beatniksavage

[beatniksavage]

Effigy of The Numen

My actual memory or memories of God were taught to me from my mother. We didnt pray or bless our food every meal that I can recall, but more in her slight nods to his existence throughout daily life. Rinsing my hair of shampoo and asking me to "Look up to God" so my head would tilt and I didn't get any of the soap in my eyes is the one that I believe was mostly said. She'd then ask me to tell her what he was doing so i would stay in that position til she was done. I later passed this on to my own kids, because I thought that it gave a good time tk open dialog up about God and Heaven and allowed them to ask questions...and also helped me get soap rinsed with out screaming and crying. Mom also taught us the usual and well resighted childrens prayers. I believe I had a children's golden book of prayers even. " Now I lay me down to sleep" a definite one I was taught. This again scary for me. The fact children said "if i should die before i wake...i pray the lord my soul to take" I remember thinking no please don't take my soul. Young as I was during these days and knowing so little of anything close to what that prayer means left me in more of an uneasy feeling and not comfort when I was expected to go to sleep after. Also the prayer"God is great God is Good let us thank him for our food." I am fairly sure me and my sister would say this from time to time but I dont know who told us to or if we just wanted to say it sometimes beforeour meals

Only my understanding of that pray was that "God is Grey and God is good" so began my pictured thoughts of who and what God was. This image that I was growing in my mind was not at all scary like the church experiences i had or of him coming to take me in my sleep like the child's prayer book made me think, but instead I was thinking of an older man grey in color and liked bowling some nights and that's why we had to listen to thunder on his League nights. (Another one from mom ) The figure in my mind would bounce between papa smurf, a wizard with a long beard and my grand dad. The only person I knew that could possibly know the answers to everything was my grandfather. His nickname was wizard so my corolating wizards and him was easy and wizards super smart and can make anything happen with magic so my Granddad with magical powers. But he was grey in color. Like all over not just bus hair but a totally grey man. This pictural of God quickly to the replica of the sculpture "The Thinker".

I have no idea how I knew what the statue looked like. I have no actual memory of my first time seeing a photo of it or watching something on tv that showed me it. I just knew he was grey (bronze turned greenish grey) and he was very smart. He was from that point forward (the age of approximately 7 and up for sure maybe earlier) "The Thinker". Even as an adult when religion, spirutality, heaven hell, prayers, manifestion, faith, or any relating topic my mind immediately shows me the thinker. Naturally our minds show us whom ever it is that we are thinking and speaking about. Even if we've never met someone using the details we are given that sets us into motion for creating our own image of the person that we are in conversation or thought about. You do it with out even trying or knowing most likely. Something for us to use in our natural attempts at relating to them or understanding possibly or just to give ourselves something to go on for the sake of keeping things interesting. Who knows why we do jt, well I am sure there's a good theory or even some facts on why we do but thats a different topic for a differe t day.

The Thinker is a sculpture that I knew little about until I recently decided to venture into my personal image of the ALMIGHTY. I knew that it was bronze, I knew it was originally titled "The Poet" and somewh

[beatniksavage]

