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[cakepuffassy]

Expectations

I learned of not expecting

Especially from a person

I learned no to put hope on someone

Not to believe that they will keep their promises

Words, are mere front

Funny enough, I am still getting my hopes up whenever they offer me something

It feels like; finally someone came to salvation

When, they are also the one who made me learn you can't trust anyone

[cakepuffassy]

I'm spending half of my 22 here, the best thing I could ever hoped for. Let's just be grateful till the end. Might be the best year of my life or worst I never know.

[cakepuffassy]

[cakepuffassy]

the evening always makes me think of what kind of life I've been through and what things that makes me greatful, its just down to me that I have met so many people and some of them feel like home...

makes me think of goodbyes and the emptiness I feel inside, makes me think of a warm place that I can (or wish to) call home. It might sound silly but just like how seventeen members find family in each other, I also want that kind of relationship. I want friends who can become my home, a place that you can lean on, a place that you can trust, a place that can save you, and that would be enough.

I have left so many empty spaces

So many places

Some that I might regret

Some that I'm thankful for

Some people that are truly precious

But I hope they have more courage

And I hope I do too

In a colored brigde

With a monochrome end

Where I wish my steps would led me away

Could I have met someone

To paint figures and statues

Once or twice a warm welcome home

So that I can face another day

[cakepuffassy]

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[cakepuffassy]

[cakepuffassy]

not to be poetic but, if you've been tainted so much that you turn dark, it doesn't mean that you can't accept colors.

you see them better, you appreciate them better, because you're made from colors. you're still a good person.

[cakepuffassy]

this is my trying. trying to let you go, let my feelings go.

even I took an airplane just to get away from you, hoping that I could finally be free from this chains that binds me to you one sidedly, but I guess distance means nothing.

21-08-20

[cakepuffassy]

"On god I wish you'd gone"

"You mean it?"

"No."

"What is it that you want then?"

"I don't know"

"Please tell me how I can help-"

"Don't. Nothing you can do. At this point I just want you to love me too, and I'm asking for the impossible here right?"

"...I can't force it"

"Exactly! I knew all that yet I keep- I'm still- ...I want you so bad I want you so bad to be mine just as cheesy as it sounds, I love you so much I want to pour them all up to you but I can't can I? More like I'm afraid to do that. You'll just take it for granted and not even thinking about it for a second like I do. See how you don't even say anything to hold the conversation, a remark like 'I'll answer you but I need a moment so please wait for a bit', no you don't right? because it doesn't matter.

I'm just one of your burden here, another pile to add your stress. If you're an administrative then I'm just one of that complaint in a stack full of papers on your messy desk which you never even consider to read.

I hate that and I certainly resent you. And me. Why'd you keep this sooo long. I just want this to ge over with But I also don't. I'm such a mess in confusion that I can't even decide on anything.

Please if you want to help me just say that you hate me and that you're tired of me, that way maybe I can finally cut all of this.

To be honest I feel so selfish for not even considering your feelings, but you've said words I can't forget and I want them to heal so bad I could only think of how to give this wound a remedy."

[cakepuffassy]

"I've lost them all."

"You lost them on purpose or unintentionally?"

"Good question"

"You know, they care about you"

"I don't think so. Maybe it's me who keeps denying it but that's my impression of their actions"

"With that being said?"

"Well, yes I truly care about them. I love them so much and maybe I wouldn't survive till this day without them that much is true. But I keep thinking it's only me who's been so desperate and wanting them and not the other way around"

"You're scared aren't you?"

"Mhm, guess so?"

"But even if you did, reciprocating is not just about feelings there are other things too. I bet they are more than just a word"

"As if I know if they truly care"

"And now you're mad"

"Exactly. Keep telling me that they're unavailable and I want to be that kind of person too. I want to be unavailable when they need me and see what it taste like. I hate always making time for them, as if I don't have anything to do. When actually I just make time for them in the tight schedule. They're that precious to me if you ask me."

"You don't have to dry them all up"

"I can't"

"You can"

"But it's suffocating"

"It is."

