chuckle-clips

[chuckle-clips]

Schlatt: I’m gonna name my first kid Cigar.

[Ted and Tucker laugh]

Schlatt: Or Gay Porn [Laughs].

Ted: Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

[chuckle-clips]

Matt: That was the first time we ever met, yeah. 

Ryan: I was watching him like set up the bit, too.

Matt: Now look at us. 

Ryan: We’re— 

Ted: Wow. 

Matt: Sorry, there’s a little tension sometimes. 

Ted: There is a little bit of tension. 

Ryan: We’ve gone a bit without kisses, and usually it’s—

[Matt and Ryan kiss]

[Charlie laughs] 

Ted: There’s nothing wrong with that. 

Ryan: I feel better now. I’m a little more energetic. 

Matt: Are you shocked my two men kissing, Charlie? Is that upsetting to you?

Schlatt: Wow. 

Ted: There’s nothing wrong with two men kissing, Charlie. 

Charlie: No, I just— I mean—

[chuckle-clips]

Ted: I would maybe even… hire a witch, perhaps? 

Charlie: Well, now you’re just getting ridiculous. 

Schlatt: This will never happen, Ted. 

Charlie: Ted. 

Schlatt: What the fuck is your problem?

Charlie: You’re insane, man. Witches aren’t real. 

Schlatt: Are you okay?

Charlie: Witches aren’t real, dude. 

[Schlatt chuckles]

Charlie: What the fuck?

Ted: Neither are indestructible snails. 

[chuckle-clips]

Ted: Is there any sort of engineers code that would prevent you by moral code or law to create a—

[William and Charlie exclaim]

William: That went high. 

Ted: Why are you doing this— 

Charlie: Damn, you got range on that. 

Ted: Schlatt, both of the things that have happened in this studio— What are you doing? Stop. Don’t. Don’t. You’re gonna lose some serious points with me if you do that, sir. 

Charlie: You gotta stop. You have to— We’re— This is why they’re props. 

Ted: I’m not— I’m not fucking around. I’m not fucking around. 

Schlatt: Imma lose some points? 

Ted: You’re gonna lose some serious points with me, Schlatt. 

Charlie: It’s everywhere, man. St— Oh my god. You wouldn’t. 

Ted: Dude. 

William: Do it. 

Ted: You’re being like a baby right now. Like, you’re literally like— you’re like slamming on the table—

Charlie: Do it. If you do it, do it into the mic. 

Ted: You’re slamming on the table, you’re squeezing sauce bottles…

Charlie: Like they hear you suckle the teat of the— of the ketchup bottle. 

Schlatt: Talk— Talk more about mise-en-scéne for a second, Ted. 

Ted: Okay. Alright, I know what happens, so—

Charlie: Oh, fuck me. 

William: Well no, don’t suck on it, you gotta like shoot it in your mouth. 

Charlie: Oh, fuck me. Oh, genuinely screw this. 

Ted: I’m asking— I’m asking Schl— I'm asking William about something right now, and Schlatt decided a little bit too much time had gone out without it being about him and he had to start squeezing bottles and stuff and slamming on the table like a baby. 

Charlie: Absolutely fucking unbelievable. 

[Schlatt, Ted, and William laugh]

Schlatt: You got it, bro. I got you, no, I got— 

Ted: Oh, Charlie. Oh. It’s probably just oil. 

Charlie: What? No, it’s mayo. 

Ted: Like yknow it like— you know how mustard separates. 

William: But it was just poured into it. 

Charlie: No, it’s mustard. 

Ted: Yeah, I guess that’s true. 

[chuckle-clips]

Schlatt: Maybe the meaning of life is being present with other people that make us happy.

Ted: Oh yeah, for sure.

Schlatt: And are there for us and have our back.

Ted: Oh yeah. I’ve got your back, Schlatt. Do you have mine?

Schlatt: Oh… yeah. Yeah.

[chuckle-clips]

Schlatt: That’s true, it is fucked up. I start from the top though. I like— 

Ted: Oh, What?

Schlatt: I like the curvature— What? 

Ted: I don’t know, I just don’t like it. 

Charlie: What, this? The hook? You start at the hook? 

Schlatt: Yeah. Yeah.

Charlie: I break off the hook. 

Schlatt: You don’t eat the hook? 

Charlie: No, I eat the—

Ted: How are you sucking on that? Are you sucking on that like a…

Charlie: I don’t throw away the hook. I just, I break—

Schlatt: I enjoy the curvature. 

