childhoodmeetsfromsoft

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

The Dolor Of Her Sin

AN: Alright. You guys like the serious stuff. Well, now that we have a better idea of Melina's backstory (albeit with some theories I subscribe to), here's my take on her, played straight. To the tune of "Colors of the Wind" from "Pocahontas" (We open with the TARNISHED resting at a grace in the Mountaintops of the Giants. MELINA watches from a distance) MELINA You think I am only your maiden And because you're strong and graceless I guess it can be so But though I can agree That the tarnished one is thee There still is yet so much you do not know You don't know... You think the crown's a prize to lay your hand on That Lordship is a conquest you can claim But I know what you're facing in the future All depends on my vision of a flame You think the only evil that is evil Is the evil this world has put you through But you know not the darkness or the danger Or this thing, you'd never do, you'd never do You have never seen a dream die In a God's cocoon Or asked what really is the price to win Yet I will burn to fix the choices of my mother For she is tainted by the dolor of her sin She is tainted by the dolor of her sin I sharpened all the knifepoints of the Godskins A Gloam-eyed queen not merry, with no mirth That ended when my mother's black blade found me And the price that I pay, I know its worth The Starscourge and the Serpent are my brothers I watched all of their triumphs and mistakes For we were all imprisoned by our mother In a circle, in a ring that never breaks How high will her golden tree grow? I must burn it down, so we'll never know I will make the golden dream die It will be unhewn For what can be must beat what's always been And I will burn to fix the choices of my mother For she is tainted by the dolor of her sin I will burn the earth, until With your order's birth, I will Cleanse the taint that is the dolor of her sin

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

With the Mark of the Light

AN: And now for something completely different. Our boy Mohg beat the allegations and we should celebrate.

To the tune of "In the Dark of the Night" from "Anastasia" (MOHG stands triumphant in the land of shadows alongside VARRE and ANSBACH)

MOHG Through the mark of the light I was crazy with yearning And the man I became was as bad as can be It made me flip all my lids I don't even *like* kids But just blame the enchantment, 'cause that wasn't me! I was once the most traumatized kid in the sewers When my mother confined me she made a mistake What made me feel safe and warm Was one little God with no form And I only led knights of blood for her sake! VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light Evil defined him Through the mark of the light It was a con MOHG The sweetest defeat: ALL Allegations are beat! VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light MOHG I was gone! MOHG Though the players once cowered, opinion is turning Now they know that my bro-loving past was a myth Though my coolness was once denied Now raise my standard in pride Now my dynasty's who they're side-- --ing with! VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light It wasn't like him MOHG (spoken) Being a pedo is gross! VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light He came unglued MOHG 'Cause of the vow It's Radahn's problem now! VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light MOHG I was screwed VARRE Through the mark of the light Evil defined him ANSBACH Mind him! VARRE 'Twas the mark of the light, It wasn't true! ANSBACH Doomed him! MOHG My brother's a swine And hell no, he's not mine VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light Through the mark of the light (Bloodflame wreathes MOHG as he sings the next lines) MOHG Come, my purebloods, rise for your master Make blood flow like wine VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light Through the mark of the light! MOHG Kill, invade, and sew more disaster VARRE and ANSBACH Through the mark of the light Through the mark of the light Through the mark of the light MOHG Now I'm fine!

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

The Golden Glow

Author's note: Since y'all liked a more serious take on this page, consider this a seriously unfunny take on the backstory to the Lands of Shadow.

