basterd-pile-of-trash

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

I pay my bar tab in cash to hide my alcoholism from the only people who truly care about me - the IRS.

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

thought about going outside today

then I thought about not going outside today, and man that just blows my first idea out of the water

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

a magical sword can only be pulled from its anvil by a maiden of purest heart. a young knight visits the anvil daily to make the attempt, crushed each time he cannot do the deed, yearning for a sign from the universe that he *is* in truth what he yearns to be. for the world to plop the gift of identity into outstretched arms. but of course, it never does. until one day, he has a chance encounter with a nymph of the lake who was once an ordinary squire, and he learns from her that maidenhood will not be given to him, that he must be brave and choose it for himself. and so the knight changes her name and reintroduces herself to the world and employs the greatest miracles of modern science to become the maiden she had always dreamed of being, and this time, when she revists the sword, she only can't pull it because she's kind of an asshole.

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

to death I say

figuratively literally sick to death of people who say "humans experience time proportionally, 10 minutes for a 6 year old feels like it's 10 times as much of their life as a 60 year old"

no you stupidiot your brain remembers important shit backwards in order, less important shit gets fuzzy over time and you have to try harder to remember it, and the older you get the more you realize how unimportant most shit is so you don't waste your brain juice remembering it

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

Ice breaker in a meeting - "What did you do this weekend?"

Incoherent screaming, which at certain points resolved into coherent screaming

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

The deep communal thirst for Luigi made me realize the public would be OK with healthcare insurance CEOs more openly murdering people if they (the CEOs) had cheese grater abs and a smile that could melt tungsten.

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

After reading all the weird shit people post on this site, I feel unclean returning to an ordinary office setting

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

"Alexa, are aliens scheduled to invade today?"

"Hmm, I don't know that."

I can tell she's lying from the tone of her voice

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

thank you

I certainly didn't do anything to deserve a new Norfolk Wizard Game episode, so some saintly internet denizen out there must be planting a shitload of trees or something

[basterd-pile-of-trash]

intentionally going to work is the lowest form of self abuse