Charlie: I yank and break the hook, and then I have it as a separate piece.  

Schlatt: No. No you don’t. No you don’t. 

Charlie: Yes I do. Yes I do. 

Schlatt: I unwrap the top of the candy cane, and then I start at the hook. 

Ted: How are you sucking on it, Schlatt? Are you sucking on it like you’re a fucking fish that got caught?

Schlatt: I put the thing in my mouth, and I run my tongue along the hook, along the curvature. 

Ted: Don’t say you’re running your tongue, dude. I don’t wanna ever hear you say you’re running your tongue again. 

Schlatt: I’m being honest. 

Charlie: Can you show me? Can you show me?

Schlatt: That’s a comically large candy cane. I can’t— 

Charlie: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 

Schlatt: This— We haven’t invented—

Charlie: It’s not that much bigger. 

Schlatt: Charlie, we haven’t invented this yet. 

Charlie: Slightly above average. It’s only slightly above average. 

Schlatt: It used to be a regular one— You have a regular one. 

Charlie: I don’t know what— This is the same candy cane I’ve always had. 

Schlatt: Yes you do! You do!

Charlie: This is the same fucking candy cane.

Schlatt: There’s a regular sized candy cane on your desk right now!

Charlie: I’m sorry I don’t fucking swim around like you in a Christmas swamp until I’m fucking— 

Ted: Oh, I’ve missed this. 

Charlie: Snagged by a fucking hook, dude. How do you do it? 

Schlatt: You can fit— You can fit the candy cane in your mouth—

Ted: It’s true. It’s true. 

Schlatt: From the curvature. From the top. 

Ted: Charlie’s demonstration there—

Charlie: No, the width— the width is too high. The width is too—

Schlatt: That’s bigger than average!

Charlie: Are you insane? Are you crazy? Are you doing this in public? You fucking freak!

[chuckle-clips]

Charlie: I want you to do one more thing for me. 

Ted: Oh yeah? 

Charlie: If you’re gonna ask me to roll out the red carpet. If you’re gonna roll it out to me… Can you ask me the question? 

Ted: Oh. Schlatt, take it away. 

Schlatt: [Sighs] Okay. 

Charlie: I’ve never— I’ve never been on this— this side before. 

Ted: Well actually, I mean, you— when— upon the original asking, technically—

[Charlie shushes] 

Ted: We— you and I, Charlie, were on the receiving end the first time he said it. No? No? Okay. Never mind. 

Schlatt: I don’t remember that. 

Ted: Yeah.

[Charlie inhales]

Schlatt: Charlie. 

Charlie: Schlatt. 

Schlatt: Look me in the eyes. 

Charlie: Look me in— You got it. [Laughs]

Schlatt: Would you rather…

[Charlie inhales] 

Schlatt: Have unlimited bacon…

Charlie: Mhm. 

Schlatt: But no more games. Or, games, unlimited games… but no games. 

[Charlie breathes]

Schlatt: Are you okay? Did you just cum in your pants?

Ted: Seriously, it looks like it was like an ethereal experience for him. 

Schlatt: Did you just cum in your pants? I think he just came in his pants, Ted. 

Charlie: I just ‘nogged myself. 

[All laugh] 

Schlatt: That’s it? 

Charlie: Yeah. 

Schlatt: Are we not gonna get an answer? 

Charlie: I don’t know! I don’t know! You know what? You know what, guys? You know what? I think I’d— I think I’d probably have to go with— Oh! No! What’s that?— [No audio] 

Ted: No, Charlie, no! 

Schlatt: Please ans— Please answer, please! Please!

Ted: Charlie! Charlie no! No! No… no… no…

Schlatt: Oh man. He died again. 

Ted: Geez. 

Schlatt: Shit. 

Ted: Wow. 

[chuckle-clips]

Ted: Schlatt, what’s your Would you Rather?

Schlatt: Would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more games, or games, unlimited games, and no games. 

Charlie: [Laughing] Completely incomprehensible. That was so nothing. 

Ted: What? What does that even mean?

Charlie: [Laughing] That was absolutely nothing.

Schaltt: Would you rather have unlimited bacon [laughs]

Ted: You don’t know what you’re talking about right now.

Schlatt: Unlimited bacon…

Ted: You are off the rails. 

Schlatt: But no more games. No more games.

Ted: Are you reading off of something, where is this coming from?

Schlatt: Or games, unlimited games. 

Ted: What?

Schlatt: But no games. 

Ted: Why are you committing to it? Why aren’t you clarifying?

