bpdconfessions

[bpdconfessions]

SERIOUS ANNOUNCEMENT TO ANONS

First- I am sorry for the unannounced hiatus. The short explanation is I ran away, and as a result could not access this account.

Any anonymous mail sent on this account for the most part has been deleted- something's been fucked in my mail box, and my sibling had tampered with it until I was forced "home" today to keep me safe (my phone was at home).

Sincere apologies to any anons I never got to reply or post. Additionally, I will no longer be dropping my spin on things to every confession- it's exhausting and I don't want to seem like i favour others.

Thank you all.

[bpdconfessions]

Tw // mentions of suicidal ideations I used to be a director of this club. In December we were working on a report on google docs and instead of writing it on my notes, I wrote about my suicidal tendencies on the Google docs. However, since it was past midnight, I thought nobody would read cus we usually we had to tag the head 2-3 times for her to actually read the report. But that day, she somehow did. She read my suicide note and she called me. I didn't pick up the call so she called my parents. I got scared and called her back and I told her not to inform my parents especially at 1 am cuz yk they were fast asleep and it would disturb them. But she didn't listen, she crossed my boundary and called my parents at 1:30 am and told them everything.I didn't like it so I fought for myself and they terminated me from the club saying "I crossed their boundaries" when they were the ones who did it. Then they spread it in the college + clubs of different colleges. (Yk the same club has different Branches in different colleges)One of the girl who was the chair woman of a different branch came to know about this. She was also my ex schoolmate and our time together was pathetic. We live in the same building and she spread this in the entire building. Due to this my parents stopped getting invited to gatherings and parties even though my parents have ALWAYS been friendly and helpful. My neighbour taunted my mom saying "your daughter is all grown up so she does alot of big big talks" and she started giving dirty looks to my mom. So I decided to stand up to the girl cus why are my parents getting involved for a mistake I MADE. This was never about my parents. However this backfired badly in my face and yeah.

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My god, I seriously, seriously, hope that woman at the very least gets investigated. Why she was up at 1AM, then reporting it to your parents, and then SPREADING your personal business is beyond me. I hope you're okay.

[bpdconfessions]

Kind of just need to break an OCD circle and having a BPD/ASPD anger response.

Cw/tw Violent thoughts / Wishing harm

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My landlord said something kind of shitty, but found out my uostairs neighbor (apartment) is an AH. Apparently he's been dropping stuff intentionally loud, with no explanation provided. 99% sure he's been pirating wifi from my spouse and I. And it's just got me super pissed off right now. I kind of hope he gets evicted, or actually gets hurt (we called a welfare check, because it sounded like he was falling & has some background that would suggest it was a fall and no one informed us otherwise) and nothing happens because we got told if we called again, we'd be getting evicted for calling. I don't *actually* want him to get hurt but a part of me wants it to be a "the boy who cried wolf" situation so the landlord has to live with that. I know that's fucked up and I probably won't feel that way when I calm down, but right now that's how I feel. Gonna try and calm down, but this has been on the wash cycle in my brain for 20 minutes and I'm hoping this'll end my circle thinking.

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OP, it is great you tried to calm yourself down and good you came here as an outlet for your emotion rather than actively wishing that. Realizing those thoughts are bad is great- people like us cannot control much of what we think, rather how we can act. I hope you're okay now.

[bpdconfessions]

why am i never allowed to feel bad? both my ex and my fp have left me because of my mental health issues impacting our relationships. ive explained it to them so many times that im just depressed, have been for a third of my life now, but they take it as an afront to themselves even when ive assured them thats not the case. my ex left because i was at a low point mentally where i was always in a bad mood and couldnt give the same energy that i used to in the relationship, and my fp left because they thought my depression was getting worse because of them and they didnt want to be the cause of that anymore, even though i literally told them it wasnt because of them.

i can understand why they wanted to leave, but it's just like.... they were allowed to have depressive episodes and be unpleasant to be around and id still stay for them, but i was never allowed that same grace. what is wrong with me in particular? why is it the end of the world when i need a moment to be miserable? why can i not be loved when im at my worst too?

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I completely understand you, OP, my god. I hope one day, you manage to find yourself slowly making steps where your "worst" is not as bad as it is right now. You are trying, and we are proud. You can be loved at your worst, you can be loved at your most miserable. Stay safe.

[bpdconfessions]

I'd like to preface this with a sincere apology. I have been inactive due to personal reasons, and here, I am back.

[bpdconfessions]

I'm the Anon who sent in the thing about their partner's FP & some annoyance and jealousy.