Growing pains

Darkened rooms and lonely cries are about all I can recall of my adolescent nights. With a tear standed pillow wrapped and smothered all around my sleepy head, due to my own stubborn pride not allowing me to express wimpers past what you could hear unless you were right there in my bed. I remember wanting my mother to come help and in the next wanted her to suffer. Believe me! Listen to me! See me! I was invisble everywhere and not important enough for anyone to take much care. Inside of me is so much red hot stiffeling anger that I somehow still manage to carry. He has been long gone for years and hasn't hurt me in even longer- but what he has left behind inside of me still able to bring me to tears. How is it possible for him to still have this power, I am done allowing him to be able to control my every hour. The damage and trauma that resides within always keeps me in wonder.. Wonder what I would have became in life if he hadn't been the one chosen to raise me. Wonder if I would have done things different or if I would have still ended up the person that I have became to be. Will my marriage forever have to pay for the debt that was made back in those days? . Will my childrens mother keep having to pick herself up off the floor still even tho you would think those parts of her time would have healed. I want to leave it where it all went down, to be able to stand taller and proudly straighten my crown. I don't recall much of those days to be completely real, but the damage that was left within my young soul is something that I battle still. I don't hate him as a matter of fact I have deep sorrow. For the monster inside him and for the mourning of my only chance at a father. So life it moves in waves on to the next, never slowing never speeding but just as we expect. I would never have allowed my head to hang low, not then not now no one can see that weakgirl I keep in tow. So that anger still surfaces whenever life gets too steep and I have no way to know how to control these pains carried inside me so deep. Rehashing my youth in the faces of those I love, all because that man who should never be called "dad" could not rise above. I'm sorry that I carry so much hurt and that I am not able to burry all my burdens in the back yard dirt. I hate that my husband and kids are left to endure what damages he did. Forgive and forget is something I have been told and although I put in my best efforts obviously the trama still flows. I want to be blindlessly happy in life, and as I try to lay next to the man who made me his wife...I know he loves me and that he will care for me for all time, but that little voice from inside tells me I'll never be enough and he will nvr be mine. I am not worthy of anything thats worth having and if I would just walk away from my love then he could be happy. That I deserve nothing but filth and the bottom of the trash pile, I hear all this in my head while I still try to wear my smile. Its hard to express to anyone what goes on inside this warped lil noggin ..even though my mouth is always running and not soon stopping! Those words do nothing when spoken to be able to heal the wounds that are still left here wide open. Inflicting pain and anguish onto my most loved ones all because I am forever going to be stuck in feeling like i am less than no one. This isn't my family's cross to pick up and carry. It should be only me that has burrden left to be wearing. But hurt people hurt people and the cycle is... Never Ending.

[beatniksavage]

Governor

In you I saw passion that compared to no o other I had seen. You held the whole world within you and kept a tight grip on that dream. Never did I expect to find so much depth in your eyes, and the pain that came with it you had quit trying to disquise. I miss the connection that I felt in your presence. How when I was around you it felt like you had all the answers to so many questions. Hours upon hours I listened to you teach. Those that came around you said you could truthfully preach. All this raw emotion and realness. No one could touch it but they were blessed to be able to feel it. I saw you struggle and break to your knees. I heard you cry out and your voice crack at the pleas. I wanted to be able to help get you seen by the world, because I was for sure that it would also see that with in you a star was born. Having you in my life at a time when life lessons were all in my mist, you became the friend that helped me battle that list. Take these words that I have left here for you today with you when you are down and know that within at least one person your talent was found. That your works and the countless hours that you have put in, helped this woman find and heal the young girl that was within.

[beatniksavage]

Let go

As if I knew where I was hanging on.

Move on

To where I hadn't even lived in this place that long.

You deserve better

Better than the person you were made to be with?

He will regret it

Does that hold any merit when He Does?

Love sucks girl

But isn't it only supposed to be worth having if it's hard?

Its only going to get worse

The vows I made I swore better or worse

I just don't know what to say

Say that I feel exactly what I should and that no matter what I chose for my love that if it's my choice its the right one. And that you don't know what he is feeling or what he thinks that he may come around or he may never think of me. Life is hard love is harder and marriage is shit the margortiy of the time but those other times when your finishing each other's sentences and you laugh at the shared jokes and you are able to hold your children close together in bed snuggled tight and dinner out on a Tuesday night means more than winning the lottery....that's when the shit times do not mean shit . A truck ton of shit days gets hauled away with the new wonderful replacing every spec of shit down to the last piece.

[beatniksavage]

Chosen No Vacancy

He let go so easy it made her heart skip and her throat swell. He had moved on and she should try to as well.

She was so easy to walk away from even in the bright day light and He was so hard to turn lose even if she filled herself full of spite.

Of course the cold night wouldn't make him any more eager to cling on that which he doesn't feel bonded and that he now wasn't very fond of.

She held on as if it would matter to him at all what she was willing to endure. Good or bad happy or sad less effort or more in the end he was going to hit the door.

