices that were readily available, I didn’t go overboard. I was at an event where there was carnival food and I didn’t even want a funnel cake! 

Sure, my blood sugar readings were high for a couple of days, but not unmanageable. And even when I ate things that I shouldn’t, I felt full so quickly that I didn’t eat much of it. Plus, the morning after I got home I stepped on the scale and was two pounds lighter than a week earlier. I think I might just have a handle on this.

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Things seem to be going pretty well for me in the health category at the moment. Since starting keto almost two months ago, my blood glucose numbers have been within normal range about 98% of the time. Sure, I’m taking my metformin regularly too, but I think keto is to thank for such a quick turnaround. Plus, I’ve lost about 15 pounds already. I’ve actually bought clothes in a smaller size, which is definitely encouraging! 

I am finding that I have more energy and am just feeling generally better - no weird lightheadedness like I used to feel on a regular basis. And I’m getting used to how my body reacts to things differently because of keto. I don’t feel hunger the same way and often now when I eat a meal I don’t finish it because I recognize when the hunger disappears. Certain foods even taste different now, like my taste buds have adapted or something. But I think it’s a good thing, especially considering the results. 

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A couple weeks ago I visited an endocrinologist for the first time. That’s an internal medicine doctor and mine specializes in certain diseases, including diabetes. (Up to now, I had no reason to know what an endocrinologist was!) So the first bit of good news was that I’d lost a couple pounds since I was last at the doctor in February (because they weigh you every time!). And that’s without trying very hard. 

We had a good chat (I like him) and talked about diet. Knowing I like to research things, he suggested I look into the ketogenic diet, as it’s been shown to lower blood glucose levels in diabetics in a significant number of cases. That, along with taking metformin, will help me lose more weight, which in turn will lower my numbers more. So I’ve been reading up on keto and slowly getting into the groove of it. 

Having eaten low carb and paleo, it’s not too difficult to get used to keto. The biggest challenge will be avoiding fruit. But the fact that I can indulge in loads of cheese pretty much makes up for that! And hubby is going to try this along with me, though he’s not diabetic. So I’m trying to find meals that will appeal to him as well, which isn’t too big a challenge as long as I avoid things that are overly eggy, creamy or involve avocado!

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One thing no one ever seems to mention about diabetes is that it’s like having a second job. Between figuring out what to eat and not eat, testing blood sugar, trying to work in physical activity, paying attention to digestive issues, taking medication, researching side effects of said medication and interactions with other medications... it literally never ends. Plus, I think about it all the time.

The blood sugar testing has been surprisingly easy to get used to. A little pain and blood don’t bother me, so pricking my finger everyday hasn’t been a big deal. (I also apparently have mutant healing abilities because by the time I’ve got that drop of blood on the strip, my finger has stopped bleeding.) The difficult part is trying to decipher why my numbers are up or down on any given day. Seriously, I can eat healthy/low carb and end up with a ridiculously high number, then have a cookie and my next reading is fantastic. Of course, at the moment I’m still waiting for my medication to kick in (which can take a couple of months!), so hopefully things will stabilize a bit at that point.

I’m also mentally training myself to stay away from tempting carbs. I’ve always been a carb addict, which is why low carb eating works for me. But I wasn’t following it too strictly, especially when it came to treats like baked goods and chocolate. So now when I see cookies or muffins or any sweet stuff that might tempt me, I tell myself it will kill me. Sure, it’s a bit extreme, but not entirely untrue. And once that starts to stick in my head, the temptation will go down (at least a little... I hope).

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For better or worse, I can tick another thing off my list - this month I finally got myself a doctor. It took a little time to pick through the list of providers (via my insurance’s website) and I was fully prepared to do a meet and greet and discover I didn’t like my choice. But I like him - he’s kind of casual, easy to talk to, answers all my questions and, perhaps best of all, didn’t lecture me on not getting medical care before now.