Charlie: Would you rather have three bacon and no game?

Ted: Or one game and thirty bacon? How many bacons will you need before you lose all your games? 

Charlie: I pick the games. Bacon’s fine but I don’t like want a ton of it. 

Schlatt: You know what I’d pick? Unlimited bacon. ‘Cause that way, next week, we can have another Chuckle Sandwich podcast. 

[chuckle-clips]

Schlatt: Yeah, I feel like religion is… when it’s forced on people, that’s the quickest way to make someone not religious. It’s like a city slicker having to live in the city their whole life and then wanting to move out somewhere quiet. Or, a rural head, little farmer boy, living in a farm his whole life, wanting to move to the big city. Yknow, you want the opposite of what was forced upon you. 

Ted: Yeah, that’s usually how it goes. Usually it’s opposites, yknow?

Schlatt: Yeah. Yknow, you’ve been fucking pussy your whole life, maybe you want to try something new. 

Ted: Was that related to what we were talking about or are you just saying that?

Schlatt: Huh? Hm?

Ted: Alright, Tucker, what’s the next one?

[chuckle-clips]

Matt: Can I have some of this?

Schlatt: Yeah. 

Charlie: Well, Supermega, we got a little bit of a sandwich going on we like to sort of build it up throughout the—

[Matt gags]

Schlatt: It’s like really bad. 

Matt: No, I— It’s good, I was laughing at what he said. 

Charlie: No, are you done?

Ryan: Hey, this is cute, okay, but…

Ted: Hey. Have some respect. 

Charlie: Just please, we try to be serious here, and just— for once, man— just for fucking once, be real, like with us here. 

Ted: Here in this place. 

Charlie: Okay?

Matt: I’m sorry. Genuinely. 

Charlie: Thank you. Thank you. We are the Chuckle Sandwich, Ted is the butt loaf. 

Matt: The what?

Charlie: He is the butt loaf. 

Schlatt: Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. 

Matt: Like the butt end of the bread? 

Charlie: It’s like the ends of the bread, man. I don’t understand. 

Schlatt: Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. 

Charlie: I’m… I’m the meat. 

Matt and Ryan: Yeah you are. 

Matt: Jinx. You owe me another kiss. 

Ryan: Okay. 

[Ted and Charlie laugh]

Ted: This podcast—

Ryan: Why is that funny? 

Schlatt: There’s nothing funny about that. 

Matt: Why— Yeah, two men kissing is funny— It’s so funny isn’t it. 

Charlie: I think it’s funny how you’re being so disrespectful while we’re trying to ask you a freaking question. 

Schlatt: I’m the mayo. 

Ryan: It’s disrespectful for two men to show their love for each other? 

[Charlie laughs]

Matt: Two best friends to enjoy each other’s company. 

Schlatt: I think it’s fine. 

Matt: In such a straight way, too. 

Charlie: What part of the sandwich do you wanna— what part of the sandwich—

Schlatt: I— No, listen. I respect it and I would love to watch you do it again. 

Matt: You wanna kiss?

Schlatt: No. You two. 

Ryan: You wanna watch us do it a third time? 

Matt: We’ve— I mean, we’ve kissed a lot of— We try to kiss as many other Youtubers as we can. 

Schlatt: Well, I’m not—

Matt: You can watch on video, there’s—

Ted: I was holding Ryan’s hand earlier. 

Matt: We’ve kissed Maxmoefoe, Chad, Twomad. 

Ryan: It felt like more like I was holding your hand, though. 

Matt: Markiplier. 

Charlie: Woah. 

Ted: No no no no no. 

Schlatt: You kissed Markiplier? 

Matt: And Jacksepticeye. We kissed Jacksepticeye on the lips. 

Ted: Really?

Charlie: How was that?

Matt: We’ve kissed a lot of Youtubers on the lips. We kind of— 

Charlie: What was your favorite? 

Ted: Yeah, what was your favorite? 

Matt: Jakob from Offcanny. 

Ryan: He has very—

Matt: He— His lips literally like—

Ryan: Perfect. 

Matt: When we kissed, it actually like… I was like, that was a really soft kiss. And I could’ve gone for more if it was off camera. 

Ryan: Real talk, it was pro— it was legitimately thats the best kiss I’ve ever gotten from a Youtuber. 

Matt: It taste— It tasted good too, he had like cherry lipgloss on. 

[chuckle-clips]

Schlatt: Would you rather be transported to Among Us and be sussy, or…

[Charlie laughs]

Ted: Oh no.

