bipedal-vertebrate - Tumblr blog

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Please allow me to tell you about my Best Friend.

Let me start by saying that I’d known her for some time before we really started hanging out and she seemed like a good person, the kind of person you’d want in your life. She was also going through quite a bit and didn’t have good people in her life. She had lots of people that tried to use her, to take advantage of her, who would stab her in the back in a heartbeat, and who treated her like shit. She needed good people and real friends. She needed the kind of person and friend that I am. I made the decision to let down a few of my walls so that if she wanted, she could get closer to me and I could be the friend she needed.

She’s Beautiful. Not beautiful, that is just a meaningless description of someones appearance based on the individuals idea of what makes someone attractive. My Best Friend is Beautiful with a capital B. Her Beauty is the kind the eyes will never see.

What is it that makes her Beautiful?  I’ll tell you, but I have to tell you about myself first.  I’ve done this before, but for anyone that doesn’t wish to read that first I’ll give enough of a run down to understand how Beautiful She is.

I have Asperger’s Syndrome. For those not familiar with it, it is a high functioning form of autism. It means I am autistic but unless you are familiar with the symptoms and spend a significant amount of time around me you will never notice it. Instead you will describe me as “weird,” “odd,” “excentric,” etc.

How does that make her beautiful?

Because of the assortment of developmental disabilities stacked on top of and intertwined with each other my brain doesn’t process information the same as a neurotypical persons does. Simply put, several areas of my brain are miswired, both internally and in their connections to other areas of my brain.

The social and communication centers of my brain are unable to process what is considered “normal” conversation, aka small talk, idle chat, etc. Such conversations have no particular topic, they move around, they change direction, and because of the miswiring in my brain I can’t follow them. To me, “normal” conversation sounds like people just saying whatever random thing pops into their head from one second to the next. For me to talk to people the conversation has to stay on topic or change topic slowly rather than suddenly.

My brain also processes language literally. Words have meanings and those meanings are in the dictionary. When someone uses a word I a way other than what it’s definition is I am lost because the statement they just made makes no sense until I have had time to analyze it in reference to the rest of what was being said, and even then I normally can’t figure out what they actually meant leaving me with no clue what they said.

Facial expression, vocal inflection, body language, unusual phrasings, and other such social/conversational cues that add context beyond the actual words spoken don’t exist for me. The part of my brain that is supposed to see and understand them doesnt.

While normal people instinctively know how to respond to “polite questions” such as “how are you,” “what are you doing these days,” “how are you feeling, etc I am forced to rely on preplanned responses that sound “fake” to everyone because such questions are not only subjective rather than objective, they are rhetorical rather than literal and the person doesn’t want an actual response.

The parts of the social, language, and communication centers of my brain that are supposed to deal with these things either developed incorrectly or not at all. All this leaves me with only the exact words a person says and nothing more.

I explained this to Her shortly after we started spending a significant amount of time together. It wasn’t long after that that when we were speaking I spent less and less time saying “OK,” “Uh huh,” “Yeah,” etc and was actually able to have a conversation with her. She changed the way she talked when we were speaking and instead of being drug along behind her I was able to be a part of the conversation. Even when there were others involved in the conversation, she kept the conversation “on topic” longer than the others would have and made sure that subject changes were gradual rather than sudden. When she was involved in the conversation she made sure I could be an active participant.  With her help I wasn’t broken.

The miswiring in the social center of my brain also results in problems when socializing. While everyone else can go to a party, a bar, a family picnic and it’s no big deal, interacting with more than one or two people at a time is overwhelming. Anything more than that and I can’t think clearly enough to even give preplanned responses because my brain is starting to misfire and push towards a meltdown.

She never puts me in a situation where that is issue. Whenever she says we should do something it is always walks, bike rides, hiking, watching a movie, or some other thing where it will be just us. Even when she suggests something that would mean being around other people she isn’t pushy about it and as soon as I start to show signs of shutting down she calmly and easily dismisses that because “I’m not really dressed for that and don’t feel like changing,” “it’s too nice a day to be inside like that,” or some other similar reason that eliminates any pressure on me.

She always goes out of her way to make sure I didn’t feel broken. She even manages to do that without trying. It’s no wonder she became my best friend.

There was a day where she asked me to take her out so she could do some shopping. After getting to enjoy seeing her enjoy herself as she flitted from rack to rack going through clothing, aisle to aisle looking at candles, and fountains, and household stuff, I took her home and helped her take her bags in to the elevator. She said goodnight, gave me a hug and then we talked for a while because the first hug was never the real goodbye hug. That hug felt “wrong.” This is where it gets interesting. Thanks to the wonders of the miswired sensory and social centers of my brain physical contact is not pleasant. Imagine if your skin was replaced by a few hundred million ants crawling on the raw, exposed nerves, muscles, tendons, etc. That description doesn’t come close to the way physical contact feels for me, but that sensation is “normal” for me.

