bileexpiry

[bileexpiry]

This was a few nights ago, but it's been weighing on me since It happened.

In my dream, I saw my ex-fiancee, Spencer. He was very miserable looking, just dark..? Hunched over in my old childhood hood home, specifically my old parents' bedroom, sitting on the bed holding himself defensively? Withheld.

There's some sort of fairytail like a party happening. This room is more dim than the brightly colored decorations. There are some pale lights and a swan decoration giving a light glow, almuminating the room enough to see him.

I am dressed up beautifully, I think some sort of light blue dress? Though I'm not so sure, sparkly, jewelry, the whole 9 yards.

He ashamed, I think, he looks at me... weirdly. Uncomfortable completely, and whatever moods ooze off of him in waves. He is upset but filters himself, seeming to just fall silent instead of any words.

He tells me he didn't want to be here, but it felt like he was just saying he didn't want to be in front of me. Hense, maybe why the hiding away. We talk for a while about things I don't remember.

I tell him how my life is nowadays. I'm more spirtual, I'm better at tarot, I work with Aphrodite now, with the statue I got you as a gift. I go to therapy now, I'm working on my rape trauma and ptsd, I feel better, I feel myself really healing.

I hug him, and I hold him as we sit on the bed together. I tell him I love him, how i wish, and hope he's doing better, how I would never hate him and just wish he'll get better one day and everything eases.

He seems uncomfortable and ashamed to touch me. He doesn't return the affection but lets me hold him.

He clams up, frowing sorta. He looks small and tired, defeated. He asks me how I changed? In a tone that sorta...questions how without crashing and burning. He asks me how Can I get over him and "this"? (The intense grief of our relationship and the trauma from it)

I don't really answer. I take his hand, leading him out the dark room into the brightly lit party. It is pretty, and he stands out in his dark, not extravagant clothes. He seems uncomfortable but lets me do so. I lead him away out the party, into the normal lights of the hallways. There are sorta 2 doors. A broom closet of sorts and a coat closet.

(This is where i don't remember it so well...)

I take ? A shovel, I think, from the broom closet. The mini ones I used to bury an offering for Hermes. Weirdly... I keep them in a pair irl, in my closet, despite needing just one. I think this implied deitys or something spirtual.

As I get the shovels, I tell him, "This is how". I am beaming, in the moment I felt so good, beautiful both out and inner.

I lead him to a coat closet. And thats were it ends.

I'm not sure if the coat closet implied, putting it on ? Or dressing up ? With the offering symbolization, It could be read as either I'm showing him quite literally what I did, haha, or two, some sort of burial for his way of thinking. The shovel is a tool to help dig out the past...? Or maybe hard work..? Who knows.

[bileexpiry]

[bileexpiry]

1/29/2021

I wonder why I dream about my childhood crushes often, or well at least more often then I'd be comfortable with.

It's always the same 2 also. These dreams always make me extremely sad.

[bileexpiry]

11/14/2020 Dream Entry

- Needles

- my phone broken

- water

[bileexpiry]

11/1/2020 Dream Entry

Had a dream about going thru my parents old belongings. I found a dark purple rosary. I was happy that i didn't need to buy one.

[bileexpiry]

10/11/2020 Dream Entry

- Holding hands with my middle school best friend

- Broken mugs

- tv

[bileexpiry]

10/5/2020 Dream Entry

- Toads all over the living room

- Plus some rabbits

- Phone

- Filling up the water at emilys but spilling it

- Green lamp light

[bileexpiry]

10/4/2020 Dream Entry

- my left eye was all black, sometimes clumps of blood coming off

- My phone being hacked

[bileexpiry]

9/29/2020 Dream Entry

- 3 angry dogs

- sea urchin

- investigators a mansion

[bileexpiry]

9/28/2020 Dream Entry

- My dream told me to draw more, specifically the top of mugs

- Shotguns

- some sort of apocalypse?

- Mercy killing

[bileexpiry]

Ended up sobbing my eyes out a few nights ago which is pretty rare lol. I was really frustrated with myself and everything kept ticking me off.

I kept trying to do my shots but i kinda just couldn't, made me feel like shit cause I've been pretty good with it despite being a total pussy with that shit. It's just been a rough month for me overall but thats what triggered it tonight. Ended up crying twice in the bathtub and bathroom floor lol.

I kept Jessie up till 3am cause they were worried about me, we ended up sleeping in the same bed. I ended up getting up after they knocked out. My cat was sleeping on my bed and when i layed down she went up to me and started purring and sleeping on me.

[bileexpiry]

I'm not sure what i expected. I'm used to not celebrating my birthday but acknowledgment would be nice.

[bileexpiry]

9/8/2020 Dream Entry

Idk where to start, its 9am. 2 hour dream. My wrist hurts.

It started off with me sleeping in my old house, i wad sleeping in some sort of backroom behind my closet only accessible through a small vent. Mostly empty besides a small matress, a shelf, and a hanging light. Me and jessie were sleeping there. In my dream i woke up to them strangling me, i told myself to just let it happen. Idk what happened next.

My brother is over, i don't want him to look thru my stuff again so i meet him. He acknowledges me, idk what happened next.

I'm in a car with Erika, Jessie, and mom. We drive past weird colorful buildings. A train LI pumpkins, connected over and over to tiny sheds almosy like a train. An egg shaped tower in the sky.

I walked into this goop room? Melty. It had tons of people. I'm naked, I'm trying to find my brother.

I'm sitting in front of a lady, she's categorizing the hairs of my dead brother. I accidentally break one, she seems tired if her job. Small pieces ??? Of him are there to decorate. I told her i would like to die one day, and i hope this will be done to me. She pulls my hair out and starts doing the same.

She starts knitting them. My wrist started bleeding in a small dotted cross. She told me I must have pricked myself. The longer she looked the more she starts acting weird.

I woke up somewhere after leaving her

[bileexpiry]

9/1/2020 Dream Entry

- Small doors

- Bees crawling into my hair

- Pizza

[bileexpiry]

.

I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way but I've pretty much come to understand i will never really pass as an ADULT male. I'm salty? yes, but i still live my life normally and am mostly comfortable in my body even if I'm just perceived as a kid, at least I'm viewed as a boy.

I feel like i overly present as cute just because I'll never come across as manly or tough.

It's very bittersweet but I'll survive

[bileexpiry]

i forgot to post this

Dream Entry 8/2/2020

- People from my old church

- A hockey Jersey

- vending machine doors

- uber lol

- my old house

[bileexpiry]

Etc random dream notes

5/15/2020

-Needles

-Walking thru old dreams / k9 hospital

-Asking for a paper to write this weird shit down

-Every time someone look at my they get dizzy

-4 tables make a letter

-Box cutters

-Sitting in a parked car at my old church

-I was talking to someone in my drean when i woke up

5/14/2020

2 hour dream

-Syringe

-Emily's house

-A boy eating lotion

-Stepping in water

-Emily calling other people

-Wind so heavy it paralysis people

???

- house made of glass on a dock

- storm

- right side of the house

I remember it but not a lot, that makes me a lil sad cause it was a cool nightmare