davidtellsall

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CHANEIL KULAR as Anwar & TOM ATKINSON as Nick Sex Education 2x06

[davidtellsall]

CHANEIL KULAR as Anwar & TOM ATKINSON as Nick Sex Education 2x06

[davidtellsall]

Hope is Dead And Gone

It’s 12:23AM, 08/05/2024, it seems like everything is changing for me and not in a good way. I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost my way, I feel like I’ve lost so much in my life, it feels like I just want to give up on life, I don’t want to live anymore.

It was midnight, I got home an hour ago from a friend’s house and I cried on the way home. I’ve lost my way, I just don’t know what to do anymore, the life I had is slowly fading into nothingness. I have everything but at the same time I have nothing to live for.

The story begins, when I feel like I’ve lost my brother from another mother, I helped him move into a new place, we were neighbors, we are close, now we aren’t living near each other, he has a new life and I’m stuck into the life I didn’t expect to have, and not in a good way. I have no job, no prospects, no relationship, messed up family, I really do feel like I just want to end it all, it seems like the only option I want now. I wish I had a clue what I wanted in life. I’m stuck. I can’t go nowhere after this rocky road I’m on; I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I was happy; I wish I had a reason to live, I need a reason to live. It’s sad but I must distance myself from a few people because I can’t keep feeling like this anymore, I don’t want to but it’s the only option I must go by.

I wish I could tell myself it will get better, I had hope but the hope is lost, I can’t keep living like this anymore. I’ve lost my way. The hope is dead and gone, nowhere to go from here. I used to be hopeful but now, it’s dead, I’m sorry I let David down. He deserved better, until then, I just hope I don’t wake up anymore. We will see what happens.

[davidtellsall]

Where Do I Go From Here? Nowhere.

“As she was leaving, it felt like breathing” is something I really want to relate to, but it isn’t the state of mind that I’m in now.

Breathing is getting tougher, days are getting blurry, heart is feeling heavier, not a lot is going on for me now. I had to let the current job go, so as of 4/25/2024, I no longer am a bus driver and it’s probably for the best, my mental health wasn’t going to last there anyways so it was probably for the best. From what I have heard about the place, it’s not going to survive or last.

Since The Tourtured Poets Department came out a few days ago, I haven’t been able to enjoy it as I should have, mostly because the 31 songs and album are sadder this time around than any album she’s put out, it’s so relatable to breakups and sadness and at the moment, I’ve just found out with the help of my therapist that the wound of my past 9 year relationship is still fresh and open. It hurts, it’s tough this time around. I am trying to move on and move past my past, I need to move on and let this wound from him heal but it’s still active and going somewhat strong. I still don’t understand how I am the one that’s struggling and trying to make it day by day while he is living his best life, its not fair that I’m the one that was put through the ringer and was the one that was hurt and abused the most and yet I must be the strong one? This is so unfair, I don’t like this outcome, it’s so f’ed up.

I have more to say about you, but that’s for the next post, I need to really express how I feel, it’s probably the only way I can handle how to deal with my emotions.

[davidtellsall]

I Thought This Was "The Last Time".

“As she was leaving it felt like breathing.”

It’s 4/19/2024, 4:41am, THE TOURTURED POETS DEPARTMENT came out, then at 2am, it became a double album, in total 31 songs. As I woke up to get orange juice and use the restroom, I opened TikTok and when I looked at accounts recommended to me, I saw one that looked like someones I’ve seen before, clicked on it and it became clear to me who it was, as I saw a video, I couldn’t breathe, it’s been so long since I’ve seen a update about you, even now, I’m wide awake and I’m probably going to go to the gym to burn this awful anxiety feeling off.

TTPD came at a good time, trying to figure out my favorites on the album, trying to relate to songs and get acquainted with the new lyrics. I don’t know why I did what I did and clicked on the profile, but I did, and I wish I hadn’t because I was okay before about the past, somewhat okay I should say, and now it only proves that I am still not okay, that seeing you will trigger me and give me anxiety even more that I’d hoped.