That night it felt different, but the hug was over too quick for me to tell how. When we finished talking she gave me the real goodnight hug. The second hug was always longer. That Hug was magical. My skin didn’t crawl. It was like electric fairies dancing lightly on my skin and hundreds of millions of stars exploding all at once. It was the most amazing sensation I’ve ever experienced. I held on tight, took a deep breath to fill my nose with the scent of her hair, listened to her breathing and then her voice as she asked if I was smelling her hair and laughed when I said yes. I was grabbing hold of every sensation in that moment so that the memory of them would be as real as they were in that moment.  I didn’t know why it felt like it did, but I wanted to be able to go back to that hug when I needed somewhere safe to escape to.

Over the next few days I tried to figure out why it was different. I looked inside, dug around, and discovered something. Where I had only taken down a few walls, leaving the others in place, those walls were still there but no longer completely solid. For everyone else they were impenetrable, but for her they didn’t even exist. Somewhere along the way my heart had decided it belonged to Her and hadn’t bothered to let me in on it. I’d fallen in love with my best friend and hadn’t even known.

I kept that from her for some time, only telling her when she asked me to write something inspirational and uplifting in a notebook she had at a time when things were really rough for her. What started out as a single paragraph turned into a full blown letter laying out how I felt, that I was happy having her as my best friend and being hers, that I’d never ask for, expect, or look for more than that, and that it was entirely up to her if she wanted more than just mine.

Over the last year shes proved herself to be more and more of a friend than I ever thought anyone could be.  Yes there have been some problems along the way, what relationship doesn’t have them, but for the most part they’ve were worked through and those that haven’t been will be.

She makes my world brighter and make me better by being a part of my life.  Without trying, she does so much for me.  From little things like giving me an angel pin included a note that read:

pg1

Marsh!

I Love You!

I appreciate your true friendship to me more than you will ever know.

No matter what I will forever be here whenever you need me.

I love you so much!

Don’t ever change!

Emmie

pg2

Here’s an Angel for you to keep on you to help you from having those meltdowns.

Love You!

Keep her on you always

Your Friend Forever

Emmie

  to big things like holding me as I cried when I was finally able to begin grieving for the loss of my Grandmother and promising to go with and be there when I make the drive to Texas to visit her grave.

The wind chime she gave me, which had been damaged and repaired by her before giving it to me, hangs over the couch I sleep on with a fan always blowing on it so it chimed softly at all times.

The wooden wall hanging that reads “Never lose your sense of wonder” is on the wall at the foot of the couch where I only have to open my eyes to read it.

A note she left me when she came down to my room one day while I wasn’t here hangs on the wall as well.

The birthday card she made me, which in part read:

Thank you for being in my life. FIghting or not, you will always be one of my very best friends.

-Emmie

sits on a shelf by the foot of the couch so that I could always see it.

  Each of the small things shes given me, no matter how insignificant it may have seemed to her, was given it’s own special place because those small trinkets mean the world to me.

She means the world to me, which is why I made the decision to include her in the plan I have for my life.  That plan will fix my life, and is the only chance I have at honestly being happy with my life as a whole.  I’m including her in it because it will help her to fix her life and given her a steady income stream that will let her get away from her roommate and others like him permanently.  When I told her this, her smile lit up the world like the sun never has and the hug she gave me as she thanked me crushed the breath out of my lungs.  I’d made her world brighter and better, just like she does for me.

She is my Best Friend and I love her more than she will ever know.

A Georgia Peach with a Diamond in the Center #Friendship #BestFriend #RealFriend #Aspergers @Autism Please allow me to tell you about my Best Friend. Let me start by saying that I’d known her for some time before we really started hanging out and she seemed like a good person, the kind of person you’d want in your life.

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Once more into the fog

Once more into the fog http://wp.me/p2HnDV-lH #pain #loss #loneliness #mentalhealth #fear #aspergers

Im feeling lost again. My life was on track, I was on the road to standing on my own feet again, I had a solid daily routine and someone I could talk to when I needed, everything was as it needed to be. Then everyhing changed. Instead of getting closer to being self sufficient I started getting further from it because I lost my job and had to use what I had in the bank to live, now it’s gone and…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Broken and Stupid

I’ve known her almost two years, one year of really talking to her and hanging out. I’ve gotten to know her. Hearing about her childhood, having her share her hopes and dreams with me, hearing about the pains she’d suffered, getting to know who she is I’ve grown close to her. I’ve come to trust her, to love her as a friend, she’s become my best friend. One day after driving her around on her…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Broken

I was born with broken and missing pieces. My brain doesn’t process information right.

