blitzd-sadgirl19

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i feel like my brain is being split in half. i know what needs to be done; they have to be exiled in order to, finally, protect myself and my future family. but i can't. i can't, i can't, i fucking can't. how do you just let people you love go? how do you purposefully pull the strings from your still beating heart, it fucking hurts and i can't disconnect them fast enough. it feels like a slow, painful death down to the souls of my feet.

this has to get easier.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I lost my phone three days ago and was so wrapped in what ifs; what if people can't get ahold of me, what if I miss something, what if something important happens, what if, what if, what if. I got so worried, in fact, that when he answered my call, my panic came out in word vomit and tears and, looking back, I don't think it was audible. even though he was busy, he took the time to calm me down. he got the panic to subside and that let the logic sink back in. I remember how i used to sneak around it as a troublesome teen, grabbed my laptop, and got to work.

Silence.

I was right. I could disappear and no one would even think to care.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i'm jealous of the girls with big sisters. i'm not the oldest or anything, i actually have three older sisters. i say older because they were never "big sisters" to me. my family was not made for people who crave individuality; you either fell out or fell in line and i was never quite good at keeping the colors in the lines. i see all these people posting about what a big sister is like, how they save you from your shared house of horrors, how you're just like the best version of them and they love you for it.

Mine?

they resent me for shaping out to be just like them but what the fuck was i supposed to do? i looked up to them, at least two of them, and i just wanted them to love me.

I always said i felt like the older sister. whether it's because i'm sending money, holding them while they cry, or cleaning them up from a fucking breakdown; it was me. it was me holding their hands, it was me telling them that everything will be okay while i, a petrified child, trembled in fear and prayed my mantra into existence.

they all left me. first the house, then the state, and then just my life in general. turns out, when you show traits of who they used to be (who they want to be), they can't stand to look at you anymore.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— Nikita Gill

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

sometimes when i close my eyes, if i believe hard enough, i pretend to live in a world where they cared. a world where my tears were not an inconvenience, but something to talk about. where voices stayed hush when emotions ran high, where my brain wasn't so fucked that i could finally believe love was gentle and gracious and not dripping with hatred and my blood. sometimes i can almost feel what it would be like to have had a mother you could describe as home and a father who I could be proud of, one who showed me how real men act. sometimes i can make my brain turn the venom we spat at one another and replace it with bells of laughter and if i squeeze my eyes hard enough, i can see my sisters at my side on my wedding day; all three of them.

but my eyes always have to open again. I have to see life for what it really is. I see why so many people play pretend. my life is so much easier with my eyes closed.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

at some point, i got cold. i wanted to stay safe soft and warm but i was battered into being cold hearted. god i tried to hold onto it, tried to embody it but my body was torn apart by venomous fingers

there is nothing left of who i used to be.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— Nipuna Mehta (via @nipsyyy)

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

— fatima aamer bilal, from being unwanted is a language

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i don't know when i stopped being able to blindly accept love but i also don't remember a time when it didn't hurt, i just remember that the first time i actually ever experienced it i had a panic attack on my friends bathroom floor. i just remember it feeling like a trap and it hasn't stopped feeling like one since. i am predisposed to accept the pain, whether physical or emotional, like it's sewn into my genetic lining.

the love that hurts i can accept it's my drug of choice, i know my place is to be hurt and for some reason that is so much easier to swallow than the idea that someone could really love me for me. as if someone could wake up every morning and continue to look at me and not grow tired or bored or annoyed.

love is so stupid. it makes you think stupid shit, say stupid shit, believe stupid shit.

i never thought i'd be so stupid as to fall in love.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I am not dramatic

I am not hard to love

I am not too hard to be with

I am not too ugly to touch

I am not a freak

just because I am not like you.

I am worthy of love

I am worth getting to know

I am tired of having someone else's words determine how i feel about my own existence so no,

I am not unlovable

I am not a mess

I am not a monster

I am not a problem

I am someone's wife

I am someone's best friend

I am someone my sister looks up to

and they're so fucking beautiful.

you attract the energy you give

and while you skulk in shadows, i am warm in the light.

