blitzd-sadgirl19

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i found out i’m pregnant and i can’t tell my best friend. not because it’ll upset her, she just doesn’t exist in this lifetime for me anymore. we parted ways after years of swearing our kids would grow up together. it hurt, in theory, when i first thought of it.

now it’s happening.

i cried to the cluster nestled in my stomach, sharing my memories of her, telling it all about the girl who kept me alive to be its mother.

so here i am, screaming it out here, hoping you can hear me.

i did it. i’m gonna be a mom…

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

my therapist told me that what i experienced was a psychotic break… all i could think to do was laugh.

i had built a version of me who turned everything into a joke, she buried herself in jobs, friends, family… but she buried it really fucking well. except for two hours in the car after work where she just drove around, found a quiet space, and sobbed to the stars.

i haven’t seen her since i woke up, hearing the hiss of the car behind me in my back seat, bleeding, panicked. i keep trying to tell these doctors, these people of science, that who i was no long exists and i don’t know who to be without her.

in a way, i died and started from scratch. maybe I’ll grant myself grace on that fact alone, but they don’t talk about what happens when your life turns into something you no longer connect with anymore.

they don’t teach you how to grieve yourself.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i feel like i’ve dug my nails so deeply in the mud, trying to hold my sanity together. i told myself i’d find my way back to who i was before my reality shifted. now i’m scared the black out i had that day was her dying in my arms, as i wailed in pain from the crash of the car and the crash of my world around me.

i��m still clawing, gripping down to the root of the problem, swearing not to fall further down the rabbit hole as my grip keeps slipping.

i am afraid to follow the white rabbit, scared to see what wonderland would hold for me.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i feel like i’ve been craving being seen for too long. for some reason i though if i wasn’t acknowledged, then i didn’t take up space.

i felt a foot tall in a twelve foot tall person world, beating on their leggings. i see them looking at me. they always look, but they never really see me.

i craved that for long it carved out a part of my heart and sought refuge there while we waited out the sadness. it took a long time.

it took a lot of hurt. but i realized that i get to say how much space i wanna take up that day and no one can tell me no. now i take up space confidently, knowing i am worth something even if no one sees it.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i never wanna tell him what he can and can’t handle. i never wanna make him feel weak or incapable. but how the hell could i ever explain to him that he is too good for me? how do i get through to him that he deserves to be with someone who brings as much light into the world as he does. how do you love someone you’re not good enough for? how does it ever feel like enough?

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes, i see your face in mine. i can see it when i smile or when my eyes squint a certain way. i can see your face smiling back at me sometimes and i don’t know what to do about it.

i can’t look at myself without you breaking my heart still.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i’m so scared all the time. scared of letting people see me because the rejection would be crushing. i try so hard to be myself, but i see the eyes widen and the side glances shared, and i go right back into my people pleaser ways. i’m scared of rejection, tired of being told i’m too much, i just want to be myself before i forget her again. before she’s so askew that the act of bringing her back into view is fruitless. i don’t want to forget how much i love her. i’m so tired of hearing her scream, nails clawing, begging to stay this time.

i could never quite hear her over the roar of others expectations.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

please allow me to grow in your perspective. allow this new version of me to start writing the history so that we can forgive and not forget the mistakes we’ve made. i have wanted just to be seen for me, and i’m sorry i didn’t know who she was for awhile, but i crafted myself to best fit the image of anyone i loved. they expected perfection; i strived to keep their love. my heart needed love to work, it hasn’t beat on its own since birth.

but i’m different. i love who she was, please understand that. don’t think you can bad mouth her just because her trauma’s in the back of the closet now. she shaped a part of me; held my hand, told me i was strong, picked me up and dusted me off, yelling that i was strong as the tears spilt down my face; I survived because of her.

but, please, allow her to rest. she’s done enough.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes, you meet the right person in the wrong timeline.

that’s okay.

just know, in another universe where we’re still under the same moon, we still see the same stars; i love you still, with all my heart.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

the literalness that the universe hears in my words is very mislead.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

the pendulum always swings; from light to dark, dark to light. one fix to the body is a blow to the brain, the mental breaks the physical, and it feels like a vicious thing; the pendulum that always swings.

i’m stuck in bed again. I was just out, for only a small time but, i stood at the precipice of what could be. now, my bones hold the weight of the world with Atlas lazily resting at my feet.

