bingefreesince2k17 - Tumblr blog

[bingefreesince2k17]

2 MONTHS / 60 DAYS BINGE FREE

Guys!!!! I have been binge free for 61 days! I am incredibly proud of myself since for the past however many YEARS I couldn't have even imagined this. Even hoped for this. So freaking amazing. Now not to kill the festive mood I did sadly binge today. I have felt on the edge of it for about a week now and I've been weighing myself and found myself thinking a lot about losing weight or slimming down. I'm pretty sure these plus probably other things I'm not aware of have triggered it. My goal was 66 days binge free (and beyond!) so I could feel pretty down about getting so close but not quite. I will not though! This is a HUGE accomplishment for me and I WILL STILL BE SO FUCKING PROUD OF IT!! 😊 I'm a bit worried this will trigger more of them but also knowing that I CAN live a "normal", relaxed, happy life without binging like I have these past two months makes me think that maybe I can just continue on with my life and not fall back into the dark hole that BED is for me. I really want to repeat and focus on how FREE I have felt and how no amount or type of food will ever give that to me. Food itself has made me so happy but ONLY when not consumed in a binge situation. Honestly I don't remember when I've felt this relaxed since this started. I want to keep going and just live in peace.

[bingefreesince2k17]

Turning my gw rewards into days without binging rewards

My ultimate goal is obviously forevaaaaah without binging but the main goal rn is 66 days without binging.

1 week without // eyelash extensions (already got em) haircut!

2 weeks without // new shoes

3 weeks without // new bag

 1 month without // online shopping spree

5 weeks without // forward helix piercing

6 weeks without //

7 weeks without //

8 weeks without //

[bingefreesince2k17]

Oh, hi, hello

I’m back again. So sick of binging and being low key ed. Ha I even changed the url from 2k16 to 2k17 so what does that tell ya..?

I just never want to think about calories or meals or that stuff again. And at the same time I feel so desperate to not let go of all that.

I wish I could just be one of those people who eat their three meals and don’t even think about food in between. You know like when you were a kid and just ate whenever your parents gave you food and for the rest of the time you didn’t worry about it at all. Yeah, I want that.

I’ll really try guys. Mainly it’s just a habit so if I don’t feed it (couldn’t think of a better wordinggggg) it should fade away, right?? Can I just cut it out right away? In the book Brain Over Binge she kind of did so it’s possible. I’ve tried that and idk it doesn’t seem to work so well like just sitting with the thoughts yeah it does go away but then I realise like 30mins after when I’ve let my guard down that I’m binging. So wtf am I supposed to do?

I’ll try. I’ll try.

I just want to be “normal” even though normal doesn’t exist.

[bingefreesince2k17]

Today

has been a terrible day for humanity all over the world. (My) ed things seem so small compared to this kind of tragedy. I feel very lucky and heartbroken at the same time. I wish there was something I could do. I really don’t just want to write that but actually know if there is. I’m working towards studying psychology in UNI so I hope someday I can really help people any way I can.

Trying to get more out of my head and instead just enjoy this life while I can.

[bingefreesince2k17]

Hey Guys, I would not be doing this unless I absolutely had to, but I’m asking for donations. Every little bit helps, and if you can’t afford to, just reblogging helps. Thank you so much everyone.

More info under the cut:

Keep reading

[bingefreesince2k17]

Since coming back from the holiday I've been binge free except for yesterday. Not giving up tho!! I really just want to recover so let's keep going!

[bingefreesince2k17]

Just changed the name of this tumblr... I guess it’s a good goal for now. Towards a binge free 2k17 we go!

[bingefreesince2k17]

Literally over here having an anxiety attach because of how I've been bingeing the past week and I'm going on an holiday to see family I only see once a year and I want to go to the beach and enjoy myself and I literally feel and look like I gained all the fat back I had lost this spring (which probs isn’t possible from just a week. Is it??) and I know this is fucking ridiculous compared to actual problems but I just hate having an eating disorder and I feel like I cant get out. The only option my head is telling me is to eat super little to make up for the binges but I know that will only make me binge. I don't know what to do!! 😢😢😢😢😢

[bingefreesince2k17]

So...

I screwed up. I'm back but I'm right where I started :( I re-downloaded recovery record and I guess I'll have to start unfollowing so many peeps on instagram and delete a lot of apps. I literally have to do everything again and start over ;(( And I really can’t blame anyone for this but myself. Ughh I could go on for ages but I'm sure you get the point. Sorry. I don't know if I need to apologise but I kind of feel like I do. Thank goodness for pokémon go 😅 can get my mind off of this

[bingefreesince2k17]

[bingefreesince2k17]

In your busy schedule, make sure you plan in some time to yourself. That might be time reading, exercising, painting… whatever it is that helps you be with yourself and not feel the need to be anyone else. It’s just as important to schedule this time as it is to schedule any other tme, if not more.

something my social worker is always saying to me. (via feelthefearanddoitanyway-x)

[bingefreesince2k17]

:))))

Been feeling a little crappy about recovery but I just realised how far I’ve come these past few months! I’ve been alone at home tonight and haven’t even thought about bingeing. This would have been IMPOSSIBLE before and even if I had made it through the night it would have been such a stressful experience. And now I didn’t even realise! It’s these little things that make me feel like I can really do this!!