And she knew it, and she knew every one knew it. They saw which made her patethetic grasps even more apauling. watchers in the side lines who cast every eye on her. And witnessed all her stauling.

The tighter she held the more he tried to shake his wife. Of course he felt some pity who wouldn't for a person with such low self life

She knew how everyone saw her and wanted more than anything to be able to let go as quick as a hot pan on the oven. Her immature eyes and Her selfish heart just told her one more try and he would come on back for her lovin.

But as she wrapped her arms around all that she could remember he already had his arms wrapped around a new member.

She cried for him and hoped his future was bright but he just pushed her out of his thoughts and was looking into a new light .

He heard here or there some story of the girl he knew still cared but it made no difference to him because the feelings just weren't shared.

No one can help how their heart feels and it doesn't matter what someone has brought into your life if they're not the one....they aren't the one.

He will continue on with his life and recall maybe a shared laugh while she will laugh at not continuing life's cruel path.

For each of them this event was able to be 2 completely different strains for one it was a stepping stone and to the other it was the bridges end .

[beatniksavage]

Sis your big 16 girl

I can't believe that it has already been 16 years since at 1030 at night me and ur dad took off for the may field hospital Jack son purchase to have a baby. I really wasn't that scared I was actually just ready to meet you and see your face and what u kooked like. I had so many dif ideas of what you could turn out like. After 18 hrs in labor at the hospital where i only had one shot of stadol pain relief and 20 min of pushing you were finally out. The first thing I said when seeing you was OMG she is so big! You only weighed 6 lbs even and was 19 1/4 inches long. Not all that big at all. Tall tho no surprise. Your fingers were the prettiest lol fingers I had ever seen and you had a head full of charcoal blk hair that hung down past ur neck. I thought u were perfect and couldn't believe that two kids like me and your dad both the blk sheep's in our families had made something so beyond perfection than any thing else I had ever seen. Your dad cried when seeing you for the first time. He was a great new daddy and helped me way more than most of my friends baby father helped them. He was proud of you and we took you every where that we went. If you couldn't go then our outlook wwas then we didn't need to be there either.. ..it kept us young parents out of any trouble and we made you our world.

Our days were spent just me and you while daddy worked thru the week. Every day we got up and ate breakfast and I gave u a bath and I put u on an outfit that u hadn't ever wore most days. you had more stuff and clothes than any other baby I knew. I didn't have to buy diapers til u were like 9 months old! Even if we didn't go anywhere I always made sure that u were dressed and had a matching bow hate or headband to go with. We would read books until falling asleep together in my bed with books all around us. Your fav movie was a 15 min free video of elmo loves music that came with one of ur baby items and I had to rewind that thing a million times a day.

You were so smart so young. You did every thing early including walking at 9 mo talking first word at 6 mo (it was bye bye to grandma and grand dad and u waved) you cud say your pledge of alliegence count to ten 3 languages sing twinkle twinkle and do your abc at 15 mo old. I knew that this lil pride and joy we had was going to be something special.

Every where u went u were the center of attention. NVR met a stranger loved people and they loved u even more. You won some beauty pagents too and being in front of a crowd did not bother u a single second. You had always talked wiser than your true age. Saying things that often baffled your dad and me both and making others scratch their chins wondering how u knew such things. Your an old soul people would say or it's like she's been here before. Both I have believed to be true.

You became such a good big sister and loved Nolan from day one. NVR jealous and always wanting to help with him. You were kind and caring and even tho not many children around u at a young age you loved to share. You played a lot of make believe type games and watched Elmo still but most of all you wanted to do was read. And we did alot! You had so many books it was like the children's section at the library. No, Davis was your fav book and u knew it word for word.

Starting school was hard...for me and u both. My side kick wasn't going to be with me thru the day any more and I truly missed your snuggles at nap time. I worried so much about u because u were so sweet and so delicate. You were quiet and meek and shy to meet new people esp kids. But you did okay struggling to make friends each year because you NVR really grasped that u had to go up to them and play lol.