To the tune of "The Plagues" from "Prince of Egypt" (We open as MESSMER burns his way through the Shadowlands, with MARIKA watching. His SOLDIERS chant as they work, their voices rising in a chorus) SOLDIERS With Messmer's flame, with Messmer's flame With Messmer's flame, with Messmer's flame With Messmer's flame, with Messmer's flame With Messmer's flame, with Messmer's flame MARIKA Since you have murdered all my people SOLDIERS All through the Lands of Shadow We bring a war unfit for song Into your house, into your bed We hear you rail, we hear you wail, We take your heart, we take your head We sack your tower, and your churches and your field And you will break upon our keep where the base serpent is concealed We send the blame We send the shame With Messmer's flame (As they fight, MARIKA stands in her village, gazing at a portrait of MESSMER) MARIKA Once I was your mother Once I thought the chance to save your life Was all I ever wanted SOLDIERS We will impale your sculpted men, we will send fire raining down MARIKA And even now, I wish that I could choose another Leaving you to endless unknown strife Is a choice that leaves me haunted SOLDIERS Impaling all who live again, in every village, every town (MARIKA casts her Minor Erdtree) MARIKA This was my home They brought pain and denigration Now they're on the losing side All the innocent who suffer Are avenged with genocide SOLDIERS From all who live and yet are safe, you will be veiled by a screen And all your screams will then be silent all across the Lands Between Face mother's wrath In mother's name Through Messmer's flame MESSMER You who I call mother, Who to spare, now say, how can I know? SOLDIERS Face mother's wrath in mother's name! MARIKA Seek the golden glow SOLDIER In Messmer's flame! In Messmer's flame! (We cut to MESSMER as he has just been knocked into his second phase by the TARNISHED) MESSMER You who I called mother How could you have come to hate me so? Is this what you wanted? (The echo of the SOLDIERS' chanting echoes throughout the chamber) SOLDIERS We send the blame We send the shame MESSMER Then watch the serpent loosened For if my role's to strike a killing blow This will still be so I'll spare none without the golden glow SOLDIERS Of Messmer's flame! Of Messmer's flame! (The memory of MARIKA sings along with MESSMER) MESSMER (MARIKA) I will defend your (my) golden glow!

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Hunt Radahn the Dissembler

NOTE: This one's not going to try to be funny. I already did the funny version of Miquella, but this time I decided to lean into how terrifyingly evil he actually is. Enjoy. To the tune of "Once Upon a December" from "Anastasia"

(We open in MIQUELLA's Haligtree, as the demigod himself instructs MALENIA to kill Radahn so that he can marry him, despite Radahn's unwillingness) MIQUELLA He thinks he'll Hold the ring? Bring him cause to remember He swore he'd be my King Hunt Radahn the dissembler I'm the sun but you're a storm Soon we'll beat mother's golden swarm I am waiting patiently To lead my family (We watch as MALENIA tries desperately to kill RADAHN as the chorus of Cleanrot Knights sings in the background. Then we see ST TRINA falling down the stone coffin rift as she joins in. Eventually, though, we cut to the Realm of Shadow, as MIQUELLA summons Radahn's soul to place it in Mohg's body) MIQUELLA I will make them all conform When we beat mother's golden swarm I will strip the agency Of all my family Loyal blade, all will know You're the one family member Who allowed me to glow Brighter than mother's ember And you brought me my king Rise, Radahn, the dissembler

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Sadder

To the tune of "Badder" from "Disenchanted." (Imagine, if you will, if MARIKA and MIQUELLA could actually have the long-overdue mother-son talk they need after the DLC) MARIKA Please don't think that you cause me any fear Hiding behind your boss fog MIQUELLA Sorry, were you speaking, you're hard to hear 'Cause you have no lines of dialogue MARIKA Trying to be tragic, you're worse than Mohg Just a twink with BPD BOTH All of your excuses for going rogue Won't get sympathy Your backstory's sad, But mine is so much sadder MARIKA Really, you are only naughty MIQUELLA And you're just a has-been, a cashcow for Vaati Midra got it worse, 'cause he's in pain and madder BOTH My backstory's so much sadder than yours! MIQUELLA Sure, the Shaman's fate was regrettable But you experienced none of it Trauma just by proxy's forgettable Plus your revenge was racist, evil shit MARIKA For your twin, you should have had greater care Waiting for you, frail and sick Your age of compassion just left her there While you chased Radahn's dick! BOTH You can claim you're sad But my life's simply sadder Really, you should just kowtow, now You can't equal me as a little meow-mow MARIKA You're a virgin meme, and I'm a Chad, but Chad-er BOTH How can you think your life's sadder than mine? Nobody ever would prepare to cry MIQUELLA For mass murder! MARIKA Or for a rapist and liar. You're NAMBLA but backwards MIQUELLA You're Hitler with tits MARIKA So divest yourself of life! MIQUELLA Climb in a jar, bitch! BOTH It's time you were calling it quits MARIKA (MIQUELLA) This compassion phase really made you bomb (Genocidal ways really made you bomb) You are not right in the head (You are not right in the head) MIQUELLA IT IS NOT A PHASE, GOD, I HATE YOU, MOM! MARIKA Mmmm, Miquella you're grounded, go to bed. MIQUELLA The stone coffin fissure, I'll toss her down! MARIKA I'll smash his great rune like the ring BOTH And when he (she) is gone I will own the crown With Tarnished (Radahn) as my king His/her life's sorta sad, but mine is so much sadder That is why, to save my order I will have to see that he/she yields the path forward Once I sit alone atop the Elden ladder Then the lore obsessive fanbase Will totally be in my thrall Until, like Sif, they find they can't face The very, very saddest of them all!