I do know it takes quite a while, and I'm not pressuring them to do so, I swear. I haven't brought any of this up to my partner, and I don't intend to, because as you said - It takes a long time, and they don't need my jealousy making that process harder. /lh

I'm doing my best to just be supportive when it happens, and I do appreciate you mentioning the boundaries thing! I'll try to encourage healthy boundaries, while also being supportive towards the feelings they're going through. It also took me 2 years to get over mine - I think I just forget how long it messes you up for y'know? Esp since it hasn't been something I've experienced again, and ADHD can make you struggle with emotional permanence and time too.. (not an excuse!! Just explaining)

And of course.. Jealousy isn't easy either BUT I'm not gonna talk to them about this and I do my best to cope and deal with this solo, because I know they need my support with the complex and heartwrenching feelings that come along with the loss of an FP. I recognize that definitely didn't register in my first message and I completely get why.

I just wanna say thank you, for reminding me that it's really difficult, and for mentioning the boundaries thing. It's also nice to know that my feelings are valid too, even if communicating them is NOT a good idea. (Which is okay, they can be inside thoughts, and pass through, they don't need to be outside thoughts.)

Bless you, Admin/Mod. Really appreciate all that you do for everyone who comes into your ask box. I just wanted to clarify that, and I hope that's okay! Take care of yourself 💜

P.s. my partner is coping okay rn with the loss and focusing on positives and stuff instead! I'm very proud of them for doing their best!

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Hello! I am glad to hear a follow up! It seems my confession has had an effect and I am happy to hear. I hope you and your partner take care and feel better. xx

[bpdconfessions]

i’m literally losing my mind and creating fake characters in my head to fill the void and i genuinely believe in them and it kills me they’re not real and i can’t keep living like this i think im gonna die this year im doing awfully and i need help so bad

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My friend, I am so sorry you are coping through this way. You are not alone. Many people with and without BPD do the same thing. The fact you're acknowledging they aren't real and this is bad is brilliant. You are doing well- if you were not, you wouldn't have admitted this to a stranger online. I sincerley hope you get something to fill this void as soon as possible. xx

[bpdconfessions]

don’t think i’m making it to august #help

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OP, I hope you do. There are many reasons why you must make it to August until life takes you:

https://recovery-saved-me.tumblr.com/post/113254723369/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

Additionally, here are my reasons why you should not die before August:

Many good movies come out all the time. It would suck if you missed any

You seem to have a sense of humor. The world is going to be less funny without you.

People for sure care about you. I care, and if i did not, i would not respond.

Music. Full stop.

Spite of not becoming the next statistic

You will die before Trump.

You will die before Elon Musk

You will die before Israel's prime minister

You will die before Putin

You must stay alive longer than your enemies

You should stay alive so future you thanks you.

OP, I geniunely hope you make it. Please stay strong. x

[bpdconfessions]

(sorry might've already sent an ask on accident)

i worry that my FP doesn't actually care about me at all. my entire life revolves around them, i only started taking care of myself once i fell for them. these days they barely even talk to me. we went from spending most of our time together to them barely returning my texts or dealing with me.

i literally need them in my life, it feels like im being stabbed in the chest whenever they wont talk to me or answer my texts. i want things to feel normal again, i want to feel loved instead of like something to be picked up sometimes and put back down. i NEED them, i dont want to leave them, and honestly don't think i could even if i did want to. if i made the stupid mistake of leaving then i never get to feel the warmth and safety that they used to give me but i also stop having this horrible agonizing pain in my chest.

all i want is to feel loved and like they care about me anywhere as much as i care about them

-🌱(in case i ever follow up)

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OP, this exact situation happened to me, and on reading this ask I teared up. The worst case scenario which our heads tell us is that they hate you. The best case scenario, which our heart tells us, is that they love us and are looking for a way to spend infinite time with us. But the most likely scenario is that they are not trying to leave you or hate you or whatever and- unfortunate as it is with those without BPD- need other people as much as you need them. What I mean is while we need our FPS like a lifeline, those without BPD need this lifeline from many people. I sincerely hope they talk with you and you two find middle ground on spending time so both of you are happy.

[bpdconfessions]

im worried that my fp doesnt actually care about me at all... they barely talk to me anymore and they'll show very little affection.

ive talked to them about how much i want to feel like they actually love me and they'll warm up again for a few days only to go back to ignoring me.

i love them so much

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The problem with FP confessions is it is EXTREMELY hard to gauge if FP DOES hate OP, or it's our disorder tricking us. Either way, I hope they stop ignoring you! It's not fair on you, and I am extremely proud you did talk to them. I always found that hard. Anybody else?