Every year you grew older and I grew more proud. You were a good student for the most pArt you were a good sibling most days and you were also good at home. Lying was your weak point and something today that u still struggle with. Don't worry u get it from your g.ma. lol

Kinsley I am so proud of the young lady that you have become. And you have done most of all this growing up and raising on your own. You picked a path and you went down it. Your bravery and your strength is something that I admire and I don't have near enough of. Determination that you have to get thru things is something that you don't give yourself an option in. Your creative side is my favorite part and I love the way your able to put on paper words that come together so perfectly and your drawings that look as if u had art lessons your whole life. Your talented and you have the whole world in front of u and it is all yours when you are ready to go out and grab it. And I hope you do. Your gonna go so far kid! Don't close off your opportunities and keep urself in a box in western ky. Your bigger than this place. Allow your self to feel things that hurt and to feel them when they are good too. Don't dull yourself so that you can cope. So many do. Feel it all all the way your art will show it. I promise. Be thankful kinsley. You were blessed in this life. Your beautiful talented smart and your from a family that is able to get you things that most kids in the world don't have. That's a blessing don't snub it off...always think about those who go with out when u don't like a gift and be sure to take the time every day to take in what is never promised to us and that's a new day. Sis your my baby girl and for as long as I am alive and your no matter how old you will always be my baby girl. Life's lessons r getting more difficult every day I know they are. And I wish i cud tell you that you will do fine but I can't. Some days you may not be fine. Some may be down right undoable but the only thing u can do to try to make it to the next one is to tell your self that life is supposed to have ups and downs. That this is normal and even tho it may be a suck day the next day maybe an amazing day cuz that is just how life is. So embrace the suck days for they will be what allows you to appreciate the amazing ones.

Happy sweet 16 my beautiful baby girl Kinsley Dnae.

[beatniksavage]

Fair Game Far Cry

Immediately she is pulled into chaos and confusion that her mate is able to unleash

Listening to the sound of utter madness. Frantic yet strange enough arguementively believable ring

Surfacing brightly with dark over casts presented temperments, emotions, motives, and morale that prior had remained scorching but dormant within

One trying to follow suit while puzzle piecing the others fantasy of the tales that bellowed from their lungs and then take spouses heart and his own to spiritually and devotely mend

Its not plausible to stitch these wounds that are made out of blankets from make believe

Generating them to be left to bandage one another's spurting opened hearts placed so recklessly on their sleeves.

How do you care for your tauntres yet still be able to preserve yourself and your own pride

Showing weakness in every breath. Is only allowing the mountain lion that's raging inside to surface abruptly and with quick stride

Neither able to befriend or even meeken the animal that's now been uncaged

Leaping over the facts crouching behind every loop hole and sniffing out their lovers blame

It can't continue ripping and shredding the both of them at this furious and also deadly pace

Only way to slow It would be to wait, take one another in cradling each others panic strickened face.

Seeing the terror and all the destruction of what they had been and reflecting on the previous bestowals they had

The lovers now turn and lunge bravely to where they had just brief moments ago let their own voices inside go mad

Now enlightened that it will take them fighting in partnership to defend off the giant predator cat saving matrimony and preserving their rare cherished gift

Banded as one from the vows they recalled they'd made, the pair conqored the enormous feline by utilizing their combined abilities, savoring clemency, in turn mending their souls so they may never again cause between them a single rift

[beatniksavage]

RESTLESS

I have wanted You have received I have waited You haven't heard my pleas I have ached You have enjoyed I have cried And you have moaned  Putting your needs above my own Putting all of my wants on hold My life is still and lacks what I desire See Yours goes on and your bed stays on fire My soul is reaching for yours the more we are apart Your soul is darkening and so appears is your heart Come back to me before it's too late Bring all your pain and all of your hate Lay your dirt and your filth at my door I promise if you come you'll never have to face it alone anymore

[beatniksavage]

