corners-of-the-skies

[corners-of-the-skies]

[corners-of-the-skies]

These stars are unfamiliar.

I charted each one of them once before

But they've moved as the skies grow colder.

I thought when I grew older

I'd get used to the way colours fade

But instead I scour each leaf for a shade to restore.

I go outside wearing only my socks.

Not because I have something to prove

But because I don't realise it's cold out

My mind hasn't moved on from sunnier days

From the poolside playing with stick swords we found

As the temperature falls further, I end up on my knees.

Why even keep going? It only gets darker from here. I'll only freeze with the coming winter.

I'll never see summer again.

-Autumn Scene (25.11.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

[corners-of-the-skies]

Where were you when the last embers fell

On Thursday, the fourth of July?

I was on the lawn out front, thinking of days gone by

I stared in awe at these false stars

As they burned like suns in the sky

I wondered by this time next year

If spirit would still be alive

My country, you wear the face of your tyrants

The ones from which we were torn

Your leaders have poisoned your well of ideals

And I can't stand to recognize thee.

Your beauty is shadowed by hatred and wounds

From sea to shining sea

And each day the gaps grow further apart

Until we all drown inbetween

I'd like to think that I know how to swim

Your government weighs me like stones

Chained to my ankles from the depths down below

Too deep to cut the damned cord.

I want the courage to swim down and fight it

Your monsters that suck us all in

But alone I can't light the match that I need

To start such a fire within

If that day should come

Where we should all stand

Against tyrants, we must stand as one

The people united are needed to fight it

To save us from what is to come.

-Independence Day (4.7.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

Can you taste the blood

Of lover's heartbreak

From deep inside my wounds?

Can you hear my pleading thoughts

Through crying to the sky?

Wrap your toxic tendrils through my heart between my thighs.

Hit me with a smile, lie with silver guise.

Do you even know you've poisoned

What I once thought was pure

Then ripped away security

With romance as your lure?

My lips are sealed with peppermint

And stained with our shared blood

The well I drink from now and since

Rises still with mud.

-Broken and Back (1.7.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

Ayo guys

I gaze at stars in summer night skies

At drawings of planets on brick classroom walls

They’ve been here so much longer than I

My life is a flicker, a blink of their eye.

I bask in cosmic insignificance on Thursday afternoons

Blood from cores of dying stars

Paints the water blue

Do you love me too?

When I stare at you,

Are you staring too?

Do the Gods of the sky

Ever turn their eye

To one so small in stature?

How could I hope for love to be cast

From the heart of a being as great and as vast

While I’m still unloved by my fellow man?

While on earth I’m a spark? A grain in the sand?

I wish I could be loved enough

To know such a love from a star

Caelum warm my frozen limbs

Antares kiss all my scars

But I sit here alone

In my tub of dying stars

I long for you peacefully

Love from afar

-Astronomer. (31.12.23)

[corners-of-the-skies]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Ayo?

[corners-of-the-skies]

The sky is clear

The water is golden

I take a deep breath

Fog fills my head

Fog clouds my vision

Breathe out and it spreads

Infection within

If I drop the cigarette

Between my lips

Could I set this whole place on fire?

Could I burn the laughter that follows me home?

Make memories into a pyre?

At the end of it all

What can be done?

I'd rather just go with the flames

Let the sun dip low

On Stansbury Lake

Like it did in those months long ago

-Sunset on Stansbury Lake (7.4.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

A Melody

A name I can't describe.

Falling from your lips

An Elegy

To maim a broken mind

Falling from my grip

Light meets the darkness

But still it fails to break

Hope plants a seed

It knows will never take

And if I don't make it back

From where I've gone

Know I loved you all along.

And if I don't turn around

And come back home

Know I loved you all along.

If I don't meet your eyes

Before I'm gone.

Know I loved you all along.

When the clouds catch the trees

I drift to sleep

My mind

A simple melody

-Melody (3/4/24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

Heavens, please

Just take me home

Return my wings

To their place on my back

And let me join in the choir

Heavens, please

Call me your own

The songs that you sing

Ring deep through the black

This wayfaring soul has grown tired

-Heavens (21/2/24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

Who are you, Winter Snow?