[cakepuffassy]

"what am I to you?"

"a sour candy"

"and the reason?"

"because I hate the taste yet I love the lingering feeling"

"you should try mint instead"

"no, I like them better"

the seconds are ticking right after 10

"you know that I..."

"I know. You don't have to say anything."

"can I ask you for something?"

"what is it?"

"be happy,"

"...I'll try"

"for me."

"okay."

[cakepuffassy]

This blog is one several-year-long conversation with myself and you are all just along for the ride

[cakepuffassy]

On Love (3)

Even with someone you trust you life with,

Someone you hand your heart to,

It will shatter, leaving its stain and stinging pain that comes right after

Only to realize that the closest person you are with are ones who are capable to hurt you the most.

The thing with them is that they always let go

When it is the last thing that you want to see

The growing distant becomes suffocating

It is like walking on a fragile thin rope, with both of your arms wide open to keep the balance of your body, yet the hurricane is on the horizon

What makes you fall is neither the frail rope nor the gale, it is someone on the other side because they just cut the rope.

It is that certain someone who you trust to walk first on the bridge before you;

-

On that day, someone caught me by the shoulders and make me turn around. Yet I keep my head low. Hey, are you crying?. I tried to push them away but their hand grip is getting stronger. A single push then I am already in their arms, wrapping me. Tight yet tender.

I’ll be here until the pain goes away. Now you can cry you heart out. 

I will hold you.

it was me

[cakepuffassy]

on Love (2)

It was a gamble.

To try to open up with someone. To tell them everything of who you are right now. Of what you have become. The pain and the suffering you no longer want to associate with. 

Yet I keep chasing after it, after you.

The gamble was; if I win, the cards of heart I put on the silver platter become whole, if I lose, you throw them away like a piece of garbage.

Here we go.

Because you seemed like a person whom I won't reget. Sure, you can prove me wrong. I'm well prepared. I don’t know what I signed up for.

I think I can handle the pain. I will taste the torment and bitterness. It's something that is bound to happen isn't? Something that has been predetermined at the end of the path I walk. 

So don't worry my dear. Even if it will happen, all I need is just a little time away from you.

Yes, away from you. 

As well as loathing you. Cursing every decision. Condemned the trust I lay bare.

I've come prepared when the worst happened. Now I know when I'm around my friends I can forget about you for a while. They are my addictive liquor.

Yet, you'll creep in again.

That's why I'll rely on something else.

Time.

Time will heal it all. I know it will, I know because I'm getting used to it. Because you're not the first one who made me feel this way.

One question though,

If this is how it will always be, then... someday, instead of pulling the trigger behind my back, won't someone come offering their hand to me? 

[cakepuffassy]

on Love

I don’t want to confuse it with loneliness. Because when I get lonely, the longing for affection becomes the greatest starvation needs. Yet the knocking on my door came exactly on the wrong time;

With you on the other side.

Something blooms.

Certainly my past is all but an open book, so I know those are genuine. I don’t want to complicate things, but before I realize it, it was too late. The flutters on my heart won’t stop.

All of those phrases and sentences you said to me was ripple to the dead pond, slowly salving the last remaining marrow. For so, I, might need you more than I think it is.

So I raise my red flag 🚩

Telling myself no, this is not it. This is not love. This feeling is there because I’ve been in the pit for god knows how long. It has been too long I got used to it. So when someone came offering their hand, I might’ve mistaken it for that. I feel this way because I’ve been longing for it.

Or so I thought.

The confiction. The possesion. The confession. The tenderness. The foolishness. All of it, came down like a flush of waterfall from someone named you. It was like, ‘hey, you mean something to me’. Never have I not questioned my existence until you erased it.

Yet, it is just a capricorn thing to overanalyze every little gesture. 

I know you already have someone you hold dear. I just wonder where am I in your tiny special space. Do you rank them? if so which is mine? Ahh, to be called someone special by you is a life winning prize.

[cakepuffassy]

here's to to *clink clink* Feelings

It will never reprociate, but ok.