chronicpessimist09

[chronicpessimist09]

As someone who loves regulus black but left that abusive home even though my siblings didn’t it hurts. Am I even allowed to be sad? I don’t know if I’m allowed to be a bit heartbroken that he didn’t make me a hat, or that my sisters got expensive thoughtful presents and I got two of the same thing from both parents that put together cost half of what they got from him and a quarter of what they got from our mother. I don’t know if it’s allowed to hurt so much that he never tried to message. I don’t know if it’s allowed to hurt me that he doesn’t give a single fuck but it does. It hurts me so much. And all the time. I know it’s my choice I get that. I really do. I swear. But it hurts so much. And I don’t even know what I want. I don’t want to speak to him but I want him to care he can’t. Does that make me a shitty person? I genuinely don’t understand why he chose to have me. Fully intentionally. At 29 years old. He couldn’t care less about me and that hurts. I knew he didn’t as well. I knew he didn’t care. I knew he was abusing me. And it still hurts so much. And it never stops. I don’t think it ever will. And I can’t tell if I’m being an ungrateful little brat for being upset with my gifts but I’m so fucking sad. I got an Alexa one old, one new. My sister got dms and my other one got an iPad. I got both I asked for. I had the worst Christmas of my life and nobody cares. I wanted to die. Not even just intrusive thoughts, I genuinely didn’t want to live. Because living hurts so fucking much. It hurts when he speaks to me and it hurts when he doesn’t. It’s been a year and I can still remember the marks on my skin. My stomach and hips had his fingers pressed into so hard it bruised. Nobody knows that part. Nobody cared when I got so scared of saying I was full I was gagging nearly throwing up. Nobody cared I was so scared of having to eat there I lost blood circulation in my feet. She tried to make me go back for Christmas. Said she felt bad. I know she doesn’t understand half the shit he did but surely me sobbing having a panic attack because I didn’t want to go at 6 fucking years old would be a sign. But no. It almost feels like rape. It wasn’t. He never did cross that line. He played on it absolutely. But never crossed it. I don’t know what parts I’m making worse in my head. I can’t remember some. It’s like my brain know I’m not strong enough to remember it. It’s just blank. I can’t remember what he did or didn’t do and I can’t tell if that’s better. It wasn’t never rape or sexual. I don’t even know if it was assault. It feels the same trying to describe it. Nobody believes me. Nobody understands what it was like. More people are on his side than mine. My own mother feels sorry for him. She’s on his side. She’s so supportive until it’s her child. Until she actually has to deal with it. Then he’s fine because his kid stop talking to him. Phone works both ways right? He told me that. I was 7. Didn’t even have a phone yet. The irony is not lost. I didn’t block his instagram. He didn’t try every social media he has me on. Didn’t care enough. His daughter wasn’t important enough to check more that two apps. I ran into him once. He tried to apologise. Wasn’t really an apology though. In his exact words: “I’m sorry your not responsible enough to deal with it”. That was enough for my mother apparently. She’s been trying to get me to speak to him for ages. I hope I never do. I don’t understand why she doesn’t believe me. It’s been a year and it’s still hurts like it did when I left. Blocked him on everything and left. It’s still a fresh wound that people constantly pour salt into. It’s been a year and I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting. So no. Sirius was not wrong for leaving that house. Regulus was not wrong for staying. Neither of them did the right thing but regulus couldn’t leave and Sirius couldn’t stay. And that’s something I hope you’ll never understand. (Sorry for that rant just feel like shit)

[chronicpessimist09]

Right update:

Less suicidal

Haven’t cut myself in days

Have eaten a bit

No longer really sick

Going to a party tomorrow

Will NOT drink

Will remember my grapes this year

My cousin threw up so if I catch that tomorrow all this will go to shit and I will kill my self

[chronicpessimist09]

MERRY CHRISTMASSS I have a temp of 38.7 and my sister threw up I’ve cut myself once and high key want to dieeee

[chronicpessimist09]

Guys it was my bday yesterday I’m fifteen my stupid motherfucking aunt decided to let me watch her very obviously very ill kids so guess who’s really ill on her bday Christmas Eve and Christmas

[chronicpessimist09]

Hey guys someone please tell me why I want my wrist to bleed so bad I can’t feel anything I can’t cry I can’t breathe I don’t even know why but I want to scratch my skin until there’s enough blood on my hands to cry I don’t understand why I feel like this and I don’t know why god won’t make me better like he’s ment to because what did I do to deserve this

[chronicpessimist09]

Added another chapter to my fic “the aftermath” by “your_babe_tori” was called “*a very good title*” on AO3

[chronicpessimist09]

Added a new chapter to my fanfic “*very good title*” by “Your_babe_tori”

[chronicpessimist09]

GUYS OMFG BRADLEY (HEARTSTOPPER)SAID HED MARRY ME IN A TIKTOK LIVE WTFFFFFFFF

[chronicpessimist09]

IM SO PISSED OFF MY BARSHKA LEG WARMERS HAVE HOLES IN AND THEY WONT DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I BOUGHT THEM IN STORE TWO DAYS AGO

[chronicpessimist09]

Added a new chapter to my fanfic “*very good title*” by “Your_babe_tori”

[chronicpessimist09]

2 hours I’ve been waiting I might as well kill my self

[chronicpessimist09]

Guys Istg SHOUT is so useless I need help I’ve been waiting for an hour

[chronicpessimist09]

Guys my brother threw up in the car and Istg I’m not okay bc I’m terrified I’m gonna get sick and I’m scratching my arms and it’s not helping and I think maybe I want to die and yeah but basically I’m terrified rn

[chronicpessimist09]

Just wrote a knew solitaire fanfic on ao3 it’s called “*very good title*” by “your_babe_tori”

[chronicpessimist09]

Guys why does nobody talk about how hard it is losing step parents? My dad cheated on Beth three years ago and I still miss her. She was my step mum for over seven years so it’s normal i guess but I don’t think it should hurt as much as it does. Like I get that my dad just hates me. It’s like a fact of life you know but I thought maybe Beth would still wanna speak to her ‘child’ even if she hates my dad too. I don’t know I just hurts I think I’m just having a hard day. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. (I won’t)

[chronicpessimist09]

Guys idk why but I just feel really sad all the time no matter where I am it just feels like it’s getting really bad again and maybe I should die. Also my sister told my mom she felt suicidal and I completely forgot that it’s not actually normal to want to die all the time. Like not that I’m going to die or anything but I just feel like I wouldn’t mind so much if I did yk.

[chronicpessimist09]

Trump voters on tiktok are EXTREMELY mad about the following:

They just found out what tariffs are

They just found out what denaturalization is

They (particularly black and Hispanic trump voters) just found out that other trump voters are racist

Leftists and liberals don't want to be their friends (they are furious about this)

Leftists keep telling them they hope they get what they voted for (they are really mad about this too)