couldasaid

[couldasaid]

Something's Gotta Give (2003)

Featured Conversationalists: 

Jack Nicholson as Harry Sanborn Diane Keaton as Erica Barry Amanda Peet as Marin 

There’s a buncha scenes in here we can do, but I’ll pick a few. Let’s see what they coulda said.

Featured Scenes: 

SCENE A: Harry and Marin end their relationship in person, but offscreen.

While we didn’t see it, we hear that Marin “went easy on him,’ but she ends up feeling like Harry broke up with her - and they were both comfortable with it. A DREAM for someone who envisions all breakups are nightmares. What feels great about it is that both folks are on the same page. Since we don’t know how it went down, let’s not make judgments on it… other than to say that brevity isn’t necessarily bad, being in agreement isn’t always the outcome, and leaving confused with who broke up with who doesn’t mean you did it well. 

SCENE B: Harry and Erica end their brief but intense fling because of Harry’s (inevitable) return to the city.  (in person and on screen)

This is a dreamy little scene. I love its sentimentality. I love the acknowledgement of their feelings for each other. I’m sure this was all made easier by the “inevitability” of it. Harry must go back to the city – and knowing this from the jump – allows them space to acknowledge the intensity, purity, and depth of their time together.

But as you’ll see from their next encounter, I’m not sure they were on the same page about what this ending meant. 

SCENE C: Harry and Erica stumble upon each other in the city shortly after they split, and an emotional conversation ensues. (in person and on screen)

Erica Barry : I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't great. Harry : Let's just calm down. I had these plans before I even met you. I mean, I do like seeing you. I do. Erica Barry : [scoff]  Yeah. Harry : I'm always surprised by it. Erica Barry : Surprised by it? What was I thinking? Harry : I have never lied to you. I have always told you some version of the truth. Erica Barry : The truth doesn't have versions, okay? Harry : Will you cut me a little slack? My life has just been turned upside down. Erica Barry : Mine too! Harry : Well, then let's just each get our bearings. Erica Barry : I don't want my bearings. I've had my bearings my whole goddamn life. I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that's like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so...? That... Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. Do you know that I've written this, but I never really got it? Do you know what this is? Harry : No. Erica Barry : [Erica kisses Harry]  This is heartbroken. How's that for impervious. Harry : You're killing me. Erica Barry : I just wish that it had lasted more than a week. Harry : Me too. Erica Barry : That is a terrible thing to say. You know, the life I had before you I knew how to do that. I could do that forever. But now look at me. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with all this? Harry : Erica. Can you wait just a second? The truth is, I... I just... I don't know how to be a boyfriend. Erica Barry : That's what you have to say after all of this? That you don't know how to be a boyfriend? Harry : That's not a small thing. Erica Barry : [shakes head]  Are we done? Harry : I don't know. Erica Barry : Oh, my God. [Erica gets in taxi and drives away]  Source: IMDB, film/character quotes

The analysis:

Oof. First, a heartbreaker. But at second glance – what even happened? 

Things I notice: 

Erica degrading herself by degrading women. No response from Harry. 

Erica is having a conversation more with herself than with him. “What was I thinking?” “What am I gonna do with all this?”

Harry is trying to stabilize the conversation.

Erica starts to communicate her feelings – and then shuts down. In response to what? How can they come back from that?

Erica doesn't say what she needs, she just expects him to understand. “That’s what you have to say after all this?”

Erica leaves the convo before it’s done. 

Now, if you knew about me, you’d know that I have a history of long breakup convos. I feel it’s important to spend that time with my partner, to process and grieve together, and to be clear on what’s happening the best that we can. Even with those longer conversations – sometimes across multiple days and touchpoints – sometimes I leave feeling as if the convo isn’t done. It’s hard to conjure up and ask for what you’ll need, to process what the other person is saying, and to communicate clearly and responsively when you are in a heightened state of emotion. But this one hurts to see. Erica thinks she is throwing it all at Harry, Harry is confused for a number of reasons, and they both leave more confused than when they started. Let’s unpack it. 

Said: Erica Barry : I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't great. Coulda said:  Erica could communicate what this “dumb” feeling means for her. Does she feel misled? Is she responding to something he did, something she perceived from him, or something this is bringing up for her internally? And please, don’t use your stereotype of other women to communicate it. It’s inaccurate and also unhelpful for understanding. 

Said:  Harry : I have never lied to you. I have always told you some version of the truth.  X Harry : Will you cut me a little slack? My life has just been turned upside down. Coulda said: I think you can see why this one is scary territory. Harry is trying to excuse his actions here, to go on the defensive - and I’m not sure he needs to. Erica hasn’t communicate that she feels lied to, unless that’s what she means by “dumb.” It also doesn’t show that Harry or Erica are hearing the other, but acting out of reaction to protect themselves from whatever harm they think the other may be about to inflict. The writers are putting Harry on the defensive in order to continue the conflict between the two characters. (And I’m a little bummed about it, because it doesn’t feel like something his character would say if not written to. The two of them have been fairly blunt and real up to this point.) Two players on the defensive makes for good drama, but bad conversation. 

