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Joe’s Midnight Run ⧯ The Notorious B.I.G. Burger

by 🅿️

It’s hard to believe that a burger topped with braised pork and cole slaw is forgettable, but this one really was. See, this is a throwback review from last summer. I’m going through my camera roll for photos of burgs I’d eaten before Sim1 suggested we start burger blogging, and saw this monstrosity. This isn’t a review as much as a recollection.

Joe’s Midnight Run is a poorly-conceived 80s/90s “Hip-Hop” themed place to the north of the 7th St. dining scene. Damn near every “hip” restaurant in Phoenix has a Hip-Hop soundtrack nowadays, so that, in conjunction with  shitty stencils of classic rap lines on the walls, and the naming of this here burger aren’t quite enough to elevate it from the “try-hard” depths. And let’s not get started on the brown paper bagged 40 ounces of malt liquor.

For years now, The Main Ingredient (unassumedly named after a classic Hip-Hop album) has played better-curated music, Lalo Cotta’s art has been sprayed on the walls of a number of local restaurants, and the previously-reviewed “Big Daddy Kane” burger at Diablo were all integrated into restaurants without coming off as desperate. Shit, even the now-defunct Mickey’s Hangover in Scottsdale did the whole 40s and MD 20/20 without coming off as douchey as Joe’s.

I mean, it’s a good-looking burger, and appears to be well-prepared, but I don’t remember anything food-teated about this visit. I’ll just leave you with this picture of the weird-ass presentation. Don’t focus on the comically-oversized bit of chicharrónes, just count the number of fries. I figure it’s <30. That’s not something to remembered for, Joe’s.

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“Gender Binary” by Ellen Ullman, Harper’s Magazine, July 2017

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Five Guys ⫵ Hypeburger

by 🅿️

I’ve been dodging this place for so long. I thought it was because I was boycotting it for its stance on women’s reproductive rights. Turns out that was Hobby Lobby, but Five Guys shares something even worse than paternalistic business practices under the guise of religious freedom. Lazy logo design.

Both companies just kind of spun into my consciousness in the past couple years, and word is bond, I had a tough time believing I was still in the real world, with these generic Arial and Helvetica-based logos glowing from suburban shopping centers across the valley. Like we’re in some kind of video game and the designers stopped putting any effort into the new DLC updates.

Apparently Five Guys is big shit around Washington, DC, where I went to college, but I never heard about it. The magic of cheeseburgers in DC begins and ends in hood Chinese carryout spots, where they’re served on a six or 12-inch hoagie bun, the patties sliced in half so they’ll fit inside with the cheese, lettuce tomatoes and onion. DC Chinese carryouts are insane, with the actual Chinese food being a distance fourth place behind wings with mumbo sauce and crinkle-cut fries, their steak and cheese subs (not a Philly cheesesteak, mind you, since they can have the same topping as the burgers plus mayo, all verboten on a real cheesesteak), and the aforementioned burgers.

To their credit, Five Guys lets you add a bunch of toppings to their burger, and I went with most of them, since they’re curiously expensive for a fast-casual place, and I needed my money’s worth. But I just don’t get it. According to some of my favorite YouTube fight videos, Five Guys is a great place for a late-night brawl, a la Waffle House or Steak and Shake, so maybe I’d have enjoyed it more were I drunk. American was the only cheese option. Still, 10/10. But never again.

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the Habit ∬ BBQ Bacon Charburger

by 🅿️

the Habit is a quick-service burger chain from California, somewhere. I want to say Huntington Beach. They had nice paintings of surfers on the wall. Definite south bay vibes at this place. If you like In-N-Out or Fatburger, you will enjoy the Habit. If you’re an asshole, you’ll argue which is better. 

Quick service, quick review. The BBQ Bacon Charburger comes with American cheese, but it’s still very tasty and the BBQ sauce is better than it needs to be. It holds up next to Steve’s Grill Cowboy Burger and is better than Carl’s Jr.’s Western Bacon. Very good onion rings, and the chocolate malt was up to my first-world, bourgeois standards. Oh yeah, and always great, always genuinely attentive service at this location, 7th Ave and McDowell. 10/10. 