i felt it. i felt alive, if just for four days, i felt like i was alive again. like, the world is dangling it in my face, just a taste, anything to get me to hold on, keep going.

the pendulum always swings.

i don’t understand why i keep expecting it to stay still.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

my best friend hugged me. i know that may sound like a “duh” to some of you, but my best friend is cold as ice and has skin so tough, nothing penetrates it. that’s not her, of course, that’s the personality that life laid down for her to get ready with in the morning.

when we were teenagers, we were both so affectionate that people accused us of dating all the time. we’d laugh and laugh and play into it, swinging our conjoined fingers as we skipped passed the lockers…

you go into the world and it changes you. she stopped wanting to be held when she cried. she stopped giving hugs, stopped being so affectionate. i had to watch as someone broke her of who she was and forced her into a box. she’s been letting people do that ever since.

but now, she’s smiling. she’s laughing so loud i can’t hear the discourse of the past and, for the night, we were 16 again and the world couldn’t touch us. when she left, she gave me a big squeeze and had a smile on her face.

healing is great when you do it for yourself, but there’s something so beautiful about watching someone heal from things only you know about.

I’m so proud of you Hailz

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I can never seem to say the right words when I do these, but I'll try.

No, those initials mean nothing. No, I won't elaborate on anything. Yes, I promise I'm okay, I just need to get stuff out of my head. Someone told me once that every experience you have can either be a life raft or an anchor; it'll help you or hurt you depending on what you do with it. Do you feel everything and let it get lighter? Or, do you burry it so far that even you forget it's what's weighing you down? I spent a lot of my life thinking that you need an anchor, something to keep you where you are; something to keep you grounded. What they failed to say was that stagnation is a greater tragedy than most people let you believe. You need to float, move, drift up-stream and down, leave no stone unturned, no lily-pad left upright, because that's how you grow.

For awhile, I believed change was bad. That anything but the routine I'd followed was wrong and that i was doing the wrong thing. Crazy part is, in order to do something the wrong way, their has to be a right way. Last I checked, there is no right way to live. Ultimately, it's your choice.

Stagnation or growth?

I choose growth this time. Whatever that means for me.

(also this is hooked to my account from when i was younger - I have tried to figure out how to do this but anytime i follow someone, it's from my other account. i'm trying dude, i'm not good with tech)

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

there is a sadness that aches in me, it echo's in the hollowness of my bones, rattles my nerves. a sadness that reminds me I'm alive.

Sadness isn't always a bad thing. To know such happiness that, in its absence, leaves so much sorrow.

I am alive. Every day, I live to feel another emotion. I breathe the same air in my lungs, but I fill my head with different thoughts; see the world with different eyes.

I don't want this anymore; I don't want to fear these, I just want to feel them. I want to drink deep from this ocean I have made inside of my heart and I will not listen when people tell me I can't swim in these uncharted waters because they. are. mine.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i became my mom.

a sentence i never even thought I'd think but, here we are. when i really sit and think about it, i can see it. my anxiety was planted by her, my depression watered, she crafted my home from chaos and good intentions. I followed blindly, chasing love. I can see the cycle now. an event that all four of us lived. she stayed, she was never faithful, and i was holding someone responsible for actions they're clean of.

self-sabotage; the doormat, the unhappy, and a ticking time bomb. god, what a fucking mess we are. I used to get so mad, call my mom, demand an apology. i think, now, all i want is for her to see what her projected fears made us into; shells of who we should've been.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i feel like my brain is being split in half. i know what needs to be done; they have to be exiled in order to, finally, protect myself and my future family. but i can't. i can't, i can't, i fucking can't. how do you just let people you love go? how do you purposefully pull the strings from your still beating heart, it fucking hurts and i can't disconnect them fast enough. it feels like a slow, painful death down to the souls of my feet.

this has to get easier.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I lost my phone three days ago and was so wrapped in what ifs; what if people can't get ahold of me, what if I miss something, what if something important happens, what if, what if, what if. I got so worried, in fact, that when he answered my call, my panic came out in word vomit and tears and, looking back, I don't think it was audible. even though he was busy, he took the time to calm me down. he got the panic to subside and that let the logic sink back in. I remember how i used to sneak around it as a troublesome teen, grabbed my laptop, and got to work.

Silence.

I was right. I could disappear and no one would even think to care.