Where children laughed and played?

I lost my mind in a lakeside tide

Locked inside a February rain

Who were you, Winter Sunset?

Your light so soft and warm

I lost my mind in a lakeside tide

Trapped inside a February storm

Who am I, Melted Winter?

My memory’s wearing so thin

I lost my mind in a lakeside tide

Whistling on a February wind

-February Rain. (2.7.24)

—————————————————

Something that’s been coming up a lot recently is the possibility that I’m quite literally insane.

Things being used by people close to me as evidence of “you need to go see a psychiatrist” are my constant bouts of dissociation, often so heavy that there will be large spans of time that I cannot recall. I’ll wake up in places and not know how I got there. I’ll say things that bring me to court with barely any recollection of what I actually said. Not to mention the constant noise from inside my head. Not sharing everything here, that’d be stupid.

I’ve heard a couple theories, some say I might be schizophrenic, some DID people say those are highly relatable experiences. It’s whatever, honestly. I can’t see anyone about it right now, my mother doesn’t believe in mental disorders and I can’t drive.

But something that was mentioned to me, was that apparently I had a very significant personality shift around middle school. I don’t remember much before then, and what I do remember is often traumatic or hazy.

Apparently this person that I was used to be a lot sweeter, a lot happier, a lot less sui/homicidal. But I’ve never known him. I wish I could have. He seems like he could have done a better job of running things.

I wonder who he was. But his identity is locked away from me. Like the recent winter being filled with rain, as if the snow has been forbidden to fall.

Locked inside a February rain..

Lol guys I get my driver’s license soon and I’m still on my parent’s (really good) health insurance for a while y’wanna place bets on what I get diagnosed with?

[corners-of-the-skies]

Tick, Tock, Tick..

The pendulum swings back

And drains away

Another drop

Of my sanity

Tock, Tick, Tock..

The pendulum swings forth

And drains away

Another drop

Of my mind

Tick, Tock, Tick..

How long must I stare?

Until it all stops?

Until I am freed?

Until next time I’ll stand?

Tock, Tick, Tock..

My mind is a prison

Yet still, I can’t move

Not until it stops

Until I’m released

Tick, Tock, Tick..

Maybe if I died

The clock would stop ticking

I’ll finally be free

From this hell I’ve been living

Tock, Tick, Tock..

But how can I die

If I can’t even move?

I can do nothing but stare

In the eyes of my captor

Tick, Tock, Tick..

I’m still so young

Why am I here?

Fixed on a grandfather clock

What’s happened to me?

Why must I keep hearing

Tock, Tick, Tock..

My mind is a prison

My clock is a prison

I long to break free.

Tick, Tock, Tick..

-Grandfather Clock (24.1.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

I used to walk to great grandma’s house

On Thursdays after school

I’d sit on her lawn and she’d tell me stories

Through laughter and gardening tools

We’d go back inside before dinner

And I’d look through all of the things

That she had gathered there over the years

From all of the places she’s seen

She’d show me through her colouring books

And read me some of her poems

We’d smile the rest of the evening away

Until I walked back home

At least that’s what I wish had been

I never knew you myself

You were just the birthday cards

And stories that they tell

I don’t remember the lilac smell

Or the hatred you felt towards mice

But if I, like them, had stories to share

Gods, wouldn’t that be nice?

So when I am able to travel alone

I’ll save a poem for Marilyn June

I’ll read it to the stone where you rest

And say “Guess what, Grandma, I can write too!”

-A Poem For Marilyn June (24.1.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

sending you love i hope things improve for you soon. you are not and would not be forgotten by the world even if depression can make it feel that way. i love seeing your poetry and it is really rough when you hit a point where it feels you've lost your creative energy, but you express your thoughts wonderfully and i hope you know that you're important and thought of with warmth and love even by strangers online 🫶

Get out of anon so I know who to hug /hj

Seriously though, thank you.

I don’t know if this was intended to actually be answered (I’m autistic lol, any friend of mine will tell you I’m bad at telling when not respond)

But I still want properly thank you. I’ve been reading this message over again for days. And I’ve loved it just as much with each repetition.

