confusedspaz

[confusedspaz]

Innocent

I could slice my palms,

Bloody the carpet

With dancing specks and dashes,

Like Morse code,

Begging for help.

And you,

Who broke the glass

That tears my flesh,

Would cover your eyes

And walk the other way,

“innocent”.

If I took you

By the shoulders,

With the force

That overwhelms me,

You would weep,

Like a child

After a confrontation

With the big, bad bully,

Utterly “innocent”.

I could

Dote and coddle,

Love and cherish,

Forgive and forget,

But it would not change

That you

Are never anything

But

“INNOCENT.”

[confusedspaz]

I needed you.

I needed you to be there,

But you weren’t.

Not really.

You gave your fake condolences,

Expressed your faux concern

And offered empty support.

 -

I needed you.

I needed to not fall

Back into the same old pattern.

You made me promises.

You told me we could do this;

That you would help me through it

And when I asked,

You did nothing.

 -

I have tried.

I have tried to be grateful

And patient with you.

But I’m dying.

My life is slipping away,

Falling like sand

Through my trembling fingers.

 -

I have tried.

I have tried to forgive

And forget our past.

And yet,

Anxiety chokes me

Day in and day out.

Reminding my aching heart

Of what you did.

 -

Today.

Today I pretended

For the first time,

In a long time.

I pretended I was okay,

And that I wasn’t angry with you.

I lied.

 -

Today.

Today I decided.

You don’t care,

That I knew,

But I’ll stop deluding myself.

I’ll stop acting

As if you can, or want to fix

How I am.

 -

Because I know.

I know I’m not worth it.

You know it too.

I’m an easy lay.

And you can’t convince me otherwise,

Because you weren’t there.

I needed you.

[confusedspaz]

Perfection

His eyes were beautiful and haunting.

His smile had the charms of a god.

He looked at me and I knew.

I wanted nothing to do with that empty shell.

 -

I turned back.

My eyes locked on an average man,

His face freckled,

With a scar above his right eye.

I smiled at him.

His imperfect smile looked back at me.

And it was everything.

[confusedspaz]

my body is not yours to claim

not yours to define

not yours to touch

unless the consent is mine

[confusedspaz]

My Race

What is my race?

What is it really?

What does it mean?

 -

Does it mean

That I must like

Soul Train, Jazz and Rap?

Or watermelon, fried chicken and grape soda?

 -

Or, perhaps

That I must

Drink Starbucks,

Sport leggings

And straighten my hair?

 -

What is my race?

What is it really?

What does it mean?

Is it the definition

Of my speech,

My education,

My fate?

 -

Does it mean

That I must be curvy,

And wear a weave,

And have large breasts?

 -

I’m no Sarah Baartman,

No curvy black girl,

Sorry to disappoint,

But you’d shame me if I was as well.

 -

So, I ask again.

What is my race?

What is it really?

What does it mean?

My race is the color of my flesh.

My race is my enslaved ancestors,

Whose blood runs in my veins and that of my mother.

My race is my European predecessors,

From which my father hailed.

 -

My race is my heritage,

It is my past.

That does not mean it defines my future.

 -

What it is really,

Is a means to tell me

That I am not enough.

It is an excuse to hate

To discriminate

And to mitigate my fate.

 -

It means I have the spirit

Of a hundred past warriors

Pumping through my veins.

Their strife

Their struggle

Is not mine to claim,

But it is the reason that I find myself

Here today.

 -

So, you ask of my race?

It is what you see,

But so much more.

It is the skin I wear,

But the stream of the fountain

Of history, rumbling down the riverbed

From which myself

And those to come will drink.

That is my race.

[confusedspaz]

A Promise to You

Bring to me all of you:

Your pain and pleasure,

Your secrets and fears,

Your loves and hates,

And know that I am here.

Lay your head in my lap,

I will shelter you from the storm.

A day, or two, or three,

No matter how long,

Through it you have me.

Shed your tears sans remorse,

Tell me what is wrong.

No matter how silly or futile

It may feel to you,

If you ask, I’ll stay a while.

And when it’s over,

When we’ve gotten through,

When the rain is done,

We’ll lie together

And welcome the sun.

Bring me all of you:

Your pain and pleasure,

Your secrets and fears,

Your hates and your loves,

Your quirks and your hobbies,

And get used to me being here.

Give me your hand,

As a slow song plays.

I’ll close my eyes slow,

You’ll give me a twirl,

We’ll dance through the night,

With the lights down low.

Kiss my lips gently,

Smile if you please,

Just know that I’m not leaving.

I’ll run my fingers through your hair,

Give you my blanket

And watch over you sleeping.

Laugh a bit louder,

Sing until your lungs can take no more,

Do that little dance

And know that these things

I adore about you,

And others stand no chance.

Bring me all of you:

Your pain and pleasure,

Your secrets and fears,

Your hates and your loves,

Your quirks and your hobbies,

Your past and your plans,

Because they are why I’m here.

[confusedspaz]

A flame danced in a dark room,

Your eyes followed the curves.

The fire danced in the soft wind,

Tempting you closer.

