crawlingoutofmychest

[crawlingoutofmychest]

As we separate again, I fear it will be the final time we wish each other well. In the end I didn't matter to you, not enough. We can never go back, we will never come back from this. I hope you don't need me again, I hope you're not haunted by all you said, how you let this end.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

You took me as far as you could. Despite my not being whole. You loved me more than I was ever used to. That impact is still felt within my bones. I can never thank you enough for showing me what love could have been. I have changed so much since you, even moreso since your departure. The only part that makes me nostalgic is, I finally became the man you would've been proud of. How poetically beautiful, simultaneously devastating.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

So many questions with no answers

So many times I've been desperate to ask you

Why do you reach for me? Why do you return?

What am I to you? What do you see in me?

Will you ever love me? Will you ever choose me?

If this life was coming to it's end, would you call?

Would I be the only thing on your mind?

Or would you say nothing at all?

Was I your first real love? Was I ever anything more?

Are you scared to let go? Are you as attached as I?

Do you think of me often? Do you smile at the thought?

I am in despair, so many questions without answers

But if I asked you, could you hurt me or would you lie?

Would I be able to cope with the truth?

Would it be the death of this connection?

Would it finally force us to say goodbye?

Would it hurt you at all?

Will you search for me in others for the rest of your life?

Or could you live happily without me? I think you might

Perhaps this is all in my head

Perhaps you didn't fall

Perhaps I am wrong

And I mean nothing at all

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I never wanted to tell people my past

No matter how close we became

I couldn't be seen as a broken little boy

From a torn home, with an abusive cast

When I've fought so hard to be the man I am today

To let someone into my darkness

To pray they will see it but still want to stay

To be known so entirely

I simply couldn't do

Until you

You know the void I have inside me

A devastating need to run before you do

A longing to be loved so fiercely

That I never have to question my worth to you

You have stroked my agony

Embraced my flaws

And made my darkest parts beautiful

You have made me feel worthy of love

You have helped me feel like I'm enough

You make me want to do better, be better

I melt in the presence of your warmth

My fear disappears with you

To be elevated, to simply be wholeheartedly loved

To think, I am entirely known by you

How exquisite

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I am entirely consumed by everything that you are

Despite promises to no longer love you

To stop this feeling inside of me that radiates throughout my veins

To say goodbye, and truly mean it

You still find your way beneath my skin

Into my subconscious, into my dreams

And we dance together, freely, as though destined

We have this moment, our hands touch

Our eyes meet

And finally my love pours into you

The yearning to collide with you so strong that you feel it coarse through your veins

We become one

As we began, somewhere in the cosmos

Stardust, atoms, that have loved one another for eons

To touch so delicately with such ferocity beneath the surface

Then I wake

We are once again in parallel universes

I can no longer feel you

I fear we will never find one another again

But I will always feel this

You will be the ache in my bones until I am stardust once more

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I've spent my life trying to make others laugh

I thought it was to take their sadness away

To caress their soul and lighten their load

To bring joy and a small amount of hope

There's a part of me that weakens when they smile

That delights in their laughter

Like music that makes you dance

It heals the fragments of me that are fractured

That have spent years behind a facade of smiles

It turns out I was simply reaching out

Trying desperately to soothe the pieces of me

That I find hidden inside of them

[crawlingoutofmychest]

Of all the things you knew I was

Wreckless with love, I was not

Of everything you knew I had seen

Cautious with my heart, I'd always been

Knowing all you know, could you believe

I saw my life with you

I saw our lives merging in the most spectacular way

I know now, it isn't to be

I wasn't enough, then

But I would have spent the rest of my life trying to be

[crawlingoutofmychest]

Perhaps we will miss each other, always.

Perhaps there are little pieces of our souls that have to reach for one another, every once in a while to see if the love is still present.

Perhaps on the darkest nights we will still want to crawl this earth to be close to one another, to seek light.

