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Have you ever put on socks, taken them off and then put them back on again? Of course you have. And upon doing so have you noticed how grody the sensation is? Of course you have. However, new research by Futlers University reveals the dirty act is far more dangerous than ever previously expected. The discomfort felt is the blood vessels fighting for supremacy in your feet fingers. This can lead to “Vivaldisation” and in some cases full removal. How do I avoid the chop you might be thinking? Futlers gives us some guidelines: NEVER RE-SOCK(obvi). ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP PAIR(i keep mine in my jacket pocket). WRITE YOUR GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AND MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD(classic jargon for any guidelines). And the only 100% guaranteed deterrent.....ABSTINENCE(yes bare feet are gross, especially on the Tram but one has to ask themselves is saving your toesers gross?).

-W.P. Sabs

-Cedron 2 Gazette Staff Reporter

- Related Article: SNEEZING CAN CAUSE DRIVING ACCIDENTS AND WORSE

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For the last 637 sun cycles Cedron 2 citizens have partook and partaken in the gathering of food, drink, booths and mild laughter. The annual Street Fair on Main Street is eagerly anticipated by all creatures, including yours truly and of course didn’t disappoint. The only hard part about this article was narrowing down my list to only five big takeaways.....But here goes nothing.....

1. The Rumple spice cake was a pleasant surprise.

2. Geldon’s ice sculpture was magnificent but melted before most citizens gazed.

3. Police deputy Janson Mapor-Winx set a new record in being dunked 136 times in the Diabetes charity dunk tank.

4. The Foblioborb races yielded multiple storylines: Including a new saddle for Receptionariat and why is Oceanbiscuit so fast?

5. The bank set up a wonderfully strategic beer garden RIGHT ON MAIN STREET!!!!! Lines were far better than last year. Really just boils down to a splendid line design. Thanks Bank.

-F.B. Narbs

-Cedron 2 Beat Reporter

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HEIGHT: 3”8

WORK HISTORY: Two tours with Dairy Queen Blizzard Division

WEIGHT: 132 Woven Baskets

FAVORITE BREAD: Eight grain tasteless by Krogen Farms

TAIL: Yes and No. Technically it was removed but a small stub remains

IDEAL RELAX MOVES: Bottle of red and Perfect Strangers reruns

EYELASHES: Unequivocal

PATIENCE: Very limited, especially at airports

PREFERRED SALUTATIONS: Firm handshake and a kiss

MARITAL STATUS: Divorced thrice

PETS: Two Muskrats Milli and Vanilli

SPY TACTICS: Hidden Cameras, smoke bombs and a network of little birds. The usual

EYES: Beady blue

HOBBIES: Dice, horoscopes, sandpaper maker club

YEARS LIVED IN CEDRON 2: All its life. Dio is a third generation Haskugen by way of Chellech

POLITICAL VIEWS: Conservative on taxes, liberal in the bedroom

GO TO BOOKS: “Lost on Banks Lake the Denny Mowswow story” and “the Trial of Denny Mowswow and what really happened at Banks Lake”

FAVORITE YOUTUBE SHOW: Duh. It’s own . Cooking with Undapolax Dio

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Last October was the 27th anniversary of the breathtaking cinematic masterpiece Demolition Man. Wow!!! Has it really been 27 years? Time sure does fly, well maybe not as fast as being cryogenically frozen but still pretty swift. Looking back at Marco Brambilla’s triumph I am even more in awe than upon my first viewing. The ambition and imagination is unparalleled, the directing is authentic and true to life but it’s the performances that really steal the show. Snipes and Stallone are at the top of their game and critics agree(for once, hahaha) that it’s the best work of their careers. Also crushing scenes was a young up and comer who’s magnetism equaled that of the leads. Forget who that up and comer was? That’s right none other than Sandy Bullock!! Demolition Man is also gatekeeper to one of the all time great scenes. Stallone is all like “your soul needs a bath” while zapping a pool of water with his electric shock thing and then Snipes is all like “I’m feeling very cleansed already” while avoiding the electric shock thing and firing back his laser gun thing. It’s a toss up between that and the scene in 1 where Michael gets the gun from the restaurant bathroom and kills McClusky and Sollozzo for best of all time. The layered banter between Wesley and Sly is prominent throughout and is truly the heart of the film. Criterion needs to act now and make Demolition Man a staple of its catalogue. Be well.

-B.W. Meclangroose

-Cedron 2 Gazette staff reporter/film critic

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Citizens of Cedron 2 have spoken and the spoke is resounding! “We must obliterate the windmill! If not for our generation than for all creatures who follow” exclaimed Nix Nox Blyerdell(82) who owns the Foblioborb Ranch just east of the Spoggy River. Blyerdell isn’t the only one who dreams of an awakening.....the Deputy Mayor, two city Counsellors and Pogont the Regal all back leveling the iconic wind pusher. Once considered the heart and guts of town this mill of wind has blown its course.....and in the humble opinion of this reporter.....Demolition day can’t come soon enough. Speaking of demolition, join me for my column next week when I review the classic film Demolition Man starring Stallone and Snipes.

-B.W. Meclongroose

-Cedron 2 Gazette staff reporter

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Flashback.....100 years ago.....Two flavors dominate the Ice Cream landscape. “Three scoops of Chocolate” they’d all say. “Four plops of Vanilla” they might shout. Flash forward.....To now.....And you might hear a different battle cry. Ven and Vun Pavston’s Ice Cream stand on Main Street, aptly named “You Got Scooped” shocked Cedron 2 citizens Monday by announcing Strawberry and Cookie Dough to their menu selection. The choice was met with skepticism and an underground boycott was rumored. Ven Pavston described the hesitation as “natural” but theorized “once customers realize that adding two new flavors does not diminish the classics, in fact” Pavston continues “we expect a surge in chocolate and vanilla orders”. The math Ven describes is a difficult equation for this reporter to wrap its head around but one thing is certain..... We are in a new age and it’s delicious.

-W.P. Sabs

-Cedron 2 Gazette staff reporter

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No Regrets for GodMonx

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Homemade Batch of Varch

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The ragtag anomaly known as Beeander

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TGIF Cinematic Universe

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Borton’s Chili

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Free Beer, Free Steak and DJ Mercury

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The Truest Form of Comedy

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Black Hole Bunnies

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The Cumbersome Bilk wants Milk

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Redenbacher the Musical

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Plaps Poetry Bar