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[bpdwh0r3]

'I Love You'

I already feel myself losing feelings for my partner, they told me that they love me and at first it felt great to know someone actually loves me; not because they are basically forced to by the law, but because they want to. But now... Idk I just don't like them as much, I feel myself not being as excited to see their texts and not caring as much, this happens every time, every time someone tells me they love me either platonically or especially romantically I find myself losing interest either that very second or the next day if not a couple hours after they tell me they love me. I don't know why this happens every time.

I just thought of a quote from one of the 'You' book series, it's by quenevier beck, she said "I love to be wanted, I love new things" and idk, I get it, I love the whole being wanted part, just not for an extended period of time.

I think I'm scared of being loved, maybe it's because of my fear of abandonment or something, or it's something else, who knows.

[bpdwh0r3]

Tw: r4pe k1nk, s0mnoph1llia

You're sleeping soundly after a long night out after he slipped a little something in your drink when he gets a b0ner and he turns you on your back and begins taking your panties off, he takes his c0ck out and slowly slides into you. He goes slow and not to hard at first but quickly gets faster and goes harder and can't help himself but c*m inside of you. You wake up the next morning with no memory of the night before or what he did to you, when you try to get up you notice the bruises on your inner thighs and your p*ssy, you notice that you're bleeding and are in pain because of how hard he went, he comes into your room and carries you into the bathroom for you to see that he had prepared a bath for you you undresses you and you both get into the tub, he washes you and takes care of your wounds.

[bpdwh0r3]

The Ocean

I wake up in the morning and look out my window at the beach to see that there's a drout once again. I go on with my day until suddenly a storm rises upon me, and then the flood comes. It takes houses, people, everything in its way with it. It finally stops after a couple of hours but instead of there being calm waters the drout comes right back. That's the way it always is. It's rare for there to be calm waters. For me, it's a natural phenomena. At times I wonder; if in other part of the world the waters are calmer or the same as mine.

[bpdwh0r3]

Uh oh somebody can't control themselves when they're in an episode (me)

[bpdwh0r3]

ASPD vs. BPD

If you think having BPD is hrd, try having BPD and ASPD at the same time. The best word I could use to describe it in my opinion is "confusing". Because that's what it's like for me, it's an ongoing struggle between both struggling feeling emotions and feeling them 1.000.000x stronger than the average person when you do feel them. It's finding it impossible to feel shame, to feeling like you're the worst person in the world and experiencing an immense amount of shame when someone doesn't say "I love you" back because you think that it's all your fault because you're the worst person in the world. It's not caring at all if/when somebody in your life leaves you because most people are just pawns and easily replacable, but if certain people were to leave, you would k1ll yourself. Having both BPD and ASPD is a consant struggle of not feeling human or feeling too human.

[bpdwh0r3]

Things that don’t make you a bad person:

Displaying “scary” symptoms of mental illness

Being diagnosed with multiple disorders

Having one or various personality disorders

Being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, or ASPD

Having very low empathy, or no empathy

Having symptoms that cause anger, emptiness, or paranoia

Having triggers or “strange” personal boundaries

Needing extra help or accommodations

Having intrusive thoughts about upsetting or scary topics

[bpdwh0r3]

The urge to cover your entire body in Tattoos.

But also the urge to cover your entire body in cvts.

[bpdwh0r3]

TW: Scr4s please don't report I'm begging you they're healing

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[bpdwh0r3]

Is anyone else terrified of accidentally offing themselves during an episode even though they don't mean/want to?

[bpdwh0r3]

"But I can't have an eating disorder BECAUSE..."

“I eat too much!” There is no maximum calorie limit for eating disorders. An eating disorder is not about what you eat, but how you eat- your feelings/thoughts about your body and your intake.

“I’m not underweight!” The majority of people who develop an eating disorder will never become underweight. The only disorder that is diagnosed based partially on weight is anorexia- and for that, if you’re an average weight but meet every other criteria, you’ll still be diagnosed with ‘atypical anorexia nervosa’. It doesn’t mean you aren’t sick or that you don’t need help.

“I don’t meet the anorexia/bulimia guidelines!” OSFED (formerly known as EDNOS) is not a ‘failed’ eating disorder. It is every bit as serious as anorexia or bulimia. It is also the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder, meaning more people have this than anorexia or bulimia.

“I don’t make myself sick!” Vomiting is only one form of purging. You can have bulimia, anorexia or OSFED/ARFID and not make yourself sick.

“I still eat!” So does everybody else. You can’t photosynthesise, after all. Even people with eating disorders eat.