Said: Erica Barry : X I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that's like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so...? That... Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. X Coulda said: OKAY SO. Erica starts to communicate how she’s feeling. (Vaguely, but she does.) BUT THEN she stops. Not only does she stop sharing what she’s feeling, she cuts him out from even trying to hear her, to work to understand. She instead intensifies her own feelings of frustration and isolation, and ending the conversation before it begins. 

Said:  Erica Barry : That is a terrible thing to say. You know, the life I had before you I knew how to do that. I could do that forever. But now look at me. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with all this? Harry : Erica. Can you wait just a second? The truth is, I... I just... I don't know how to be a boyfriend. Erica Barry : That's what you have to say after all of this? That you don't know how to be a boyfriend? Coulda said:  In all honesty, I have no idea what she is trying to say is different for her in the first line. I do see that she invalidates Harry’s feelings - “that’s a terrible thing to say” - when he agrees with her about what could be a constructive opportunity - to consider what it would look like for more than a week. But the “that” - the “I knew how to do that’ - is she talking about heartbreak? Is she talking about thinking beyond a week? I’m so confused. 

What comes next, though, is interesting. Erica attempts to take it all on herself, turns the conversation back inward, but then Harry asks her to take a second, as if to have a more constructive convo. And whether or not you think “I don’t know how to be a boyfriend” is a copout for not being willing to try together, Harry IS communicating what his internal barrier is, his fear, that thing that’s preventing him from responding differently. And we have to respect that and hear it at face value. And then, sigh, Erica cuts him off again. She’s clearly expecting more from him - but not in a way that invites his need to share his truth and to communicate openly. Whether she believes him or not, she’s invalidating his reason, his truth, and not giving the two of them space to learn what that means to him, what’s driving that belief of his. 

Now, about the “are we done” “idk” convo ending - I just have to say that this isn’t inherently a problem from my seat. Endings are confusing and hard, and not knowing is part of the process. The opportunity here, though, is to make time and space to figure it out. It appears to me they both thought they were done when he returned to the city … but here she is being written to act as if she didn’t think it was done … and then to ask but not answer the question once more. I for one would not be able to understand how to move forward if I didn’t understand where we were. Even in a breakup, you have to move forward together - in that you have to both understand what boundaries are in place. From my seat in the back of the 2003 theater, this conversation isn’t done. 

SO.  What are our takeaways?

Women are written to be hysterical, and men to be clueless. The result in society, though, is that both sides feel clueless about what happened in these convos and why they didn’t work, and that means we can do better. 

Defensiveness in a conversation cuts off the opportunity to understand or be understood. Don’t cut out the other person or preemptively shut yourself down when it’s this important. Instead of defensiveness, be curious about what the other person is saying and check for (their) understanding when you share and (yours) when they do. 

Don’t talk to yourself, talk to your partner. Don’t assume you know how they’ll react to what you’ll have to share. Give each other the chance to respond, and built the convo from there, not from your assumptions or jumps. 

Not understanding what happened in the convo is a flag for me - it could lead folks to feeling a lack of closure, and that lack of clarity can easily come back at a later time to cause conflict. 

[couldasaid]

A note on critiques, feminism, and media: couldasaid

Let me be clear. I am critiquing the writing of women, relationships, and critical conversations. I am not critiquing the women who portray these folks or resemble them in real life, and I am not critiquing the choices you and I make based on the examples we’ve been given. I believe that the film and literature industries are where we learn many of our social skills, and I’m using this space to share my challenges of those industries with you and provide you tools to navigate your lives differently. It’s important to remember: these characters and conversations are written to make millions off of toxicity, being problematic, and degrading women; I hope you’ll use this space as another input to learn and practice communicating and being, so that media fueled by conflict isn’t your only source of information and example. 

[couldasaid]

A note on the name: couldasaid

This site derives its name from the improv game “shoulda said” in which a few characters are interacting and a member of the troupe not in the bit claps their hands and says “shoulda said....” The performers have to come up with a different line in the moment that works but likely changes the trajectory of the scene. For a long time, I intended to call this site “shoulda said,” but upon reflection I discovered a conflict I have with the word “should” - it implies that there is a value attached to each choice or option. I believe that there are many paths forward at any given time, and I want to provide you with a few alternatives, not another prescribed narrative about what you should’ve done. We don’t need to perpetuate perfectionism here, y’all.

[couldasaid]

The purpose of the resource: couldasaid

I hope that this resource gives you the courage and tools you need to take on challenging conversations in your life.

On tackling tough convos: 

When I came out at 17, I knew it would take 30 seconds of blind courage to crack the door open to my life. I had to do it once, or I’d never have the courage to come out in the way I wanted, or I may never have at all. The starting was important, and it was also the scariest part. Every time I feel I have to confront a tough conversation, I feel the same paralyzing fear of not being able to start, not being able to get myself to begin communicating what I know is right for me. I hope this tool will help you be able to work towards communicating what’s right for you. 

My hopes for this resource: 

I hope that this resource gives you the little power boost, the 30 seconds of courage you need, so that you have tools to both start what has the potential to be a tough conversation and carry that conversation to the conclusion you need and want.

I hope this resource removes some of your barriers, some of those fears about having tough conversations, by building on and contrasting against the stories and characters you know well, those examples in the media that have taught you to communicate (or not). As you’ll see me say, there isn’t one right way. Any number of paths forward will get you where you need to be. I hope these rewritten examples from media will give you a few options.