Expect a more thorough look at the Habit Burger if I ever get around to my feature-length investigation, “If Pulp Fiction’s Big Kahuna Burger Was Real: the Habit’s Teriyaki Charburger vs. Islands’ Hawaiian Burger.”

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Diablo Burger / Big Daddy Kane

by 🅿️

You could probably already tell that I eat my burgs all by my lonely, but for my “Big Daddy Kane” at Diablo Burger in Flagstaff, I was joined by a special guest, my friend Dilly! I’m posting this review today, because I need to take a mental break from the forecast 120°F temperatures here in Phoenix, and remember the time just about a year ago when I took a quick “daycation” with my Dillster.

Diablo Burger is a regular stop for me any time I visit Snowbowl outside of Flag, and this is the first time I’d been when there wasn’t snow on the ground. Located in the Old Town Shops mall in the city’s quaint downtown, Diablo Burger occupies an interesting space on the property. During winter months, the indoors tends to be packed, and new friends are almost always made while sitting at the few communal tables or short bar they were able to fit in its limited square footage, with friendly banter echoing up and around DB’s vaulted ceiling. Sometimes the voices can be a bit angrier, when the line of people waiting to order their meals stretches through the door, and some out-of-towner decides to hold it open and let in the elements.

Summertime in Flagstaff is an altogether different experience. A consistent 20-some degrees cooler than Phoenix, it was still warm the day we visited, but perfect for a bite to eat on Diablo’s roomy patio. Dills and I both ordered the Big Daddy Kane, the only burger I’ve ever had at this or the Tucson location. And why stray? It’s a cheddar cheeseburger with bacon and a special sauce, served on a hot-iron “db”-branded English muffin from Phoenix’s MJ Bread, named after your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper’s favorite rapper (seriously. BDK’s flow fathered both Biggie and JAY-Z’s style, and without his influence, rap would sound like, well, it would still sound like today’s bullshit now that I think about it).

Our burgers came with pickle slices under the bun AND a pickle wedge atop tomato and lettuce garnish. I enjoyed both styles of pickles along with water from our old-timey “keeper bottle” as a palate cleanser before digging into my burger when it arrived. As outlined previously, I’m usually good for tinkering with my burger, adding fries to the top, mayo to the bottom, cutting it in half; faithful readers know the drill by now. The Big Daddy Kane, however, is one of the few burgers I eat almost exactly as it’s served (sans pickles and knotted bamboo pick, of course). It’s perfect as-is, and as they always suggest you get your burger cooked medium-rare, it’s simply second nature for them to turn out a perfect patty every time. Oh yeah, and the beef all comes from two local ranches, and all their ingredients from nearby sources. I am very sorry I don’t know the ins and outs of such an arrangement, but DB seems pretty serious about the economic and ecological benefits of such an arrangement; I just know it produces a great-tasting burger.

I give the Big Daddy Kane at Diablo Burger a 10/10, my usual, but still, my highest rating to date. I asked Dilly what she remembered about her experience and she said “I like all burgers so my thoughts were probably like ‘mmm this is yummy.’” A girl after my own heart.

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The Counter # $11 Combo

by 🅿️

I wrote an overlong review. Here’s take two. The burger was perfect; The Counter has a good system for turning out precisely-cooked patties. It came with cheddar cheese, which is good, as substitutions aren’t allowed with the four (beef, veggie, chicken, turkey) basic burgers on their $11 “Counter Combo” (burger and a side) menu. Brioche bun, fresh tomato slices, red onion, lettuce blend. It came with a side of red relish (tasty, but a pass for me on a burger), and pickle slices on the bottom bun. Hard pass.