I’ve tried sitting on this computer trying to figure out what to write for Tumblr, a story, a life update, anything to keep up with my writing, and then I wake up and this happens. I’m wide awake now, I am somewhat calming down, I need to burn this feeling off at the gym, I might go in a bit, I got no choice, I must. I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life, what direction I am taking and what I want to do with it, what path is the right one to take and how I should be able to handle it, my future still seems blurry, and I just can’t shake it.  Why does life really have to be this way? Why can’t I just find what makes me happy and roll with it? I’m just so tired, and now with seeing you and how you’ve been lately, it only feels worse, the pit of my stomach gets tighter, and I’m just scared. I wish I knew how to save myself; I wish I knew how to continue with this awful feeling, about him, about life, about everything, I feel like I’ve been sucked into a dark place in my life again and I’m trying to crawl myself out of it. Tell me what do I do? How do I go on? Please send help, because David is still not okay and it’s 4:56am, trying to breathe.

[davidtellsall]

The Eras Tour (Taylor's Version) - setlist (x)

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Living For The Hope Of It All

The way I think, the way I talk, the way I come up with what to say and how to fight for what’s right and what’s wrong, sometimes surprises me, my words are the greatest power I have, but sometimes is it enough to win the battle?

(03/02/2024) I’m sitting in bed, listening to “August” by Taylor, wondering what my next move in life is. I got done talking to him about “us” and he had some words to say about himself, and us, I am tired, I’m not going to reply to him for tonight, I’m not going to text him anymore unless he wants to talk to me and wants me, but I doubt it will happen, sounds like I might lose another person in my life. My eyes hurt, I feel weak, finished laundry, I feel tired. I just hate how life and people have different ways of hurting us or changing the story. I’m speechless, I’m kind of done with certain people, certain ways of how life must treat me, when will it be enough for me? When can I get my big break? The good thing is that I’m not in tears about the certain situation with him. I’m grown a bit stronger from the past. It’s 11:00pm, it’s raining, and I think I might be okay, it’s something I prepared myself for. Here’s hoping I can be strong for the future and whatever comes my way.

[davidtellsall]

You're Still An Innocent

The month of February is almost over, and still, I see no change in the way I’m living and feeling. Thursday will come around and I am going to ask for more time off from work to discover myself. The good part is that I feel okay, I am not crying or anything, it’s just sadness, anxiety and depression I still feel.

(02/27/2024) Last night I didn’t sleep at all, I guess you could say I pulled an all-nighter and just didn’t bother to sleep. I just laid there and tried to sleep but TikTok got to me and so did YouTube which usually helps but it didn’t help that night for me. The lingering questions still flout above my head asking the same damn questions and thoughts. Lonely feelings I have and overcome my body for not talking to anyone, I messaged my bestie and caught up with her a little bit. Found out about our supervisor from work and how she is sick, which Is unfortunate. I also hung out with him, and we spent hours together eating and going to the store and just talking. I still don’t know where we stand but I’m too afraid to ask out of fear of being rejected but that’s life, sometimes we need to hear the truth and feelings of others and sometimes we just won’t like what we must hear. I hate the feeling of rejection from a person I’ve come to enjoy my company with but at the same time I’m kind of getting used to not having him around and if I lose this person, it won’t hurt as much, I just can’t be friends with people I have fallen for, I will have to move on. I plan to write him a letter and express all my feelings and thoughts in it for one day, I hope to read it to him just to convince him of my side of the situation and how it would be if we were to get together.

On the other hand, I’m still on the apps just to have a backup plan but let me just say, boy do I hate the apps. No responses from people, blocks, and just being left on read, goodness its just so hard dating. Just when I think I’m going to get lucky and someone I like response back to me, they leave me on read and just move on, the absolute worse. So, there’s that, let’s see how this week goes.

[davidtellsall]

The Eras Tour + pink

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The Thoughts' That Come Alive.

Depression is such a waste of an emotion/feeling, its so useless and such a pain to deal with, I have no idea how longer I can deal with it, its so annoying, anxiety too, makes me want to cry.