I forgive you

because I can't carry that weight on my soul anymore.

because I don't wanna be upset over your choice of ignorance over growth.

because I want control of my life back.

for myself.

I forgive myself.

because if you stop making mistakes, you stop learning and if you stop learning you stop living.

for being a child and not having the knowledge you as adults had.

for not seeing that your mistakes were not my fault

but it IS my job to fix myself.

because my children will have better.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i never wanted to believe in forgiveness, you can't take back what you've said or done. i hold grudges, i am unforgiving and it's not because of anything other than i hear it once and it gets its own scratched CD, skipping back to the beginning of the sentence over and over

you're nothing

you're nobody

you're trash

you're worthless

and the farther away the other voice of it starts to fade, a familiar voice grows louder and louder and i hadn't realized, until today, it's been my voice this whole time. see, i'm great at holding grudges, one slip up and you're done. I'll hate every fucking nerve in your body so much your skin will burn under my gaze and it just hit me with the weight of the world how heavy the grudge on myself is. i bitch and i moan that i was never given the benefit of the doubt because i didn't, that no one understands, that i'm alone but i'm Catastrophic on a whole new level because this whole time I've been in my own way. years of the good bad and worst and all i chose was worst after the first time the world showed me it was an option. that's what i thought i deserved.

I have been in my own way this whole time.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

"yeah but are you having suicidal thoughts?"

hey man, careful where you point that loaded question. i've been tricked into thinking they were firing blanks and i ended up in the hospital, not for literal bullet wounds but i was bleeding and i don't remember when that happened i just know that they wrapped me up and i was hugging myself. i didn't like it, i couldn't move, because the question you wanna know is just so you can play a part. don't act like you sit at my table when you spit on my name when my back is turned. I stopped telling the truth on that question, hands held high in defeat

i'm fine

i'll be okay

i'll swallow down the pain, surrender peacefully so your mind can stay at ease, hands up, walking slowly around your fragile fucking sense of reality because the reality is the answer is yes. the answer will never stop being yes to that stupid fucking question. i could be having the greatest day of my life and the answer is still fucking yes.

Don't worry though. I'm fine. I'll be okay.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

i don't know how to get through this. i've felt depression my whole life, it has made its home in my fucking bones, but this? my heart is so heavy that i'm weighted to my bed, legs shackled, with no fight left... no fight left.

I've fought every day, tooth and nail, for as long as i can fucking remember and i don't remember how to do it anymore. i don't remember how to fight it or i just don't have the fight in me anymore. i have no more blood, no more sweat, but the tears won't fucking stop and i don't know how to stop it, how do i make it stop?

Please.

I feel like baggage on his back and please God, Zeus, Buddha, Mother Goddess, Universe, whoever, don't let me pull him down with me, he deserves the world and i will not have him play Atlas for me just because i can't remember who i am. I pray it crushes me before he tries to be my Hero; he always does try to play the knight.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

you were never supposed to be a topic for these. i've been writing little blips to straighten my thoughts for years. i've read them to you; showed you my literal bleeding heart on paper and cried into your arms. i loved reading them to you, it was like a weight off my chest just to get the words out of it.

your name was never meant to be in these. it was never supposed to be like this. our kids were supposed to be best friends, just like us. they'd be attached at the hip, just like us. we'd sit looking at them with nostalgia glazing our eyes, seeing us when we were younger and we'd smile so big.

now all you'll be is a fucking story to them.

[blitzd-sadgirl19]

I worry about my best friend. I worry that my ignorance induced anxiety is right and that she's not being treated how she deserves. I worry that I tried too hard to be her friend and, in turn, pushed her away. I worry and I feel like that's all I do when I think about her is worry. Worry if she's okay, worry that she hates me because I can't tell anymore; you should've seen how much I glowed calling you my best friend. I had this light in my eyes because you were the family that I chose that chose me back.

I miss you so much my heart strings snap when a memory of you plays with them. I love you so much it hurts.

That's the fucking problem. I love you so much that it fucking HURTS. You keep hurting me and I make excuses and i keep putting you before me saying that you need it more you need it more and why the fuck was it so hard to just love me plainly like i did you?