Applied some of my side choice of shoestring fries under the top bun, a bit of mayo on the bottom bun.  Sliced and ate. It was great, on par with The Vig’s “Classic Burger,” but with cheddar instead of American cheese, and twice the price, so we’ll call it a draw (death to American). It’s also available any day of the week, unlike my previous “burger deal” reviews, and when all is said and done, you’re really just saving a buck fifty off the items ordered a la carte. 10/10 burger, but really, what isn’t.

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Steve’s Greenhouse * $6 Burger

by 🅿️

I really enjoyed this burger, the fries especially. I want to get that out of the way, as I have already written this review a couple times and somehow lost it twice. As a testament to the goodness of Steve’s Cowboy Burger, I’ve had one every week since writing the review, and it’s been just as good every time. I’m really over starting from scratch, so be forewarned, I’m trying to recreate my first review experience, but this will be kind of a composite review, because memories are only based on prior recollection of the original event and there is no way to truly know anything.

In the original review, I wrote something about how Carl’s Jr. used to make a big deal out of its “Six Dollar Burger” that was supposedly on par with a turn of the century restaurant burger but only cost about four bucks. It was a bitch of a passage to write, as I connected the rising cost of both quick serve and sit-down burgers, my love of Carl’s Jr.’s Western Bacon Cheeseburger, first experienced here in AZ, and my enduring affection for fried onions and barbecue sauce on my burgers. No chance I’m going to recreate that magic here, but just know that Steve’s Cowboy Burger is kind of an ultimate burger experience for me.

It comes with cheddar cheese, Simon will be happy to know. Pretty sure I neglected to say this in my first review, but that small detail really puts this burger over the top for me. There’s a lot of nice attention to detail here. In my last review, I lamented the quality of buns offered at JT’s, and while Steve’s is similarly blue-collar in presentation, their whole wheat buns really stand up to all the tampering I do to my burger. Up top, I pour the provided side of BBQ sauce on top of the fried onion straws, bacon, and cheese, and down below, I baste my lettuce leaf and tomato with mayo. There’s no slice of onion included with this garnish, since you’re already getting some of the fried variety on the other side of the patty. It does come with a pickle wedge, and just as with JT’s pickle chips, I eat it as a palate cleanse. I imagine I would never stop laughing if I saw someone try to stuff a pickle wedge under a bun and eat it that way. I want to see someone do that so badly now.

Oh, yeah, I think I’d remarked on the interesting presentation of this burger in a previous review. The thing comes with the garnish atop the bun, skewered all the way through with a steak knife. The burger’s sitting on an aluminum pizza tray, along with portion cups of the BBQ sauce and my requested mayo, as well as a tin cup of fries. Oh man, those fries. We’ll get to them in a bit. But now that the burger was properly prepped, time to put that steak knife to work and slice this burger in half.

Steve’s delivered a perfectly prepared medium-rare patty every time I’ve gotten this burger. It’s quite the accomplishment. My previous reviews of Steve’s made note of how I’d finished the first half of the burger before remembering I was supposed to be reviewing the thing. It was really that good, and I think it happened again on a more recent visit. The juicy, generously-sized patty, slightly greasy but crispy onion straws and bacon, gooey cheese and sweet barbecue... you know, I have no idea how I was planning to finish this sentence. Writing about food is such an insane thing to do. It’s a cheeseburger with all the stuff I like on it, it reminds me of my childhood, I enjoyed it.

Oh yeah the fries. I do understand the need for text-based description of these golden wonders. I get it, you don’t know me, might not share my delight in paying six bucks for a burger in a sit-down restaurant, and don’t have the same childhood memories that cause me to enjoy the combination of fried onions, bacon, and barbecue sauce. Like if I said “tangy but sweet barbecue sauce,” what does that even mean. But these fries. They are not like other fries. Other fries that are good are crispy on the outside, have a nice mushy consistency inside, and are then seasoned to taste, sometimes with weird shit like garlic or Sriracha. These fries are flaky! Like they’re battered or something? Is that a thing? I have eaten a lot of french fries and hand to god outside of your wedge vs. shoestring vs. standard cut, attempts to differentiate between various fast food places’ versions, or some gimmicky flavoring, they’ve always been kind of the same. Like, maybe some will have potato skin still on them or something. Nah, man. Steve’s fries have this bubbly crispy texture you get on onion rings and I have never had anything like them.

