dahlgard

[dahlgard]

"Do you remember the Van?"

My father asks

"You used to sit in my lap

and pretend to drive — "

He smiles and laughs

"Yes" I say

With bared teeth

I do remember the van

Your bloody knuckles

and a broken radio

[dahlgard]

Hyper vigilance is a monster, attracted to your footsteps. It’s a beast waiting for you to show yourself putting glasses down too loudly. It’s a demon breaking from its chains when walls rattle after closing doors. It’s counting how much bread it takes to eat today, tomorrow, and save some left so what lives with you eats it instead of you.

[dahlgard]

Powerless.

I have always wanted to tell my dad

“I could kill you

I could kill you and no one would miss you

I could kill you and I have evidence

Of everything you’ve ever done

So the police would know it was self defense”

But every curse

And every broken cup

Make me feel like I’m small

And I lock it all away

Like I lock myself in my room

Shaking

With anger

One day I might kill you

I’ll make you feel fear

And every bit of pain you’ve ever made me feel

At least that’s what I tell myself

To survive until tomorrow

I could kill you

I could kill you

I’m stronger than you

Physically

Emotionally

I could overpower you with ease

I am perfectly capable of defending myself

I know I can

And I just choose not to

That’s what I tell myself

[dahlgard]

its shedding skin again and again but what lies underneath is still a devil

[dahlgard]

「immemorable」

「degenerate」

「easy to forget 」

dont worry about me, i dont need you anyway

forget about me like you always have

and leave me to the caves im in

the very ones ive made myself 

you cant let me out, nor do i expect you to

i dont need someone to come and save me from all this

not that you were thinking a-bout saving me at all

the cave is warm, the cave is cold

i dont need a savior

i dont need a visitor 

i need someone fitter than the mayfly youve become

come and go but never staying

youre too weak and youre too soft 

you wont make it here

so its better if you leave never to come back

so dont turn around and look at me

im not your abyss 

im not eurydice 

youre dismissed

[dahlgard]

there is something hollow in my chest, it seeps and leaks and fills with moths that flutter, flutter nervously, i feel them in my throat, but then you reach your hands inside me, lovingly, and cup the flutter-fluttering. 

i feel my heartbeat rest and the easing of my rattling follows with your grasp, anchoring, connecting, choking on cocoons, you’re choking me lifelessly and drop me on the floor where i will wither and the moths will flutter, i should have known better

[dahlgard]

it’s the 6th of december and i am alone

but i think ive been lonely since the day i was born 

[dahlgard]

[dahlgard]

[dahlgard]

[dahlgard]

Don’t underestimate how much I fucking hate you 

Aggression, Depression, Rapid Cycle Mania 

Even just one day this year I am filled with so much vigor 

Translate into hatred 

There is no other expression

I am brimmed with an anger that simmers and threatens 

And I dream of the day I can scream out my lungs 

Muscles tense and teeth are bared 

So really, please 

Don’t underestimate how much I fucking hate you 

Even if before I didn’t, yesterday was yesterday 

Aggression, Depression, Rapid Cycle Mania 

Hands around your throat 

It’s better if I destroy myself first 

So (don’t) give me a reason to turn against you too

[dahlgard]

in situ in utero

back from the place in which i was made

but now i can see

what a waste 

[dahlgard]

like the cicada, let out a scream want for pleasure, want for need wings stretch out and buzz in the wind without the confines of human nature freedom is always free      ( but i don’t wanna be ) wearing human skin is a skill in of itself even other people wear people-shaped masks never found out, never to be seen confined to rules, from one to another, it’s always the same      “ is this how you want to be ? ” comfort will prevail follow after one rule and on to the next but what is comfort supposed to be when all you’ve ever known is 

abandon.

[dahlgard]

in a life where i have chewed the flesh of many, it is yours that tastes most sweet, delicate beneath my touch. across all livings we have met more times than there are stars, the journey of our meeting between the galaxial spaces as endless as it was final, but even more is our love eternal, chromatic skyscrapers of the future told to the deserts that birthed archean life origin, there is no era, no time or space in which we have been apart, entwined as the spiral ladders of our very structure, our primalities intersect, woven, threaded, knitted each other into our very being, half of myself is half of you, your dreams and aspirations become mine to share with you, my earthly ideologies becomes yours as you fold into me, and together we are one 

[dahlgard]

insignificant unsurmounting 

would you notice if i vanished

designated consciousness 

forced into reality and ripped from a dream 

the walls are blank and empty as they always have been 

you never get to see me so how do you know im even really living

dont pretend to care

you arent my wellbeing 

developing a conscience for all human life 

its worthless if you care more about morality than you do a person

with your useless designated conscienceness 

dont bother with your empty words that will never be fulfilled 

id rather wither and be left to rot in the crevice than succumb to stupid words that dont mean anything but your need for feeling guiltless

thats what it always is, selfish need to ease yourself than the one in front of you

empathy and sympathy lie too close 

but i dont need your pathies

i want to finally seize myself and put this all to rest

[dahlgard]

I will swallow up sadness and drink the dewdrops of tears 

Chew on the rages and pick turmoils from my teeth 

The silverware is stained, so I will clean them just for this 

Devour my sins and transgressions 

And if I vomit them back up 

I will swallow up sadness and drink the dewdrops of tears 

And chew on my rages, pick turmoils from my teeth 

Even if it’s hard, it’s what I will do 

I will not ignore, but when there’s nowhere to retch

I will keep it all inside 

And be sure to keep them a part of me 

They are my body and my feelings 

And I will devour 

Disgust and Degrade 

[dahlgard]

carrion touch and my guts twist like a drain 

tight and tense, a lump of hatred has been made 

no matter how hard i swallow, it will still be there 

locked up and bulging 

black blood bile bursting from my veins

i can still speak, but at the cost of vomitting up my gouged out heart 

caught in the pipes, my fettered little sorrows 

tear me up inside 

all twisted and turned, churned into knots 

i can destroy what this shell is made of 

so my rotting, festered claws rip away at my throat 

that’s where my heart is 

that’s where it’s always been 

stuck, forever

choking

sputtering 

“ please, just let me breathe ” 

rip apart the voiceless box 

open up the airways 

and get rid of the meat that pumped nothing but anxieties into my soul

my blood is not mine 

but for the vultures that want it 

and my time 

so i’ll rip it from my throat 

tear myself to ribbons

just so i can breathe again 

even if it kills me