[bingefreesince2k17]

Bad mood

Feeling sad so if reading about stuff like this makes you sad too then stop now :/ I’ll be back to better things tomorrow :)

I just watched Kalels video on youtube about her really, really tough year and it kind of made me remember a few years back when I was having the worst year of my life so far as well. I don’t know why I’m writing this here because this blog is about recovery and getting better but I guess I’m just thinking that if I post about the not-so-great times as well it’ll be more truthful than if I just post when I’m super motivated and on top of the world.

I want to start by saying I was never depressed but I was very sad for quite some time a few years back. I felt the worst I’ve ever felt about myself and actually sometimes I didn’t feel anything at all or probably just tried to block out anything I could have felt. Another thing I remember is that I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty empathetic person and I feel like I can really relate to people when talking to them, in good and bad, and thats something I really like about myself. But at the time when I couldn’t really make sense of my own feelings, I couldn’t feel anything for anyone else either and I was so cold to some people and it still makes me sad to think about it. A big part of this was due to my e.d. but a lot was also because of how life at home was at the time.

Still not sure why I’m writing this…

So now sometimes, like after watching that video, but also if I accidentally hear a sad song (I try to avoid those these days because they really affect my mood) or if it’s dark outside or I’ve had a weird day or if I feel like I’m not doing good at school or something I get that same kind of feeling. And I can’t help but feel like I’m always trying to balance my feelings and I’m always one sad song away from feeling right back here.

And the fact that when I was feeling this way was also the time that my e.d. was at it’s worst makes me kind of scared of feeling like this because for a moment I feel exactly the same as back then and it’s something I never want to go back to. But the difference I guess is that it does go away now and I know tomorrow I wont feel bad and it’ll be a good day. Also, I’m aware that a lot of people have it so much worse and that I’m so lucky to be where I am. So to really cliché-ily quote Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower “…even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad.”

I actually kind of hope nobody red this post because it’s so freaking long :D I think writing might be my therapy though, because I already feel a lot better. Hope I didn’t make anyone feel sad if you did get through reading this.

[bingefreesince2k17]

Prochaska’s Transtheoretical model of a Behaviour Change

I thought I’d post (a pretty coloured, bubble-writing) version of this model for behaviour change as it’s something that my dietitian has discussed with me many, MANY times.

We use (a way less pretty) version of this to see ‘where I’m at’ in terms of recovery. Knowing what stage I’m at is useful for determining how treatment is going and how we’re going to ‘deal’ with me.

Stages 4-6 are a bit ‘messy. You may not always proceed straight from maintenance to relapse, and relapse can re-enter the cycle at any point: from (1) pre-contemplation to (4) action. Relapse doesn’t necessarily mean you go back to the start.

What’s useful about this diagram as well, is acknowledging the length of time it takes for meaningful behaviour change. The ‘maintenance’ phase isn’t reached for six months after the action phase is started. Minimum.

As someone recovering from an ED this is a helpful reminder for me. Just like I expect perfection in my disorder (and most aspects of my life) we have a tendency to expect perfection in recover too. We expect to be a ‘100% committed ED recovery warrior/soldier’ embracing oatmeal and yoga and ‘yay new bras my boobs are bigger.’

This reminds me that recovery is a long, long, process. And that it’s not necessarily linear. And that’s ok.

[bingefreesince2k17]

The worst part about nostalgia with an eating disorder is that you know you weren’t happier when you were sick. the nostalgia isn’t telling you that you were happier, it’s just telling you that you didn’t have to deal with things the way you do now in recovery. 

When you were sick you could swat away these feelings and those memories and all those problems with a bag of chips or a jog on the treadmill or a few pills or a few hours more until you can eat. 

You didn’t have to think about the hard things, the things that hurt you most. Yes you still felt the terrible feelings and thoughts from those terrible things, but they were numbed, subdued. It’s telling you it was easier because in a way, it WAS easier. 

But that doesn’t mean it was better. And you know that, and the nostalgia knows that. But you can’t help but yearn for that subdued effect because you could “deal” with things so much easier….. by not dealing with them at all.

Recovery makes you face those things that you kept trying to numb and subdue. It’s hard and it hurts and all you want to do is turn back half the time. But you know, all the time, that it will never give you what you want and that the pain will never end there. So you either recover, or subject yourself to a life of pain.

[bingefreesince2k17]

Sometimes I get this vision of me, completely recovered, happy and healthy. I get it at totally random times and usually not when I need it the most. Regardless, it gives me so freaking much hope!

We are fighting an illness, not the amounth of food we eat. So try to remember that please.

[bingefreesince2k17]

Oooh ok! This did clear it up a lot so thank you :) :)

Brain Over Binge?

I’ve been reading this book you probably have heard of called Brain Over Binge. I know it has helped a lot of people but I just can’t seem to get it. 

I understood that when I feel like bingeing I’m supposed to just wait it out and distance myself from it (and think that it’s just my animal brain). I know I’m not supposed to fight it and just let the thought come without acting on them but HOW am I supposed to do that while resisting bingeing but still not resisting?? I don’t know if my explanation even makes sense, I’m so confused. 

If anyone has read it and can explain I’d be so grateful!