Of course, along with getting a doctor came the joy of getting blood work, a physical, pap smear and mammogram too. I expected all of it and actually wanted it done so I at least know if anything’s going on. So I shouldn’t have been surprised to get diagnosed with something. Apparently I’m insulin resistant and officially have Type 2 diabetes. Considering my family history, it was already in the cards. 

So now I get to take a couple of pills a day, do blood glucose testing and adjust my diet. Food won’t be a huge issue since I try to eat low carb and stay away from refined sugars anyway, but I’ll need to be more diligent about it. I’ll actually end up healthier now that I know I’m not healthy! 

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I know it’s been awhile since I posted... a long while. But honestly, the last half of last year sort of sucked with a lot of deep, dark holes that took me time to crawl out of. And I’m still not completely out, but things are getting better a little at a time.

Back in the summer, my mom found out she had esophageal cancer. I took leave from work to stay with her for a couple weeks at the end of her chemo and radiation treatments. It turned into three weeks when there were complications and she ended up in hospital. It was bad... I’ve never had to call 911 for a family member. So there was a lot of stuff I had to take care of on my mom’s behalf... and I don’t even want to get into the emotional wreck I was that entire time. Luckily, after a stint in a physical rehab center, my mom was able to go home in December.

Then, as everything was calming down, right after Thanksgiving hubby ends up in hospital. Yep, second time in a matter of months that I had to call 911. He was in hospital for 10 days, a chunk of that in intensive care. So I was going to work and making hospital visits and trying to keep everything on track at home. It was exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally. 

So, as much as I needed to vent, I didn’t feel like coming online to do it. I did keep a random journal while at my mom’s... getting words down on paper did help a bit. And, not surprisingly, a multitude of good cries was cathartic. Needless to say, I’m glad 2017 is over, even if 2018 hasn’t started out all that great. But I’m here... so we’ll see.

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I don’t expect life to be perfect (you’ve probably figured that out by now), but a bit of consistent positivity would be nice. Things are complicated with the new man (hereafter known as B). Not between the two of us, but with his SO, who is new to open relationships and doesn’t seem to understand poly – either that or she’s unwilling to. She’s basically put things on hold because she’s insecure, but at the same time doesn’t want to even talk about what she’s feeling. Of course, this is second hand info because why would she want to talk to me about it, someone who’s been open for years and understands the ups and downs. So at the moment, B and I can’t even see each other – it’s like we’re grounded, which is pretty much how juvenile it feels. I’m willing to wait and see what happens because I haven’t had a connection like this with someone for a very long time. I just hate that there’s fuck all I can do about moving things forward.

Part of the point of looking for a relationship was to spend time with someone else, get out and do things with them. I’m home alone a lot because hubby has a GF he sees a few times a week. Yes, I’m an introvert, but it would be nice to have someone around to do things with when I’m up for it. So for now, I’m going to try dating other people, mostly to keep myself occupied. I’m not looking for anything meaningful from it, just a person or two I’m comfortable around and can hang out with, grab dinner, catch a movie, hit a motel. We’ll see how that feels – and how much longer I’ll be stuck in limbo.

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Not surprisingly, I never remain in a great mood for long. Nothing has really gone wrong, but I feel like I don’t have time to even think right now. There is just so much going on and I can’t focus enough to get anything concrete done. My new someone is still in my life and still makes me happy, but it’s fleeting - only when I text or talk with him or when I see him. Then things go back to the way they were. It doesn’t help that I’ve been around so many people for the past few weeks, even on weekends. I feel like I need a few days of downtime and there’s no way that’s happening anytime soon.

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​Well the good news is, I’ve been much happier lately. And I don’t think I have a “bad news” counterpart to that (for the moment). I don’t talk about my relationships much, but I have someone new in my life and he’s making things really good for me right now. Me being me, I’m waiting for something to go wrong. But at the same time I’m really hoping nothing does. So yeah… I’m actually in a pretty good place right now. Completely unexpected (especially considering my last entry), but really glad to have found it.