correct-santa-clarita-diet

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Shelia: *planning her next meal*

Joel: Aren’t you worried?

Shelia: About what?

Joel: Well…

Shelia: Oh, fuck now I am

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Eric: Abby and I are no longer friends

Abby: That’s a terrible way to say we’re dating

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Shelia: So, don’t be surprised, but there’s a lot of blood in the kitchen.

Joel: *turns the other way and starts to leave*

Abby: Where are you going?

Joel: To get an ice cream or get committed to a mental hospital I’ll figure out on my way

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Joel: We have a problem.

Shelia: I’ll kill it.

Joel: Can you chill, for like 2 seconds?

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Eric: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship

Eric: And this gun I found

Eric: If I don’t run away trembling like the coward I am first.

Janko: *growls*

Eric: All right, time to run

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Joel: Do you think you’re going to be okay?

Eric: Sure, why not. Never been better.

Joel: …

Joel: Do you want me to carry you?

Eric: Yes

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Shelia: Guess what I discovered today.

Joel: What?

Shelia: So turns out dead bodies can get boners.

Joel: WHAT THE FUCK

Joel: HOW the HELL do you discover THAT?!

Joel: If this is an attempt convince me to become undead, I am somewhat interested.

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Shelia: When have I ever done anything rash or irresponsible?

Joel: I keep a list. It’s alphabetized. It’s a good thing to keep track of you crises and murders.

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Joel: I have a headache.

Abby: That’s you trying to understand your own stupidity.

Joel: What the hell was that?!

Abby: The truth, you just can’t handle it.

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Abby: I bought a snake, what should I name him?

Joel: You did WHAT?!

Eric: William Snakespear

Joel: …

Joel: It is TOO early for this

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Shelia: It’s been 134 days since the incident.

Joel: What or which incident? I’ve had a LOT on my plate recently

Shelia: It doesn’t matter

Joel: I really need to know which one it is so we don’t all go to jail… honey

Joel: …You’re just fucking with me aren’t you?

Shelia: Yep

Joel: Is this payback for me chaining you up in the basement?

Shelia: That and I had nothing better to do

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

sorry but there's simply not a malewife on the level of joel hammond from santa clarita diet. his wife turned into an undead flesh eating monster and he was like sweetie of course i will find people for you to kill and eat. i love you so much. i'm going to go have a panic attack.

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Abby: When you said magical in bed, this isn’t what I expected

Eric: *holds up ace of spades* Is this your card?

Abby: Holy shit

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Joel: Did you just refer to yourself as a people opener?

Shelia: Am I wrong?

Joel: No, but I don’t really want to see you in that way

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Eric: What goes up, but never goes down?

Eric: My stress levels

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Shelia: I’ve done nothing wrong. Except for eating a bunch of people. Besides that, I’m innocent.

[correct-santa-clarita-diet]

Joel: YOU KILLED A GUY IN OUR LIVING ROOM?!

Shelia: I guess it’s not a living room anymore

Joel:

Joel: *sighs in defeat* That’s a good one