I recall my original review having some slick shit to say about not only the slightly off-kilter but charming presentation of the burger, the fact that it’s kind of like from that last wave of downtown Phoenix growth that came with the sports stadiums back in the 90s. I mentioned how there was a Diamondbacks game in extra innings on the TV, and the ‘Backs won with a walk-off home run, and was a cool little moment. I talked about the menu reminding me of an east coast diner in its depth and breadth (”burgers to biryani to bolognese,” I may have said). I was trying to artfully draw some kind of conclusion about the *new* downtown Phoenix as represented by The Vig and other more modern places, and I’m not going to try to do that again. I will, however point out something I noticed since writing those original reviews; Steve’s sits beside the Arizona Latino Arts and Cultural Center as the only tenants on the first floor of a convention center garage, and that Phoenix is fucking strange.

Steve’s Greenhouse Grill’s Cowboy Burger gets a perfect ten out of ten, with an additional 10/10 for the absolutely perfect fries. You add those together and Steve’s has earned an amazing 20/20, a score never before given by me, and yes, I know how math works. I did not hear you complaining that my previous 10/10 scores are really 1/1 when you reduce it to its lowest terms. All cheeseburgers are perfect in their own way.

Fuck that was a long one, longer than my previous attempts, and I know for a fact I left out details like my appreciation for 24 oz. peopled plastic coke cups. I’ll do better next time. 

[burgsofphoenix-blog]

JT’s Bar & Grill - Two for Tuesday

by 🅿️

JT’s is an Arcadia sports bar that’s been around since the mid-90s, the kind of neighborhood institution where regulars who’ve had a bit too much to drink get rides home from the General Manager and take their second “buy one, get one” burger for the road.

I also wonder if these kind of places will survive in the new Phoenix. My previous review was of The Vig Fillmore, one of five Vigs in neighborhoods around the valley. While The Vig concept offers generous patio space, carefully curated music and “elevated bar fare,” JT’s proudly bills itself as “Arcadia’s Friendly Neighborhood Dive Bar.”

They said it, not me. And really, if it’s a “dive” at all, that’s really just by Arcadia standards, or the new normal for Phoenix in the twenty-teens. It has the most modest of patios, a handful of outdoor barstools around an outdoor rail with a picturesque view of Camelback Mountain, some app-based jukebox and cell phone charging station, and the mainstay of turn-of-the 21st century sports bar, a Golden Tee golf video game.

Sports memorabilia and neon beer signs line the walls, along with a tasteful nude near the restrooms. The clientele on a Tuesday afternoon is made up of mostly middle-aged regulars, some celebrating after a round or two of golf, others wrapping up their workday, and some, getting carted home after pounding drinks since the bar’s 3PM opening time.

But day’s-end drinks and 2 for 1 burgers aren’t the main attraction at JT’s on Tuesday afternoon. It’s all about Katie, the star of the show. While I love a good deal on a burger, it’s the opening bartender that keeps me coming back to JT’s. When Katie’s on duty, the usual country music soundtrack is replaced by whatever tunes she chooses to set the mood, and that mood is always HIGH ENERGY. The woman is a goddamn delight, whether she’s announced that it’s “Disco Night,” if she’s singing along with some Weeknd, or if she’s teasing an older white regular that the Journey song that came up on her Pandora is “white people music.” And the crowd eats it up, me especially.

OK, this is a burger review, so let’s get to it. On Tuesdays, a cheeseburger usually in the nine dollar range, with add-ons at fifty cents each drops down to just $6.50, and to hear Katie tell it, there’s not much of a limit with what you can add to it. She’s regaled me with stories of onion rings, bacon and jalapeño on a burger, but I just stick to cheddar and sautéed mushrooms, medium rare. My standard burger. Two of those burgers will run about ten bucks, and today I was hungry.

