creamlacecami

[creamlacecami]

shoutout to the really anxious people who face the world every day even though it makes their whole bodies freak out

[creamlacecami]

The conversations about accountability & apologies that we've been having in social justice circles these last few years have basically trained everybody to fawn.

We've been telling people that if they are accused of any wrongdoing or of hurting anybody's feelings, it is their obligation to apologize immediately, and never to hedge, disagree, or to explain their rationale what they've done.

In their apology, we expect them to articulate every single thing that they have done that was damaging in the strongest language possible and to declare outright that they have harmed someone, often multiple groups of people, even if they are not sure of the impact (or could not even possibly be sure).

If a person's apology is anything but immediate and entirely self-excoriating, we accuse the person of downplaying the damage they have done, failing to be accountable, and manipulating others.

In this way, we've made it impossible for a person to ever take their own side lest that be taken itself as a form of wrongdoing. We have trained our fellow social-justice-minded people to believe that if they do anything but worsen the case against themselves, they are being irresponsible.

I say we, in all of this, because I have partaken in all of this rhetoric, made these kinds of criticism, given accused people this type of advice.

And I have followed it myself, often to a damaging effect.

I have taken responsibility for problems in which I truly did not believe I played a part, I've overstated the damage that I've done so as not to risk understating it, I've ascribed malice to my intentions when I knew it wasn't there, I've agreed with people's most negative, bad-faith narratives about conflicts involving me that they were not even present for, offered up information about myself that was not a third party's business in the name of transparency, apologized for things I haven't done -- and in doing all of this, I have denied my loved ones the opportunity to really hear me about what I was going through and my motivations when I was in conflict with them, things that any true friend or close associate would obviously want to hear about if they cared about me.

This aim of giving the perfect apology and taking perfect accountability has been nothing but an isolating force in my life, because it has barred me from openly entering into necessary conflict with people when our needs were incompatible or they had hurt me just as much as I'd hurt them. The fear of being a manipulative, unaccountable DARVO-er has led me to roll onto my back and expose my belly, falling over myself with panicked apologies and the most unflattering information possible cast in the least explicable light, almost outright begging for others to become angrier at me and believing that it was only way I could ever possibly be accepted back.

We've drilled into people that the way to be good and responsible is to allow people to view us as negatively as possible, to even arm others with information that will confirm that point of view, and to never insert our own perspective or needs on the matter at all.

And yeah, there are a lot of shitty people out there who dodge accountability easily because their power ensconces them from any consequences. but the primary problem with that was never that they wrote a shitty notesapp apology that used the unforgivable phrase "I am sorry if you felt XYZ." The real problem was that there was no community that held enough influence to hold them to account, and for their victims there weren't ever adequate supports or protections.

instead of addressing any of that in a remotely systematic way, we have taken to picking apart every accused person's every word and deed for evidence of inner moral failure and created a culture in which we think we can determine a person's safety by how artfully they put words together when they are under threat. and what do you know, plenty of bad faith actors and conflict avoidant cowards and people who just dont understand what they are even being accused of can do that just fine.

[creamlacecami]

You know I'm gonna be honest. I don't think all these apps really need access to my precise location

[creamlacecami]

misako garmadon they could never make me tolerate you

[creamlacecami]

i went to get a pedicure yesterday, and i was able to thank the owner in vietnamese (for context, this is why i started learning vietnamese). she said my pronunciation was very good - she understood me right away 🥹

[creamlacecami]

if i ever use the word "bitch" again i need you to use mr clean and erase me

[creamlacecami]

i am feeling so gay tonight (it's one in the afternoon)

[creamlacecami]

i am dead serious. we have seen what happens to child stars who skyrocket to fame. we have generations of breakdowns upon apologies upon corpses. what we don't have is any more fucking excuses.

everybody on here is going to be careful and respectful around this boy. you are going to hold any opinions you may have about his acting. you are going to hold any opinions you may have about anything you hear him say and do. you are going to think whatever you want. you may even have a crush on him.

