blitzd-sadgirl19

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— Nikita Gill

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes when i close my eyes, if i believe hard enough, i pretend to live in a world where they cared. a world where my tears were not an inconvenience, but something to talk about. where voices stayed hush when emotions ran high, where my brain wasn't so fucked that i could finally believe love was gentle and gracious and not dripping with hatred and my blood. sometimes i can almost feel what it would be like to have had a mother you could describe as home and a father who I could be proud of, one who showed me how real men act. sometimes i can make my brain turn the venom we spat at one another and replace it with bells of laughter and if i squeeze my eyes hard enough, i can see my sisters at my side on my wedding day; all three of them.

but my eyes always have to open again. I have to see life for what it really is. I see why so many people play pretend. my life is so much easier with my eyes closed.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

at some point, i got cold. i wanted to stay safe soft and warm but i was battered into being cold hearted. god i tried to hold onto it, tried to embody it but my body was torn apart by venomous fingers

there is nothing left of who i used to be.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— Nipuna Mehta (via @nipsyyy)

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— fatima aamer bilal, from being unwanted is a language

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i don't know when i stopped being able to blindly accept love but i also don't remember a time when it didn't hurt, i just remember that the first time i actually ever experienced it i had a panic attack on my friends bathroom floor. i just remember it feeling like a trap and it hasn't stopped feeling like one since. i am predisposed to accept the pain, whether physical or emotional, like it's sewn into my genetic lining.

the love that hurts i can accept it's my drug of choice, i know my place is to be hurt and for some reason that is so much easier to swallow than the idea that someone could really love me for me. as if someone could wake up every morning and continue to look at me and not grow tired or bored or annoyed.

love is so stupid. it makes you think stupid shit, say stupid shit, believe stupid shit.

i never thought i'd be so stupid as to fall in love.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I am not dramatic

I am not hard to love

I am not too hard to be with

I am not too ugly to touch

I am not a freak

just because I am not like you.

I am worthy of love

I am worth getting to know

I am tired of having someone else's words determine how i feel about my own existence so no,

I am not unlovable

I am not a mess

I am not a monster

I am not a problem

I am someone's wife

I am someone's best friend

I am someone my sister looks up to

and they're so fucking beautiful.

you attract the energy you give

and while you skulk in shadows, i am warm in the light.

I forgive you

because I can't carry that weight on my soul anymore.

because I don't wanna be upset over your choice of ignorance over growth.

because I want control of my life back.

for myself.

I forgive myself.

because if you stop making mistakes, you stop learning and if you stop learning you stop living.

for being a child and not having the knowledge you as adults had.

for not seeing that your mistakes were not my fault

but it IS my job to fix myself.

because my children will have better.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i never wanted to believe in forgiveness, you can't take back what you've said or done. i hold grudges, i am unforgiving and it's not because of anything other than i hear it once and it gets its own scratched CD, skipping back to the beginning of the sentence over and over

you're nothing

you're nobody

you're trash

you're worthless

and the farther away the other voice of it starts to fade, a familiar voice grows louder and louder and i hadn't realized, until today, it's been my voice this whole time. see, i'm great at holding grudges, one slip up and you're done. I'll hate every fucking nerve in your body so much your skin will burn under my gaze and it just hit me with the weight of the world how heavy the grudge on myself is. i bitch and i moan that i was never given the benefit of the doubt because i didn't, that no one understands, that i'm alone but i'm Catastrophic on a whole new level because this whole time I've been in my own way. years of the good bad and worst and all i chose was worst after the first time the world showed me it was an option. that's what i thought i deserved.

