beannely - Tumblr blog

[beannely]

A trip down memory lane…. I remember making entries into my diaries and journals growing up… I still do… but some old entries I found crumpled up and straightened back out then folded within the pages of a certain diary I kept hidden…. I didn’t want to remember those…. They referenced in explicit detail the abuse…. The fear I felt in those moments…. And I’m panicking about it now….. why did I do this to myself….. 😭

[beannely]

One of the issues you run into when you're not allowed to express anger as a child, is that you're no longer able to get angry. When you're in a situation that should evoke rage, you instead feel fear, anxiety, panic, or grief, emotional hurt and helplessness. You end up operating a body that cannot feel or express anger. The only times you do feel angry is when you're directing it at yourself, it comes as a form of self hatred, and desire to cause pain and injury to yourself. Because this is the only way you would have been allowed to be angry, only way it was safe, to direct it at yourself, same as everyone else is doing constantly, teaching you that it's normal and expected.

Growing up like this means that all of the anger from your childhood keeps getting stored into your body instead of externalized, and you still cannot get angry when the situation demands it. Instead, when you're being disrespected and injustice is served in your face, you can either feel helpless and lost, or the frustration you feel irritates you so much you cannot stand it. Your body is not used to feeling anger and doesn't know how to process it. Instead it feels like you're going to explode, restless, endlessly irritated and at a complete loss on how to handle it. Because you never learned how to handle anger, except to take it out on yourself, and you might be driven to just keep doing that, forever.

Taking a stand for yourself and confronting whoever deserved your anger might still feel terrifying and all of the insane things that happened to you as a result of childhood anger might get triggered. You might feel too frightened to confront them because you can imagine all sorts of ways it could come back to hurt you - this person could try to get you fired, for example. They might smear campaign you and get you evicted, they could threaten you with something or blackmail you, they could destroy something of yours, spread rumors, hold a grudge and do thousand times worse to you. Those are thoughts evoked by memories of childhood, where abusive parents threatened and did any or all of these things, including torture, in order to keep you from expressing anger.

However this person is hurting you right now, unprovoked, and getting no resistance. From that, they're learning that they can keep doing it, with zero consequences, because you've already been broken and cannot fight back. That is a dangerous situation to be in too, even if it is impossible to predict whether this person is insane like your parents and will try to get revenge for any bit of resistance for their abuse.

I had situations where I would be pushed over the edge and allowed my anger to come out at someone - and people would sometimes complain about it, but they would usually back off, and I would regain my peace of mind because I created a consequence for disturbing it. Anger, however, doesn't feel good. My body is not used to it so it makes me incredibly tense, stressed, frustrated and upset, and it doesn't go away for several days, even weeks sometimes. Because scratching the surface of it evokes the repressed childhood anger which is almost unbearable with how giant it is.

Human body can learn to process anger, it can feel better, more powerful and more in control because of it. It can protect you without inflicting damage to others. It doesn't make you anything like your abusers, who let their anger out at someone who wasn't their equal, had no way to fight back, and did not deserve any of it. Your anger creates boundaries that keep you safe, it doesn't exist to torture others for existing.

It's easy to fall back into the place where you don't want to be angry, and try to be accommodating and allowing of injustice, just so you don't have to feel frustrated and afraid. I often fall back on it too, just wanting to live and have peace. But life around other people often doesn't allow it, and sometimes anger is necessary to send a message of what boundaries will not be crossed without a consequence. Anger is not a bad feeling, it is an act of self love. It comes out to let you know that you've been treated unfairly and it's there because it's telling you that you matter. That treating you unfairly is something to get mad about.

[beannely]

I cannot catch my breath….. the room is spinning… just struggling to breathe…

[beannely]

I can’t do this anymore…. 😭 I’m shaking so bad…I’m dizzy…. my heart is racing…. I can’t catch my breath…. 😭 what is wrong with me…..

[beannely]

I’m not okay… I need a friend…

[beannely]

My heart feels like it’s beating so fast right now….. I can’t slow it down…

[beannely]

I’m not okay….. I’m not okay….. I can’t…. My head is spinning….. the walls feel like they’re closing in…. It’s hard to breathe…. My heart feels like it’s in my throat….. I feel like I need to run but I’m paralyzed….. I can’t…..

[beannely]

I’m terrified of everything…. Nightmares wake me up at night… I can’t sleep.. my anxiety makes me sick… I don’t want to eat… I don’t want to leave my bed but I don’t get rest…. I’m in a constant state of fight or flight… I just don’t know how to feel anything else anymore….

[beannely]

I’m freaking out….. I can’t remember how to breathe…. Everything is spinning….. I don’t know….. everything is so heavy…..

[beannely]

Can anyone talk…. I’m really struggling tonight and really need a friend….. or just to talk… I dunno….

[beannely]

“Please be patient with me. Sometimes when I’m quiet it’s because I need to figure myself out. It’s not because I don’t want to talk. Sometimes there are no words for my thoughts.”

— Kamla Bolanos

[beannely]

“Self harming won’t make you feel better”

~People who clearly have never self harmed

[beannely]

I am so drained… I’m mentally and physically exhausted…. This place has pushed my limits and I’m at a breaking point…. All it’s gonna take is a nudge to push me over the edge and I’m gone….

[beannely]

“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don’t yearn to reach out, but because they’ve tried and found no one who cares.”

— Richelle E. Goodrich

[beannely]

Reflections of Narcissism - by Valentina

In a mirror, she dances, lost in her own trance, A pretty little puppet, caught up in her own romance, She's got a love affair, with her own reflection, Narcissistic tendencies, fueling her obsession.

She's the queen of her world, spinning 'round and 'round, But the truth is, she's lost, and she can't be found, Her heart is made of glass, fragile and hollow, A self-absorbed soul, drowning in her own sorrow.

Narcissism's her religion, worshiping her own face, She's a living contradiction, trapped in her own embrace, But behind those painted smiles, lies a broken child, Lost in the mirrors, her heart running wild.

In a crowd, she stands tall, craving admiration, A twisted game of validation, her constant fixation, But beneath the surface, there's a void, aching and deep, Her ego's a facade, a secret she can't keep.

She's desperate for attention, craving constant praise, But the more she seeks, the emptier she feels each day, Her self-worth's tied to others' perception, it's a dangerous game, She's trapped in her own reflection, drowning in her own shame.

Narcissism's her religion, worshiping her own face, She's a living contradiction, trapped in her own embrace, But behind those painted smiles, lies a broken child, Lost in the mirrors, her heart running wild.

Oh, the price she pays for this self-obsession, A lonely existence, devoid of true connection, Narcissism's her prison, she's the captive and the guard, In a world of illusions, her soul forever scarred.

[beannely]

These nightmares are terrifying….. 😭 I can’t go back to sleep…. I am so scared…. He haunts me when I’m awake but he’s even scarier in my dreams….

[beannely]

I hate this holiday…. He’s always trying to sneak his way back into my life….. he’s always so manipulative…… my anxiety is through the roof anticipating what he has up his sleeve tomorrow….. I can’t breathe….. I feel like I’m paralyzed…… 😭