batfam-aus

[batfam-aus]

jason: i feel like when you pat a dog and they make a hollow thunk-thunk sound because that’s not a dog that’s a dog-shaped piñata that you forgot to fill with candy and your son’s 8th birthday party started 15 minutes ago and there’s no fucking candy and your wife is screaming and the kid is crying and the ice cream cake’s been left out for an hour and it’s slumped over in a half-melted heap and all you can think about is how the nearest cliff is a 5 minute drive away

dick: i said i’d buy you another green smoothie after work

jason: i’m mentally getting into my 1994 toyota corolla right now

[batfam-aus]

dick: damian what do you want for your birthday

tim: don’t say sword

jason: or any bladed weapon

tim: or any throwable weapon

jason: weaponry is out

tim: that really covers our bases

damian: excellent. i can practice with weapons of opportunity

damian: i would like a cheese grater, 1000 ball bearings, and a can of hairspray

dick: points for creativity i’ll see what i can do

jason: oh here we go

cass: i want to join. may i also have a cheese grater

tim: we’re all going to die

stephanie (also holding a cheese grater): OF FUN

[batfam-aus]

jason: honestly you’d think it was a bigger deal that i came back from the dead. you didn't even throw me a party

dick: well our excitement was somewhat mitigated by your murder spree

dick: we knew you as an adorable little sunshine boy!

damian: adorable??? surely you’ve misspoken

stephanie: look at him! he was a cutie! [holds up a photo of young jason in his bright green robin shorts]

jason: WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT

tim: i’m tweeting the photo right now

jason: NO

jason: IM EDGY I CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD THATS SPOOKY IM SPOOKY

dick: ...

tim: ...

damian: ...

stephanie: to be fair this is a pretty tough crowd

jason: don't patronize me

[batfam-aus]

dick: damian is everything ok

damian: YES IM FINE LEAVE ME ALONE [runs upstairs and slams the door to his room closed]

jason: hey did you see damian?

dick: he seemed upset what was up with that

jason: we were watching prehistoric planet and one of the mom dinosaurs left her hatchling behind because it wasn't strong enough to follow her

dick: ohhh that'll do it

[batfam-aus]

tim: i was so confused before i realized that i'm bisexual but now everything makes so much sense

tim: like now i understand why i start sweating whenever conner takes off his shirt

tim: i was starting to think i might be allergic to kryptonians

[batfam-aus]

damian: and this is my tokay gecko. his name is jason

jon: after your brother?

damian: their call is said to sound like “tokay”. or “fuck you”

damian: they are also known for their ferocious bite. they’re capable of ripping off chunks of human flesh

jon: then WHY ARE YOU HOLDING HIM IN YOUR BARE HANDS

damian: after months of consistent effort i have tamed jason. all you need is to respect the gecko’s space and teach it that you mean it no harm. it’s difficult work, but rewarding

damian: the same is true of my brother jason. observe:

jon, peering over the banister: ?

jason: hey hellspawn FUCK YOU

damian: as you can see, even his call is the same as that of a tokay gecko

[batfam-aus]

- batboys are at a noisy mcdonalds after a long patrol. silverware is clattering, people are chattering -

tim: [bees buzzing in his head]

tim: [mental bees intensifying]

tim: ALRIGHT THATS IT! SHUT THE FUCK UP! shut up!!!! I AM TIRED OF HEARING

[restaurant falls silent and everyone stares at tim]

tim: i… am sitting down ._.

dick: what’s going on tim-tam are you okay

tim: it’s the fucking tapping it’s the NOISE it’s the RACKET

jason: uh……… huh………

damian: no. drake is entirely correct. the noise in this establishment is infuriating

dick: the sounds of a normal mcdonalds???

tim: dick you don’t understand my brain keeps trying to translate the clattering dishes into morse code and i can’t turn it off

tim: it’s all gibberish dick

jason: you think so too, imp?

damian: having spent so much tine with all of you i am developing an immunity to gibberish. but yes

jason: i don’t…

jason: …

jason: shit y’all are right this is annoying as hell. fuck you for bringing my attention to it

tim: it drives me actually insane

jason: totally get it dude

damian: it is distracting to say the least

jason: oh yeah absolutely

dick: i have a solution! [starts tapping over the background noise]

jason, tim, and damian: FOR FUCKS SAKE

jason, tim, and damian: i… love…… you… guys………

jason: awwww

tim: huh actually i don’t mind it when there’s a pattern

damian: i can accept your solution—for now

dick: don’t worry guys i can do this all night :D

[batfam-aus]

in the batfam group chat

bruce: hhhgsruhilgslkwqj;lnkbn

dick: are you ok b???

bruce: HJJJJJJJJGJJSLIJGJIJG

jason: all those years of crime fighting have finally caught up with him

stephanie: omg so sad

stephanie: f

tim: maybe he's writing in code

jason: he better not be

dick: should i call someone

bruce: I'm fine.