SHE'S NOT THE ONE

Not now not after what she endured all on her own. In life's breaking moments she put pieces back together before they ever hit the floor. Not now after long nights of crying alone when she had no one to turn to so she sat and sang along to the radio. Not now when fate has finally shaped into her favor and she's able to see all the paid off struggles and labor. You cant come in now and expect that girl that you used to know to be there when you finally decide to show your face.  That girl is no where near here she's long gone and you helped to push this new girl away. She's not the one that is gonna stand by while you do whatever it is that you do when she's not near. No that girl is gone too she left with that other bitch that you knew.  This girl isn't the girl that was weak and loathed herself so she allowed others to walk holding on to her dragging her down. Not this woman this woman is kind enough to love with no limits but strong enough to know her own. Don't attempt it, don't even make a first glance. ....cuz she's not the one and u ruined your chance.

[beatniksavage]

Train ride of Desire

This train keeps down the tracks called desire, where all your dreams and your hopes catch fire Desire takes you around the same path, these tracks aren’t ones you usually can ride back Once you board the car of your chosing, it isn’t long before your sanity your losing Many look out the windowz as the world passes by,and all they are able to do is just hold on for the  ride Desire keeps lying to its passengers about the time of arrival,  so you should plot out your plan for survival Creaking, bouncing, and shaking about, desire has no plans on letting you out Go on and and try to jump off the back of the caboose, it is only your life that you are about to loose The train on the tracks of desire will begin to slow down,   you better get off now before the next go around The ride alone has taken from you more than you would like to  admit, go on and get off before you have to commit Exiting this ride isn’t as  easy as you thought it would be, the short ride alone about took you away from me Now that your off the train you miss it’s rickety tracks, but I continue to  pray every night that you wont go back.

[beatniksavage]

BRASH SAVAGE

His touch makes me shiver yet be calm. His voice sends thrills triggering my hormones and then pulling at my emotions His smile makes me giggle yet it can break my heart. I’m thrown into pieces over a beast of a man that he makes the world believe he is. There is no looking back now the savage takes hold…..

Instead of showing her, the stranger, the girl he had never met, that beast he showed her the lamb.  The vulnerable version of his self that he keeps hidden away.  He wanted to let the real him be seen and it was easier to show himself to someone who he didn’t know.  Someone who he didn’t have to be tough around. Tuck away the beast for a while. Just free for the night.

He barreled into her life like the storm he was. Not calm and relaxing raindrops, no he was a hurricane in her heart and a world wind in her pants.  She felt empowered to be wanted by a man of his mystery. She fell for the lamb and she yearned for the beast as well.  Both parts of him that he allowed only her to see.

The problem is that he fell too. He fell for the girl who can’t keep her mouth shut. This nonconforming kind hearted soul.   She makes it easy. She is raw all the time. She is herself everywhere she goes, even at her job where it pays to be fake. She was what he wished he could be. As he watched her he studied every word she spoke that night. Admittedly he was intrigued by her and even more by the words that she told him of her truth. Ahh but there must be something wrong with her. “ She lies.” That must be it. No one is 100 percent honest 100 percent of the time. This is her game. She was just drawing him in with all the tales of her past and her expectations of the future. His was to mask his self with this hardened guy facade, and hers had to be a mask of pure sweetness he figured. “She’s a whore” because that’s all he had known.  Comfortable with her sexuality but faithful isn’t a real thing. Loyal and sex crazed is absolutely impossible. The fact she spoke of her openness with intamcacy so freely made him question the loyalty that her stories spoke of. She assured him she was only his whore. And even tho she allowed him to go on his own and also with her to sexual escapades, still he could not comply with his heart.