Katie knows the routine. Since I bike about 45 minutes to get there, She sets me up with a Mist Twist® (no Coca-Cola® products here), letting me cool off for a bit before taking my burger order. Although she's chastised her inebriated regular for assuming she’s memorized his order, and I die a little when she reminds us that she has a life outside of JT’s and doesn’t spend the week thinking about our preferences, she remembers how I like my burger, even the sides of mayo. Feels good, man.

My first burger comes out, and its a thing of beauty. Cheddar cheese really is superior to American in every way; I think I’m going to capitalize the “C” to give it the same respect as its yellow counterpart, or at least lead sentences with it as often as possible. The mushrooms are cut thick and are plentiful. As a matter of fact, the thing is so loaded with ‘shrooms, I have to take a few off the top to keep my burger manageable. Now, there are no brioche buns at JT’s. It’s served with a pretty standard sesame seed bun, one that usually falls to shreds while I’m trying to finish the monstrosities I create at JT’s. A large leaf of lettuce gets split down the spine, and I eat half of it before the rest is placed on the burger. I also down the three or four pickle slices in this pregame session, my standard burger setup won’t really allow for them.

Bottom bun gets mayo, lettuce, mayo, tomato, mayo, and onion slice. This time I forget and put some mayo between the onion and patty. You have to go straight mayo to meat to avoid slippage, and I tend to forget this at JT’s. Katie’s dancing behind the bar at this point. I put some ketchup on top of the mushrooms, then carefully line french fries on top of it all. JT’s serves standard french fries, and if I take the time to pick out the right lengths, I can get pretty good coverage of my burger. Add a little Ketchup on top, drop on the bun, then but the burg in half. It’s time to feast!

Katie’s put my order in as “rare,” but we both know it’s likely to come back on the medium side of my beloved medium rare, as is the case today. Julio in the kitchen has a heavy hand on the grill, and their setup is of the short order variety, which doesn’t lend itself to precision-cooked patties, especially with the variables of melting cheese, sautéing mushrooms, or carmelizing onions. This is a bar burger, nothing “elevated” about it, especially the price, so it’s still perfect.

My earlier slip-up with the mayo comes back to haunt me on both halves of the burger. The bun’s not doing me any favors, and my own liberal application of fries and ketchup causes things to fall apart, as they tend to. The burger’s still exactly what it’s supposed to be; sweet, greasy, messy, melty and tasty. Katie’s kept my Mist Twist full, and knowingly gives me time before asking if I’m ready for round two. When the time comes, I tell her I am, a duplicate of my first burger. I like what I like.

This review has already gone on for too long. I give JT’s Bar & Grill burger a 10/10. For about ten bucks on Tuesdays, you’re getting two hefty, quintessential bar burgers, and if you want to take it there, you could stack each of those burgers with so many extras they could cost twelve bucks apiece any other night of the week. Plus you get Katie, the most effervescent personality I’ve come across in quite some time, providing amazing service and tons of bonus entertainment. But I will point out this one thing. Look at the burger up top, then the one pictured here. Notice a difference in the color of the cheese? Notice how one is golden, the other, just...yellow? FUCK AMERICAN CHEESE, I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS, JULIO, I STILL ADORE YOU, KATIE!

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The Vig (Fillmore) :: 5$ Mondays

by 🅿️

This is an American Cheeseburger. My partner in dine hates American cheese with all very soul, and god help you if I’m expecting a nice, sharp cheddar, and get some processed shit that tastes like they left the cellophane wrapper on it. The appropriately-named “Classic Burger” at The Vig’s Fillmore location does American right.

Mondays are five buck burger night at The Vig, with certain restrictions, including no substitutions. So while I’d maybe prefer cheddar, but I’m not going to complain about such a good deal. The burger came with two nice slices of authentic American cheese under its brioche bun, and shredded  lettuce, a sliced onion and a tomato slice under its hefty patty.

