blitzd-sadgirl19

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes, i see your face in mine. i can see it when i smile or when my eyes squint a certain way. i can see your face smiling back at me sometimes and i don’t know what to do about it.

i can’t look at myself without you breaking my heart still.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i’m so scared all the time. scared of letting people see me because the rejection would be crushing. i try so hard to be myself, but i see the eyes widen and the side glances shared, and i go right back into my people pleaser ways. i’m scared of rejection, tired of being told i’m too much, i just want to be myself before i forget her again. before she’s so askew that the act of bringing her back into view is fruitless. i don’t want to forget how much i love her. i’m so tired of hearing her scream, nails clawing, begging to stay this time.

i could never quite hear her over the roar of others expectations.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

please allow me to grow in your perspective. allow this new version of me to start writing the history so that we can forgive and not forget the mistakes we’ve made. i have wanted just to be seen for me, and i’m sorry i didn’t know who she was for awhile, but i crafted myself to best fit the image of anyone i loved. they expected perfection; i strived to keep their love. my heart needed love to work, it hasn’t beat on its own since birth.

but i’m different. i love who she was, please understand that. don’t think you can bad mouth her just because her trauma’s in the back of the closet now. she shaped a part of me; held my hand, told me i was strong, picked me up and dusted me off, yelling that i was strong as the tears spilt down my face; I survived because of her.

but, please, allow her to rest. she’s done enough.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes, you meet the right person in the wrong timeline.

that’s okay.

just know, in another universe where we’re still under the same moon, we still see the same stars; i love you still, with all my heart.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

the literalness that the universe hears in my words is very mislead.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

the pendulum always swings; from light to dark, dark to light. one fix to the body is a blow to the brain, the mental breaks the physical, and it feels like a vicious thing; the pendulum that always swings.

i’m stuck in bed again. I was just out, for only a small time but, i stood at the precipice of what could be. now, my bones hold the weight of the world with Atlas lazily resting at my feet.

i felt it. i felt alive, if just for four days, i felt like i was alive again. like, the world is dangling it in my face, just a taste, anything to get me to hold on, keep going.

the pendulum always swings.

i don’t understand why i keep expecting it to stay still.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

my best friend hugged me. i know that may sound like a “duh” to some of you, but my best friend is cold as ice and has skin so tough, nothing penetrates it. that’s not her, of course, that’s the personality that life laid down for her to get ready with in the morning.

when we were teenagers, we were both so affectionate that people accused us of dating all the time. we’d laugh and laugh and play into it, swinging our conjoined fingers as we skipped passed the lockers…

you go into the world and it changes you. she stopped wanting to be held when she cried. she stopped giving hugs, stopped being so affectionate. i had to watch as someone broke her of who she was and forced her into a box. she’s been letting people do that ever since.

but now, she’s smiling. she’s laughing so loud i can’t hear the discourse of the past and, for the night, we were 16 again and the world couldn’t touch us. when she left, she gave me a big squeeze and had a smile on her face.

healing is great when you do it for yourself, but there’s something so beautiful about watching someone heal from things only you know about.

I’m so proud of you Hailz

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I can never seem to say the right words when I do these, but I'll try.

No, those initials mean nothing. No, I won't elaborate on anything. Yes, I promise I'm okay, I just need to get stuff out of my head. Someone told me once that every experience you have can either be a life raft or an anchor; it'll help you or hurt you depending on what you do with it. Do you feel everything and let it get lighter? Or, do you burry it so far that even you forget it's what's weighing you down? I spent a lot of my life thinking that you need an anchor, something to keep you where you are; something to keep you grounded. What they failed to say was that stagnation is a greater tragedy than most people let you believe. You need to float, move, drift up-stream and down, leave no stone unturned, no lily-pad left upright, because that's how you grow.

For awhile, I believed change was bad. That anything but the routine I'd followed was wrong and that i was doing the wrong thing. Crazy part is, in order to do something the wrong way, their has to be a right way. Last I checked, there is no right way to live. Ultimately, it's your choice.

Stagnation or growth?

I choose growth this time. Whatever that means for me.