Time is a fuck for the weakened heart. He can distance himself with time.  He can put her out of his mind with the next bitch in his cavern. And when the early morning hours come and the harlets crawl out of his covers, the one who wants in his soul preys on his mind. It’s 1am she’s long been asleep but he knows she’s sharing the night with a man. This is what the beast in him has made him believe. The beast is in full control in the dark when she’s not around. The lamb crys for her the beast can not let the lamb be heard. He feeds the beast his meat every night. Allowing it to only sleep every so often. The lamb peeks his head and tells her what she needs to hear to keep her from complete escape. She cries for them both. She crys for the lamb and wants to see him succeed and beat the beast to go live peacefully even if it means she sets him free completely even from her. If she is contributing to the beast then she will run if only the lamb could tell her. The catch and release that goes on between these two souls is breaking them both. While the lamb and the beast are at battle the girl crys alone for them. The lamb breaks out from time to time and caresses her then the beast takes over and fucks her. She can not imagine a world now with out them both but knows only one can survive so she pulls for the lamb. As she draws back the beast drives forward not looking back for her. The beast is winning and she can not bare to watch the lamb be torn to shreds. Blood and meat and women are left all around his cave  and now if she sees him he only allows her to see the lamb. He doesn’t allow her back to his cavern to see the massacre that lies about. If she reaches out for him the beast growls at her but when she stays away the lamb calls out to her. Time is a fuck for the weakened heart. And now the beast has admitted his tire. He is exhausted and circumes to the lamb. The lamb retracts to the cavern to clean the debris that was left behind. He crawls into the nest that belonged to the monster and all of his feedings. The lamb crys all alone for the harlets are gone, the meat is gone, and she is gone. When she gets the news of the beasts defeat she makes every attempt to reach out to him.  Ashamed of what he has put her through, he can not face her. What if she can not just except him as the lamb. No one has before. She can’t be any different. Even though she had first met the lamb he has shown her the beast so she can’t settle for anything else but that rough brash savage that he had portrayed to the world. So alone- him in the grotto of carnage and her alone in her chambers they both weep. Crying for what could have been if the beast hadn’t existed. If the filthy animal had never been introduced in their lives. She is terrified the monstrous animal will return and he is fearful that is all she yearns for. So alone they weep.

[beatniksavage]

Small but probably not that small introduction.

I was told by a friend to start blogging my writings so hey this is what's going down. It's got to be better than the memos ap on my phone which stays filled. So as far as what you can expect to see I can just say probably some mediocre poetry and short stories. Don't get too excited yall...I'm being nice to myself when I say mediocre. As of a few months ago I separated from my husband of 16 years. And while I could dig into that and get all in my feelings, I'll save you the sap and just say that that separation has set me up for amazing things. Probably not a lifetime of riches and fame...but fuck that who wants that?!?! It has lead me to find this chic who's been hiding deep inside that I didn't know existed. Parts of her were around at 18 when I met my husband, but she retracted more and more over the years. Hey now don't get me wrong I got to see glimpses of the now me through out those 16 years. I showed up in places of out reach and selfless giving that I did along the way. I saw her in the small photography business I owned for a few years. I was around for the newest rap song or flowery silky pants I ordered off line. Now though all those pieces of me are in complete full force and then much much more. I'm sure as time goes on I'll get introduced to more parts of me that I am still digging up...but hey that's just another exciting part right? So about myself...I'm in my 30s but swear I have the soul of a 23 year old and wisdom of someone in there 80s. I love to love! Reread that line again!!! That is the biggest part of me. My deepest passion lies in helping other people. I seriously could live in a card board box in the woods and be happy as shit as long as I knew I was helping another by doing it. I know I know you probably think I am nuts. I have no clue why this part of me exists but for what ever reason it's drives the very soul in me. I have embraced it and omg it's a beautiful thing. I have also stepped into a part of myself that I am most proud of since being on this journey. That is the take no shit side. Man I've been a door mat for so long. I confused my desire to help others with people pleasing. Woah I had that all wrong. Doing everything every one else wanted or expected of me. Cowering down to someone else just to avoid conflict. So not me anymore. Now I will come at the conflict head on right then. I won't wait because that's what you want and I won't pussy foot. Ya know what though, as soon as it's resolved I'm gonna keep loving you because that's just what the fuck I do. I read a meme the other day that I think someone plucked right out of my life that says, "I'm all peace, love, light, and a little go fuck yourself" That there is me if you feel the need to find a box to put me in ;)

[beatniksavage]

BRASH SAVAGE

His touch makes me shiver yet be calm. His voice sends thrills triggering my hormones and then pulling at my emotions His smile makes me giggle yet it can break my heart. I’m thrown into pieces over a beast of a man that he makes the world believe he is. There is no looking back now the savage takes hold…..