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Hornsent Rap

To the tune of "Batty Rap" from "Ferngully" (We open with the moment when the TARNISHED meets the HORNSENT in the Gravesite Plain. FREYJA motions them toward him) FREYJA (spoken) Oh, another thing, did you speak to our dour little friend? If you've yet to do so, have him give you a map of the crosses' whereabouts. They are Miquella's footprints. (The TARNISHED approaches the HORNSENT and the music starts) HORNSENT Yo, the name is Horny The history is thorny The shamans we were scorning Put us in mourning My path is unswerving My swords ain't girthy You might be Miquella's, but you ain't worthy I was done for The trashy whore's Godhood's what we're clashing for. With my ash of war I'm a crashing bore Cause wounds by the dozen Just like Waterfowl's cousin Yo, and did I mention I want vengeance? I'm Horny (spoken) Seems to have no effect, master. "GET ME ANOTHER ONE. GET ME ANOTHER SHAMAN." (sung) She used and seduced us Bled and traduced us For her Godhood she only used us So here my horny word And exercise a little prudence When dealing with Numens (spoken) "Lord Hornsent, another prisoner. Tooth whip. More lashes, Thomas. Remove the prisoner's flesh. After about 600 lashes to the back, the shaman seemed to exhibit some ability to meld with a series of convicts' penises. I said orally. Increase the volume on the Lamenters'...we're losing her. Get me another one, get me another Shaman! Strap him down, if he resists, impale him. Impale him! IMPALE HIM! DON'T IMPALE ME. Seems to have no effect, inquisitor. Thank you, Grandam. Why don't you ever call me?" As you see, the Shamans don't really feel pain. THEY JUST GET USED TO IT! (sung) 'Cause I fight for the horns To vengeance I'm sworn Til Marika mourns With post-traumatic stress over my dark fate And race hate Postcoloni- al bologna Justifies my acts For Marika's groaning I'm Horny FREYJA Horny, Horny HORNSENT I'm Horny FREYJA Horny, Horny HORNSENT I fight for the horns and my history is thorny I'm Horny FREYJA Horny, Horny HORSENT I'm Horny It's my horny rap (spoken) "Use the greatsword of damnation, idiot! He's just a shaman!" (sung) My horny rap (spoken) "Make sure the teeth in the whip are diseased" (sung) My horny rap FREYJA Who's Horny? HORNSENT Moi

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Spiny

To the tune of "Shiny" from "Moana" (We open on the TARNISHED entering BAYLE the Dread's arena, with IGON behind him. BAYLE looks up at them and starts singing) BAYLE Well, this old dragon is a massive fucking deal I used to break every drake once Then Placidusax made me a three piece meal But I'm not pitiful, baby Did your maiden say, level up your stats And dodge and roll with each new try I need three moves to tear her argument apart And then you die Because I'm too spiny I'm a middle finger plus a vigor check LOL get wrecked Because I'm so spiny And next to my hitbox you are just a speck Save your neck And just go You're so dumb, dumb, dumb Chasing healthbar-having critters Beginners And so you come, come, come To the lord of firespitters You're such winners I just love good grub And you should get good, scrub

IGON (spoken) CURSE YOU BAYLE! I HEREBY VOW-- (BAYLE lazily crushes him with one claw and picks him up) BAYLE Well, well, well, little Igon's making trouble in this bout You fake mistake of a drake warrior, oh, What a terrible performance, bail out (get it?) You don't shoot me like you used to, man And yet I have to give you credit for your schtick And your revenge-driven design At least I would, but you stole that from Moby Dick Now suck on mine It's huge and it's spiny Like my hitbox, which is half the fucking map It's a trap My trap is so spiny Like this fight, you are a broken piece of crap Now get clapped, Igon man You can try, try, try But you can't expect your arrow war To beat a pterosaur (look it up) You will die, die, die Now it's time for you to curse my name And close the game Go touch some grass and abandon your console. Defeat of Souls bosses won't make you accomplished. Your skill is just cap Like that dumb Ahab-cosplaying sap Loser! Cope and seethe and get all whiny 'Cause my moveset is so spiny You can't dodge it 'cause it never ends you see Can't beat me, little flea I'm too spiny Every move I get another AOE Just for free You'll never be quite so spiny Your hitbox isn't quite so spiiiiiinyyyyyy! (The TARNISHED stabs him in his rear claw and his health bar ends) BAYLE Fuck.

