butterflyfish0

[butterflyfish0]

gretchen walsh you are the light of my life, my goat, my spirit animal, how the hell does one go a 46. every day i doubt you are human more and more 😭

i love you gretchen walsh you are so cool

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WDYM ONE OF THE GIRLS I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON IS COMING TO SWIM WITH US THIS MORNING,,

(and her brother and sister but they lowkey scare me)

[butterflyfish0]

“we have a high lactate hard speed set tomorrow morning!!” just shoot me instead why don’t you

[butterflyfish0]

man fuck guilt that exists for literally no reason,,

my brain’s screaming “hi bitch! ur gonna go to hell and burn and all of ur relatives are gonna go to heaven and forget about your existence” AGH SHUT UP YOU STUPID FUCKING BRAIN

i feel so sick i wanna throw my guts up

also i have a headache. lol

[butterflyfish0]

it should be illegal to tell an overthinker "we need to talk"

[butterflyfish0]

well can you follow up a little faster carrie

[butterflyfish0]

i hate my stupid overthinking brain agh agh ow ☹️

[butterflyfish0]

the wildfires have fucked the air quality up so much here that the ash and stuff in the air have been RUINING my swim practices AGH AGH AGH

also coach decided he was gonna stare me down all day at practice yesterday afternoon and our set was so hard and i literally almost threw up because of how bad it hurt why did i choose this freaking sport 😭

[butterflyfish0]

i posted the first chapter of my fic this morning and i already feel like im going to throw up.

i’m having fun! so much fun! but i’m scared that it’s not good.

maybe it’s the sleep deprivation? i’m not sure, but god i’m so anxious that this shit is awful and nobody’s going to read it.

i’m just. worried, since my plot is so roughly drawn out right now and i’ve already published the first chapter. i’ve done creative writing for over four years now, but this is my first time actually publishing a fic. and god i’m so scared.

not to mention, nobody’s really texted me much today which has made my brain more on edge. agh.

i just need sleep. but my mom said i’m not allowed to sleep because she wants me to actually sleep tonight, instead of napping all day and staying up at night.

eugh. sangihun heal me

[butterflyfish0]

i have. a math exam today i’m cooked

i’m locked in on other things!! (COUGH COUGH SQUID GAME)

but it’s making me super happy, and i think my mental health has genuinely improved a lot in comparison to recent events (and also just like.. in general????)

so yeah! yay me! :D

i really need a new pfp. i do Not like hazbin hotel anymore (if at all) 😭

[butterflyfish0]

IMMMM IN LOVE WITH LADY GAGA’S NEW ALBUM AAGH IT’S SO GOOD 💗💗💗💗

favorite songs: disease, garden of eden, shadow of a man, perfect celebrity, abracadabra, vanish into you (but i love them all!! i don’t think there’s a song i dislike on it actually-)

i animated the original disease animation meme so ofc i’m a little biased lol but yummy om nom 🔥🔥🔥🔥

[butterflyfish0]

okay i’m changing this pfp soon, probably to the recruiter so i can have my trio of beautiful squid game men with a body count (jun-ho on my main tumblr, sang-woo on my youtube channel, and the recruiter on here lol)

anyways. uh. somebody that i won’t be saying the name of has been haunting the narrative pretty badly recently! idk what to do about it. sometimes the thoughts just don’t Fuck Off™️

what do you do when your guilt scoops all your gutsy insides out, yet keeps you alive? i hate feeling guilt. it’s the worst feeling ever.

but for some good news! i’m considering writing sangihun fanfiction :] if i can like. remember how to write. lol.

[butterflyfish0]

bro when i got sick my body half-forgot how to walk and now i’ve been walking again and MY CALVES ARE SO SORE. 😭

[butterflyfish0]

hashtag praying the gay away

i'm scared i have a crush on my best friend. i'm praying it's just my brain adjusting to having a best friend.

i know i'm gay. bi? omni? idk. but i like girls.

i'm just scared of liking her. i don't wanna ruin our friendship. but then why do i feel super flustered when she looks at me in certain ways or is sitting next to me???? no. i don't like her like that. i hope. NO.

hell, this is part of why i'm so attached to sangihun - i hc sang-woo suffered from internalized homophobia growing up (bc lets bfr. that man is NOT a woman kisser) and developed a crush on gi-hun, but tried his best to push it down for multiple reasons. (and failed.)

anyways. uh. yeah. help????

also it doesn't help that i'm pretty sure she's straight and also one of my friends also kinda have a suspicion of her being homophobic????

it's so hard to tell what i want. so i'm just going to keep denying it!!!!!!!!!

[butterflyfish0]

oops i forgot to update as well as idk what to tag this with bahah

second day of the meet/finals was.. eh. literally nothing extremely good happened for our team, our girls were meant to win a relay and ended up in fourth place.

some stupid bitches online started harassing my ex and i and so i didn’t get like any sleep so idek what im gonna do today………

also yippee!! i found motivation to write!! the last time i wrote fanfiction it was for be more chill when i was like 13 soooo. let’s hope this goes well!

[butterflyfish0]

..wow. what a day. /neu

i went to a really big swim meet with my team, like REALLY big.

only to find out less than ten minutes before i’m meant to race that my coach fucked the entries up and i couldn’t swim.

so yeah!! got fucked over due to something out of my control. lovely. everybody was pissed at my coach (rightfully so, i personally am mad but there’s nothing i can do so what’s the point of being upset)

one of my friends, the alternate, was forced onto the relay, and she too was angry and stressed. (the relay itself that i was meant to be on got DQed, which was ironic but still)

the meet overall DID NOT feel real, it felt like a nightmare or something like that — another one of my friends’ relays DQed, our boys relay sold, and meanwhile our girls relay (a relay i had the potential to be on) ended up WINNING prelims?? 😶

i’m so fucking tired man 😭😭

[butterflyfish0]

sometimes i wish i could be somebody's unnie