[bpdconfessions]

In the past ive had EDs since 2016 and then it was like on and off, relapses, like whenever i felt “fat” i would just lower my intake drastically. I had a friend on TWitter and we loved similar stuff like drawing and arts, the same character from League of Legends, then i was RTing negative stuff like 4n0r3xi4 and s3lf h4rM, i tried to hurt myself but i did not get to do it. We didnt talk for like 3 weeks and i sent him a DM asking him if everything was fine and if he was upset. He told me he wasnt but he got annoyed for me asking him if he was upset, he said he took his distance and time and that he got triggered or discomforted for the fact i was sharing bad stuff, i felt so alone and i needed to connect with ppl dealing with my same issues, but for that ive lost a friend. And now i see him arounf social media and i miss him, but im so shy to talk to him!! Should I try to engage? I mean on his side i feel hes been really cruel and had 0 empathy? Idk… I literally ruin everything !!!

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Hello, OP. I am extremely sorry to hear you have been struggling with disordered eating for almost a decade.

My personal thoughts on this, because you asked:

You did nothing wrong reposting any of those things. Twitter is a HUGE platform and it is your account. You take no fault in the fact that reposting those things triggered him because you didn't purposefully repost them to trigger him.

You didn't ruin anything! When people are triggered, irregardless of disorder, people act out due to deep emotion.

Perhaps you should reach out? I personally would: it would either leave me with a friend or closure.

[bpdconfessions]

Why are you running a confession blog if you're barely going to respond

The basic "Anon I hope you're okay now" with no other commentary on what's been said, that really ticked me off

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This will be the first and last time I respond to a hate comment for future reference.

I don't have a schedule to respond to these because of the symptoms I face, and I do not want to make one as that would build up hope / make people feel I am ignoring them if something happened to me. When I respond to anybody's confession I am doing it when I am mentally stable, and with BPD, that is extremely hard to gauge beforehand.

This is an incredibly complex disorder. We may all experience the same symptoms but in different extremities and varieties. When people send me their confessions, I take geniune time to read them and figure out how to respond.

I am not a licensed therapist. I am a person running a blog so people at last have a place to outlet their confessions. If I respond shorter to your confession than to another's it is because despite everything I don't know what to say and I still want you to be heard, so I ask if anybody has anything.

[bpdconfessions]

I feel like my fp hates me and idk why, like, they just have their own life and they're gonna be busy for the next two months but I feel like they're just using that as an excuse to get away from my obsession and clingyness

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OP, I assure you that they do not hate you. Being busy over an extended period of time leaves people super drained, and I don't think they are trying to get away from you. It's super easy to feel this way with our disorder, but I promise you that they are not trying to get away from you. x

[bpdconfessions]

i moved a state away from my fp, they are narcissistic and i felt myself withering away with them so i ran back home.

now that i don’t see/talk to them consistently, i am losing my fucking mind. i truly have no one and i’m learning that i literally can’t survive on my own anymore.

i’m almost 30 and such a useless human.

i’m over it.

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You are not a useless human. You have managed to realize your FP is bad for you. OP, you are not alone. That is corny to say but people on this planet would love to know you, help you, support you. Being almost 30 and feeling this way is not a horrible thing. We do not suddenly turn stable and "normal" at one age. Keep your head high x

[bpdconfessions]

so my fp just cut me off and its been making me dissociate like crazy like. nothing feels real. everything was fine between us, we had plans to do stuff together and everything, but then they dont talk to me for a week and all of sudden they blocked me everywhere and told me we couldnt be friends anymore and explicitly said they werent going to explain why.

its not like i dont understand their decision, we've had plenty bumps and if they couldnt put up with them anymore then thats fair. but to not explain to me what caused the sudden shift, what pushed them over the edge? is that not unfair to me? or am i just crazy? i just dont know anymore. its making me question everything

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I geniunely am speechless with this one so I'm going to leave it to the community. Any words??

[bpdconfessions]

Hi, this is the anon that confessed to being scared I was gonna kill myself on April 25th.

Still here <:) just wanted to say thank you, I guess.

I'm doing a lot better, I told my friends separately what was going on. They all understood and me and the one that ignored me for a little bit talk nonstop and we've gotten a lot... closer. I guess you could say ~///~

I still get overwhelmed and hurt myself sometimes but, it's better than it was and I don't feel so alone now <:)

Thank you.

-🌷

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It's been exactly a month! I am glad to hear you're doing better. Also, OP, do NOT leave us in the dark. I see that face. CLOSER???

[bpdconfessions]

I wrote a breaking up message to my long distance gf. this time I don't doubt it. every time I split I would think of going back to my imaginary "ex boyfriend" because he could give me everything she barely gave me: stability, safety and time. she never has time for me and today was my last straw. finally, I don't think it's normal when you technically want to cheat while splitting, even tho this person doesn't actually exist. we're in some kind of codependent relationships and she wants me around so bad that she says, she's ok with my bpd stuff and everything, even when I split badly. but I couldn't fully believe it ever. I think it's great if we stay friends and will text each other like we used to, and I'll be in perfect safe relationships with someone imaginary

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Congratulations on managing to break up with her: it can be hard to finally confront feelings like this. Any advice for OP?