cantseethelighthouse

[cantseethelighthouse]

to speak straight truth / (matty, rowan, leo, and avery)

matty had forgotten what it was like to feel something that wasn't fabricated; wasn't something that he made into something flowery, made into something he could wax poetic about in verse. it had been years since he could feel something real for more than moments at a time, a memory or thought could grip him so tight he was unable to breathe or feel anything that wasn't blinding pain or bone-deep sadness. 

but here, in bed beside rowan, he felt nothing but hurt. his own, hers, and another life that was no longer there - a life that he had taken and refused for years to acknowledge. but here, in this bed, he was forced to deal with his fate. a tear-streaked face and the memories of a life his love had cherished, his arctic heart had found a melting point.

he was careful as he got out of bed, his blanket folded in the space he had occupied. when he got to the kitchen, pen in hand, he did the only thing he was sure of - write.

"rowan, there is no part of me that knows what to say, no words to explain to the pain that i've caused you without your knowledge; without you even knowing my name. i only know that i cannot live any longer with the knowledge that i have now, and i am ashamed to have lived this long without it. i should of owned up to my faults long ago, i should of been a better person. i am truly sorry that it was you that taught me that, when i should of known all along.  that person your pure heart damned all those years ago, it was me. i wish i could tell you that it kept me up every night and day since the moment it happened, that i was unable to rest, but i can't bring myself to lie to you about this. truth be told, that only happened for months. almost a year to bring myself to be completely numb of it. it haunts me at night sometimes, the headlights and the crash.  mostly now, it's all radio static. i don't think i've felt anything real since then.  i'm turning myself in now, after years of leo telling me to. he's right. he's damned near always right, and i hate that of him. he's always been the better of the two of us, joke or not.  the last part of this letter is selfish, and i know that, but know that i mean it.  even if your heart wants, don't dare wait up for me. as much as i want to wish for a happy ending, it won't happen - it shouldn't  happen. if leo is right, i won't see the end of my days freely. maybe that's for the best. i loved you, rowan. i hope you find someone that loves you without anything in the way. someone that loves you, and doesn't have to love you in spite of who they are. 

yours, matty."

___________________

leo wakes to a knock on the door, and the first look of remorse he's seen on his brother's face in years. he wants so desperately to be angry, to slam the door back in his face and go back to his bed with his heart, there's something in his dark eyes that tears at him.

"are you here because you feel guilty again?" the acid in his tone is only at half mast then, the door shutting behind them. "are you here to taunt me? beg me not to tell avery, tell me some bullshit that you love her? are you here to tell me that i'm a selfish prick and that my love for her is some sort of cosmic joke? because it is damn near five in the morning and you better have a good fucking excuse as to why you're here, and if it's any of the above, please just leave me the fuck alone."

matty's face doesn't change, doesn't soften, doesn't show any signs of defense. "i need you to come with me. make good on your promise. hold me accountable." there's defeat in his voice, a shakiness that leo hasn't heard since they were young and neglected - high and bound to be someone else's problem. 

"after all these years, now you want to step up?" leo feels betrayed in a way, in a way sort of vindicated. "what's changed, matt? i beg you for years - if not for me, if not for yourself, for a grieving family, for the one you left lying there. what the fuck has changed?" the hurt is thick in his voice, heavy tinges of his accent lost to years of wandering peeking through. 

"she...she was a good friend of rowan's." matty's answer bites through him, and it angers him more than anything. the selfish bastard is coming forward because he killed a friend of a girl he's in love with, but he wouldn't do it because it's the right fucking thing. leo's face hardens as he begins to open the door.

"stay right here. don't you dare fucking move, i'm going to go get changed. i swear to god, matthew timothy, if you moe now i will go without you and i will turn you in without hesitation - with or without you." matty gives a curt nod as leo disappears back into the apartment. inside, leo scribbles his own note to his love.

"be back soon. i'll explain when i'm home. i love you, with my whole heart and everything beyond. - leo."

when he steps outside, his face his set in stone and he's looking through his brother. "let's go."

when leo emerges from the courthouse roughly ten hours later, he looks tired and bedraggled. he also looks younger than he has in years, and he no longer shoulders the blame for anyone else. legally, he's free. for the first time in his life he doesn't have to worry about speaking, doesn't worry that the knowledge of either of his parent's affairs or abuses will slip, the knowledge of his brother's infidelities or crimes. for the first time in his over two decades on this earth, he doesn't have to walk on eggshells around anybody. so, at three in the afternoon, he picks up a bottle of gin at the liquor store down the street and gets drunk on the way home, easily falling asleep on his living room couch. he'll talk to avery later, where there will be well deserved consequences, but for right now he'll take the small victory he's been granted.

[cantseethelighthouse]

i’d just like to make a comment and that comment is

what the fuck, are you doing this on purpose?

[cantseethelighthouse]

sometimes your photographer friend needs a model and you’re vain enough to keep volunteering

[cantseethelighthouse]

i’m not that bad

[cantseethelighthouse]

mhmm

[cantseethelighthouse]

of course, love.

[cantseethelighthouse]

i’d call that equal.

[cantseethelighthouse]

and uses it to her advantage

[cantseethelighthouse]

she’s a good pup.

[cantseethelighthouse]

gypsy puts up more of a fight

[cantseethelighthouse]

i refuse to take that reason, you’ve pushed me off the bed

[cantseethelighthouse]

what’s the fun in that?

[cantseethelighthouse]

well, love, i’d given you warning if i thought you’d still be that happy to see me.

[cantseethelighthouse]

you look ecstatic, love

[cantseethelighthouse]

yeah, no. i’m in hell.

it’s not real because i’m fucking dead.

[cantseethelighthouse]

no.

definitely not.

not a chance in hell.

[cantseethelighthouse]

so that’s...still a thing.

is it to get under my nerves? is it real?

fuck, which one is worse?