When listening to people talk I hear the words but don’t understand what they are saying because there’s more to it than just the words. My brain doesn’t see the subtle clues that give the extra context to understand what they mean. Their facial expressions, vocal inflection, unusual phrasings, and other…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Friendships and Imagination, Part 2

Friendships and Imagination, Part 2 #friendship #hope #aspergers #aspie #lies #betrayal #relationships #asd #austism

Part 2 There were some problems recently though. My birthday this past year was made worse than I knew it was going to be by her. She read a post I made on facebook where I was venting about someone who’d been caught lying to me and using me and assumed it was about her so my day started with tears because I thought to call my Grandmother like I’ve always done on my birthday and went downhill…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Solitude

Solitude http://wp.me/p2HnDV-mA #Truth #Reality #Illusion #Lies #Thoughts #Loneliness #Happiness #Philosophy #Solitude #Dreams #Zen

Time alone with no distractions, the the moments between turning off the lights and falling asleep, the hours when you have only your own thoughts, only yourself, is something many people fear. It is a time when many people feel alone. It is a time when you cannot deny the truth of who you are and if that truth is unpleasant, it is a time when loneliness sets in. Many people go about their life…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Friendships and Imagination, Part 1

Friendships and Imagination, Part 1 #friendship #hope #aspergers #aspie #lies #betrayal #relationships #asd #austism

I’ve been working on this post for some time and just wasn’t happy with it. When I say some time I mean over six months. Something seemed wrong. It just didn’t seem to be accurate enough. I’ve figured out what the problem was, I wasn’t approaching it correctly. Tonight, while laying on a gurney at the hospital I figured out how to do this. Sadly, it has been a couple months since I figured out…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Heart Palpitations

Heart Palpitations #Heart #Malnutrition #Hospital #Depression #Anxiety

Not quite palpitations. I’ve had some chest pain the last couple days, felt like a knife in the cener of my chest to be exact, but it wasn’t too bad. This morning I woke up and not only was it significantly worse my chest was constricted like there was a heavy band wrapped around it and my heartbeat felt wrong, I don’t really know how to describe it other than kind of “liquidy.” Needless to say I…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Games Children Play

Games Children Play #Friendship #Happiness #Jealousy #Spitefulness #Hope

In life we all face adversity, sometimes for short periods and other times for long ones. I’ve faced more than my fair share, often as a result of games people chose to play to which I was blind because of my broken and missing pieces. A friend of mine, my best friend, has faced more than her fair share as well. Over the last 2 years it was one thing after another and often so rapidly that there…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Wimpy + Brutus = Too much for spinach?

Wimpy + Brutus = Too much for spinach? http://wp.me/p2HnDV-lv #Lies #Cheating #Abuse #Deceit #Liars #Relationships #Betrayal #Aspergers

Why is it that some people will go out of their way to avoid living up to their obligations and then act offended when someone gets upset over their actions? Worse yet, why do those people look for opportunity to act offended before anyone has said anything about their actions? I realize that the first is to try to get something for nothing at the expense of others, but the second serves only to…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Where have I been?

Where have I been? #Lies #Betrayal #MentalHealth #Fear #Abuse #Aspergers #Afraid #Friendship #Friends

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve been, the answer is simple. I’ve been afraid. I stopped posting my thoughts here, stopped posting on my personal facebook, stopped going to the places I’ve always gone, just stopped doing anything at all because I was afraid. I’m still afraid. I only go a handful of places and even that is mostly only at need, I rarely go anywhere simply because I want to…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My bathroom was taken over, i have people ringing my phone at 3am, theres NO room to move in here, i have to spend 5 minutes digging out my trunk to get my clothes, and I have no privacy or time to myself. I hate having roomates. I can’t wait till I have my place to myself again.

[bipedal-vertebrate]

New old job

Went to Verizon to take a job test today (Universal Test Battery) and when i got there they said i didnt have to take that test since my scores from 97 are still valid (phew, saves me about 4 hours) and that I only had to take the typing assesment test (about 20 minutes). theyre calling me tomorrow at 10am for a ‘structured phone interview’ and running my background check (thru the Secret…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

$What would you do for 15.00 in marijuanna?

$What would you do for 15.00 in marijuanna?

TWO MORE ARRESTED IN READING TORTURE CASE Story posted on 9/21/2003 [ View a video clip of this news story ] (requires free Real One Player – click here for help) —- >>> TWO MORE MEN ARE BEHIND BARS TONIGHT IN WHAT WEST READING POLICE CALL THE WORST CRIME THEY’VE SEEN IN YEARS. LAST NIGHT… ROBERT AND MICHAEL HUGG WERE ARRESTED FOR TORTURING A SINKING SPRING MAN. TODAY, TWO MORE SUSPECTS TURNED…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Loose lips sink ships.

Loose lips sink ships.

And in this case the one they sank had my trust in it. It seems someone has a very big mouth and has been running to my mother with all the details on my life they can find, and being as everyone that knows me knows that my life is none of her damn business, that bit of disrespect has now shut everyone out of my life. That means that nobody will be told a damn thing about my life, period. dont…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Hollow Echoes

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not know who you are? To have everything that makes you who and what you are just crumble to dust and blow away? To be nothing more than just a shell with nothing inside? Who I was is gone. Psyko died in 1992 but Crash eventually replaced him. Crash passed along in 1996 to be replaced by E. Nigma, who remained lost and never really found himself,…

[bipedal-vertebrate]

Social Etiquette

At crossbowmans range, determining the sex of a person wearing brightly colored silks, lace, a wig, and with their face painted is impossible. Brightly colored silks, lace, wigs, and makeup were once signs of wealth. Wealthy men (read noblemen) were common targets for crossbowmen, and so to protect themselves they took measures that were blatantly sexist and arrogant, such as requiring women to…