I’m usually good for a whole production when prepping a burger for consumption. Slathering the underside of the patty and bottom bun with mayo, then laying a leaf of lettuce on the bun, more mayo, tomato slice, more mayo, then onion. I’m also good for adding some fries on top of the cheese (very necessary in making my old middle school lunch burgers edible) and adding some ketchup on top before replacing the bun.

The Classic Burger’s pre-prepped veggies and gorgeous presentation interrupted my usual routine. It also comes with a side of their own “special sauce,” and I wasn’t sure if this horseradishey concoction would conflict with or complement my normal additions, so I just went for it. I sliced the burger in two, and...

It was perfect. Preparing a medium-rare patty is an under appreciated art, and the back-of-the-house staff at The Vig fucking nailed it. When you hit just the right amount of juicy pinkness and a tasteful dab of grease dripping to the plate, there’s no need for accouterment. 

My first bite was pure bliss. You know the mechanics. Your teeth sink into the bun, pushing patty and melted cheese into your mouth first. Usually, a lettuce leaf or onion slice won’t find its way into the mix until your choppers find purchase and incisors start doing some incising. But the expertly prepped veggies went immediately along for the ride. From first bite to last, I was getting the full Vig Classic Burger experience. I’d planned to try the second half with special sauce, but only wound up dipping a couple times, and didn’t really find it vital to the Classic Burger experience.

The plate also comes piled high with nicely seasoned shoestring fries, which I alternated eating bare, dipped in ketchup, as well as in special sauce. Tasty any which way you choose.

And it was all five bucks! My guy Christian was a prince and didn’t charge me for my Coke®, so the grand total was $5.43 for a meal with a regular menu price of $12! Remember: always reward great service and tip your server based on the regular menu price when getting a discount, you may get a free fountain drink out of it!

I’m going to give the Vig Classic Burger a 10/10. Spoiler Alert: I’m pretty sure that’s the only rating I’ll give any burgers on this blog, especially great deals like this one. I mean, they are burgers, and burgers are always a perfect ten in my book. Unless I’m expecting cheddar and get American. Then, hellfire shall rain down.

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Bitter and Twisted : Tricky Dicks

I have never been to Bitter and Twisted and for some reason I was expecting something like Titled Kilt. I don't know why but I was really pleasantly surprised by the fact that it was a really cozy spot. From the north side of the building were plush over sized booths with big dreamy red curtains, then on raised flooring were the high top tables, and then bar seating. I got to watch a pro bartender play out his alchemy with fancy cocktails I have never seen before.

So here's the thing about the burgers at Bitter and Twisted. They just aren't like other burgers. I like a classic burger. If I am served a burger without tomatoes I am sending it back.

Anyway. WITH THAT SAID, I had the Ramen "Momo" Burger with an amber ale and the Dragon Dumpling Burger.

So my burgers did not have tomatoes on it. Typically this would infuriate me to the point of devolution where I am seen standing on the bar throwing my feces in protest. But as a mah-too-er 26 year old woman I have learned some things about life. Know where the fuck you are at. I was not in any old burger joint. These were crafty mother fuckers. These were not burger makers. These were arty farty chefs showing off. They had no respect for the art of the classic simplicity of a traditional burger. So I threw everything I held firm to my heart in the fucking trash and went into this burger experience as if I knew nothing. As if I had never burgered.

It was a pretty good meal. It filled me up to the point of being uncomfortable without any kind of side. The ramen bun was crispy and soft and nice on my teeth. I, as per usual, asked for the meat to be cooked as rare as they felt ok doing so and it came out so dark pink even I was like, "wait, are you sure?" It was really good. For what it was. Which was a new take on a classic thing and even though I wanted to try something new it didn't really feel like a burger. It was its own thing. Which was delicious. But it just didn't feel like a burger to me. I loved it, but not for the right reasons? But it felt so right? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME RAMEN BURGER?!

