coy444

[coy444]

being the youngest sibling is like. i haven't known a life without you, and i never will. you will always be part of my life. mom knew not to make the same mistakes to me, what she did raising you. and that doesn't mean she didn't make mistakes, she just didn't make those specific mistakes. and you will never get to knew how i felt childhood. and i wont ever get to feel yours.

i remember you as an angry teen, not wanting to play with me, and yelling at mom. i ran behind her legs. you looked at me with nothing in your eyes, before running up to your room to cry by yourself.

i remember myself standing behind your door, begging you to come out to draw with me, or braid each other's hair. and i still remember when i realized you aren't busy, you just don't want to anymore.

i remember you as a teen, smelling like a cheap cologne and cigarettes. you always wore black and everything that had staples on them. you had so much eyeliner i thought you must have been trying to drown in it.

but i also remember you as the bravest humanbeing i had ever seen. you went to ask our neighbours our football back, when i kicked it over the fence. and you had so many school deadlines. and you sang in front of the whole school. wow, you were brave, i remember thinking.

and i remember you as a funniest person on earth. always trying to lift me when i was feeling down. and always cracking jokes, even though you would have been the only one laughing at them. you dried my tears with your shirt, and secretly gave me one of your candy, without moms permissions. it was peach flavored. i still remember how it tasted.

i remember you as my childhoods safeperson. you protected me when no one else was able to.

and a few years later, when everything was crumbling down, and i started to experience the same emotions you covered with the eyeliner – instead of giving me an eyeliner, you asked me how i was doing and took me out to eat at mcdonald's. again, without mom's permission.

and when a boy broke my heart for the first time ever, you were the one i called knowing i didn't have to know what to say, you'd know. you answered and you knew. you came to pick me up, we went to a drive, and you played me the same songs you listened to back then, with your broken teenage heart.

and the time when i baked, and tried to make a new cookie recipe for 3 hours straight, only for them to come out horrible — you tasted them, and just bursted out laughing. we laughed together even though i felt like i could throw the cookies out of the window, out of frustration. but you were the only one whose laugh i didn't take personally, and could just join.

and when i went to my first houseparty, secretly from mom, and you texted me: " stay safe, and hit me up if you want for me to pick you up in case something happens or you drink too much. or if you lose your friends. love you have fun". i didn't get too drunk and stayed with my friends, but i thought about you through the night, knowing i was safe even though if something would happen. mom never got to know, but you did. you always got, and will get to know more than mom.

and at all of those tiny moments, we were girls together. and you were there . it was what mattered.

i will always remember you as the teen who messed with my hair when walking by and the one who i've had my greatest laughs with. i look up to you even when i'm 67, and still baking you cookies.

you have done so much for me, and i'm so incredible sorry, for you not having a person like you are now, when you were a kid.

i love you, and i still wanna steal your clothes and eat your leftovers from the fridge and i wont ever stop wanting to. those are my duties as a little sister. you are still my biggest enemy but at the same time my lifes most important person. and still, in my eyes the coolest.

[coy444]

actually life is worth living (thought i was going insane but then spent a day with the gang (the two girls who know everything about me))

[coy444]

i saw you in the calender today. 3rd of march. i got the feeling in my toes, that you get when you almost fall down. the tingles went up to my shoulders. i arched like a cat, who is about to hiss from fear.

your birthday is coming up and i don't know how to eat anymore. i really thought i'd never be a fearful cat towards you.

[coy444]

[coy444]

“You are very intense about things” yes and I will continue to be so going into the next year!!! I’ll fall in love w strangers and write them love letters I will never send!!!! I’ll cry for hours listening to music I loved when I was 16!!!!! I’ll mourn lost friendships and things that never came to be!!!! I’ll pick up 8987 new hobbies 92727 new languages and 68194 books!!! I will not allow hurt over severed connections to stop me from loving & living to my fullest capacity!!!!!!!

[coy444]

[coy444]

[coy444]

i smoked a cigarette tonight. for the first time alone and sober.

i climbed the stairs to my room, grabbed a once used towel, and went to go take a shower. i crossed my arms to take off my shirt, and as soon as i slipped the shirt past my face, i got all the memories back from my mom. where did they came from?

i tossed the shirt to the floor.

i took those first cold drops of water to my hands, and laid them to my face.

my hands smell like my mom now.

i feel like my mom's with me tonight.

my mom. here, tonight, taking care of me.

[coy444]

i don't enjoy smoking, i don't feel the nicotine rush anymore, i don't crave it anymore and it's not even a habit.

but yet, i still smoke.

i smoke, because i feel homesick.

i don't know where i belong and how to get home.

so i smoke to feel Mom again.

when i smoke, i am 6 again and my mom holds my hand as we are walking home. i smell mom in my hands, in my sweatshirt and my jacket. tonight mom's still with me and i'm 6.

[coy444]

i'm not here i feel it, i really feel it tonight

i don't know where im going but i'm not here and i don't know where i am. mom i don't know where i am. i don't know this place or am i even real but come get me please i'm not here. i feel so scared.

[coy444]

good news: it has passed & you will never have to experience it again.

bad news: it has passed & you will never have to experience it again

[coy444]

i fear, that someday i'd get cold, and won't ever find a blanket warm, and tall enough.

my fingers and toes ache. they move so slowly and feel like they would be made out of glass. it hurts and i can't do anything about it.

[coy444]

GOALS FOR 2024

1. HOLD HANDS MORE

2. KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN

3. DON’T BE AFRAID TO CRY WHEN YOU NEED TO

4. DON’T BE AFRAID TO LAUGH WHEN YOU NEED TO

5. LET PEOPLE BE THERE FOR YOU

6. WATCH A SCARY MOVIE FROM 1987

7. KEEP BEING BRAVE

8. ALLOW HOPE YOU FIND YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN

9. BE KIND TO YOUR INNER CHILD

10. FORGIVE YOURSELF AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES

11. EAT FOOD THAT NOURISHES YOU BODY & SOUL

12. JOURNAL BEFORE BED

13. DO THINGS SCARED IF YOU MUST. BUT DO THEM.