caffeineandbullshit

[caffeineandbullshit]

I finally reclaimed my dream schedule, and I can't stress this enough: proper sleep is life fuckin' changing.

I was stuck between work and mommy duties for God knows how long. Don't get me wrong, I love my role in the household and the fact that I earn. I upskilled so hard in the past couple of years and it strengthened my financial freedom significantly, but I just needed my goddamn sleep. I was so determined to change my lifestyle that there would be no compensation big enough to change my mind. I'm not getting any younger and my work has always been sedentary—probably the only downside of working from home all these years.

Since the pandemic, my anxiety has skyrocketed so many times that it started to manifest physically. It's about time that I invested on things that really matter, like my health and overall well being.

Soooo, I set up a little workout corner in my office and bought the following equipment to help me jumpstart my fitness journey.

Walking pad (perfect for walking or light jogging).

Ab roller for core strength.

Smart watch.

Cute workout outfits to hype me up!!! - I just had to 😅

I've never really worked out, except maybe those couple of phases where I jogged with my family every morning for several months, and the time I did muay thai training with a friend. But those were short-lived. That's why I want to be realistic in setting this up. Instead of going for an outdoor run, I opted for an indoor walking pad and a few equipment to use for some routines at home.

To avoid drastic mood change and feeling dizzy throughout the day, I don't intend to reduce my food intake. Instead, I am looking into serving myself more proper meals and always eat on time. I don't want to compromise my health by hopping on extreme weight loss fads.

And honestly, potentially losing weight is probably just a bonus. All I wanted is to align my physical activities with the amount of sedentary work I do on the daily. I want my body to constantly crave enough sleep, especially because working without [enough] sleep had been my default for so long. I became heavily dependent on caffeine and sugar, this has to stop.

And why am I writing this here? I want to make myself accountable for the commitment I made.

I finally reclaimed my dream schedule, now I am reclaiming my mind and body, through living mindfully and with clear intentions.

Cheers! 🎉

[caffeineandbullshit]

I woke up at past 6, indulged in the comfort brought by a steaming cup of coffee, and the timeless melodies of Bill Withers. The gentle warmth of sunshine's been gracing my home office once again after a week of heavy rains, and I am grateful that my family got through Typhoon Carina's wrath unscathed.

Not everyone was as lucky though; let's keep praying for those who suffered, and offer help if we can.

Anyways, I probably haven't mentioned (except to my husband who has always supported my decisions no matter how risky they are), but I am gearing up to work on a passion project I've put on hold for so long.

Right now, I am re-learning to nurture my sense of identity and be good at maintaining it. I owe it to myself to do something personal, something I love, in order to foster personal growth.

There is a different, long-forgotten version of you that is buried deep down your role as mom and/or a careerwoman.

You have to dig it and see where it takes you.

— soooo, on to my second cup of coffee. Laters!

[caffeineandbullshit]

My sister woke me up and offered to make me a cup of coffee. I didn't realize it was pouring hard until I went downstairs and actually heard the gust of wind that almost permanently bent some trees on our street.

I usually enjoy stormy days but the onset of the week has been particularly difficult for a lot of people. My family is safe but other areas in our village, including several entry points, were already flooded. Food supply and daily essentials aren't even scarce but stores are inaccessible due to heavy floods.

I'm opening my humble abode to any nearby friends who are in need of basic assistance to help them get through this safely. Anyone who'd appreciate a hot meal, access to outlets/chargers for your device, or even a change of dry clothes, is welcome. 🙏

Praying for everyone's safety!

[caffeineandbullshit]

I know what you're still doing.

Your insecurity sometimes keeps you up at night. You spent years telling yourself you are doing so much better, only to end up imitating snippets of my life.

And it haunts you, because I am still that pebble in your shoe. I know it stings. Maybe not every day, not as much as it used to. But it still does.

And in the absence of acceptance, it crushes your pride every time you see me doing just fine.

Your deep-seated discontent, concealed in grandiose declaration of admiration, still triggers you to look over your shoulder. You hate and admire me more than you'd like to admit —my ideas, the things I write, even the little pieces that comprise my now tranquil disposition in life.

Did he know your words of love and affirmation were someone else's? 

Did he know your idea of a lovely night surrounded by planes and tree lights was someone else's?

Of course he didn't.

After all, how can you tell him?

Not that it matters, but I have burried the hurt; I prayed for healing, and rebuilt myself from the ground up so I can finally move forward. I became a whole new person because of what I was put through. I became invincible. Sure, it wasn't easy, but it worked for me.

Has anything ever truly worked for you?

Honestly, I pray that you heal, too. I pray that you heal so he didn't have to unknowingly suffer from the fragments of your pitiful obsession and unhealed frustration.

Humans are supposed to move on. It's the natural course of life. We get hurt, move past it, reassess our emotions, then start anew.

I'm only writing this to ultimately acknowledge, or perhaps reiterate, that this phase of my life has officially concluded many years ago; that I am here to reflect on everything that has happened to me, be it good or bad, as I prepare myself for a new chapter that is about to unfold.

And that whatever you feel like doing out of spite and denial, darling, that's on you.

I have made my peace.

When will you?

[caffeineandbullshit]

I don’t have a word for it. 

When you feel something funny in your chest. It feels good, and light, but it also aches. As Patrick adores Kat while they sit on the porch, The desire in his eyes, the love, the urge. 

I don’t have a word for it.

When you cling to that funny feeling in your chest.  Because it feels nice, but then it still aches. As Patrick tells Kat he really fell for her, Reminds you of the butterflies, but time was a blur.

I don’t have a word for it.

The longing for something that wasn’t even missing.  But not around either, you found yourself musing. When flags are red, all you see was rainbow. Love isn’t always a walk through the meadow.

I watched 10 Things I Hate About You for the first time. There's a reason it's a 90s classic. Heath Ledger was so good.

[caffeineandbullshit]

Rainy nights.

Nights that call for a smooth, soulful Stevie Wonder playlist. 

Nights when you helplessly wish you could just snuggle —with someone, or something, anything that could take away the defenseless longing that’s been reigning over you for quite some time. 

It’s not that you need someone to endure inviting weathers like this, but if feels as though it’s the most appropriate time to entertain your thoughts of what ifs; to either succumb to the pangs of nostalgic guilt and regrets, or remind yourself that you are surviving somehow.

Nights like this —the sense of solitude painfully strikes, but I close my eyes and tell myself: I’d rather embrace these lonely nights knowing they will eventually pay off, than settle with temporary, inconsistent bliss.

Excerpts from my old blog

[caffeineandbullshit]

Does it have a pair of expressionless eyes, or speak to you inscrutably that it baffles your mind?

It just keeps its mouth shut, averting a colossal of emotions from exploding. It probably has an emotional, submissive nature that tends to just feel the pain instead of fighting it, until agony dominates its whole existence.

Cold, wrinkled hands; you press and rub your palm gently into its skin in hopes of giving it warmth. 

But it was numb. Shaky. Sore. Dry.

It’s melancholy personified.

Excerpts from my old blog