Charlie: That one! That one! That one!

Schlatt: Or not be transported to Among Us and not be sussy.

[Charlie and Ted laugh]

Ted: Is that real?

Schlatt: Yeah. That was the top one in controversial this month.

Ted: That’s literally the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

Charlie: Wait! Go to the comments! What do they say? I need to know.

Schlatt: Most people say they don’t wanna be sussy.

Charlie: What?

Ted: They don’t wanna be sussy, huh.

Charlie: For what— For one— What is it? Two in ten of all of those people have to be sus. That’s how it works.

Schlatt: Some of them are.

Charlie: That’s how it works. Schlatt…

Schlatt: Yeah?

Charlie: This is rather— I think it’s rather sus that you’d bring this question—

Ted: Yeah, that was a little sussy of you.

Schlatt: Just a little— I’m a little sus, yknow.

Charlie: This is a little sus.

Schlatt: Nothing wrong with being a little sus from time to time.

Charlie: [Robot voice] Among Us.

[chuckle-clips]

Schlatt: If time comes for me to take another shot, I’ll get something else, okay. 

Ted: The time is now!

Schlatt: I just took— I just took one! I just killed the bottle!

Ted: Fine! But I’m pissed. 

Tucker: Okay, here it comes—

[chuckle-clips]

QT: When was the first time you saw porn?

Schlatt: Middle school. 

QT: What happened?

Schlatt: I looked it up, I think. 

QT: What’d you Google?

Schlatt: I think I looked up… boobs. 

Ted: Yeah. Mine was definitely a similar thing where it was just like, boobs. 

QT: Did you clear your history search?

Schlatt: No, I had a… I didn’t have a smart phone or an iPod or anything, I had a 3DS. I was using—

QT: You looked it up on your 3DS?

Schlatt: Yeah. 

Ted: You looked up porn, your first porn, on a Nintendo 3DS?

Schlatt: Yes, it was on a Nintendo 3DS, might’ve been— no, it might’ve been a DSi. It was probably the Nintendo DSi. 

Ted: I was gonna say— I was gonna say, if it was on the 3DS, that must’ve been an immersive experience. 

Schlatt: That would’ve been a fucking sick experience. 

QT: Just start screensh— drawing on it. 

Schlatt: Woah! 

Ted: You’re like, “whaaat”?

Schlatt: Nah, it was the DSi. 

Ted: Yeah, that would’ve screwed you up. 

Schlatt: Yeah. 

[chuckle-clips]

William: Cheese? 

Charlie: What do you—

William: Grilled onions?

Charlie: I— We could use a little grilled onions. 

Ted: Ooh, grilled onions. Schlatt doesn’t like grilled onions. 

[William gasps]

Schlatt: No, I don’t like grilled onions. 

William: Are you serious? 

Schlatt: No. 

Charlie: Are you gonna cry about it? Are you gonna cry?

William: What about raw onions? I love grilled onions! 

Charlie: Can we get a couple of each, maybe?

William: Yeah. 

Ted: What’s your— Okay, so if you had to choose a place to get a burger from, or a sandwich— 

William: Oh this is gonna be a— This is gonna be a fight. 

Charlie: Guys, you were talking about the onions, and now he’s—

Schlatt: [Crying] You said grilled onions and I was just like— Why would you— [sniffles]

Charlie: You guys know what happened. 

Ted: Well, I was just thinking that when I think of grilled onions, I think of Five Guys. 

Charlie: It’s okay, it’s okay. Ted, stop. 

Schlatt: Stop, man. 

Charlie: Stop, man. William, go ahead. 

William: Well, I’m afraid to talk about onions now. 

Ted: You guys are like a married couple right now. 

Charlie: It really is. 

[chuckle-clips]

Charlie: So Ludwig, yeah, what we typically ask to guests when they come on is, we’ve got a little bit of a sandwich here, as you know.

Schlatt: This is the Chuckle Sandwich.

Charlie: Don’t breathe on it too much. And we’re all sort of parts, different parts of the sandwich. So for instance, Ted is butt loaf.

Ludwig: Uh-huh.

Ted: Hello.

Charlie: I am the meat. Schlatt—

Schlatt: Mayo.

Charlie: Mayo.

Ludwig: Right.

Charlie: If you had to pick, if you had to be a part of the sandwich, which you are.

Ludwig: Okay, you guys are getting slowly further away from me, it feels like.

Charlie: No, no, we just wanna know.

Ludwig: Yeah.