(also this is hooked to my account from when i was younger - I have tried to figure out how to do this but anytime i follow someone, it's from my other account. i'm trying dude, i'm not good with tech)

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

there is a sadness that aches in me, it echo's in the hollowness of my bones, rattles my nerves. a sadness that reminds me I'm alive.

Sadness isn't always a bad thing. To know such happiness that, in its absence, leaves so much sorrow.

I am alive. Every day, I live to feel another emotion. I breathe the same air in my lungs, but I fill my head with different thoughts; see the world with different eyes.

I don't want this anymore; I don't want to fear these, I just want to feel them. I want to drink deep from this ocean I have made inside of my heart and I will not listen when people tell me I can't swim in these uncharted waters because they. are. mine.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i became my mom.

a sentence i never even thought I'd think but, here we are. when i really sit and think about it, i can see it. my anxiety was planted by her, my depression watered, she crafted my home from chaos and good intentions. I followed blindly, chasing love. I can see the cycle now. an event that all four of us lived. she stayed, she was never faithful, and i was holding someone responsible for actions they're clean of.

self-sabotage; the doormat, the unhappy, and a ticking time bomb. god, what a fucking mess we are. I used to get so mad, call my mom, demand an apology. i think, now, all i want is for her to see what her projected fears made us into; shells of who we should've been.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i feel like my brain is being split in half. i know what needs to be done; they have to be exiled in order to, finally, protect myself and my future family. but i can't. i can't, i can't, i fucking can't. how do you just let people you love go? how do you purposefully pull the strings from your still beating heart, it fucking hurts and i can't disconnect them fast enough. it feels like a slow, painful death down to the souls of my feet.

this has to get easier.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I lost my phone three days ago and was so wrapped in what ifs; what if people can't get ahold of me, what if I miss something, what if something important happens, what if, what if, what if. I got so worried, in fact, that when he answered my call, my panic came out in word vomit and tears and, looking back, I don't think it was audible. even though he was busy, he took the time to calm me down. he got the panic to subside and that let the logic sink back in. I remember how i used to sneak around it as a troublesome teen, grabbed my laptop, and got to work.

Silence.

I was right. I could disappear and no one would even think to care.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i'm jealous of the girls with big sisters. i'm not the oldest or anything, i actually have three older sisters. i say older because they were never "big sisters" to me. my family was not made for people who crave individuality; you either fell out or fell in line and i was never quite good at keeping the colors in the lines. i see all these people posting about what a big sister is like, how they save you from your shared house of horrors, how you're just like the best version of them and they love you for it.

Mine?

they resent me for shaping out to be just like them but what the fuck was i supposed to do? i looked up to them, at least two of them, and i just wanted them to love me.

I always said i felt like the older sister. whether it's because i'm sending money, holding them while they cry, or cleaning them up from a fucking breakdown; it was me. it was me holding their hands, it was me telling them that everything will be okay while i, a petrified child, trembled in fear and prayed my mantra into existence.

they all left me. first the house, then the state, and then just my life in general. turns out, when you show traits of who they used to be (who they want to be), they can't stand to look at you anymore.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— Nikita Gill

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes when i close my eyes, if i believe hard enough, i pretend to live in a world where they cared. a world where my tears were not an inconvenience, but something to talk about. where voices stayed hush when emotions ran high, where my brain wasn't so fucked that i could finally believe love was gentle and gracious and not dripping with hatred and my blood. sometimes i can almost feel what it would be like to have had a mother you could describe as home and a father who I could be proud of, one who showed me how real men act. sometimes i can make my brain turn the venom we spat at one another and replace it with bells of laughter and if i squeeze my eyes hard enough, i can see my sisters at my side on my wedding day; all three of them.

but my eyes always have to open again. I have to see life for what it really is. I see why so many people play pretend. my life is so much easier with my eyes closed.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

at some point, i got cold. i wanted to stay safe soft and warm but i was battered into being cold hearted. god i tried to hold onto it, tried to embody it but my body was torn apart by venomous fingers

there is nothing left of who i used to be.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— Nipuna Mehta (via @nipsyyy)