Here's the break down. Weird alien ramen noodle bun that everyone is like, "HOW DID THEY DO THAT?!" they probably just cooked up some noodles, packed them in a container to shape them, let them chill for a minute, then fried them. Or maybe not. I didn't make it, I don't fucking know. Then there's jalapeno mayo. It was good. There was some sriracha, a soy sauce of some sort that I couldn't place my finger on, there was some sesame in there too as well as pepper jack cheese and some caramelized onions. See, I can't tell if I really enjoyed it because they tricked me with some you-aint-never-had-nothing-like-this-befoh shit or if it was in fact really good. I think it was really good.

Oh and it paired well with the amber ale I had. The cocktails there looked fucking amazing. Little magic tonics. Go try some. Tell me about them. I'm not really drinking too much these days, you know. Gotta take it easy. Feel the breeze, so to speak. Hear the whisper with a sober ear, so they say. Stop throwing up in the fucking shower, the ex suggested. Whatever.

But wait, there was another. The Dragon Dumpling Burger. Essentially a giant dumpling filled with a pork patty. There was definitely oyster sauce in there. I love that shit. It was served on an English muffin with AMERICAN FUCKING CHEESE. OK, so no tomatoes and you actually have american cheese in your restaurant? What the fuck? These are two of my biggest red flags. What are you fucking doing Bitter and Twisted? I have a lot to say so I will return to this. *Big breath* again with the jalapeno mayo. I mean, it's good. I get why you use it. There was also a plate of some fancy pickles that were delicious. There was a dipping sauce that was also delicious. OK, whatever, the burger was delicious. It may not be the burger I would ever crave when wanting an actual burger but it is what it is. Maybe Bitter and Twisted is trying to teach me something about expectation and keeping an open mind. I appreciate that, B&T. I really do. I can even forgive the lack of tomatoes. There is never ever an excuse to use american cheese. Never. You can teach this old dog to open the fucking mind but you can't pretend american cheese is OK. Will not accept that smoke screen over my eyes.

6/10 good food and I will go back to try their inventive menu but not for a burger. Though I enjoyed what I had this evening I can't lie to you and tell you it was a burger. It was the artistry of a talented chef thinking outside the box and having a good time. Also american cheese helped lower the score. Fuck you american cheese.

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Aoili Burger; Getting the Teeth Wet

I began my burger journey with Jack Cavenaugh. Unbeknownst to me he had already written a review on this place a year or so ago which by some sort of creepy, underlying, burger senses solidified that Burger Trek 2017 was definitely the right thing to do with my life. This was also one of the first times I got to really have a sit with this dude, and what a cool dude.

Aoili Burger is found on 32nd st and Shea blvd. It's got a retro feel with some bright reds, shiny white counters and minimal seating, complimented with cozy touches like hand written specials on large butchers paper with cute drawings. The staff was personable and genuine which was really refreshing. I personally hate phoned in service, I would honestly rather have someone be snarky and shitty towards me if that's how they are really feeling. I often fall madly in love with servers who don't give a shit about me. I love it. But I also love people who ACTUALLY seem to enjoy talking to you. Anyway.

I ordered their signature burger, the Aoili Burger, with a strawberry shake. Jack bought us a flight of fries which was a regular batch of fries with a variety of different sauces abundant in but not limited to aoilis. Brioche buns are tastey, which I got, but you can be kind of healthier with a lettuce option. They have roasted veggies too if you really want to kid yourself that you're a healthy person walking into a burger shop. They sounded really good. The shake was delicious, thick but sippable. Mine was at least. Jack seemed to struggle with his chocolate shake.

The flight of fries was alright. The sauces were good. I'm not one to need a dipping resource. I like fries just for who they are. They were lightly seasoned and unassaulting. They were crispy enough, on the thicker side. They didn't blow my mind. They were good for dipping in a shake (which if you've never tried you absolutely should). If you like fries, get them. If you don't like fries then don't expect these to convert you.