I have been in my own way this whole time.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

"yeah but are you having suicidal thoughts?"

hey man, careful where you point that loaded question. i've been tricked into thinking they were firing blanks and i ended up in the hospital, not for literal bullet wounds but i was bleeding and i don't remember when that happened i just know that they wrapped me up and i was hugging myself. i didn't like it, i couldn't move, because the question you wanna know is just so you can play a part. don't act like you sit at my table when you spit on my name when my back is turned. I stopped telling the truth on that question, hands held high in defeat

i'm fine

i'll be okay

i'll swallow down the pain, surrender peacefully so your mind can stay at ease, hands up, walking slowly around your fragile fucking sense of reality because the reality is the answer is yes. the answer will never stop being yes to that stupid fucking question. i could be having the greatest day of my life and the answer is still fucking yes.

Don't worry though. I'm fine. I'll be okay.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i don't know how to get through this. i've felt depression my whole life, it has made its home in my fucking bones, but this? my heart is so heavy that i'm weighted to my bed, legs shackled, with no fight left... no fight left.

I've fought every day, tooth and nail, for as long as i can fucking remember and i don't remember how to do it anymore. i don't remember how to fight it or i just don't have the fight in me anymore. i have no more blood, no more sweat, but the tears won't fucking stop and i don't know how to stop it, how do i make it stop?

Please.

I feel like baggage on his back and please God, Zeus, Buddha, Mother Goddess, Universe, whoever, don't let me pull him down with me, he deserves the world and i will not have him play Atlas for me just because i can't remember who i am. I pray it crushes me before he tries to be my Hero; he always does try to play the knight.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

you were never supposed to be a topic for these. i've been writing little blips to straighten my thoughts for years. i've read them to you; showed you my literal bleeding heart on paper and cried into your arms. i loved reading them to you, it was like a weight off my chest just to get the words out of it.

your name was never meant to be in these. it was never supposed to be like this. our kids were supposed to be best friends, just like us. they'd be attached at the hip, just like us. we'd sit looking at them with nostalgia glazing our eyes, seeing us when we were younger and we'd smile so big.

now all you'll be is a fucking story to them.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I worry about my best friend. I worry that my ignorance induced anxiety is right and that she's not being treated how she deserves. I worry that I tried too hard to be her friend and, in turn, pushed her away. I worry and I feel like that's all I do when I think about her is worry. Worry if she's okay, worry that she hates me because I can't tell anymore; you should've seen how much I glowed calling you my best friend. I had this light in my eyes because you were the family that I chose that chose me back.

I miss you so much my heart strings snap when a memory of you plays with them. I love you so much it hurts.

That's the fucking problem. I love you so much that it fucking HURTS. You keep hurting me and I make excuses and i keep putting you before me saying that you need it more you need it more and why the fuck was it so hard to just love me plainly like i did you?

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

a shot, just one, for the rest of your life. i have a fear of needles; something feels so wrong about shoving a small, metal cylindrical stick through my squishy flesh. so now we're at twelve medications and a shot.

you know what i took before? three. three was my max, concern for my body, my being. now, i can't live without half and the other i swear are just for decoration. i joke sometimes, when i take them all at once, that i'm just training for my suicide. my friends laugh and i don't know how much of a joke that is anymore.

i don't think i'm myself.

i don't think i know who that is anymore.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

please, don't give up on me, just say it a little louder. I can almost hear it through all their noise please just stay a little longer, say it a little bit louder, i swear you're almost there. I know seven years is a long time to shout but there was so much noise before, i promise it's getting quieter just please please say it a little louder. please don't give up on me, i couldn't handle it if you did, you're all i have left. when you say it, i feel the tips of my fingers electrify and every worry begin to rush away but they're still just too loud. you've almost broken my sound barrier, the line almost crossed, the trophy given, just go a little bit farther with me.

please.

don't give up yet.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

how do you know who the monster is when they all share friendly faces? how can you really see a person when their actions never reflect their words, when their smile drips of a manipulative tongue; how can you see when you're in it? how can you even tell when you can't see it? i thought i was quick, always one step ahead; you can't watch a mystery around me, i know who the killer is, i always know who the killer is, i never miss a beat how did i miss this one? how did i not see the strings still attached to my limbs, how could i not feel the pull that was not of my own hands?

how could i have not seen that it was always you?