what you will not do is make harmful comments to this growing boy. you will not insult him for making age-appropriate mistakes. you will not make a deity out of him. you will not put the weight of your health on his shoulders (combined with self-compassion, which you will always deserve, these tips https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/deal-with-parasocial-relationships/ can help you if you find yourself becoming unhealthily attached). you will not make any comments on his sexuality. and you will not, under any circumstances, sexualize this boy. you will either remain tasteful and/or private in expressing your infatuation, or you will seek help if that infatuation is paraphilic (https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/ has numerous therapeutic resources to prevent pedophiles and ephebophiles from acting on their paraphilias—you deserve to be here, you deserve help, and you are not doomed to offend). owen cooper's performance in adolescence has brought him instantaneous acclaim. the evening standard called it "[a performance that may be] the best debut ever seen by a child actor." i'm happy for him, as much as a stranger can be. but am i ever worried. his representatives need to look out for him. his directors and other coworkers need to ensure safe work environments for him. his family better learn as much as they can about this new world, and they better have his best interests at heart. the rest of us need to make social media a safe place for him, too.

[creamlacecami]

if any of you even fucking look at owen cooper funny, with god as my witness-

[creamlacecami]

spoilers for adolescence (2025), episode 2

what kind of person is adam that he didn't think to correct di bascome when he concluded that katie was bullying jamie? as awful as it is given what many of us know about incel culture, the latter is shown to be uninformed, and what little he does know would lead him to believe that katie was deriding jamie for being a virgin, or undesirable, and he is correct in identifying that as bullying behaviour. then again, the fact that he's hearing all these terms and shuts adam down in his confusion is lazy of him; he should have full well taken on that obvious lead, and asked about terminology that was obviously relevant to the case, instead of assuming that what he knew was enough when even he admitted that it wasn't. as a gen z, however (and, admittedly, one with biases toward authority figures of any kind), my anger lies with adam because we're clear that he does know that this isn't bullying. he knows what the dynamite symbol means, and he knows the 80-20 rule—both things i, as a longtime feminist, am not familiar with. i've heard the latter maybe once, and the former is completely new to me. yet i do know that an incel is someone falsely entitled and potentially violent. someone to stay away from. not for the sake of social status—which matters to ryan, who gave jamie the knife—but for my safety. for the safety of my friends. for the safety of other girls i know.

and adam said nothing. he told his dad that he didn't post. that the stuff on instagram doesn't effect him. but he said nothing when it came to respecting a dead girl and clearing her name when she could no longer defend herself from jamie.

it's beyond disgusting, from both of them, and it's so brilliantly portrayed in its honesty.

[creamlacecami]

I WANT TO READ ALL THE BOOKS, STUDY ALL THE LANGUAGES, ADMIRE ALL THE ART... BUT I AM JUST SO TIRED!!!

[creamlacecami]

CREATE BAD ART

[creamlacecami]

oh my gods polites those are pot brownies don’t eat those

[creamlacecami]

Not "humans are inherently good" or "humans are inherently evil" but a secret third thing (humans are inherently social animals which means that we're very good at cooperating and being compassionate towards those we perceive as being part of our community but we're also very good at being tribal and violent towards those we perceive as threats to our community and everyone defines their community differently)

[creamlacecami]

"likes mean nothing on tumblr" you're sending me a little heart. that's not nothing it's your heart. look here's one for you <3

[creamlacecami]

[about my own oc, who i created] in theory its possible she would say that, but we just dont know for sure

[creamlacecami]

i love colour seasons. too much. i want to live light spring. i want to be the best, most girliest light spring that's ever existed. i want other light springs to look at me and cry because my outfits are so perfect (but not because they feel bad - they can do it to! within their own style, and for cheap! because i'll make sure of it.). i want to sleep in light spring sheets and wake up with light spring eye bags. i want to stretch when i get out of bed and feel light spring blood pumping through my veins. i'd only eat light spring foods if it wouldn't kill me.