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Messmer's Flame

To the tune of "Toxic Love" from "Ferngully" (We open on MESSMER as he leads his armies to purge the Land of Shadow) MESSMER (spoken) Mmmm...death. Mmmmm...smoke. Mmmmmm...fire. Oh, oh! (sung) Wartime crimes Genocide Dogs that chew on those who've died Death around me Death in my name You're embraced by Messmer's flame Messmer's flame I see this land and all the Hornsent in it I'll kill 'em all, there's not a way to spin it Marika's Godhood, it's how she did begin it And I've no choice, that's why I simply wallow in it I feel good, a special kind of horny Power is sweet, though no one here will mourn me Nobody can escape the darkness I'm dispensing Serve me murder, well done, with sides of ethnic cleansing They will drown In the blaze Pouring down Like ends of days All that's cruel All that slays Dying now as Messmer's prey (We cut to the present day, when the TARNISHED walks into MESSMER's chamber) MESSMER Mongrel intruder, you've a price to pay that's steep: Revenge for all these years locked in this keep I won't allow a Lord who is devoid of light So you'll be in my jaws and swallowed with one bite 'Cause mommy might be cruel, but she gave me a hand With my infection beaten by her Erdtree brand And so to keep the Shadowlands weak and divided I burn a path of doom, with my sharp spear to guide it I hit one time, I hit twice (The TARNISHED hits him) MESSMER Oh! Ah! Ohhhhh, no more being nice. Soon my spear, it will pass Eighteen inches up your ass Snakes inside me Snakes are my shame Now bow down to (oh, oh, oh) Messmer's flame!

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Light, Light, Light

To the tune of "Mine, Mine, Mine" from "Pocahontas" (We open after MARIKA walks through the gate of divinity, as she speaks to her forces, led by MESSMER) MARIKA The great horn-decked beasts, The fell God's great ruin Will seem like failed visions Next to what we're doin'. The order I'll build Will dwarf them by far And because I am mad, you see, I'll burn the Scadutree Light, men, Light up the Hornsent And burn, men, Burn them to crisps Grab a pike, men, Strike, men Shove in a shotel Unbottle that bodily fluid That flows when you fight For gold and the light, light, light! MARIKA'S MEN Burn, and burn, and burn 'em and burn And burn, and burn, and burn 'em an... MARIKA For Bonny, Bonny For Bonny, Bonny, Screw Hornsent culture For Bonny, Bonny, For Bonny, Bonny, My rage is loosed For Bonny, Bonny, For Bonny, Bonny, They'll face the vultures And I will be ruling the roost MARIKA'S MEN And burn 'em and burn 'em and burn... MARIKA They tortured my kind It's not that I'm bitter 'Cause they will go blind When they see how I glitter And with genocide, They'll find I'm no quitter Those fingers who awed me Will queen me, no, God me! My heart's light, light as a feather It's light work, killing them all With these war crimes, Sure I'm Glad their pain lingers My dear friends the Fingers Knew what I would do with the might 'Cause murder makes my heart light! MARIKA'S MEN And burn, and bur, and burn, and burn 'em and burn, and burn, and burn, and burn 'em and burn! MESSMER Mother does love me, but my birth defect distressed her She plucked out my eye and her iris means I need not fight So now get ready to face eighteen inches of Messmer When you're gored on my spear That's shoved up your rear Just know that you're getting off light MARIKA Keep on killing, men! MESSMER Light! MARIKA (synonymous with below) Their blood's spilling, men! Light, men, light, Light up their world Burn down the world MARIKA'S MEN (synonymous with above) Fight in this mother's war There'll be no other war Burn! Burn! And burn 'em all Burn! Burn for the queen ALL (except MARIKA) To reward her Order MARIKA Pile corpses high, men And make them all die, men, For my world of gold and of spite MESSMER So give me your blame... MARIKA They'll face their old shame... MESSMER And in Messmer's flame... ALL None will be the same! MARIKA (MARIKA'S MEN) So worship the name...(Hornsent's true reward's) Of...(Being put to the sword) Light...(My pulse racing) LIght...(As shadow is facing the...) Light! (Burn, and burn, and burn 'em, and burn, for Bonny, Bonny, we'll burn!)

