caffine-and-cigarettes

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

28.01.22

Back >53kgggg

Here’s to another year of finding public bathrooms within a kilometre radius of my job. 🥳

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22.01.21

I’m in work. I go to the bathroom. I’m looking down at everything that wasn’t there before. All the extra. Rolled and bunched like trash. Because that’s what it is. Disgusting fat, space. More. Too much.

Now I’m hiding in the warehouse bawling my eyes out because all I want to do is starve until I’m dizzy again but don’t want to break my s/o’s heart or scare him.

This is so much more than real. I’m sweating. I don’t know why but I’m disgusting.

Cw: 54.3kg

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

05.01.22

Today is my third day off quarantine, but today my s/o said all he’s seen me eat the past two days was some chocolate and ice cream.

>600cal in 3 days is 🤌

He’s trying to order me sushi and I can only turn that shit down for so long.

Currently 53kg

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[caffine-and-cigarettes]

02.01.22

I didn’t eat New Years, I managed to eat a little less than half my tofu Singapore noodles with my parter yesterday and today I’ll probably be made eat now my he knows about my eating issues.

I think telling him I’m full from coffee still works though. We’ll see. Happy New Year, guys!

Cw: 52kg.

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

30.12.21

Food consumed 4 hours of my day yesterday. I got home at 6:00. I binged and purged till 11:30. My stomach felt empty and I fell asleep, slept through my alarm and showed up late for work.

At least I’m down a kg though.

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

i’m doing it for the stares.

i’m doing it so my family is proud.

i’m doing it so i don’t have to worry about not fitting my partners or friends clothes.

i’m doing it so people finally like me.

i’m doing it so i can prove everyone wrong.

i’m doing it to be skinnier than the girls in my class.

i’m doing it to be petite and fragile.

i’m doing it to be asked how i did it.

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

19.12.21

This morning my s/o kept going on about how I was snoring really badly last night. I felt SO bad and I don’t usually snore but how do I apologise and tell him it’s because my throat is flemmed up to fuck because of purging the dinner I spent wayy too much money on?

Simple answer? I don’t. Cw: 53.2kg

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

17.12.21

Today went fairly well. Just consumed coffee but my s/o wants me to cook for him and I know he won’t eat without me so I just hope it doesn’t trigger a binge. But the weirdest fucking thing happened when I was in the shopping centre. My friends and I were walking to the bathroom and I seen myself in the mirror. It tooled like someone had taken FaceTune and completely distorted my entire body. My face looked swollen and I literally looked like I’d put on 20-30kg. Everyone else looked normal though. Maybe the mirror was bent? Maybe it was just in my head? This had never happened before but my god did it scare me into liquid fasting..

Cw: 53.3kg

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

Boyfriend is out, now I can finally weight myself in peace.

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

16.09.21

We all got the same issue in getting fat again for winter, right? My exams start tomorrow and I have so many assignments backing up. Does anyone else find struggle to feel like they’ve learnt anything coming out of the lecture hall or is it just me? It could be the weed too though so I really don’t know.

It’s almost like I’m struggling to form a clear line of thought. I feel confused quite a bit these days. Also why has 53.3kg never felt so fucking huge 🤢

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

the sad part is I no longer know how to live without constantly trying to change my body

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Did someone do this diet, and if so, does it really work??? Help I’m deciding if I want to do it or no

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

24.11.2021

Its Black Friday soon and the only thing I’ll be getting is a black hole in the bottom of my wallet because of the vast amount of money I’ve spent on food I’ve purged and binged and purged and cycled. 🥳🥳

51.8kg

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22.11.21

Today was better. Yesterday I c/s breakfast and my partner in crime really wanted to cook me vegetable spaghetti Bol. I was able to switch out the pasta for konjac noodles (thank fuck) and haven’t eaten today. So adding all the coffee I’ve probably consumed around 800 cals over the past few days. 🥰

Current weight: 52kg. If I gain a single kg more we’re liquid fasting for a week.

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

20.11.21

Well if swallowing glass wasn’t a good enough reason to be forever afraid of food then I guess I’ll forever be fat 🐷

[caffine-and-cigarettes]

17.11.21

The last two days have been better. Today I was able to take a bite of my s/o’s food and that was it. The last two days I’ve been able to spend my calories on coffee and as always if I stay below my calorie limit two squares of my favourite chocolate as motivation.

Currently 52.3kg. 💀