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You can't, you can't catch me now I'm comin' like a storm into your town You can't, you can't catch me now I'm higher than the hopes that you brought down

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Healing

This guy doesn’t have to be “the one,” though that would be so great; he just has to be not him. It feels weird moving on. It’s like every step forward also means another heartbreak. It’s good though, but it means that when a cute boy buys me dinner I’m happy on the way home, but also a bit sad. It means that when I get kissed eventually, I might cry. When I finally sleep next to someone new, I’ll probably wake up thinking it’s the wrong person for a second. This is all good, though. It means that time is moving just how it is supposed to. It means that he wasn’t the only person I was ever supposed to love. It means that I’m ok and I can make new plans for my life. 

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GOOD RIDDANCE (DELUXE) - Gracie Abrams Writing this record allowed me to grow up in ways I needed to. It forced me to reflect and be accountable. It allowed me to walk away from versions of myself that I no longer recognized. It allowed me to let go.

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“I’ve always liked quiet people: You never know if they’re dancing in a daydream or if they’re carrying the weight of the world.”

— John Green, Looking for Alaska

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Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

-Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol 9: The Kindly Ones

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OLIVIA RODRIGO Vampire (Official Music Video) | 2023

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GET HIM BACK! 2023, dir. Jack Begert

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and at the end of the day, people will still hate women.

because beyonce is a terrible songwriter who has a good body and nothing more and she's really nothing compared to olivia rodrigo, that stuck-up bitch who steals other people's music, but taylor swift is an old, bitter nothing who clearly hates other girls. and sabrina carpenter deserves to die because she followed her heart, not her brain, and that's exactly why zendaya will never be good enough for tom holland. don't forget about kylie jenner, who's stealing precious timothee's innocence away and dating her is like committing arthouse cinema suicide, or how we said the same thing about miley cyrus and her disgusting profanity, think of the children, poor liam hemsworth, trapped in a marriage with such a horrible woman. lana del rey was hot until she was big and she made trailerpark sexy until her ass got a little too fat. and ariana grande, talentless homewrecker, and selena gomez, jealous and unreasonable, and hailey bieber, even more boring than the blood drying on the knives you are so quick to pull. sophie turner is a bad mom and megan thee stallion deserved whatever was coming to her.

and amidst all of this, we still don't know these women. we cannot fathom the pain of having a public divorce, one where people choose sides and hurl insults at you until the battery on their phone dies. we don't watch them chase after sweet-cheeked children in tucked-away backyards or play board games with their best friends while their chests heave in laughter. we don't know their marriages and we don't know their solitudes. we don't watch them unravel themselves, time and time again, preparing for the battle that we have made of their lives. they can never make a mistake. they can never cry. they can never be who they believe themselves to be.

and we take all of this and we go to work, we ride the bus, we go grocery shopping, we walk in dappled sunlight, and we let ourselves shrivel. i compare myself to every body i see and i comfort in the fact that i can still encircle my wrists with my fingers. food turns to dust in my mouth when i think about the fact that taylor swift thinks she's fat and people still hate sabrina carpenter for sticking by joshua bassett's side when he almost died, for God's sake, and now the people on my twitter feed are saying GUTS is the worst album they've ever heard. i liked it, the tiny voice in my head cries out. she wrote songs that made me feel noticed. they're calling the song i relate to the most a total skip.

so i close the app. i try not to think about the endless profiles screaming about how much they hate a nineteen/thirty-two/thirty-eight/twenty-three/twenty-six/forty-two year old. i try not to think about how much they would hate me, if they knew anything at all.

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I ask you to remember that you loved me too

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“When Harry met Sally, and you fell asleep - I closed your computer and stole the top sheet. I was strung out in Austin for nearly a week; Anxiety like we were kids.

I've been thinkin' too much and it's ruined my nights, But it's hard when it isn't, to let yourself slide. And my heart doesn't slow down when you kill the lights. … I never learned to call it quits.

- If I could see the future, I never would believe her! Fallin' in and out of love and fallin' in again. We were never any good at being friends. .

. . I'll go hungry and crazy and honest for you, I don't always get angry but I'm promisin' to, -If it's all that you want then it's all that I can do, Desire, I never made any sense.

I'll wait for years, but I won't wait alone.”

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Dreamy mood in the paintings by Henri Le Sidaner (French, 1862-1939)

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Jimmy: You think I don’t know where Alice got that 15 minutes thing from? Paul, you’ve been talking to her, behind my back! Paul: Yeah? So what of it? You got something to say? Jimmy: Yeah, you know what, I do! (sincerely) Thank you.

Shrinking 1x03 - Phoebe Bridgers

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There are so many things I want to say to you.

Things I’ll never get to say because I’m too strong to let you in again.

Things like I love you more than you’ll ever know. That you’ve loved me more than anyone before. That before you love was just something to use. That you were supposed to be my everything.