 -

A flame danced in a dark room,

Waiting to be felt.

The fire gave you the comfort you craved,

In turn, you fed the heat.

 -

A flame danced in a dark room,

Wanting to be needed.

The fire became something you wanted,

But not what you need.

 -

A flame danced in a dark room,

Its tears flecking embers.

The fire began to fade away,

You killed its core.

 -

A flame thirsted in a dark room,

Its oxygen snuffed.

The fire was almost too weak to be seen,

Nearly reduced to smoldering ash.

 -

Then, you blew on that flame,

You tried to diminish what was left.

That breath made the fire weak,

But gave it a new purpose.

 -

A flame flared in a dark room,

Soaking it with violent light.

The fire raged like the breath of a dragon,

Hot and impassioned to burn.

 -

A flame caught the walls of the dark room,

The smell of burning flooded the space.

The fire fed upon the new materials,

Leaving ash in its wake.

 -

A flame burned down that dark room,

Then the whole damn house.

The fire reached the sky with new power,

Proclaiming itself to the world.

 -

A flame raged in the pale moonlight,

Then suddenly reduced in size.

The fire let off smoke and ash,

Revealing me to your eyes.

[confusedspaz]

A Thief

Fairytales are fictions and food for fools.

Love is no different.

 -

You committed to lies and larceny.

I believed it.

 -

I thought I was the danger and the destructor.

My mind tricked me.

 -

My eyes couldn’t see what would come.

I was just too blind.

[confusedspaz]

You & I

You looked my way,

A grin on those perfect lips,

And I knew.

I knew that you were something else,

Something special,

Something to be cherished.

 You told me the truth,

Even when it hurt,

And I knew.

I knew that you would always be honest,

No matter the mistake,

No matter how I might react.

 You kissed me quick,

Shrouded in darkness,

And I knew.

I knew that I’d wanted you,

Your hands on me,

Keeping me warm and happy.

 You wanted my truth,

The good and the bad,

And I knew.

I knew that you were my safe place,

The one I’d searched for,

The one I’d never truly found.

 You fell asleep on my shoulder,

Holding me even when I was sick,

And I knew.

I knew that I didn’t have it in me to wake you,

To disturb the most peaceful you had been,

Destroying that moment.

 You put your hands on my body,

Feeling the mountains and canyons,

And I knew.

I knew that I could stay there with you forever,

Your scent swirling,

And I could have listened to you call me beautiful forever.

 You taught me what it was to miss someone,

To want to feel them near to you,

And I knew.

I knew that all I wanted to do was lay beside you,

Wrapped in your arms,

Listening to the rhythm of your heart.

 You made me want you and only you,

Despite the destructive parts of my mind,

And I knew.

I knew that no spiral or breakdown,

No other infatuation,

Would come close to what I found in you.

[confusedspaz]

My Mind, My Body

My mind is a menace

My body is a wreck

Every morning is my penance

Every day is a fruitless trek

 My thoughts run wild

My heart grows cold

Every compliment seems mild

Every reassurance grows old

 My mind is my enemy

My body is its target

Every love is so empty

Every connection was a gamble, a bet

 My mind is a menace

My body is a wreck

Your love seemed harmless

Your presence had yet to take effect

 My thoughts are of you

My heart might yet thaw

Your thoughts linger on me too

Your kisses leave me raw

 My mind is my enemy

My body is its target

You might just save me

You might fix me yet.

[confusedspaz]

Reflections of a Selfish Girl

I met a boy and he was good

I told him things and he understood

He made me smile and he made me laugh

He looked after me and I was sure it would last

I met a boy and he cared

I told him things that made me scared

He told me I was beautiful and that I was kind

He respected my choices and envied my mind

I met a boy and he was great

I told him things and he shared the weight

He gave me love and he gave me hope

He kissed me and I felt like I could float

I met a boy and I wish I never had

I told myself I would never make him sad

He introduced me to a vice without even knowing

He was broken because something within me kept overflowing

I met a boy and I broke his heart

I told him the truth was we’re better off apart

He said he understood but I saw it on his eyes

He knew from my face that it was filled with lies

I met a boy and I did him wrong

I told myself I would make him feel like he belonged

But I couldn’t help myself from reaching for the forbidden fruit

Grasping and clawing for an objective I know now was moot.

[confusedspaz]

there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator

[confusedspaz]

I hope whoever ends up w me enjoys my 10 alarms 

[confusedspaz]

Download the Wish app and use promo code jwdlrzv on your first order to get up to 50% off! Get the app here:

[confusedspaz]

Anyone wanna get in an argument with me

[confusedspaz]

(via No Light, No Light)

[confusedspaz]

Minerva be like:

the well known Harry Potter cycle

Step 1: thinking Snape is a bad guy

Step 2: thinking Snape is a good guy

Step 3: realising as you mature as a person that Snape was actually a terrible person after all and was an abusive bully who didn’t grown out of this stage even into his late 30s and an obsessive person who thought he was entitled to Lily just because she showed him friendship and no matter how many bias memories of his you are shown you will never see him in any different way 

unfortunately some people are still stuck in stage 2