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Mom Like Me

To the tune of "Friend Like Me" from Aladdin. (We open in Count YMIR's chapel. He is educating the TARNISHED on the lore) YMIR Well, when the Hornsent butchered Shaman town And then stuck 'em in the bonny gaol Then Marika rose up and took the crown Without knowing she was doomed to fail She thought the power of the Fingers ruled That they were speaking for the Greater Will And yet the truth was that they all were fooled And that is the hard-to-swallow pill For I know Metyr Their mom, I fear, Made up the rules, you see And the thing that's gonna blow your mind Is they should've had a mom like me TARNISHED I'm sorry, what the fuck? Bro, you stand up to pee YMIR I'll fix that with a glintstone nip and tuck 'Then they're gonna have a mom like me Yes, sir, I pride myself on learning Every scientific law And to become These fingers' mum I don't even have to wear a bra My body was type A, I'll respec to type B They'll be my brood TARNISHED You're crazy dude YMIR And they're gonna have a mom like me! (A chorus of WALKING HANDS joins in) WALKING HANDS Ma ma ma YMIR Oh yeah WALKING HANDS Ma ma ma TARNISHED No, no! WALKING HANDS Ma ma ma YMIR Ha ha ha It's gonna be great! Can your mom do this? (Casts Carian Retaliation) Can your mom do that? (Casts Miriam's Vanishing) Can your mom cast this (Casts Carian Phalanx) With a high Int stat? Can your mom go BANG! (Casts Comet Azur) Well, lookie here, Can your mom use Bells to Awaken Metyr's form, and then respec with a Silver Tear? So don'tcha sit there, slack-jawed, buggy eyed 'Cause it's what I know I have to do My body's gonna be re-genderfied Like the coffin out of Dark Souls 2 Because we're really just stardust, given form And the Greater Will has gotta go And that must start with Greater gender norms And then I will be the God like so, and oh Metyr, Their mom, I fear, Is a loss, but they'll agree, One Glintstone tome, And mommy's home. Then they're gonna have a mom, Gonna have a mom Then they're gonna have a mom, Gonna have a mom Then they're gonna... Have a... Mom...like...me! WALKING HANDS Ma ma ma! YMIR Ha ha ha! Then they're gonna have a mom like me (The TARNISHED stabs him) YMIR Hurk!

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

"My Ass"

To the tune of "Journey to the Past" from "Anastasia" (We start in MIQUELLA's memory of his "proposal" to RADAHN) MIQUELLA (spoken) Lord brother...I'm going to be a God. If we honor our part of the vow, promise me you'll be my consort. RADAHN (spoken) Bro, what? You are literally a child. Also I think your sister's hotter. Later. (He walks off. MIQUELLA watches him, fuming) MIQUELLA (sung) Heart, you've failed me now Trina, I divest you When I'm God, it now is clear People always say That consent's important But it's not as cool as fear With charms, his wishes I'll bypass He can't spurn me or my ass (We transition to MIQUELLA walking through the Land of Shadows) MIQUELLA Somewhere down this road He and I'll be dating Brainwashed consorts can't go wrong Arms will open wide I'll be safe and wanted With a Lord who's kind and strong With all the power I'll amass He can't spurn me or my ass Home, Love, Family I divest it all My mother's age will end Good bye, family 'Cause no yaoi is complete without his boyfriend Some call this a crime Some might call me pushy But I must rule with my bro Can't be as I was With my Miquelussy Will compassion run this show Some might call it malign But when I'm divine That will make them kiss my ass And get me laid At last