Things like I wish I knew how you felt right now. That I hope you are as fucked up as I am. That your friends and family hate you for hurting me how you did. That you regret it every day and are just too scared to tell me.

There’s more. There’s so much more to say. Things like how could you, why did you, what were you thinking, who hurt you, when did you decide to break me? But I just can’t. How would it help me? How would it change where I am? If I told you everything I wanted it would just hurt me again.

So I have to sit. Hold all these feelings in my heart and just pray they leave one day. The thing is they’ll never leave because I’ve always loved you. From the day i met you I wanted to be yours and I just don’t think I see that changing any time soon.

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Lyrics I wish I wrote:

- “you couldn’t have stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody who loved you more” Moon Song, Phoebe Bridgers

- “For the lovers who found a mirrored heart, they just remind me I’m without you” mirrored heart, FKA Twigs

- “From strangers to friends, friends into lovers, then strangers again” Strange, Celeste

- “It’s always on the tip of my toungue. I read an article on the internet told me that’s how you know you’re falling in love” hate to be lame, Lizzy McAlpine feat. FINNEAS

- “The funny thing is I would have married you if you’d have stuck around” doomsday, Lizzy McAlpine

- “I wanna make you fall in love as hard as my poor parents teenage daughter, she’ll be the best you’ve ever had if you let her” waiting room, Phoebe Bridgers

- “You said Scarlett I don’t need to be responsible for everything you’re feeling. You’re an emotional grim reaper I feel bad for you.” scarlett, Holly Humberstone

- “I can see it now the wedding of the year I can see it now he stands up there and wipes his tears. I can see it now when all my ghost disappear.” all my ghosts, Lizzy McAlpine

- “God rest my soul I miss who I used to be. The wound won’t close, stained glass windows in my mind…I regret you all the time.” would’ve could’ve should’ve, Taylor Swift

- “And honest I can tell you now I love you more than my future spouse” I’d have to think about it, Leith Ross

- “where you came and I laughed and you left and I cried. Where you told me even if we die tonight that I’d die yours” a house in Nebraska, Ethel Cain

- “I lie to her and say that I’m doing fine when really i would kill myself to hold you one more time” a house in Nebraska, Ethel Cain

- “Please don’t ever become a stranger who’s laugh I could recognize anywhere” New Year’s Day, Taylor Swift

- “Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams. Speak the language of love like you know what it means” Simply the Best, Noah Reid

- “I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror” Anti-Hero, Taylor Swift

- “After everything would you let me in and love me now” would you love me now, Joshua Bassett

- “No one wanted to play with my as a little kid so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me and make it feel effortless” Mastermind, Taylor Swift

- “You don’t get to take all of me, set me free” Set me free, Joshua Bassett

- “It’s been a fucking year” Set me free, Joshua Bassett

- “Who I am made it all worth the while and these scars will be stories I tell all in due time” all in due time, Joshua Bassett

- “I know my love should be celebrated but you tolerate it” tolerate it, Taylor Swift

- “You’re good at the giving too much then getting scared. You’re good at impersonating someone who cares” decode, Sabrina Carpenter

- “Do something babe say something. Lose something babe risk something. Chose something babe I got nothing to believe unless you’re choosing me” you’re losing me, Taylor Swift

- “I wouldn’t marry me either. A pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her.” you’re losing me, Taylor Swift

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le mort de moi

The only thing worse than a sudden end is anticipating your death for months on end. That creeping pit of anguish building in your stomach all coming to a head on a fateful day.

I knew it was coming how could I not? Every touch was paralyzing and every kiss was erasing my thoughts. It was like every moment could be our last and I needed to soak it up before it was gone.

There were moments I wasn’t sure. Days where you looked at me like I was your whole world and I knew this was forever. Times you kissed me gently with promises there would be more.

I hoped you would spare me cause I didn’t want a bitter end but you killed me anyway like you were doing it as a friend. You killed me in an airport parking lot like an afterthought.

You kept stumbling over your words, the tears in your eyes and lump in your throat getting in the way. You couldn’t quite figure out where to put the knife until I told you it goes in my heart.

And with that I was dead. No chance of resurrection, even after you asked over and over again.

In reflection it was a beautiful service. The choir sang of mourning and love while you had to sit and watch the consequences of what you’d done.

When it was time you said the eulogy full of I’ll always care for you and other bullshit to make yourself feel better meanwhile the audience felt the murderer didn’t deserve to speak.

As you wept bent over my body, the priest peered into the casket with me and the dress you buried me in. He first thought this was a wedding.

Not even dead a week and you tried to resurrect me. Saying you killed me too fast, speeding before you got to say what you needed. I listened from beyond the grave but let’s be honest you just wanted to bury your guilt.

There’s nothing left now. I decompose slowly hoping my death killed you too. But if you turn around and tell me you love me I’ll rise from my ashes just to be with you

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“This tradition of cutting each others hearts out hurts like a knife”