(02/16/2024) its 1:48am in the morning, I went out for a snack at 7/11 and came back with a few snacks and a red bull, so you know what that means? I’ll be up all night. I’ve been talking to this guy, he’s a great guy, he’s wonderful but sometimes I wonder where it will end up, I really care about him and all, but we both need to really work on ourselves. I can’t stop thinking about him, he’s the first guy I really let into my life for the first time in a while. He said we need to take things slow, and I respect that, even though I really want to be with him, I’m scared, I wish he could understand how much I really care about him since we’ve met. We’ve already done a lot and talked about so much about our lives, it’s just easy to talk to him. I know what I want out of life, I want a boyfriend, then husband if that goes well, I want to spend my life with someone, and not be alone, and share my life with someone. To be continued.

What else is on my mind, you ask? That’s if you’re asking, I have a colonoscopy on the 21st of this month and I’m kind of nervous about it, I hate having needles anything done to me, so we will see if I will pass out before they are able to put me to sleep. The new medicines are feeling like they still aren’t doing their job, for once I just want one of the medicines to work in my favor and feel like I’m going to be okay. That means it’s a trial and error and seeing when and if I go back to work like this. That’s another thing, I don’t know if I want to go back to my work, maybe find something else as a replacement but I don’t even know how to go about doing that, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know I must find something as a job. I’m just so confused about my life, I don’t know what I want to do or who to be, I wish I wasn’t alone in this.

[davidtellsall]

Never Give All The Heart.

I am back, writing on my Tumblr posts about my days and feelings. It’s been over a year since I’ve written something on my blog, only this time, it seems like the world is against me and life just doesn’t seem to get easier.

(02/07/2024) it’s 10:20, on a Wednesday night, I drank a red bull so that’s going to for sure keep me up, a lot has happened over the few months since I’ve posted something. Taylor released her version of “Speak Now” and “1989” in 2023, she won 2 Grammys for “Midnights” in 2024, she announced a new album for 2024, called “The Tortured Poets Department”, I saw her in concert for the Eras Tour in august of 2023, my baby chico passed away a day before the concert,  I’ve talked to many guys, made some new friends, lost some as well, so on and so forth.

As of now, I’m back on disability, a year since I was on it, depression and anxiety got worse again, after Tia coco’s passing. The feeling of loneliness has gotten worse, I hate being alone, I hate where I’m at my life and job, I don’t enjoy much things anymore, I just seemed to lost my way in life and I’m just as confused as ever. I have no sense of direction, the depressed feeling has just taken over my life, no signs of hurting myself, so that’s good. I’ve have been talking to this guy, great person but seems to have gone south because of my depression, not surprised he didn’t know how to handle me at my worse, its fine, I don’t expect him too, or fix me, only I can but its hard doing it alone. I just wish he would have been strong enough to help me get rid of this lonely feeling out of my system and finally have this great relationship I’ve wanted ever since I left my 9 year one 2 or so years ago, but life happens, I knew it was to good to last, dating is nearly impossible to do in this day in age, to find a great guy and all, is impossible, but somehow I have little hope that my superman will come rescue me and save me from my depression. I know I should be able to fight and handle this on my own but no one understand how hard it is to do this alone. Yeah I have great family and friends but at the end of the day, I wish I had at least someone to hold me and hug me tight, to tell me its all going to be okay, is that to much to ask? I guess it is. For now, I’m on my own kid.

So stay posted, more to come from my pathetic life and stories as I navigate this awful life.

[davidtellsall]

April 19 🤍 store.taylorswift.com

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TAYLOR SWIFT makes history as she breaks the record for most Album of the Year wins by any artist in Grammys history

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It’s a new soundtrack 💙 Here are the back covers and vault track titles for 1989 (my version) I can’t wait for this one to be out, seriously. Thank you for playing along, sleuthing, puzzling and making these reveals so much chaotic fun (which is the best kind of fun, after all 😜) 

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Taylor Swift for 1989 (Taylor's Version) Sunrise Boulevard Vinyl Edition, photographed by Beth Garrabrant

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Taylor Swift’s album covers - original & Taylor’s versions.

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albums OWNED by taylor swift