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Take the World

To the tune of "Kiss the Girl" from "The Little Mermaid" (We open in Midra's manse. MIDRA is, as always, screaming in agony. A chorus of WINTER LANTERNS -- or aging untouchables, if you prefer -- is assembled outside the manse. MIDRA looks out the window at them with dread) MIDRA Concussions... Screams... Wails... Words... Dear Nanaya I endure another day For an end I always pray But my wife, I can't doubt her But the frenzied flame It cries out in my name: "Let chaos take the world" This is dire My resolve is almost through Oh, Nanaya, what to do? How I wish I could ask her To be Lord I failed And I've been impaled Should chaos take the world? WINTER LANTERNS Shalalalalalala My, oh my Come on, give in and die Let chaos take the world Shalalalalalala Don’t be sad ‘Cause if you just go mad You gonna bake the world

(The TARNISHED walks up to the manor, looking bewildered) TARNISHED I lost Torrent I lost every fucking rune Better find a boss fight soon No time would be better What's that scream I heard? MIDRA Bro, it's not preferred If chaos takes the world TARNISHED Hahahahahahahaha I'm not scared And you will not be spared MIDRA You'll make it take the world! WINTER LANTERNS Shalalalalalala Don't feel dread Pull off your fucking head Let chaos take the world (The TARNISHED stabs MIDRA) MIDRA Oh, no! WINTER LANTERNS Shalalalalalala Just escape And give in to the grape Let chaos take the world MIDRA No, no! WINTER LANTERNS Shalalalalalala Rise and slay And make the world your prey Let chaos take the world Let chaos take the world MIDRA Won't let it take the world WINTER LANTERNS Go on and take the world! (The TARNISHED lands a finishing blow) MIDRA (spoken) Fuck it.

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Can You Feel the Hug Tonight

In celebration of Vaati’s most recent video, I had to make this. (To the tune of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” from “The Lion King”) We open with the TARNISHED walking into FIA’s room at the Roundtable Hold. ROGIER and D look on disapprovingly.) D I can see what’s happening. ROGIER What? D That Tarnished doesn’t see. ROGIER Gee.  D She gives a hug, and here’s the bottom line: Good bye to Max HP. ROGIER Oh, the foul caress of death blight... It’s more than most can bear, But with her necromantic atmosphere, At least she seems to care (We see the TARNISHED kneel down as FIA wraps her arm around them) FIA Can you feel the hug tonight As I squeeze out your breath I’ll use your warmth To bring back harmony to those who live in death TARNISHED Oh yes, please hug me, mommy I lost my runes, you see That boss at Stormveil’s gate? Impossible. He keeps destroying me. FIA You know, the Golden Order’s The cause of all this strife But if you help me find Lord Godwyn’s corpse I’ll fuck him back to life TARNISHED (spoken) Wait, what? FIA tightens her hug. FIA Can you feel the hug tonight? The Erdtree’s shibboleth Has wrought a hell of perfect cruelty For those who live in death TARNISHED (spoken) You know, I just wanted a hug, not a sociology cl-- FIA Can you feel the hug tonight? You are so very warm... TARNISHED What the fuck? Her hugs have made me woke About social norms... (In the other room...) ROGIER (sadly) ‘Cause when you feel her hugs tonight Your HP goes limp But that’s not all, your dick controls your brain ROGIER and D In short, our pal’s a simp...

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Oh I Just Can’t Wait To Be Killed

Since Elden Ring won GOTY, It is only right that I devote one of these to the most important character in the story -- the player! Enjoy.

To the tune of “I Just Can’t Wait to be King” from “The Lion King”

(The TARNISHED steps out into Limgrave for the first time. VARRE and the TREE SENTINEL are waiting for him.)

TARNISHED I’m ready now to fight and kill And stream it all on Twitch VARRE Well I’ve never seen an Elden Lord who doesn’t have a bitch TARNISHED I’m gonna vanquish every boss No, I won’t have to cope I’m rushing up to fight this guy, I bet he’s easy--

TREE SENTINEL NOPE!

VARRE You’re doing great, kid, getting your blood spilled TARNISHED Oh I just can’t wait to be killed! VARRE (spoken) You’ve rather a long way to go, young lambkin. But I can...

