molly-rachel-0510

[molly-rachel-0510]

Let me repeat that.

Wow, listening to Brand New while drunk will make you feel even more sad than before

[molly-rachel-0510]

My (old) work BFF’s girlfriend of 11 years left him two months ago.

Sometimes I go to the bar just to watch people.

I’m in love all over the place. But I know where I want to be. And I know it’s true. On all accounts. But it’s a different kind in each way.

The past six months have taught me more than I can comprehend in such a small time.

Work feels like home again. And I’ve missed them.

"If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable." - Carrie Fisher

"Only when we finally touch the one we’ve been waiting to touch... we realize the truth.... we were never empty... never filled with darkness and there were no spaces between our stars. Like Rumi believed, the one we love cannot be... hunted or searched for, they are inside us all along... when we realize this, and touch the lips of the one we love, do we find out the truth--that we are both filled with stars."--TKG

[molly-rachel-0510]

My heart ❤️

“Would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?”

— Fall Out Boy, Pretty in Punk

[molly-rachel-0510]

Ughhhh. Bukowski you SOB

“Look, let me put it this way: with me, you’re number one and there isn’t even a number two.”

— Charles Bukowski

[molly-rachel-0510]

So much of this.

Forgive me

My anxiety sometimes takes away my voice when i need it most

Forgive me

My anxiety always shows up at every gig, in every poem.

Forgive me

My anxiety sometimes crawls from my mind down to my fingers and i cant help but let it all pour out.

I know you cant see her

My anxiety

Her ghost hangs in the air

Wraps herself round me

Tells me i am the only one for her

My anxiety racks my being

At every presentation that involves my voice

Forgive me

I know she is unwelcome

And i think she knows it too by now.

Forgive me

My anxiety comes with overwhelming guilt

Can you forgive me for always saying sorry ?

Like somewhere along the lines my record got scratched so sometimes

If you play it just right

Play me,

Just right,

All you will hear is sorry on loop.

Forgive me

My anxiety asks for forgiveness even when my friends say there is no need.

Forgive me

My anxiety always feels the needs to fill everything with alittle too much soul and cry about it after for being to forthcoming.

Forgive me

My anxiety makes monsters out of memories sometimes.

Forgive me

My anxiety begs

Forgive me for being too much me.

She says “like who do you think you are ?”

And I never really know what to respond other than “myself”

Forgive me

My anxiety prohibited me from loving myself for so long

Forgive me

My anxiety always makes me leave before i am left

She is tired of having to read between the lines for an answer

So she makes me not reply

Because then at least i wont be waiting too long.

At least it was on my own terms.

Forgive me

My anxiety shrieks

“I forgive you”

I reply.

[molly-rachel-0510]

Let’s get this straight.

Anxiety is feeling like you’re always annoying people even when you’re silent.

It’s not eating in a public place cause you feel like people are watching you.

It’s not being able to ask for help because you’re scared of coming across badly.

It’s putting other people first even when your needs are more important or urgent because you’re too shy to change this.

It’s caring too much about what people think of you to the point where you can barely live your day to day life.

But, by living every day, and getting this far in life, it goes to show that you are capable, you are loved and you are able to beat your anxiety day by day. You’re doing amazing!

[molly-rachel-0510]

I love him. LOVE him. 😍🥰🤤🔥

[molly-rachel-0510]

Requiem For A Dream

When you know it’s really over. And it hurts more than hell ever could. Time to move on.

[molly-rachel-0510]

Maybe I should start writing again. Even to myself.

[molly-rachel-0510]

Darlene's right.

He's shutting down, compartmentalizing the pain, living in the distraction, just like the holidays: the fake Santas, the plastic trees, the annoying Christmas carols. One big song-and-dance production to sell ourselves the theater that everything's jolly, at least for a moment.

But when it's all over, Santa's gone back to his shitty day job.

The trees get disassembled and thrown in a closet.

The music's faded away.

What then? That's why you can't go anywhere.

I know he's keeping you away, but I'll let you in.

Don't think I'm doing it for you, though.

Let's be clear.

I still don't give a shit about you, but he does.

This does not feel right to me.

E Corp owns the building.

They own half of Manhattan.

We stick to the plan.

Mr. Robot, S04 E01

[molly-rachel-0510]

Sticking to your lip

Get out my heart.

He won’t.

My mental health is struggling. Scott has been gone almost one year. It’s almost my next birthday. I hate my job. I don’t know how to make this alright. I’m tired. I’m so effing tired.

Jack died. Squiggs is being weird. So is Ziggy. I’m so tired of this weather.

[molly-rachel-0510]

Talked to my dad again

Watching ‘You’re the Worst’. Telling him I finally talked to my dad again. He’s never talked to him. But I stopped about 2 1/2 years ago when the guilt set in. I don’t post much. A couple months ago my dad was in a very horrific accident in Taiwan, where he has lived over half my life. He basically got run over by a very big trash truck. He’s had at least three surgeries... he has six broken ribs... he is trying to remember his Master’s degree in the Classics, but also, his life teaching non-English speaking kids overseas from here. He has two of my sisters, I’ve never met, but he isn’t satisfied with mine either.

He and my mom met very young. They had me and my sisters very young. I always felt the love and the home-ness, until I was old enough to see what was happening. My childhood was funded by my grandparents. My grandmother’s death was the beginning of my end. People in my family were selfish and hurtful, but I was too young.

And now I am too old, but he is still my father. I can still remember my childhood. And I remember all the in-between-days. It hurts, but he is still my Dad. I love him. I always will. I remember the good and the worst, but, I am happy he is still alive and fighting. I’m just glad he knows I still love the things he used to. And I hope he remembers them like I did.

[molly-rachel-0510]

You can have yours

But I can’t have mine. This family shit is exhausting. I don’t have mine, but I’m expected to be yours. Tubing with “his family” at noon, but I’m too tired to fight anymore.

[molly-rachel-0510]

Darkness.

This mood that plagues me,

It’s heavy and dark.

It tries to surface,

Manipulate,

Destroy.

But I repress it.

No one can see me this way.

I live vicariously through other people’s happiness,

Mimic their smiles,

Ensure their happiness

Because I cannot find my own.

And when I do,

It is only momentary.

Everything leaves.

Everyone dies.

[molly-rachel-0510]

What if I’m not the best?

Total honesty. Will you always be loyal to me?

What if I don’t know how to be loyal to myself?

[molly-rachel-0510]

He doesn’t know what anxiety is

This morning he asked if I was ok.

You said “no”.

“What’s wrong?”

“Anxiety”

Tonight I asked if he’d meet me. I got home and he was passed out.

“I’m at 10 out of 10 right now.”

“What?”

Me, crying, everywhere.

He thinks he understands (he definitely knows when), but he has no idea.

[molly-rachel-0510]

Birthday!

I have a hole in my heart. I fear my demons are feeding on it.