And things have been getting better. (This is going to sound like a garbage thing to put right after that sentence but hold on.) I didn’t know it yet, but the day before I posted the vent, my great grandmother, Marilyn Wilcock, passed.

I attend every funeral I can. Both out of respect for the dead, but also because I get to actively observe grief. I try to picture my friends in the shoes of the mourners. It reminds me that death isn’t what I want and that I can’t simply die or disappear without having an effect.

I didn’t know my great grandmother that well. I wish I did, but I didn’t.

Her presence in my life was birthday cards.

Now, unless you’ve read some very specific books, you probably don’t recognise her name.

But she was also a poet. She was published a couple times. I have the books with her poems in them I brought from her house.

Something about that brought me back. To the point where not only do I have the strength to write again, but I’ve been putting the effort in and trying to get published myself. (It’s gonna take a while, I know lol)

And after I could write again, everything else kinda just fell back into place.

Thanks again for the kind words. They really mean a lot.

[corners-of-the-skies]

[not a poem]

[heavy tw for mentions of depression and rants on suicidal ideation]

I never thought depression would take my poetry from me.

I haven’t been able to write for a while now. I’m a writer. That’s what I do. That’s a pretty solid part of my identity. My poetry in particular, being the most ‘me’ of any of my writings. The place where I carve out my organs for others to hold, a closer look at what I actually am. As a person. It’s also my escape. Bury myself in my poetry, nothing can reach me there.

It was also the last to fade. I haven’t been able to write much else besides poetry for probably months now. And now, I can’t even write that. I’m hardly able to put in the effort to breathe.

Around 9:30 this morning, I found myself on the ground near an intersection in my town having no clue how I got there or even when I left school.

I was so tired and disoriented. I honestly debated not getting up. Letting myself rot there on the sidewalk until either someone found me or until I woke up again in Hel’s arms.

But Gods, how long must it go on like this? How long must I stay barely alive like this.

The last thing I wrote was a suicide letter, addressed to my ex boyfriend (with whom I’m still very close.) and I ate it in front of him. He said he was glad I wasn’t going to follow through.

But what if I do? I could always rewrite the letter.

That is, if I even had the strength to lift a pen.

I’m well known amongst my peers for being positive. A ray of light. For being strong.

And after everything that happened with them, after they told me I’m a burden.

I’m finding it harder to actually ask for what I need. Or even tell anyone how bad it’s gotten.

Or even believe that they would care. That anyone would actually notice that gap in the tenor section. In the viola section. In any of my classes, really.

And this is where I find I’ve hit the bottom. Where I can’t even write my poems. Where I find myself on sidewalks in the middle of January wondering where my things are and where am I going.

I try to keep my friends smiling while I gauge the right time to finally give myself that sweet release that aches at my mind like a nicotine craving.

Walk these cursed hallways muttering to myself about how I should take out this monster before anyone else gets hurt.

I really hope I can return to this blog one day, with stuff I can actually put here.

I guess this is an official hiatus announcement?

Maybe I’ll get better. Maybe I’ll be able to write again. Or maybe I’ll die. Guess I’ll figure out soon enough.

[corners-of-the-skies]

The tear stains on my suicide letters

Appear to be given your face

The snow covers your footprints on

This long-forgotten place.

Yet I wander here forever

Death smell on my clothes

How long until the springtide comes?

Heaven only knows.

I’m constantly in search of

Something I can’t find

A torch to clear the winter chill

Some hope for peace of mind

The demons circle above me like crows.

Their cries ring in my ears like church bells

Like my mother’s distraught screams

Please, take me back to Hell.

Would my blood be enough

To restore the spring I destroyed?

To melt the winter I brought to my door

In my own forgetfulness?

-In My Forgetfulness (7.1.24)

[corners-of-the-skies]

Dark smoke over a tiny flame

(Someone is hurt and I am to blame)

Pool of hot wax drips down the walls

(I wish I could speak to no one at all)

The back of the blade burns like the sun

(recompense for harm I’ve done)

You light the room much better than I

(I’m cursed to remember the day that I died)

-Candlelight Poem (1.1.24)