TARNISHED (not listening) No one saying “fight this” No one saying “go there” No one with a fetch quest Bosses that are all fair TREE SENTINEL IS THIS FAIR? (It slams the TARNISHED into the ground. They respawn looking completely happy.) TARNISHED Tortoises are dogs, I say VARRE (spoken) ...Do you know what you said? TARNISHED No one tells me how to play! VARRE I think it’s time Before you die You learned the PVP (The TARNISHED dies to the TREE SENTINEL) TARNISHED I don’t need advice From any stinking NPC VARRE If this is who Queen Marika will marry, I have doubts But my service to the dynasty Requires I watch this bout. (The TREE SENTINEL smashes the TARNISHED AGAIN) TARNISHED Argh! VARRE This guy’s just gonna die, quest unfulfilled TARNISHED Oh I just can’t wait to be killed! (A montage ensues of the TARNISHED fighting their way through the game’s bosses, or rather dying to all of them repeatedly until they -- somehow -- lose) TARNISHED I’m just gonna dodge left (MARGIT smashes him) TARNISHED I’m just gonna dodge right (RADAHN crashlands as a meteor) TARNISHED I’m just gonna brute force Every single boss fight! VARRE (head in hands, spoken) Oh God... BOSSES This Tarnished really must be quite strong-willed To fight us when he is so damn unskilled So why do we keep dying to his build?! (The TARNISHED kills Mohg. VARRE stands, openmouthed) VARRE (spoken) No fucking way. BOSSES Oh, it was our fate to be killed Oh, it was our fate to be killed TARNISHED Oh, I just can’t wait to be killed!

VARRE (spoken) Fucking Souls players.

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Be Repaired

To the tune of “Be Prepared” from “The Lion King” (We open in the Erdtree, where RADAGON is trying frantically to put the Elden Ring back together, the music punctuating on his hammer swings) RADAGON I know that my children’s dissension Is a fight for the Elden Ring’s clout But there will be no new ascension I’m putting them in a time out It’s true, I and Marika’s powers Are waning in earthly affairs But when the Ring’s back to being ours, Only pronouns we’ll need are your prayers I’ll repair what my wife tried to ruin I’ll repair all the power she used Though Godfrey won’t fear her He’ll never get near her My children won’t feature For they cannot reach her My kids’ plans are thwarted My wife’s plan, aborted For the Tarnished by thorns are refused Elden Ring, by your servant red haired, By repaired! GOLDMASK (spoken) Yeah, be repaired! The ring will be repaired! Um, with what? RADAGON (spoken) With the mending rune of perfect order! GOLDMASK Why, is the order not perfect? RADAGON It will be. And when I’m finished, Marika, will be too. GOLDMASK But with a perfect order, who needs a ring? No ring, no ring, ha ha ha ha ha ha! RADAGON Idiot! There will be a ring! GOLDMASK But you said... RADAGON I’ll forge the ring. Stick with me, and you’ll never be tarnished again! GOLDMASK Alright! Long live the king! Reforge the ring! Reforge the ring! (Sung) Yes yes yes yes yes yes Return us to what’s fundamental Bring the demigods under your sway RADAGON Of course, as their only parental They’ll do as their dad and mom say The queen will cause no more surprises No Elden Lord will replace me And when my new Golden Cult rises They all will bow to the Erdtree! (with GOLDMASK) I’ll repair, but with order, not chaos (Oooooh) Be repaired, bring back brilliance to life (Ooooh Elden Ring!) And Marika, damn her (I’ll have faith) Cannot stop my hammer (Lots of faith) She tried to defile (I will hold) She’ll fail, for I’ll (Endless gold) Reforge what was broken The Fingers have spoken They say, put an end to this strife Yes, my purpose cannot be impaired Be repaired! ALL Yes our purpose cannot be impaired Be repaired!

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Leg It, Bro

To the tune of “Let It Go” from “Frozen”

(We open outside STORMVEIL as MARGIT THE FELL jumps down to face the TARNISHED)