Instead of showing her, the stranger, the girl he had never met, that beast he showed her the lamb.  The vulnerable version of his self that he keeps hidden away.  He wanted to let the real him be seen and it was easier to show himself to someone who he didn’t know.  Someone who he didn’t have to be tough around. Tuck away the beast for a while. Just free for the night.

He barreled into her life like the storm he was. Not calm and relaxing raindrops, no he was a hurricane in her heart and a world wind in her pants.  She felt empowered to be wanted by a man of his mystery. She fell for the lamb and she yearned for the beast as well.  Both parts of him that he allowed only her to see.

The problem is that he fell too. He fell for the girl who can’t keep her mouth shut. This nonconforming kind hearted soul.   She makes it easy. She is raw all the time. She is herself everywhere she goes, even at her job where it pays to be fake. She was what he wished he could be. As he watched her he studied every word she spoke that night. Admittedly he was intrigued by her and even more by the words that she told him of her truth. Ahh but there must be something wrong with her. “ She lies.” That must be it. No one is 100 percent honest 100 percent of the time. This is her game. She was just drawing him in with all the tales of her past and her expectations of the future. His was to mask his self with this hardened guy facade, and hers had to be a mask of pure sweetness he figured. “She’s a whore” because that’s all he had known.  Comfortable with her sexuality but faithful isn’t a real thing. Loyal and sex crazed is absolutely impossible. The fact she spoke of her openness with intamcacy so freely made him question the loyalty that her stories spoke of. She assured him she was only his whore. And even tho she allowed him to go on his own and also with her to sexual escapades, still he could not comply with his heart.

Time is a fuck for the weakened heart. He can distance himself with time.  He can put her out of his mind with the next bitch in his cavern. And when the early morning hours come and the harlets crawl out of his covers, the one who wants in his soul preys on his mind. It’s 1am she’s long been asleep but he knows she’s sharing the night with a man. This is what the beast in him has made him believe. The beast is in full control in the dark when she’s not around. The lamb crys for her the beast can not let the lamb be heard. He feeds the beast his meat every night. Allowing it to only sleep every so often. The lamb peeks his head and tells her what she needs to hear to keep her from complete escape. She cries for them both. She crys for the lamb and wants to see him succeed and beat the beast to go live peacefully even if it means she sets him free completely even from her. If she is contributing to the beast then she will run if only the lamb could tell her. The catch and release that goes on between these two souls is breaking them both. While the lamb and the beast are at battle the girl crys alone for them. The lamb breaks out from time to time and caresses her then the beast takes over and fucks her. She can not imagine a world now with out them both but knows only one can survive so she pulls for the lamb. As she draws back the beast drives forward not looking back for her. The beast is winning and she can not bare to watch the lamb be torn to shreds. Blood and meat and women are left all around his cave  and now if she sees him he only allows her to see the lamb. He doesn’t allow her back to his cavern to see the massacre that lies about. If she reaches out for him the beast growls at her but when she stays away the lamb calls out to her. Time is a fuck for the weakened heart. And now the beast has admitted his tire. He is exhausted and circumes to the lamb. The lamb retracts to the cavern to clean the debris that was left behind. He crawls into the nest that belonged to the monster and all of his feedings. The lamb crys all alone for the harlets are gone, the meat is gone, and she is gone. When she gets the news of the beasts defeat she makes every attempt to reach out to him.  Ashamed of what he has put her through, he can not face her. What if she can not just except him as the lamb. No one has before. She can’t be any different. Even though she had first met the lamb he has shown her the beast so she can’t settle for anything else but that rough brash savage that he had portrayed to the world. So alone- him in the grotto of carnage and her alone in her chambers they both weep. Crying for what could have been if the beast hadn’t existed. If the filthy animal had never been introduced in their lives. She is terrified the monstrous animal will return and he is fearful that is all she yearns for. So alone they weep.