bpdbaddies-blog
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iāve never shared my writing before so enjoy.
my pov:
i feel like iām buried in the depths of hell
you canāt physically see the pain thatās lurking inside
itās taken a toll on me and all i feel is numb
let me give you a glimpse of my life
i do my best hoping to be enough
longing for acceptance of all that i am
constantly told you talk too much
you feel too deeply
youāre way too much
i either talk too much or not enough
i see everything in black and white, thereās no middle path
i donāt think people love me
they love the versions of me iāve spun for them
the easy parts of me, the easy parts to love
ive spend my life trying to please others
i tried to be the person they all wanted
i gave up my spirit and begged for acceptance
my very existence depends on your acceptance
iām at war with my own body, my thoughts tell me to hate myself
i cannot look in the mirror for i fear what my brain will tell me
i donāt know who i am anymore
i stare at myself like someone iāve never met
iām trying to shrink myself
trying to become smaller, quieter, less me
i donāt want to be too much for people
i want people to like me
i want to be cared for and valued
i crave touch yet i flinch every time someone is close
i want to be wanted
i donāt want to hurt anymore
iāve sacrificed myself to make others happy
i forgive over and over again and have never learned to let go
i obsess too much and pick everything apart
āiām just a tragedy and a pity case to themā says my brain
i always feel inadequate and a burden to others
chronically unsure about life
i constantly feel so unworthy
i feel as though my life isnāt worth living
i constantly seek validation from others because i need to feel worthy
iāll hurt you before you hurt me
āburn the bridge while theyāre still on itā says my brain
iām paranoid everything is against me
i feel trapped in my own body
i feel like iām in a cage and itās so hard to grow
i hate everything i am, iām rotting inside
memories constantly flooding back
i was ruined from such a young age
they were the start of all my problems
they injected me with self doubt
i met evil when i was only a child
i was only a jester for your entertainment
i learned to be afraid as a child
harsh words stripped me of my freedom
i was just a well trained mutt
i didnāt want to be controlled
i wanted to be a child
but i never got the chance to be one
no one asked me if i was okay
why didnāt anyone help me
i mustāve deserved it all
everyone just watched me drown
i was just a child, you robbed me of my childhood
iām too young to have these scars
iām no longer a whole person and i never will be
parts of me died in the house i grew up in
please tell me when i will heal from your pain
iāll forever crave an apology
but iāll never forget the way you hurt the child i was
i was given the grab bag of mental illnesses
i wake up everyday trying to be a new person
how can someone feel so much but feel so empty
how can emptiness be so heavy
how have i survived so long when iām so violently self destructive
you have no idea of the pain that runs through my veins
i feel so unspeakably lonely
i canāt manage all these feelings
sadness feels like suicide
distance feels like abandonment
joy feels weird and unknown
iāll never feel good enough not even for myself
my mood was good, even great then it fell
up and down up and down like a constant roller coaster
thereās a constant battle of sad empty rage inside
i can constantly hear my heart breaking
my soul is broken in parts i didnāt know could break
iām lonely in places i didnāt know existed inside me
i have the constant urge to run away
but i have no where to go
iām just so tired of fighting a never ending war
i feel like i was born with tragedy in my blood
the world has drained me of everything i am
i want to dissolve into nothingness
sometimes i think i would be better off dead
but there might be another way out
but i wouldnāt know because iāve been buried alive
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Iām fucking done. I destroy myself to please them and itās never enough. Iām never enough. And I canāt do it anymore.
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Iām fucking done. I destroy myself to please them and itās never enough. Iām never enough. And I canāt do it anymore.
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Sorry for being alive it wonāt happen again
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wish i could disappear without anyone noticing
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,,You try to heal but your inner child wants love, your teenager wants revenge, and your current self just wants peace."
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8/27/19
I thought I was healing,
but really I'm just
distracting myself
in the same old
self-destructive ways,
because it's too painful
to just be still
with the chaos in my brain.
So I intoxicate myself until
thinking about my shortcomings
doesn't make me feel so small.
I allow myself to feel
only the good things again.
I let other people convince me, for a moment,
that I am enough.
Sometimes they only convince me that I exist,
but sometimes that is enough.
Sometimes they expect me
to break down the walls
I've built around myself.
But my walls are made of trauma, fear, and self doubt.
I'm afraid that if
I break them,
they won't have the strength
to bear the wreckage,
so I'll be left with another mess
I don't have the capability of fixing.
I carry around the weight
of being both unable to save others,
and being unable to be saved.
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I donāt believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.
Joseph Campbell (via quotemadness)
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ghosting everyone because i think iām annoying
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Setsuko HaraĀ inĀ Akira KurosawaāsĀ No Regrets For Our YouthĀ (Waga seishun ni kuinashi,Ā 1946)
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a lot of people describe bpd as chronic emptiness and like i get it but i swear to god the best way i can describe it is that i am absolutely starving. for everything. love, affection, knowledge, passion, creativity. nothing is ever enough, i have never been satisfied. i will spend the rest of my life always wanting more. i am insatiable. itās exhausting.
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Therapist: untreated bpd could kill you one day
Me, sipping vodka through my twisty straw: let it <3
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