MARGIT To win this fight, Oh, you don’t have the right For you are a lesser being Emboldened by your ambition To control the Lands Between But I am guarding Where the first shardbearers hide Want to take a look? Your request’s denied You can’t come in Or get past me You’re a Tarnished That’s all that you will be You toff, fuck off, Just turn and go You must not know... Leg it, bro Leg it, bro Come back after you explore Leg it, bro Leg it, bro ‘Cause your vigor’s really poor You’re a scrub, don’t know how to play. I can still dunk on The Tarnished who bother me any day (He crushes the TARNISHED with one sing of his staff. Some time later...) MARGIT I’m ending your existence With every fight, you’ll fall You can bang your head against me But I am a brick wall So sorry, kid, your ass is toast Fuck off and beat the weeping coast Fight a watchdog of the Erdtree, Not me! Leg it, bro Leg it, bro With that Dex, you need not apply Leg it, bro Leg, it bro Or just prepare to die Here I stand, and come what may You’ll get off my lawn (A montage of deaths ensues as the TARNISHED comes back again and again, trying to get past MARGIT after exploring a little more each time MARGIT My dagger flurries Drop your HP to the ground You dodged my hammer, but The AOE is all around Though your frustration rises Sorry, but alas I’m never tired of My fist inside your ass! (The TARNISHED walks in, finally at an appropriate level) Leg it bro, Leg it bro, I’m the Last King and you’re a pawn Leg it, bro Leg it, bro Hey, where’d you get such brawn? What the fuck?! This is not okay! Fuck my HP’s gone! (The TARNISHED stabs him one last time) TARNISHED This fight never bothered me anyway.

[childhoodmeetsfromsoft]

Poor and Maidenless Soul

(Figured I should also do an Elden Ring version of this, since that’s clearly where the most interest is, lol. Am definitely taking a side on a theory here, but thought it worked) To the tune of “Poor Unfortunate Souls” from “The Little Mermaid” (We open at the gates of Stormveil, where the TARNISHED has just collapsed and MELINA has approached) MELINA (spoken) The only way to become Elden Lord is get a maiden, yourself. TARNISHED (spoken) Well, can *you* do that? MELINA My dear, sweet Tarnished, that’s what I do. It’s what I live for, to help unfortunate warriors like yourself. Poor souls, with no one else to turn to.

(sung) I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty They weren’t kidding when they called me Gloam-eyed Queen But you’ll find that nowadays I’ve mended all my ways So now I want to save the Lands Between True? Yes. And I fortunately play the role of maiden Turning runes to strength to help you swing your sword But I’m troubled, for you see I must reach the Erdtree And so, Tarnished, now I offer an accord (spoken) You get it? (sung) Poor and maidenless soul, You die, you bleed, Trust me, on a level 1 run, you will see that you’re a scrub, So do you need me? Yes, indeed. You poor and maidenless soul, You lack the skill You won’t get as far as Margit, not without leveling up So I’ll help you, yes, I will You won’t die just once or twice From an arrow or a slice And you won’t always have the option of spamming roll Dark Souls boss design this ain’t It’s more like Isshin the Sword Saint Oh, you poor and Maidenless soul... (spoken) Have we got a deal? TARNISHED (spoken) Fuck yeah.  MELINA Cool. Here, have a horse. He thinks you might be cool, idk. (We cut to the Mountaintop of the Giants, where SHABRIRI approaches the TARNISHED) SHABRIRI If you go to the Forge, you’ll never see Melina again. TARNISHED Wait what?! SHABRIRI You mean she hadn’t discussed the subject of kindling? You can’t burn the Erdtree with nothing, you know. TARNISHED But I don’t want-- SHABRIRI There’s something else you can burn. Just a token, really, a trifle. You’ll never even miss it. What you need to burn is...the world. TARNISHED The world? SHABRIRI You got it, buddy. Just find the Frenzied Flame and poof, Melina will be safe. TARNISHED But if I burn the world, won’t that--? SHABRIRI You’ll have the girl. Your little horse. And don’t underestimate the hotness of world-ending sex! (sung) So fuck both the Two Fingers and their blather This world is full of misery and war Let the pretty girl escape And learn to love the taste of grape And you can have her at your side forevermore! Come on, let’s sacrifice them to the conflagration There really is no downside to this plan Take a chance and beat the game As the Lord of Frenzied Flame Who can you trust, if not a hated man? Oh yes, you poor and maidenless soul Go ahead, save the girl You’re a very lonely Tarnished and there aren’t a lot like her It won’t cost much: just the world! You poor and maidenless soul It’s sad, but true If you want to burn the tree, my friend, you’ll have to be the coal Otherwise you’ll have to throw the girl into the giants’ bowl Come on man, let chaos take the world, And eat existence whole! You poor and maidenless soul! Three Fingers, They linger Deep under Leyndell and its streets Go let them caress you And when they possess you You can bring the heat! (spoken) Now, burn.... (As the TARNISHED vocalizes we see them entering the room with the Three Fingers, where they are embraced as the sound of SHABRIRI’s laughter echoes off the walls)