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It's so hard to live when you just want to die

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How do I sue Bank of America? Asking for a poor friend who pays $12 a month because there's not enough money in the account. Stealing from the poor and giving to the rich, much? Shame on you Bank of America. There's a special place in Hell for you.

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What if you were one of those archeological sites. People coming from near and far just to visit your old, decrepit mug. Ugh, you'd have such an ego.

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Me, a vegan: hmm, i do believe these man made chemicals will be far healthier for me than organic made food, provided by the sweet earth, which my cells know exactly how to process

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You seriously crunching on that mango?

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If i just lay here long enough I'll go unconscious

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All I ever wanted for Christmas was Christmas

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Them: tell us, why do you want this job? What makes you qualified?

Me: every time I see 11:11 I wish for it.

Them: no further questions! Hired!

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Weekday me goes to sleep at 10:30 and takes regular showers. Weekend me sleeps with pizza boxes on my bed.

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I recently moved and got a new phone number. The number I inherited is from a lady named Carole. How do I know this, you might be asking yourself? I know this because Carole apparently hasn't been paying her mortgage while simultaneously looking for new houses to purchase. She's been signing up for deals and coupons via text. She's been shopping around for car insurance, doing internet surveys, and is part of all 3 political parties. Carole seems pretty busy. I'd like to meet her someday. #todayifuckedup #wrongnumber #stopcallingme

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A note is a note is a note.... but 2 notes..... that's one more than one! #notes

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This world is so silly. All the fuss is either about who you're attracted to or how attractive you are. Really, it's made this whole place quite disgusting. #shallow #attraction #world #getoveryourself

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I've gotten so lazy over the last years with the upkeep of my eyebrows that they've finally caught up with the trend. #eyebrows

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You ever get symmetrically placed pimples? #pimples

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Time is but a mere construct, they say. Yes. But then, what is waiting desperately patient for something you feel you can’t live without?

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And of course... right when i need you the most, you.....ghost.

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Pretty sure my last words will be 'oh shit'