“I feel like a fake/ a fraud!” So does basically every single other eating disordered person. This is a really, really, really, really common feeling. You might feel guilty for ‘misleading’ other people into believing the problem is more serious than it is, or feel like you’re overblowing things. That’s totally normal and it is not true. You are not a fake or a fraud.

“I eat things that no real anorexic would eat!” I have known eating disordered patients with these safe foods: chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola I have known eating disordered patients with these fear foods: : chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola Safe/fear foods are not based on logic or reason. They are individualised. There are even people who don’t have any fear foods- they’ll eat anything, they’ll just feel crappy and purge it/ restrict afterwards. All of the experiences described here are those of a person with an eating disorder.

“I’ve never been inpatient!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“I’ve never been tube fed!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“I’ve never been near death!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“My blood work/ blood pressure is fine! Eating disorders affect different bodies in different ways. Some people find their blood work suffers; others find their blood pressure or pulse dips; others find that, whilst they’re suffering hugely mentally, their bodies hold up well. This is not a measure of how ‘sick’ you are. All of these things- weight, bp, pulse etc- are just symptoms of the sickness. The sickness is in your head.

“I don’t feel sick enough.” You never will. Sorry. “I’m not sick enough!” is one of the most common ED thoughts there is; please don’t listen to it. It is a lie. Do not compare your misery to someone else’s; nobody with stage I cancer says ‘yeah, but that person is a stage III, so I’m not really that bad and I won’t get any treatment yet’.

“I still get my period!” ‘Period loss’ has been removed from the DSM as necessary for a diagnosis of anorexia, and no other eating disorder requires it. It was viewed as a flawed measure of illness, and so it has been removed. Whether or not you get your period is not an indication of how ill you are.

“But I binge eat without throwing up” Binge eating disorder is a newly added eating disorder in the DSM, where people eat large amounts of food in an ‘out of control’ manner but then do not compensate inappropriately for it. It is very much a real eating disorder.

“I don’t calorie count/ weigh myself!” I know many people with eating disorders- including anorexia- who have never calorie counted, or who don’t own a pair of scales. It’s not required for diagnosis.

“I think about food all the time!” This is a symptom of an eating disorder. Malnutrition causes the brain to focus 100% of its attention on food- finding it, getting it, eating it. Daydreaming or fantasizing about food does not mean you are not sick; quite the opposite, in fact.

“But I enjoy eating!” Most people do. Eating is enjoyable. Even in the depths of my restriction, the food I ate brought me great pleasure. It’s linked to the previous point, to a certain extent. Enjoying food does not mean you don’t have an ED.

“But this is just how I am!” Eating disorders often start in early childhood, and it can be hard to break out of a pattern that well-entrenched. It’s not impossible, though. Chronic eating disorders can be harder to beat, but they can be beaten.

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(part of Mental Health Awareness week)

For more information on eating disorders and what to do if you think you have one, visit

www.b-eat.co.uk

www.webiteback.com

http://www.something-fishy.org

NHS- overcoming eating disorders

www.joyproject.org

[bpdwh0r3]

Any advice in how to get d33per cvtts? Please im begging you. I need them to form proper scars.

[bpdwh0r3]

loosing weight is so hard when that same exact voice in your head that tells you you’re ugly and fat and disgusting says that it’s ok to have that piece of cake. and it’s ok to have another. and another. and another. and then afterwards, it blames it on you.

[bpdwh0r3]

I recently realeased my very own blog called 'Ray's Thought's' just look up cloverraysthoughts.wordpress.com and check it out

[bpdwh0r3]

I had just regained control and I lost it again. But not again, I promise.

[bpdwh0r3]

I haven't eaten all day. I'm so fucking hungry. But I'm so fucking close to my Goal Weight so now I don't know if I should eat something super low in calories or just wait til tomorrow.

[bpdwh0r3]

Don't report please this is a vent just block me if you don't want to see this

Cvtting

You drag the bl4de across your freshly cleaned skin, praying for the courage to press down. You know you won't do it, but it's a nice thought.

You used to do it to feel better but now, you do it because you need to, the need to see the bl00d steaming out of your body as proof you are really human, dispite having the quality's of a monster, it's proof you are still alive, even though you know that on the inside, you aren't.

It's no longer about the sense of relief sl1cing your skin made you feel, because you always go back to feeling like shit, just like before.

You no longer care about being happy, it's completely overrated.

You no longer want to be happy.

So you don't care anymore.

Especially since evil people don't deserve to be happy

[bpdwh0r3]

Blank space

I am nothing,

I am noone,

I am empty,

I am broken,

I am a blank space.