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Piconjo: Son of a- Pico: Language! Piconjo: -bitch! All obscenity requests must be submitted at least a half-hour in advance.

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Otis: Where's Pico? Piconjo: He’s small, probably under something.

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Fancy Pants, sleeping: *Cutie Pants dumps water over his face* Fancy Pants, tiredly pushing the bottle away: Hello...?

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“No slight is too small or vague to be repaid with an artful, bizarrely elaborate, and crushing plot of vengeance.“

Piconjo

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Pico: The worst part about parallel parking is the shameful eye contact with the witnesses... Captain: There are no witnesses if you’re bad enough at parallel parking.

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Piconjo: Passive-aggressiveness is so lame. I support bashive-aggressiveness, smashive-aggressiveness. Pico: I hate to break it to you, but that’s just aggressiveness. Piconjo: I support hitting and smacking people who bother you even slightly.

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Doctor: Allergies? Nene: Cowardice and weak-willed men. And lactose.

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Pico: I just realized something: I like beating Convict! I feel taller. Am I taller? Nevermind, don’t answer that. Nene: Is he...gloating? Darnell: I’m not sure. I’ve never actually seen Pico gloat.

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“Isn’t it funny how everyone is a background character in other people’s stories? Except me, of course, because I’m sexy and important, but all of you guys.“

Piconjo

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*footsteps are heard outside* Otis: Who's there? Pico: Seriously...? Otis: What? Pico: Never ask who's there. You might as well go outside to investigate a strange noise or something. *loud crash from outside* Otis: Pico: Don't you dare.

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Pico: I am looking disrespectfully. Piconjo: I am glaring with vitriol and malicious intent.

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Piconjo: That's a crazy idea. Insane. It doesn't make sense. Otis: You'll do it? Piconjo: Of course!

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“Old man insults are wild. 'Slut,' whore,' 'dumb bitch'...sir, those are respectable occupations. Call me a landlord.”

Nene

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*Kid Pico competing in a race, his parents cheering him on as he runs past* Captain: Come on, Pico! Steve: You can do it! Kid Pico: I'm trying! I got little legs!

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Nene: I’m just not sure you wanna get involved with Convict. He’s, like, a legit bad guy. Piconjo: I’m a bad guy. Nene: Well, yeah, but you’re still a good person. Piconjo: What are you saying...? Nene: Okay, let me put it like this. You’re broadcast TV bad. Convict is cable bad- no, premium cable bad.

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Piconjo: This is a mistake. Otis, enthusiastically: A mistake we're gonna laugh about one day! Piconjo: But not today. Otis, still enthusiastic: Oh, no, no, no. Today's gonna be a mess.

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Cutie Pants: Why would you ever wanna run twenty-six miles? Fancy Pants: The same reason you stay on the couch for the entire month of July. Cutie Pants: Oh, I get it. A sense of accomplishment.