But since love is felt most when it's leaving, perhaps this time it hurts so much, to finally leave me in peace.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I wish you knew how many times I've wanted to hear your voice, to pick up the phone and have your presence silence the world around me, the world inside of my head.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

My love for you is dangerous

It has torn me to shreds

Left me unhinged and desperate

Frantic and possessed

I have been rended by grief

From not being loved back

Yet I have still dismantled my soul

Brick by brick

To build a safe haven around you

So you remain unscathed by such force

In fact, I think you are oblivious

You do not know how I am engulfed

My love for you is so dangerous

It has overpowered my soul

And I have crumbled beneath the weight

Of simply not being loved back

[crawlingoutofmychest]

You weren't the light at the end of the tunnel

You were that little piece of hope along the way

That however dark or lost I became

There would be an invisible force calling me on

To brighter days, to happiness perhaps, to hope

To everything I once was, felt

I hadn't felt hope for too long

I forgot what that glimmer of excitement felt like

What looking forward really meant

You see, you spend so long in the darkness

That your eyes, your senses, adjust

They make friends with the cold, the emptiness

They may look or reach out now and then

But never quite believe there will be anything there

Eventually they accept this new world

Stumbling from wall to wall

Now you have lit the match again

I seek happiness, I seek you

I can't comprehend a life without it anymore

Or a life without you

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I would have married you, you know

A regret too hard to hard to admit aloud to you

But one that lingers, one that grows

As the days have become years too

I still miss you, you know

Although I know you were never truly mine

Despite all loves adventures

I've never managed to escape 'our' time

I still wonder if you ever think of me, of us

Of love letters never fully written

Or addressed

And a life not quite what it would have,

Or should have been

Of all the love you've found

I hope ours was the truest seen

If you ever find this note please just know

It was always you for me

In every lifetime, however far you go

I should have married you, before he

It's my biggest regret, don't you know

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I know what true love is now. It's selfless. It's compromise because you care about the other so much you don't want them to hurt. It's understanding even when you can't understand it all. It's being soft with one another in the hardest circumstances. It's being honest, open and willing to learn each other entirely. It's wanting to know every detail of their lives to understand their soul. It's passion, connection, fire within your veins. It's making their morning coffee in bed, just because. It's holding their hand in your pocket when it's cold out. Being there when it matters most. It's being friends, best friends, underneath all of that passion. It's being able to laugh together when the world feels too dark. It's facing those heart wrenching moments in life side by side. It's being at war together, not against each other. It's growing together, wanting to be better for the other.

You taught me that. Yet we never really got started. Can you imagine how much I could have loved you if we had? I know I love you so deeply because I have loved you even when you have moved on, I have loved you even when your world no longer needed me.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I lied. I told myself I could forget you. Swore to myself that this year was it, that I could recover. That I could let you go. Then you reach for me and my soul is on fire again, consumed within minutes and I'm burning more ferociously than ever before. It is such a terrible but beautiful sight to bear witness. Will you ever burn with me? I am unable to love another with so much ruin inside of me.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

I'm so scared of losing you, but you are already gone. How do I survive now, when your heart was my home? You belong to another, but I still reach for you. Sometimes I can feel your fingertips run along my spine. The way you'd caress your beloved, worn novels. I can feel the very tips of your fingers stroke my soul, but you place me back on the shelf. That feeling of 'almost', the feeling of going home with you, being wanted by you, to be so delicately read page by page by you. For you to feel my crumpled and torn pages to make your way to the end, only to place me on your favourite shelf, to be a story you want to relive, to talk about, to adore with all of your heart. What a feeling.. But I am not yours, you are not mine. But when you reach for me my heart crawls to you. And I'm so scared of losing everything he has.

[crawlingoutofmychest]

Please say you miss me, give me something to hold on to, now I can no longer hold you. I have accepted it is not me for you, it is not me who will lay beside you every night, but oh God, please say I cross your mind. Perhaps your silence is for the best, perhaps you're too happy to want to lay my heart to rest. On the darkest of nights, the quietest mornings, to the busiest afternoons, when I am alone, when I am not, I can feel my heart crawling out of my chest, reaching for you. It is unbearable, to love you so desperately with every fibre of my being, without your heart clawing its way back to me.

Please say you miss me, for I have nothing else to hold on to.