Charlie: We just wanna know.

Ludwig: If I—

Charlie: Project.

Ludwig: If I had to be a part of the sandwich, with of all you guys tightly close together—

Charlie: Well, that’s—

Schlatt: You—

Ludwig: I think I would be the melty cheese— ‘cause there’s not one part of it I wouldn’t get on.

Schlatt: No, no! No, no.

Charlie: That would get— That kind of gets everywhere. Maybe—

Ludwig: I would get on— I would get on every part—

Schlatt: You don’t have to do that.

Charlie: Maybe we keep it cold.

Ludwig: That’s the thing about me, I like getting—

Ted: Wow.

Ludwig: I like getting on everything here.

Schlatt: You can be the side of fries, maybe.

Charlie: Oh, that’s good, yeah.

Schlatt: And stay away.

Ludwig: Well, no no no no no.

Charlie: In a different bag, sort of.

Ludwig: If I’m cheesy fries—

Charlie: You could maybe be a second— Maybe a second order that we put in afterwards.

Ludwig: Then we’re putting this on the sandwich itself.

Schlatt: No, no. You’re not going on the sandwich.

Ted: You could potentially be a s—

Ludwig: Call it a California burrito.

Charlie: Maybe a— Maybe a spear pickle that we gingerly pick up and toss away.

Ludwig: If I’m a pickle, I’m spearing all, that’s what I’m saying.

Schlatt: Maybe you can be the receipt.

Ludwig: Well…

Ted: Maybe you could be maybe a side order of coleslaw—

Charlie: And we can ask to not have you.

Ted: That they put in a little plastic tin that you forget about and it stays in the car for a couple days and wilts.

Ludwig: You’ve hurt me, gentlemen.

[chuckle-clips]

Eddy: I’ve been acting real strange lately— You’re just going for a full sip of the thick water?

Charlie: It’s just water, theoretically. 

Eddy: Right, but I feel like ‘thick’ should remain in the description for it. 

Ted: Cmon, It’s just thick water. 

Schlatt: It’s just thick water. 

Eddy: I’ll just take a sip if you guys are taking a sip, I mean…

Schlatt: Mmm… That’ll be— That’ll be… fun going down. 

Ted: What do you mean? 

Schlatt: No, it’s just… it’s water. It’s water. 

Ted: It’s already down, baby. 

Charlie: It’s just water. It should just be water. 

Ted: Schlatt, I don’t think that you could chug that as well as I could. 

Charlie: Yeah, I gotta give this a little swirl. 

Schlatt: I gave it a shot already. I know I’m not good at it. 

Eddy: So we have to know how Ted gives it a shot. 

Schlatt: We have to know how Ted— Ted, you just walked into volunteering yourself to chug thick water. 

Charlie: Oh fuck, I actually aerated it and it got worse. I did a little thing for the mic and if you— Oh, fuck off! Oh, fuck off! You’re— that’s— No, no no no no no no no no no! 

Schlatt: Oh, shit!

Charlie: What the fuck! What the fucking hell dude. 

Ted: It’s not that hard, Schlatt. 

Eddy: Ted. 

Ted: You walk around like a little baby, all day long. And all I gotta do is just chug some thick water? Give me a break. 

Charlie: I’m gonna borf all over the set. 

Eddy: I have to imagine while he’s being real confident, he’s freaking out inside. 

Schlatt: Oh yeah, he’s freaking out. His body is freaking out. 

Ted: I’m not! It was fine! It was weird to— it was weird to chug it, but it really wasn’t that bad. 

Charlie: If there was ever a thing, yknow after all these bits, that would send you to hell, for real, that would be it. 

[chuckle-clips]

Ludwig: No, I know Schlatt’s particular ‘cause of his food preferences too, it’s— ‘Cause I can’t tell if he likes something for a while. Have you guys gained that talent?

Ted: So, Schlatt’s a very interesting character because like he even sleeps looking like he’s angry.

Ludwig: Yeah.

Ted: Like, I— He was sleeping on the couch upstairs in the Game Grump office, and we were tryna like get his attention ‘cause we were going—

Charlie: This was actually the context of when the hotel was booked as well, and I was too scared to wake him up.

Ted: Well yeah, ‘cause he— when he sleeps— when he sleeps, he’s like this, he’s like…

Ludwig: Yeah. Like cute position, but so angry.

Ted: Yeah, and you talk to him, then he’s like [grumbles]. It’s terrifying. It’s like trying to wake up a sleeping giant.