SO THE BURGER. It was really good, guys. Especially for the price. It was juicy without being greasy. I always request my burger to be cooked as rare as the kitchen feels comfortable serving. I have gotten some bloody burgs in my day. They definitely stayed in a safe zone of potential food poisoning but there was a lot of pink in the patty and I was happy. The lettuce was big leafs, which I personally like. The cheese was melty, aged sharp cheddar which DELIGHTED ME. I hate american cheese. There. I said it. Its atrocious. Stop serving it. You have no taste if american cheese is on your burger. So thanks Aoili, thank you so much for having one of my very favorite cheeses. The bun was appropriately slathered in a roasted garlic aoili and apple wood smoked bacon jam. Both were really tasty and nothing out-sung the other. Tomato slices are very important to me. Thin little bitch slices reflect on your cheapness. Aoili, you are far from cheap and yet you offer an 8$ burger with the most beautiful BBW tomato slices. I love you. Thank you.

Jack originally fell for this place when he'd order from their food truck but it doesn't seem as though it comes down to Phoenix anymore. Strange, starting a best-burger-in-phoenix blog in Scottsdale but I don't follow rules, ahkay? It's worth the stop if you're in that side of town. It was a good sized burger without being gross and it was affordable on its own at 8$. You can get a burger, fries and a drink for 10$. In the burger world we call that "pretty fucking good".

If I were to use a whatever out of 10 scale to rate these things I would give Aoili a 7/10. The burger really was worth the drive out of Phoenix and they got good shakes but I love a beer with my burger and their fries were a solid alright. I would look forward to returning to this place if I were in the area just to try something new since their menu had a lot of creative options kindly including vegetarians. Their special at the time was an ahi tuna burger which sounds amazing. They seem hella considerate with options for DOGS on their menu, a small kids menu, some floats if milkshakes don't do it for you, and appetizers like mac & cheese bites that'd comfort the shit out of you on a rough day. Please bring back your food truck to the good people of Phoenix. They deserve it, trust me, I know them.

Check out Jacks music, it’s very good: https://soundcloud.com/weareinuit

[burgsofphoenix-blog]

When I was a kid my mom would take me to this place called Georges Kitchen. Home life kind of sucked so going out to eat with my mom was always something I'd look forward to. On a good day she'd be silly and confide in me. On a bad day we'd both be eating our feelings and venting or embracing the silence. There was an understanding with food that brought some sort of innate feeling of connection I couldn't find in most avenues of my life.

I went through a phase of getting a cheese burger and fries. At the time I just really liked ketchup and whatever served as a better ketchup vessel was what struck my fancy. As any maturing young woman child who eats the same thing over and over does, I started to develop a palate. My dad ordered a steak rare once. And so I would try this in burger form. It was fucking awesome. I loved burgers. I loved bloody meat juice. I was a carnivore who didn't know shit about life to wonder where my food came from and so I bore into my own heart the need of the flesh. A curse. A great dilemma that would later plague me. I loved the death that mimicked life as it ran down my stupid, grubby, little, dumb hands. It was delicious.

My mom was taking me to places in Cleveland, Ohio since that's where we lived. I moved to Arizona just about 9 years ago, found Phoenix about 5 years in. I could eat any burger and be happy with the privilege, but to nurture ones passion is a privilege all its own.

I fucking love burgers. I will find the greats, perhaps even the best of burgers in Phoenix.

Since I am never alone in my burgerdom a good friend of mine, P., will be dropping in on some of his burg thoughts. P. doesn’t know it, I don’t think, but he is a dear friend of mine. We don’t know much about each others “personal” lives because we are often working out what’s really going on around us. A lot of theories. A lot of crazy talk. A lot of good times. Thanks for sharing so many burgs and thoughts with me. 

“There’s infinite amounts of things and infinite amounts of non things. I love infinity. I love the concept of this shit.”