jason: aw

dick: what happened???

bruce: Flash had the zoomies again. G 2 G, the Watchtower has entered a decaying orbit from the sheer force generated by his zoomies, and we are now burning up in the atmosphere.

tim: f

stephanie: f

dick: alright which one of you taught him to say zoomies

stephanie: ...

stephanie: and that's another f in the chat boys... but this one's for me

[batfam-aus]

batfam plays d&d TWO: dice edition

dick grayson is a dice goblin. he can’t resist the little shinies he has a bag of them so big that it goes THUNK when it hits the table. like a brick

jason has ONE set. the edward cullen dice set

duke: what’s wrong with using the dice rollers on d&d beyond they’re mathematically—

dick: NOT SHINY ENOUGH

duke: jason was not kidding when he said you had a magpie brain

stephanie is also a dice goblin! she and dick buy each other dice sets and bruce is like please stop we are drowning in dice you’re killing me you’re killing your father (he said that after steph bought dick the official wonder woman chessex dice set)

tim has some regular dice sets from when he played 4e, plus a new sharp set with coffee beans and a liquid core d20 that looks like cream and coffee. dick stepped on the d4 once and he still has a scar on his foot

damian uses a metal set made of titanium and if the players start getting distracted he throws the dice at them. ow

barbara steals dick’s dice and although he has many (so many) he always knows which set is missing and it’s frankly terrifying

cass bought a pound of random dice, sorted through them to create the most mismatched set you’ve ever seen, and donated the rest to dick and steph

bruce uses the Batman TM chessex dice they’re matte black with yellow paint and the 20 side is the batman symbol and he loves them. loves them unironically. he yells BAT TWENTY whenever he crits and it’s awful

[batfam-aus]

damian: stop telling everyone i want to commit crimes. that's untrue. i do not concern myself with what other people think should be a crime, i simply act. if someone thinks that's a crime, that's their problem

jason: ok?? you still have to pay for that hot wheels car though

damian: i'm taking it and you can't stop me

jason: i know...

jason: but he can

dick: [eyes enormous] no please don't steal babybird that's bad D: D: D: and i know you're not a bad person!

damian:

damian: how low you've stooped, todd

[batfam-aus]

tim: who is the world’s biggest buyer of glitter?

dick: lady gaga

jason: ollie playing a prank on bruce

duke: elton john

stephanie: TWO lady gagas

barbara: the clown industry

cass: killer croc is pretty big

damian: CAR MANUFACTURERS IT’S CAR MANUFACTURERS

tim: trivia night was such a good idea

[batfam-aus]

spicy food time

bruce: utterly expressionless while eating even the spiciest of food leading everyone to believe he’s part bird but secretly he’s dying inside

dick: thinks medium is spicy and enjoys it

jason: likes extra extra hot because ‘it doesn’t have a flavor it just tastes like pain’

tim: fears black pepper

damian: spicy food supremacist

duke: thinks medium is spicy but will eat spicier food to prove himself and end up regretting it

steph: tells people hot food isn’t spicy to fuck with them (usually tim)

cass: tells people hot food isn’t spicy and genuinely believes it (sorry tim)

barbara: not sure what all the fuss is about and wants to eat her Hellfire Volcano Wings in peace

[batfam-aus]

Alfred: Why are all my children so stupid?

Bruce: I have no idea. I just caught Tim trying to hide scorpions in Damian's backpack, and he said it was for science. Tim is literally a genius. Why does this happen to us

Alfred: Us? The other day, I saw you eat a two-week-old donut without hesitation. Those weren't sprinkles, they were mold

[batfam-aus]

batfam plays d&d

Bruce makes his character a paladin of Maat even though he could have chosen literally anything else

Dick plays as a wild magic sorcerer but he only ever turns into a plant

His signature move is turning invisible and jumping down onto his enemies from above

One day he’ll multiclass as a rogue

Jason is a half-orc barbarian with an intelligence of 18 because playing a character with low int was starting to drive him insane

Tim plays a bronze dragonborn wizard whose signature move is disintegrate

His familiar is a bat named Bruce

Damien is the dungeon master

He once made them fight a beholder at level 5 resulting in a TPK which he retconned under threat of grievous bodily harm

Duke is a druid so he can cast Sunbeam and Sunburst AND turn into a shark whenever necessary

This worked against him when he shifted into a great white shark in a lake and Damien was like alright fine you sink to the bottom and die 

[batfam-aus]

Jason: Hey, anybody ever tell you you gotta nice smell? What’s a guy gotta eat to smell like that?

Dick: It’s cologne.

Jason: Huh. Never tried eating cologne before.

[batfam-aus]

Tim: Let me get this straight—

Dick: Good luck with that!

[batfam-aus]

AU where if someone’s looking for Dick they’ll usually find him in a load of freshly laundered sheets because they’re warm and soft and he likes naps